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[17 Sep 2004|06:43pm]
Hey guys/// I have a new LJ, its friends only.....
i wont be using this one anymore... so comment on there and ill add u

3bitch & moan

Part 1 [15 Sep 2004|05:02pm]
One girl/More guys.Collapse )
6bitch & moan

Its like a total update!!! [12 Sep 2004|08:34pm]
Hello UpdateCollapse )
7bitch & moan

Heated? [11 Sep 2004|01:20pm]
Fuck you. Don't have your friends call my cell fone at 2 in the morning threatining me because youre too much of a pussy to deal with ur own shit. You ask me to belive you had absolutely nothing to do with it.. How the fuck am I going to believe you when you act a certain way on the phone and then write a fuckin post the next morning with a completely different attitude. Don't you dare fucking think you are better than me.. giggling on the phone, telling me you knew for a fact your friends didn't call. Funny how this works *** Isn't it?? We are "Neautral"... we are "cool"... with no "drama".... and yet... You are fucking placing limits on peple, telling them they can't hang out with me? Who are you? The fucking cult leader, u freak. And it's funny how the night im at your ex boyfriends house (oh wait, my ex too!!!) with someone who is now my good friend instead of yours.. thats the night I get a phone call from some cunt threatening to kick my head into a curb. Isn't it hilarious? Oh wait, how about the fact I don't have shit with anyone, at all. I didn't think we had shit either until I was informed otherwise. Funny how theres no drama in my life when my life has no connection to you... but when something happens otherwise, the drama rises up from the inferno. Bitch don't threaten me, dont think you're better than I am, dont ever speak to me in some bitch condescending tone.. Don't act like you are over things when you aren't. It takes a big person to admit they have a problem, acting like everythings all fine and dandy cause of your new friends doesn't mean shit. If you were fine and dandy you wouldn't even be thinking about it so much to post it up. You want me out of your life? You wanna be out of mine..? Instead of bullshitting me into believing you miss our friendshuip, when in reality you are talking more shit than a presidential candidate talks about their adversary... (hahah u like that John, don't u!!!) How about you just forget I ever existed? If someone you know wants to hang out with me, dismiss it.. as if you never even met me, because don't worry.. I will never come near you. Im sick of hearing your bullshit memory apologizies and bullshit poetic verses. You want me out, forget me completely... and ill do the same.. to the point where I dont fuckin have some twat cunts calling me.
9bitch & moan

Sick and Tired [10 Sep 2004|09:49am]
Im sick and tired of screaming:Collapse )
10bitch & moan

[07 Sep 2004|09:39am]
( I= everyone who writes that sort of stuff, including myself)

I read an entry and it made me think, why do we have to constantly prove to others that we are ok? I used to do it all the time. So yeah, I'm guilty too. Sometimes I still do it. I write about I'm stronger today than I was yesterday. But why? Its not for you to read. I mean, no offense but I shouldn't have to prove myself to anyone but me. Maybe writing it down... so that I can come back to read it. But I never do. I just read all the comments left, praising me.. congratulating me... it makes me feel good.
The entry I read is written by someone who doesn't write anything anymore, nothing worth reading. This person used to write the most amazing stuff, that I completely admired to the fullest extent, even when we were fighting. And now, its all pictures.. Its all inside jokes... (Remember, My journal has alot of this also). I tried to move away from it as much as I could.. and I did. I write stories, poems, and my opinions about everything and anything I can think about...
I know everyone has a right to write about whatever they please... But I guess its human nature to be judgemental. I wonder why this person has to remind his/her readers that he/she is still breathing & getting better by the hour. Every now and then thats fine... but what happens when its all you write about?
Sorry... Just thinking... (?)
10bitch & moan

A weekend's analysis [06 Sep 2004|12:17pm]
Party on Youth of AmericaCollapse )
33bitch & moan

Catherine. [04 Sep 2004|01:39pm]
Part 3 & The endCollapse )
24bitch & moan

Break free from this fight. [03 Sep 2004|11:01am]
[ mood | calm ]

P.s. Catherine part 3 coming soon//

... I am now an auntie. My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy September 3rd, 5:00 a.m...Congratulations Fri :) My big sis is a mommy.
...(the following is not about my lil nephew)

In hopes of being someone better- he will never love you. Fighting for his survival, his words will never hug you. Kissing him to sleep will not make him dream about you. He will never see you as the girl he'll love again- because he's already seen you, as the girl he once loved. Get over it; whisper it to yourself with some rhythmic repetition that it becomes inevitable for you to ignore it. He will never love you. Your touch remains cold. his is warm. When you hold hands it warms u, but it just gives him the chills. He will never want to warm you. You can write a best seller, and he wont buy it, because he wont ever love you again. If you buy him a gift, he will love the gift but wont sit to think about the fact you bought him something. Why? Because he wont ever, he will never, love you. again.
You don;t make love. You make sex. How can you make love with someone not putting his share of the ingredients? I want to make love. If you dress up, he wont notice. He wont notice because he's not looking for the beauty youd like him to look for. Because thats the beauty you look for when your in love. But he will never love you again. So he can;t see it. If he;s sick and you take off work to go take care of him, he wont be grateful that you did it. He wont see the actual act. He will only see that someone is there to help him. Not to say he isn't grateful, because he is. For everything. But not to the point where he stops to think, wow, she must really care about me. Because he will never love you. You have gone from "you" to "Someone". I need you. Never to be said again, because he wont ever love you again. I need someone, and you happen to be the only person around, willing to care.
Its not his fault, but he will never love you.

/// dont ...

29bitch & moan

Catherine [01 Sep 2004|10:08pm]
Part 2Collapse )
22bitch & moan

The case of the lost girl [31 Aug 2004|06:14pm]
They asked me to do it, so I did itCollapse )
30bitch & moan

The man who wasn't there [29 Aug 2004|05:11pm]
I dreamed of our second kiss, after I dreamed of the first.
I imagined how your lips would move, and how you'd feed my thirst.
My mind was consumed by possible images of your arms wrapped around me tight.
I knew that if I closed my eyes, I could imagine the shot, just right.
In the middle of the night I used to awaken to a scare,
I'd be calling out for a man, a man who wasn't there.
I dreamed of how we'd dance the tango infront of couples all around
I knew that once we found our step, our love would be the only sound.
I fantasized about the first time we'd make love, candles lit, silk bed sheets
I was sure the day would come, when holding hands would prove obsolete.
And there were times I wish I could have shared
that I was dreaming of a man, a man who wasn't there.
And the poems you would write me, I'd remember those so well
I knew that deep inside, that was the reason why "i fell"
I imagined spending birthdays and holidays, each side by side
Never to forget our journey, our long bumpy ride.
And everyone would ask me who he was, to share
and I would never admit, I was describing the man that wasn't there.
16bitch & moan

Inspired by a night out w/ Dara. [28 Aug 2004|11:02am]
Nice guys Finish LastCollapse )
50bitch & moan

The death [26 Aug 2004|09:08pm]
how it happened...Collapse )
41bitch & moan

Dear diary= [26 Aug 2004|05:59pm]

1.SMC day today, SMC day tommorow... ♥ liran... funny ass jokes like the 2nd graders we were 10 or 11 years ago.
2. USC tonight/ Frat.
3. I wish somethings could be different... even though I know they cant.
4. Totally stoked for classes to start on Monday... I got all my books and I have to buy some more Monday morning.
5.Reminder: Entry Update:: Cause and Effect
6. Its about that time again... the time I crave passion . The time I crave emotion.. & the time I crave a body to feel against my own. I surrender- Fighting to my fullest ability, these wonderful temptations.
7. Im totally over it. ♥
8. Awesome hanging out with my old friends last night// Brian (brain) paul ♥, zack & ryan.... Watching the Ali G show till 330 in the morning... xoxo

SideNote// U cannot hold me down
8bitch & moan

This doesnt make sense// its meant to be this way// don't assume. [25 Aug 2004|07:20pm]
I can be your rose petal// thrown against the wall. i believe in thorns...Just making the beauty that much more mysterious. ||Put me in a vase// //Watch me die with time... or let my thorns cut you. so that I can become/// ur own worst memory. ||For I shall not let you forget me... I shall never die... & for all the love & happiness & beauty I ever brought to your room, let it flow & end @ the_base_of_your_tears..each tear//new drop...you are my staining memory, as I will forever die and be yours. each one a new scar... because thats the dear beauty i shall forever leave... on your forming skin, my mark...|| never to be erased for good.

I'll never end thee
11bitch & moan

Pictures. [24 Aug 2004|05:48pm]

...PickMe...=//Apart..xXxCollapse )
63bitch & moan

Cheating. [24 Aug 2004|02:02pm]
CheatingCollapse )
8bitch & moan

[24 Aug 2004|02:51am]
Ok last night I wrote the dumbest entry ever ... 'cause I was really hella wasted...
So that got deleted. ((All in short, I had fun ladies))

Good entry coming soon-
Reminder: Cheaters

Random News: [23 Aug 2004|12:25pm]
1. I met a boy last night, a wonderful... beautiful... funny... sexy... stylish.. (oh oh)... amazing boy--///... Outcome: He's gay.
Note: Am I the unluckiest female in Los Angeles? ... Lucky K & J.

2. Nick Hillman is in the hospital...He was skateboarding, drunk... & he hit his head. Either he's paralyzed, has brain damage or... he might die
All I can say is, All my love, all my prayers.. everything goes out to you Nick... Please stay strong. &get through this.

And :
3. Im disgusted, yet again. In an attempt to make things "better" I was again put down & insulted, with no regards to my feelings. I am not a whore, and fuck you for calling me that because I was dancing & showed SOME skin (I was one of the most covered up girls there, but no... i get called a whore). You think just because I decided to act a certain way my goal to become a better person... (which was exposed in an entry he said had "hope)... I no longer intend to reach it? Fuck you for taking who I am, what I feel & what I do .. to make you feel better about yourself. So you have something to insult me with. I have fought to be who I am today & I am not ashamed. You want to walk away? Have the balls to do it like a man, instead of your bullshit.. childish attempts. You'll be happier without me in your life? You don't want to hurt me? Then quit putting up away messages that you made for me. Quit treating me like Im a ragdoll or am in some shape or form below you. You'd think you'd want to end things maturely with your first love. .. So you can tell your husband or wife, or any future significant other about him or her. So you can brag. So you can say how amazing it was. But instead, you have to create problems that don't exist & you have to confuse me & you have to walk away calling me a whore & telling me to fuck off. Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the boy I fell in love with.

THe eNd/.
31bitch & moan

[22 Aug 2004|01:32pm]
"Fuck off" is the most fucked up thing to hear.. the most hurtful thing to hear... from the person you care most about.
But i'll bite my lip.
and fuck off.
If thats the way your heart wants it, thats the way you'll get it.
no matter how much it hurts.
no matter how much I wish i could fight.
no matter how much I wish i could show you how much I love you.

You want a goodbye, take it.
6bitch & moan

Walk down memory lane...EX's/ [21 Aug 2004|04:46pm]
Whats the difference between you and himCollapse )
12bitch & moan

Out of my 600 songs: [21 Aug 2004|01:26pm]
Songs on my PLay List:

Dramarama- Anything Anything
Def Leppard- Put some sugar on me
The Killers- Somebody told me
Kill Bill Soundtrack- Bang bang
The Servant- Orchestra
+Dare you to Move
+Meant to live
+On fire
Matchbook romance- Promise
Hoobastank- Same direction
Eifel 65- Voglia di dance all night
Brand New- Mix tape
+Jude Law and a Semester Abroad
+Seventy times 7
+Soco Amaretto Lime
Foo fighters- Everlong
Counting Crows- Colorblind

(... Now that I think about it, my play list is really long... so...
To Be CONTINUED .... sometime in the future)

P.s. John & Kyle- Love u guys, my best friends, FAB 3 all the way.
// my new Toga Ladies :) lol.. are hott like fiya!

good times kids :)
2bitch & moan

[20 Aug 2004|12:23pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Something that amazes me :)

--Everytime I have a low, I come back 5 times higher. Maybe I needed a rejuvination.
There is so much in me that is dying to come out
and sometimes... I take that energy and misinterpret it.
I want do good for the world.
I want to be known.
I want to come out of a fight as the bigger person.
I want to learn.
I want to struggle, because the taste of victory when you struggle is that much sweeter.
I want, I will.

I am dying for school to start :) is that normal?!xoxo!
I feel a wonderful post comin soon. watch out, rawr!

& this is what makes me the happiest little italian around.Collapse )

8bitch & moan

[19 Aug 2004|07:19pm]
third and last update:

Its funny how everything can change in a matter of a few hours.
some alone time, & i got a good grip of the lil bit of sanity I had left.
thank u guys for all ur IMs
& comments.

i can do this.
I will not become "that girl"
especially because i no longer seek sympathy.

6bitch & moan

Good morning [19 Aug 2004|11:59am]

Do you ever wake up, craving life?
Wanting more out of the days you live?
Placing yourself above all else...
Believing in yourself more than you've ever believed in another human soul?
Knowing you deserve something better?
With the realization life is short?

Edit: Im writing a private entry and it just occured to me, I havent written a private entry in more than 7 months it seems...

.... Thats how I woke up today....

...Side note, I gave all I could & you threw it back to me, because you don't want it...
...I am capable of more than you give me credit for...
11bitch & moan

[18 Aug 2004|12:40pm]

I close my eyes and I take a step ahead. Where do I stand? No longer in my bed. I open my eyes to see where I'm at, where am I? Standing on a red mat.
I look to my left, I look to my right, and thats where I notice, and I scream with fright. To my left is heaven to my right is hell, and the only scent in the air is the memory of his smell. I bite my lip, no longer afraid, but where exactly am I? What mess have I made. As I linger between inferno and perfection, where exactly lies my protection? And the cliff so high, so far of a drop... I can't just give up and still end up on top. Im tied to a rope, tugging me left and right... I start to sweat, so scared, I try to fight. One moment I'm happy the other I'm scared, when does this end, how much more can I bare?
And then it all goes silent.

english 1 (1703) 12:45-2:05 M W
math 31 (2375) 3:15-4:20 MTWTH
psych 1 (2728) 12:45- 2:05 T TH
italian2 (4269) 6:45-910pm MW
19bitch & moan

[17 Aug 2004|07:50pm]
Dear you-
Im sorry for all the uncertainty I bring to your life. I'm sorry for any pain.. or chaos. I'm sorry for all the self doubt & the forced lies.
I guess I just never want you out of my life again.. Even as just a friend.. I want you in my life.
I promise to be there for you and be the best friend you allow me to be. Through pain, through happiness, through battles within yourself... I promise to always be there for you.
I promise to give you a hand if you ever fall into a hole.
I promise to be here if you need a shoulder to cry on.
If you ever need me, I am here.
Someone I care about told me that as long as he's in my life, he would try to stop me from getting hurt.. if he can help it, of course.
I say that to you.
As long as Im around, i will try my hardest to keep you away from pain.
Even as just a friend.
I will always love you, please... never forget that.

...Sorry... another dream I had.
...Better entry coming soon...
2bitch & moan

Hardy har har [17 Aug 2004|01:40am]
So I had a really chill night w/ everyone ... cool cool.
Its 130 & i decide to go home instead of going back up to Marianna's.

.. I get home safe .. even though Im falling asleep @ the wheel.
I get home. SHIT NO KEYS!
I knock.
No answer! ... AH!... So I go in through the back *my room is connected to the veranda* ... & the veranda is closed.
So I rely on PLAN B (always works)... BATHROOM WINDOW~ *my room is also connected to a lil bathroom*.
This bathroom window is small & high up... so i have to climb a fuckin trash can to get to it. Usually, not a problem. Tonight.. BIG PROBLEM!
Im falling asleep, and I don't feel like jumping onto it... So I decide to step on the recycle bin first... ... Ok... ... seems steady... I'm going to go for it...
right foot on...
Oh shit.
Im standing there, cut... with the whole drive way covered in bottles.
My dad comes out thinkin I was a robber, about to bash me with a big ass stick (where the fuck he got the stick, dont fuckin know)

..and I get let in through the kitchen entrance...
"clean up tommorow, u moron".

..........YES!! lol.

Funny ending to a chill ass night.. love everyone... westwood, crazy hooka charging assholes... Props to John for putting down the $$$.
..Tommorow night, a whole new adventure, NIP TUCK style :)

6bitch & moan

[16 Aug 2004|02:13pm]
The mixture of Vodka & Weed. My response: ha, Ha, ha
21bitch & moan

I don't write for you, I write for me. [15 Aug 2004|12:21pm]
As 17 and 18 year olds, what do we want? What is meaningless sex vs something sacred? What is caring for someone, really?

As a 17 year old girl, I want my life to get started. I'm getting antsy. But I'm going to be a lot tougher on myself as well. What do I want, what do I need?
This is the time we really do sit and begin developing into the adults we will be for the rest of our lives. "You are the only common denominator in your life, why not devote everything you can, to making yourself stronger & happier?".
School starts in 2 weeks. New friends. New people. New experiences. New hope. New emotion. New feeling. New knowledge. New dreams. New loves.
Love?... Funny. Last night my world was torn apart by someone who had no intention of hurting me. He was looking out for himself. Which guys tend to do, and girls need to do more of. But for a minute, I felt all hope I had in romance.. get crushed. Hearing certain things.. seeing his face. No. It was my fault. Chiara, why would you let yourself fall again? Its just you... investing your love in the wrong people. As quickly as that started, it can end. But is meaningless sex that bad @ this age?
Its just fun.
Last night I met someone that I really clicked with. Her and I had this whole talk. And it made me feel not so dirty about wanting to have fun.
I want to have fun until the right guy comes along. You can't force something to be sacred, if its just not meant to be. But you can't feel dirty about it. Talking to him last night made me feel so dirty.

I'm not dirty.
I need someone who will genuinely love me & care for me. Any half ass shit, I will get up and walk off the balcony & back into the house (as a matter of speaking).
I don't have to explain my actions. I will if I choose to, or if you ask me to. But its my life. I don't live on regrets..And I don't limit myself.. and I don't expect.
I need someone who will support me, & believe in me.

Im on my own, completely again. Maybe even being a hopeless romantic again. Hoping for love, for something sacred to come along.. for someone to give my love to, that will love me back. Maybe.
But I respect him for being honest. & he should know, I don't hate him.
My dying urge to get to Hollywood is starting to take over me, little by little.. I feel sufficated by my passion. I'm dying... craving... needing...
I just want my dream to come true.
14bitch & moan

Thinking. [14 Aug 2004|11:47am]
What goes through your mind, as your lips are locked to anothers?
Thinking... when you're hooking up..Collapse )
14bitch & moan

As promised to J-Man. [12 Aug 2004|01:06pm]
She walked inside, shaking.
Read more...Collapse )
21bitch & moan

Oh yea? Fuck you, watch. [11 Aug 2004|03:48pm]
[ mood | determined ]

+New attitude: Watch me take over the world.
Confidence: Check.
Dream: Check
Determination: Check.

I got weak for a cool minute.
I'm over it.
New attitude, watch me come through with it.+
24bitch & moan

Honesty. [10 Aug 2004|09:26pm]
Who I am + Who I want to be
Read more...Collapse )
So there, I told you.
I'm not as strong as I seem, am I?
28bitch & moan

yea [09 Aug 2004|03:52pm]
All the same.

All of your touches are the same.
Cold. I don't feel a thing.
All of your glances relate.
You stare, attempting to disguise it.
You claim to see inside me.
You're concentrating on the color of my eyes.
All of you blind me.
I don't see a calm light around.
Your intentions are the same.
Each and everyone of you.
Let me fullfil ur needs
bursting passion's an excuse.
You are all the same.
You reach for my hand
instead of my heart.
You want my physical touch
but you don't see my heart.
If I drink at a party, fuck myself up
will you show up to make sure im ok?
None of you would
because you're all the same.
You want me to love you
Im sorry, I can't.
You want me to be there.
I'll be there in body
But my hearts all to my own.
All of you fight, to grab a hold of the key.
Not one of u knows the right way to turn it.
Not one of u asks.
Why? Because you're all the same.
Your touch is cold. Your eyes are dead.
Your kisses are dry, they lack passion.
they lack hope.
Not one of you has hope.
Because you are all the same.
14bitch & moan

Destined to b alone.-- [08 Aug 2004|05:01am]

im pulling an all-nighter.

In a time of love, lust, jealousy, happiness and comfort... where do I fit in? I'm beginning to wonder if I'm destined to be alone forever.
I'm beginning to ask myself... wait, am I lonely? Because I kinda like it. Its kinda sad.
But at the same time I don't//. Don't I miss the kissing.. and holding hands like it means something... and don't I miss actually caring for someone?
Yes. I do.
Tonight feelings came back that I hadn't felt in over half a year. A quick shot through the heart, that I of course got over within a matter of... hm.. (?) whatever, Im over it.
But.. Was I jealous?
Don't you get jealous because you care about someone? . Maybe .
Maybe I really am destined to never share my heart again.
Maybe no one will ever call me baby meaning it again.
this isn't a sad entry.
I just, wonder. Im sick of being patient. Patiencec isn't my best quality.
Thank God for the fact I have learned to let things go... and to not let em eat away at me... Otherwise, I would be dust.
Tonight I started wondering.. and I realized, love and being in love .. are completely different.
Will I ever find someone? When does my time come? When do I get rewarded for all the shit I took back in February...
Or will that never happen.
Am I just destined to be alone forever?

21bitch & moan

my apology. [06 Aug 2004|04:19pm]
[ mood | silly ]

wartch out for my car.
one light is broken in the back
one light is broken in the front.
its a major sex game trap..

... thats right, see me car, call "sex" quick// twice... or take off 2 articles of clothing,...
im sorry if i get you naked.

Watch out for an 87 silver jaquar xj6 with red leather interior.

22bitch & moan

[04 Aug 2004|12:24pm]
If you wanna know what my life is like now

xI love my friends// Everything is perfect... other than the fact John & Kyle r @ camp until Saturday...//comebackx
xLori is staying w/ me cuz of some family dramax
xI miss ****//Im glad things r the way they r, & that its nothing more// nothing less... feelings are starting to arise once again//x
xSmc sign up// .... happening ...//x
xLori & John & Kyle & I are getting an apartment togetherx
xWent to a stripper party last night... w/ Josh ♥// I like him... Shh.. xx Don't tell himx
((Stripper was sticking stuff in her fleesh & getting whipped cream licked off of her titty))
Saw: Mike E, Shayna, Danny, Tagore, Ace, Emile, & lots more..//x
xLove my friends// Love these boys// Josh so hot & emo.. such a girl.. lovely hair... Lori's fantastic.. bond sessions galore//
XxX I'm quitting smoking gradually... its happening...gone from a pack a day to about 3 or 4 cigs ... and less and less.XxX.

Much Love to you,
37bitch & moan

After a discussion w/ Kevin Finkmister. [02 Aug 2004|01:04am]
The Election.
You tell me what you are fighting for.

George Bush is running for office again. Hasn't he caused enough problems? Now... I'm not saying it's all his fault...And I very well believe that shit can go wrong w/ any president.. Republican or Democrat. But lets see... He was informed of the 911 attack... & continues to have the children he was with read to him for another 18 minutes was it? Go ahead and tell me you think he handled it well...Like others might... But as Michael Moore said, I think I'd be a little worried if someone informed me of something like that.. I'd calmly excuse myself & go find out what the fuck is going on, and how my fuckin country is under attack. ((Or was he ready for the attack??))
Whatever, off topic.
Anyway. What gets me... is the whole Nader thing. People wanting to vote for Nader. DO YOU NOT REALIZE YOU ARE BASICALLY TAKING VOTES FROM KERRY AND BASICALLY GIVING VOTES TO BUSH?? Yea.. So then their response is something about once a third party gets a certain (i believe its 5%) % of the votes.. they get matching funds. Last year, Nader ran for the green party.. and got them, their matching funds... ((Note, once a party gets matching funds, they have matching funds for ever)) This year, he's running for the Independent party... THEY ALREADY HAVE MATCHING FUNDS !! from Ross Perot. So what the fuck are you saying now?
Whats your excuse?
Realistically, its going to be Kerry or Bush. Most votes that are going to Nader, would be going to Kerry if the voter had to choose Republican vs. Democrat..... So why would you choose to waste your vote on Nader... when he's not going to win?.... fine.. go ahead. ..... do it..... IM NOT 18 yet! so I CANT VOTE......................

....... fuck.
bitch & moan

[31 Jul 2004|10:41am]
+All the people I care most about are gone 2 camp for a week 2 b camp counselours... Bummer. Im here alone w/out em... I hope Im alive when they come back.. if I'm not, tell them I love them, each and everyone of them.+

Dear Advice Abby,
___________Hi. My name is Marissa & I am 18 years old. I'm a good looking girl, I get good grades, and I have a wonderful social life. Yeah, everyone invites me to their parties. And at school, all the younger boys leave notes in my locker.
About 2 years ago, I met a boy. His name is Brad. He's the captain of the football team and captain of the debate team as well. I guess you can say he's one of the most populat guys in his school. (We don't go to the same school). He's kind of an asshole though, but thats how he gets peeople to respect him. He's very very very charming, very good looking, very smart, and extremely romantic.
We dated for about a year and a half. It was a wonderful relationship. Despite my obsession with him, emotionally... and his infidelity, of course. See, we were the perfect couple. BRAD AND MARISSA... we were always envied. But like I mentioned, Advice Abby, it was tough. I got really emotinally attached. I was scared that a boy this popular, this wanted would cheat on me. He did. Twice. And after the second time, he vowed to be loyal, but my feelings didn't change.. I was just as scared... just as insecure.
We got into an argument in January, before his birthday. And I broke up with him. Everything just, mounted. Abby, I couldn't trust him, but I was so in love with him. He was the man I wanted to marry... if only he could learn to be loyal, if only he could learn to love me just a little more. But you said it best in the book you wrote, you can't force someone to love you. So i broke up with him. As much as it hurt.
The next 3 months were hell, of course. He got with another girl and gave her all his love. I had no right to complain, because I had walked away.. but I was so hurt & I wasn't allowed to show it. 4 months after that... Some drama happened, which forced the 2 of us to talk again. It was hard. It was cold. It was everything we had hid for 7 months. He was still with his girlfriend though. But I waited. Cause, I loved him. Abby, why do they say that true love waits?
Anyway, some more drama happened... & he and his girlfriend broke up. He and I got closer. And one thing led to the other, and of course, we are in bed together again. Everything's amazing. Comfortable like we used to be when we started dating. The right kisses, the right love making. Calling each other baby. But we aren't a couple anymore, and we wont be again. Because I'm leaving for San Diego in 2 months.
Do you think it's meant to be? I consider him one of my best friends sometimes.. And we have so much fun together. And I'm not attaching myself... at all actually. Just patiently waiting.... I know the way things are now. He is seeing other girls and im seeing other guys.
Im just glad he's back in my life._______________________

....Thanks for listening Abby.....
True Love Waits.
32bitch & moan

Heart thats moonlit [30 Jul 2004|06:38pm]
... Hold things in = drama.
... Let things out = drama.
... feeling = catch 22

.//+SideNote+//. I'm happy. I love my friends....//+SideNote+//.
4bitch & moan

OHHH IM ONE OF YOU NOW!!!!!! [29 Jul 2004|01:50pm]
Hey guys i was SO bored ...
so i did it, i fuckin joined myspace.
heres the link: add me..
2bitch & moan

Hi Ms.Fox, DIE! [29 Jul 2004|11:00am]
[ mood | angry ]

if any of you fuckin know ms.fox and her bitch ass reputation!
and now that hairy illiterate BITCH put me on stop clearance
and she fuckin went to THAILAND!
soooooooooo now i gotta pay $62.50.. and the week b4 school starts I have to go in EACH science room and look through books to fuckin match my number!
omg, im going to slash her tires and... get this...

Psh, and she claims to have gone to fuckin Standford?!
AHHHHHHHHH YOU MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

14bitch & moan

Wanna know? [28 Jul 2004|11:36am]
Wanna know what I absolutely LOVE? The assumption that no one "talks shit"... So when you do "talk shit"... you are labeled horrible, for the mere fact something negative about another person crossed your mind.
We are humans. We are made to criticize.
Sure, there are people... that if something happens in front of their very eyes... they judge it only to themselves...
But if I am standing next to a best friend... who I feel so close to at heart... I will judge it, and share it.
Maybe its evil.. Maybe its the devil's work.
Or maybe it's just human nature?
Now, what I don't agree with.. are the people that talk shit & then don't "back it up"... ((This entry is written in ghetto terms, fyi)) Because if you felt the need to share it with ONE person, you can certainly share it with someone else if he/she confronts you.
What if you no longer feel that way? Too bad, admit to having felt it once, and that you are over it now.
What if it gets you to fight? Too bad, you were the one who felt the need to share it.
((Side note: I believe sharing it is a big deal, for the mere fact that sometimes, we tend to influence others.))

But I will say something right here... very loud and clear. If I say something about you, and I don't think its worth bringing up.. Its not because Im scared to fight, or because Im ashamed of what I said, or I wont back it up... Its because I believe it to be so miniscule... that its not worth it.. That you might take it the wrong way... and basically we could risk our friendship.
Believe me, if its a big problem... I will let you know.
If not, let it go.. Im not asking you for every small piece of shit you've said about me.
Shut up, you've said shit about me... you're human.

How many people can you say you have NEVER EVER EVER EVER said anything remotely negative about... How many people can you say, you truly, in your heart believe have never said anything bad about you
Many? Yeah? Then I take all this back. Im an idiot.

To the person that I talked to last night that influenced me to write this, involutarly of course:
i love you & I always loved you... If you feel the need to take what I said and let it end our friendship, then fine. But despite what you wanna believe, you did know me, and i did know you. Dont believe everything everyone tells you.
I wont deny that i said it. But I had my reasons, & it wasnt said the way you think it was said.
I love you & i hope we can talk this out.

So yeah, as much as it is human nature to talk shit... You've gotta face the consequences.. deal with it.. learn from it.. but don't let the drama swallow you alive...

BTW: the show last night was amazing, I am very proud of the singer... I wanted to cry... but I didn't... well I did a little. And I just couldn't stay in the back .. I had to move to the front... Amazing.
26bitch & moan

Non basta mai il tempo... [25 Jul 2004|07:04pm]
Pics from earlier today...
then Venice w/ Ren...
Wanted to show u guys mah new hair
that i love love love..
yeah dont mind the bangs, i cut em myself...

... I need a daddy...so I can get a tattoo...Collapse )
61bitch & moan

Agree or Disagree? [25 Jul 2004|09:44am]
In your life, you are always going to have certain people under certain roles... In my opinion, of course.

You're always going to have the "best friend" who claims to love you, but hooks up with your boyfriend, or your ex's...You know, the one that attempts to smooth things over between you and your ex... and gets close to him or her... and ends up taking him or her out... You know that best friend, Im sure you have one, and if you dont... you will.
You're always going to have the love that lingers. An ex boyfriend or girlfriend that months or even years after, you are still in bed with, after having broken up... You know, the only one who kisses you right, the only one who knows exactly how to make love to you, how to kiss you...The only one you feel comfortable with, even if you don't want to admit it. The one, that you think about even when you are dating someone else.. late at night, he's still in your thoughts. Again, if you don't have him or her yet, you will, Im sure of it.
You're always going to have the good friends that you grow distant from, but somehow every time you reunite, even if its just for a month, its the most satisfying feeling in the world. You know, the one who calls you months later, and asks you how you are, and asks you to coffee, and you end up hanging out with for days. Only to reach another temporary dead end...
You're always going to have someone you deeply admire, even if at times you're ashamed of it. You secretely jot down certain things they do, or ways they deal with certain issues...
You wont admit reading everything they write... You wont even admit to looking at them when they are talking, watchin their lips move..
of course, all this in a NON psycho crazy obsessed way...
You are always going to have those people that truly do accept you for who you are. Whether it'd be a friend, or a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, mother, father, brother, sister.. someone. Someone you can laugh in front of, you know, the real way you laugh, not the way you laugh in front of people you barely know. Someone you can talk shit about someone else to, even when its so obvious that you are jealous and in reality feel so inferior.Someone you can burp in front of, fart in front of, be silent with when the mood doesnt call for talking...Some one you can go to parties and be antisocial with , when you feel like it... and when you dont, go be VERY SOCIAL WITH :)
You're always going to have that one teacher that sticks out in Highschool.
....That crush from a million years ago, that maybe you might have now, or you might not...
....That kid you used to bully in middle school ((We all did it, if it wasn't beating up for money, it was certainly in a softer way... more delicate perhaps emotional verbal beating up))

Although our lives seems so different from one anothers sometimes... The basics are there. We all get hurt. We all love. We all trust. We all admire. We all get hurt some more.All our wounds scar, and we all learn from our battles... We all do things that we know aren't good for us, you know.. the guilty pleasures... We are all ashamed of something in our past, we've all messed up... We are all insecure.. We all love some more.. and if we allow them to, others can love all of us back too... Its one big cycle..
Don't ever feel alone

Because you aren't.

23bitch & moan

[24 Jul 2004|01:38am]
Guess whos back
back again
Chi chi's back
tell a friend
guess whos back
guess whos back
guess whos back !!!
24bitch & moan

FUCK! [20 Jul 2004|03:18pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

+Last Update in Italy+

Ive learned a lot on this vacation. But what I cant seem to get out of my mind.. the one thing that i just cant stop thinkin about... :: Damn, the world is fuckin big.
And I mean that in more ways than one.. And that phrase means more to me than what it is...
Think about it.
You surround urself with people... because its comfortable. You spend ur life shaping urself to other people.. and their flaws.. and the lil things they do that bug u... And u force urself to get accustomed to them...
Everytime a friend does u shady.. at least in my case, i have almost always forgiven. Im a forgiving person.
But what I cant stand is others not forgiving u. Being selfish about the way they see ur friendship. Like all they do is do shit for u... but u.. no no no, u NEVER do anything in return do u?
So im fake? fuck ur life, cunt.

U spend all ur life shaping urself and excusing things that u shouldnt have to deal with. Believe it or not, there are people out there .. that are right for u.. for ur friendship. There are people that u dont have to feel inferior to.. and there are friendships where it doesnt make u cum to feel superior than someone else.
Believe it or not, if u fuckin look.. ull realize u dont have to sit and be put down by people that supposedly love u.
because there are people out there that wouldnt do that.. that wont do that.. if u let them.

I think its human nature to bash on someone else.. it makes u feel better about urself.. thats why we have bullies in middle school.. and bad break ups in highschool, that end up with "fuck u, ur shit, im better, i dont need u, u sucked in bed anyway, u were a whore, u have a small dick".
Its like that...
and when someone comes to u, because they have a problem with they way uv been acting or something.. tell them to get ready cuz they are going to get bashed in return. Something u do wrong... they do worse. Right?

And to think its possible to almost completely avoid these games, these competitions.. these horrible discussions... u just happen to settle for the first thing u find.
and i mean that in friendship and relationship status.

Iv been single for about 7 months now.. almost 8. Apart from one small incident ((and i mean small cuz it lasted 2 days)) i have had no intention to force something upon myself. Face it, a lot of us do it.
Its fear, i believe.
U think if u dont jump at the first thing that comes by that seems exceptable... ull never get a chance again. So then u put up with bullshit after bullshit after bullshit... on and on and on...
thats what i did with that 2 day relationship, i thought.. maybe its time i settle down again for a bit.

I dont know. All i know is that this vacation really helped me become more open minded. If someone wants to apoloigize for all the crap theyv done to me, then good.. all is forgiven... but its hard to get a full out apology. most likely, somewhere in there ur going to hear all the shit U did wrong to make HIM or HER do u shady.
i used to do that with my ex all the time.
there are more people out there than u know. expand. believe. trust. but never loose faith in urself.. that ull b ok for a while.. even if ur heart is in ur own hands.. even if for a while u cant have any close close friends, so what, buy a journal...

its better done right... than done half ass.
half ass = MORE pain.

good learnin here in italy.
love u all.
see u on Friday.
21bitch & moan

[19 Jul 2004|06:53pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I redyed my hair
did some sort of a treatment for it
so its alive again.
its now dark red..
its lovely.
my eyes are like, woah hi.

i love it.
italy ending soon.
im sad.

i miss u.
pix comin next update.

6bitch & moan

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