and still I basically cry every day.
The only two days I did not cry, were the two days I met Takashi.
I don't know how it is possible but he made me forget my pain and even going home after I saw him, , I was full of nice feelings and kept remembering his smiles and his words.
Unfortunately reality comes back again and every day is so painful.
But I don't want for the others to have pity for me so I try as much as I can to smile and pretend that I'm ok.
I wonder how long I can keep on before I just give up.
But since I want to talk about nice things today, here I am talking about Takashi.
On the day of my birthday, I really felt like I didn't want to do anything but Takashi was having a kind of promotional event for a very..ahem, weird dvd and I thought that it couldn't hurt to go.
At least I would see his face on my birthday.
Turns out only few people from his FC came, and I arranged to see two friends after the event because I wanted for him to meet again a friend who was his fan some years ago and a new friend who is currently working as a singer in Japan.
It was kind of fun because they were waiting for me outside (they didn't come to the event) so I went out after the first part of the second event (he was having one event in the morning and one in the afternoon) just to talk with them.
Turns out him and the other actors were coming out exactly from the place we were staying and when he saw me outside he came to me put a hand on my shoulder and said "Are you coming back inside?"
I didn't actually plan to, because basically that part of the event was for those who bought a ticket in order to have a pic with the cast but I was not interested in a pic with all the cast, even if he was there too. The pics I want are only with him, so I told him that I was not that much interested in that part. He went back inside but then I decided to go back to see how long it was taking and his manager was like "Go, go take a pic, come on, the others did too!!" And he convinced me to go there and take a pic too.
Funny was that I was the only foreigner and since before the other members of the cast were like, shocked and looked at me in awe.
Then I went there sitting in the middle with Takashi on my left and they were all thrilled but Takashi was
Takashi:Ok how do you want to take this pic?
Me:I have no idea...
Takashi: Oh can I hug you?
At this point, the other members of the cast, who did not know that Takashi actually knew me, were all
"Eh? What kind of question is that???? ohi what???"
I was like all "Sure "
And we took a pic like that.
Poor cast members that were so shocked ~O~
Then I waited for him outside later because I wanted to introduce him my friend and have him see again my other friend.
He was very thrilled, but while I was talking with him, my friend was "Btw you know, today is her birthday!"
And he was all "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MEE!!!"
And started singing happy birthday to me while hugging me but instead of my name he put "Ciao Ciao" in its place.
It's been years and I was seriously fearing that either he just did not remember my name at all no matter that everybody else did and he too seemed to know it for a long time (his manager has been calling me Alechan since forever).
Then, when he went home he wrote on his blog something about that day, how it has been a nice day and he felt the usual "home feeling" plus he met people he did not see for a long time (my friend) and some new people (my other friend).
And I was really touched.
Now, usually after this kind of experience with him I'm used to have the next experience being not so nice.
On the 27th, there was his BBQ event at Odaiba.
My friend Hisa decided to dress me in the kimono for the night event while I went in normal clothes for the morning one.
Well, during the event there is always the private time with him, so this time when I entered the first thing he said was
Takashi :"Alessandra" (my full name)
Me: "You do not need to say it, it's long, Ale is better, I thought you did not remember my name"
Takashi: "I always remember, but I use a pet name for you because it's cute. But I know your name of course, by the way, happy birthday, I was really surprised you did not tell me"
Me: "Yeah, well thank you for the song and all"
Then I don't remember how we ended up talking about how time passes and I told him that exactly on August, 10 years before I met him for the first time, but I was different, really..ahem, big (I lost more than 30 kgs) and I wasn't going to be surprised if he did not remember me from that time.
But he said he always remembers me like..now, with this shape and he couldn't imagine me in another way. Then, he asked me why I lost weight...
WTF he was all "Why??? Why???"
I was tempted to say "For you!!!" But then resolved to "You know, I came here and everyone was so thin and beautiful, and I just wanted to become beautiful too although I'm not quite there yet"
But he said "You are beautiful"
At this point I became totally red and said that he was nice but I actually did not believe something like that and he was "You are, you are"
Then our time finished and we took the pic together. I wish I could show the pics here because they are the best pic I ever took with him.
I realized that now, after all this time, he likes to touch...like you know, have a physical contact with the people he talks too and by any mean I have NO PROBLEM with that.
On the second private talk (two events two private talks) I was in the yukata that Hisa made me wear.
I did not have time to enter in the room that he was "You are really cute, it looks very good on you the yukata!"
My mind was "Stop being so nice because you are making it impossible to find another person like you!!!!"
At that time we talked about summer, yukata and so on. But there was one thing interesting. I'm not sure if he realized that I needed for him to say my name...he kept saying it in the sentences, you know like "Ale wa..." "Ale wa.."
And I know it is weird, because long time ago when I was talking with Hisa and the others, I said I was kind of sad that he did not remember my name as it seemed that he never used it, but they said it is normal. Takashi never uses people first name when talking to them.
Well, he was certainly using mine ahahah
So yeah, and that was not the first time he did something weird to me.
One year ago, he was in a play where he did not particularly like the role he was given and the director was pretty harsh on him. On the first day, after the play, when we were still inside for the actors talk he left without saying anything to anyone, not even to his manager.
When we went otr and met his manager he was still sure Takashi was inside, however after messaging him he got the answer "I came out early, the girls were not there and I left"
We were kind of disappointed and I said that I hoped for him to apologize for this the next day, but the others said that he never apologizes, even when he does something like this, he is just not good at apologizing to people. Infact, the following day he did not apologize. Ok, you know, there are people like that.
Half of an year later, when he was in a play in Shinjuku, we resolved to do also irimachi, that means waiting for him before the play starts.
I woke up late on that day and messaged Hisa telling her to say "Ciao ciao" from me to Takashi because I wasn't going to make it on time.
She did, but that evening, when I went to wait for him at the end of the play, and talked to him by myself, the first thing he said was "I'm sorry if I didn't wait for you this morning, I'm really sorry"
I was the one who woke up late, but he actually apologized. The guy who never apologizes....apologized for something that it was not even his fault.
Honestly, he confuses me so much.
But lately I have been feeling that some kind of wall broke.
I just know that he touches me more, he calls my name, I...don't know how to explain it. I know, I am ready to go back to the usual, it is bound to happen, but for this moment, just let me bask a little bit in these nice memories because they make me forget my pain while they last.
The bad side is that I am having hard time in finding a replacement for him. And it's not that I don't have choices...oh I do...but...maybe one of my friends, Hiro is right, if I never try to be something more, if I never try and see what happens I will never know the outcome and will never be able to move on.
But honestly I do not have enough courage to do that.
The time when he stopped me at the station and offered me some drink at the drinking machine and we sat there together drinking...are in the past. I don't think they will ever come back or that I will ever have a similar chance again.
I am so scared...
Oh well, at least it was not only a depressing entry this time...