美夢 (_miyuchan_) wrote,
美夢
_miyuchan_

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I love you mum


I'm not sure why I'm writing here.
Probably because this is the place I know less people and so writing my feelings here will not affect a lot those who will read it.
On the 30th of June, my mum, the person I love the most in this world, left us.
I already wrote before how she fell into depression, and then anorexia.
She lost too much weight, I went back to Italy last month after seeing her before the depression, in November.
My mum who never showed her actual age, looked 25 years older than her age when I saw her last month.
Her weight was 38 kgs and I had a big trauma.
For all the 10 days I spent in Italy last month I stayed near her, became her nurse, she was not eating much but she actually gained like 1.5 kg with me. She seemed to get better.
We talked and she agreed to see a doctor.
She seemed to get better but...apparently it was too late.
The day I left, my heart felt heavy. I cried in my room before leaving and when she saw me she realized I was crying and said "Don't cry, I'm fine, don't worry about me"
But somehow I could not believe her.
Her brain was fine. And she did not have any terminal disease.
It was just her mind, the incredible pain she must have felt inside her mind to bring her to depression and anorexia in the end was too much for her body.
On the 30th of June, while I was going to work, in Tokyo, my dad called me crying and said "Mum is not here anymore"
And I could not cry for at last 30 minutes.
My breathing was heavy and I knew I had to find a way to go back to Italy but first I would need to go to work and explain.
Everybody was really undrstanding and they gave me days.
I confess that the pain I was feeling was so much that I wanted to die too.
Nothing mattered anymore because my mum was not with me anymore.
I went back home and looked for a flight. Then packed few clothes without actually knowing what to bring and left.
The flight was horrible.
When I reached Rome, my father and brother came to pick me at the airport and we went back home.
I went to lie in my mum's bed, I felt completely drained. And cried, cried, cried so much.
I admit I have confused memories about that even if it happened only one week ago.
I remember chosing the clothes she would need to wear in the coffin, I remember people calling and calling asking how I was and I just closed myself off completely.
It took two days for the funeral. We requested an authopsy to see why...to see if...something else was wrong.
But the result was what I feared in the beginning.
You see, when you lose so much weight, your body first uses the fat you have, then when the fat is no more, it uses muscles for the energy you need. And our heart is a muscle.
My mum's heart was small, and tired, so tired. She could just not bear to keep on going anymore.
She died of an heart failure.
My father sometimes when we are simply talking, starts crying.
We received tons, tons of phone calls and he would explain to every single person what happened. After the second day I asked him to answer phone calls in other rooms because I could not bear to listen to the story anymore.
People call me, and I refuse their call.
If I'm alone at home I don't answer the phone.
I'm just so...I don't know. I dream of her still being alive and somehow I think I'm still not accepting the truth. This is why I'm refusing to talk to people who costantly ask me "How are you?"
It hurts to talk, to explain, to accept.
And then, my mum had an house, had some money, we had all the accounts in common so now according to italian law all our bank accounts will be frozen so we are going around giving certificates, moving money, creating new accounts, contacting lawyers...
When I just wish I could stay in her bed, surronded by her smell and actually realize that I'm not going to see her face anymore, I'm not going to hear her voice asking me how the job was going or if I could send her more songs I registered at karaoke. And the thought that she might have suffered during her last days doesn't make me sleep.
Around 150 people or maybe more came to her funeral.
My elementary school classmates too...and their parents. They are calling me asking me to go out but...I just do not feel like that.

I like music, I love listening to music and imagining things like for example what will happen on a certain day or what will I do when I see a certain person. Music is for me is as important as life.
I realized that since the day my mum died, I did not listen to music.
Anything at all.
It's like I am unable to imagine my life, my future anymore.

I long to go back to Japan, and to keep myself so busy thinking about work, events, friends, in order to pretend that everything is fine.
Because here I am yes busy, but all the things I have to do are related to the fact she is not here anymore and this is so unbearable.
I'm writing here trying to hope that in this way I can actually realize at least a little bit of the truth. But the truth is that I'm not sure I understood this situation. And I'm not sure I can bear with it.
Apparently in my family our body is strong, but our mind is not.
My mum is not the first one too, my aunt, her sister after the death of his husband fell into depression and now is under heavy antidepressants.
And my mum fell into depression, even if nobody knows the reason.
Should I be worried about me? Honestly I don't really care.
I don't know what will be of me, of my life.
I'm trying to not think.
Am I grieving? Mourning?
I don't know.
My mum was everything to me and I lost her.
And probably she was in pain.
Is there anything worse than this?
Losing the person you love the most without being able to be near her when it happens.
Knowing that her body was FINE and that no medicine would work.

Writing here...I hoped it would help me put my feelings in order.
I guess it didn't.
I don't dare to hope that it will get better.
I still miss my grandma who died more than 10 years ago.
I miss her immensely and it was my grandma.
My mum was my life.
I lost my life.
I don't know what to do anymore now.
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