As for that, I've decided that 2008 was going to be my SUMMER OF GEORGE! ... only, obviously, my year or Renee....
I got a part in the Ottawa production of The Vagina Monologues - which is pretty fucking bitchin', and I'm also getting together with some creative geniuses to make some sweet, sweet music... hopefully, y'know, if we ever get a change to get together to that, and such.
Not many of my friends are left here on LJ, and the ones that are I am lucky enough to get to talk to so this update is really for my own ego in thinking that people who don't know me, care about what's going on in my life lol
I know for a while, I've been going on about how my mother is purposly trying to start shit with me, or to cause conflict... well today my friend, I HAVE PROOF!
Let me start at the beginning...
Last weekend, Yvonne came over so we could hang out, work on homework, and clea the basement.
Saturday morning, we started cleaning very early on.
We cleaned for hours. the basement didn't get finished, but we made some trumendous headway.
My mother was completely aware of this, as she was home all day cleaning the upstairs.
She even commented on the progress.
She knew we hadn't finished, but didn't seem bothered. And she was also aware that I had an extremely busy week with my homework, as she was constantly encouraging me to keep up with the homework.
Well today, shortly after I arived home from my criminal law exam, as I was eating my lunch, mother comes up the stairs and states:
"I know this is going to 'P' you off, but the basement is a real eye sore, and I don't appreciate it! You're taking advantage of me. Here I am -constantly- babysitting for you, and you can't even keep the basement clean"
1: You don't have to look at the damn mess. If you can't bring yourself to tear your eyes away, then that's not my fault. 2: If only it were you being taken advantage of -- I'd be much happier 3: I didn't realise taking care of your grandson (While he's down for the night for the most part) was such a demanding job. Forgive me for bestowing the burden of keeping an ear out for your only grandchild.
So yes, as you can plainly observe, she's just looking for things to throw at me.
Evidently I'm furious, but after she threw all that bullshit at me, I lost my appetite, packed up my lunch, grabbed Liam, and headed down to the sty completely prepared to put her in her place should she commence again. Luckily for the two of us, no longer than 5 minutes later, she was talking to me like nothing had happend.
The whole idea of the weekend is stressing me out.
Long weekends have that effect on me now lol.
Yve might be coming over on Saturday to sleep over so we can tackle some homework, but that will only provide temporary relief as I'll still be home on Monday.
I know this all sounds dumb, because really, where else would I want to be? Honestly?
I'd really just like to be anywhere but here.
Liam's been a terror, and absolute terror.
The terrible two's were definetly unexpected - certainly to the degree it's at now. Unexpected to everyone, not just myself!!
He's always getting frustrated, which is normal. He has temper tantrums, quite frequently at that, but of course, this is all normal as well.
When he's frustrated, he hits himself or pitches his toys.... again, normal.
But, the kid had developed some more violent tendencies. Most of which are directed at me.
When he's mad, he'll hit - but this is normal.
Alot of times, he'll just come up to me and wave his hands in my face as if mimicing hitting me.
But as of early this week, he's developed another habit that no one can really explain.
This only happens with me. When he's mad, or frustrated, he'll come to me, and dig his nails into my arm.
It's gotten to the point where when I try and move him away, lets say when I'm changing him, he'll actually fight me to keep pinching me like this. The other day, despite my fighting to get out of it, he drew blood.
So, he's basically attacking me.
At first I actually thought the whole 'trying to be tough' thing was kind of cute - nothing I couldn't handle.
But I'm actually starting to get scared of him. Well, maybe not scared, but there's certainly very little enthusiasm to spend alot of time with him.
I've tried talking to other moms. Mom's my age, mom's who are older, and retired moms lol.
But none of them have had their children be violent like that, certainly not towards them. All they can ever suggest is to just walk away, or move him to another activity.
I guess it works to a degree, but not enough sometimes.
Anyways, that's my plight at this point.
As for everything else, I'm just terribly terribly tired.
This weekend, especially today and tomorrow, will be especially taxing because Mike won' tbe here to keep mom collected.
Otherwise, and especially recently, she's been going out of her way to find things to be angry at me with.
For example, the other night when Yve was over, I had cleaned the entire upstairs, put away MY MOTHERS dishes from the day before, put away our dishes, cleaned all the tables, stove, and picked up all of the living room. Not to mention that I had finished making that blanket for Mallory, and continued to pick all that up. No problem.
Until the next day when I started to talk to mom about maybe having Yve over again on the weekend so we could do homework.
She proceeded to put out a long sigh and say:
"Well Renee, I have to say I was really disapointed with the state you left the house in."
"What? Do you mean?" I replied.
"Well, you didn't put your dishes away."
"You mean those pots? I'm sorry, I got occupied and didn't think to wash them since there was no more room in the dishwasher"
"Well, not just that, it was just a mess."
...that's where I lost it.
I bascically broke down for her all the things I had done the night before. She could not deny that I had cleaned up the livingroom, vacumed (the vacume was still out when she got home), picked up all my things (one of her biggest complaints) cleaned up the living room so Liam wouldn't be distracted the next morning before daycare, picked up all of our -other- dishes, AND put away HER dishes from the day before.
She continued to say that while she did notice that I had indeed vacumed and tidied up, that I had neglected my 1 pot and 1 frying pan, and that I had forgotten to put the bucked with Liam's cars away out of sight, and that he had been very distracted that morning because of it.
Anyways, it's pretty blatent that she's honestly just trying to pick on me for whatever reason I'm honestly not sure why. But she did not back off until Mike came into the house.
Somedays I can very resentful that my mother and father aren't together anymore. That they didn't just try harder. My mom always pegs the troubles on dad, and dad always just says that he couldn't keep making up excuses for how she was treating him. But in the end, she was the one to ask him to leave. I wish my dad was here everyday. Certainly now.
Anways, that's my rant. I'm really tired of everything because it's a difficult thing to think that this might go on for a long time.
It only helps so much to force yourself to believe that things will get better -one day-.
I get really frustrated sometimes, especially when it concerns money, or my mother. Especially so when it involves the two.
I recently found out that my college has been dishonest about our school year schedualing. My entire class and I were under the impression that school would be over come the end of September, co-op and all. I just found out, through another student, not the administration, that school was indeed over come the end of September... but not he co-op. The placement was to stretch into November.
The issue here is, that alot of the students, mainly single parents, rely on OSAP as their primary source of income. OSAP is provided for a designated amount of time. Our time being until the end of September. This means that we have practically, if not absolutely no income for the two months that follow, and Heaven forbid, the months without employment.
That being said, I'm preparing for the worst. That means reviewing my budget for the umpteenth time. As it stands, I'm spending over $1000 a month on amenities such as rent, daycare (now $480 a month), cell phone, and general items such a diapers (providing for 4 locations now), milk, bottled water since our tap water is salty, transportation, and medications. Not to mention clothes and shoes for a growing boy.
Sure, I spent money that I shouldn't on things like lunches at school, the odd used movie or an article of clothing once in a while. Clearly, this will have to stop.
I've concluded that for my budget to last until October, I can only spend:
Rent: $365 Cell: $40 Daycare: $480 General: $150
If it weren't for things like my Child Tax Benefit, and Orphans' Benefit, I would not be able to survive on my own.
I've tried to get a job, but because my hours are so scattered, no one wants to hire me. I'm currently collecting unwanted items of mine to sell for some extra cash, and I'm thinking of taking a labour job during my two weeks off this summer.
I'm not bitter whatsoever. I know that these things are minor sacrifices to remain as independent as possible, and to maintain my dignity and to keep my future finances from my mother. Not to mention that there will be easier times in the not too distant future, and that gives me hope.
Today, I brought up the topic to my mother. I put forth the idea of reducing my rent from $365, to $300. Reason being is that because she buys things for me throughout the month, she adds the cost to my rent, thereby increasing my rent to fit those purchases. My rent by the end of the month is far into the $400 bracket.
She didn't like this idea, but once I mentioned that if finances don't pick up, she'll have to pay for everything come October, she started to listen a little more.
Unfortunately, my mother feels the need to exercise control tactics on people's finances. Therefore, she's only up to the idea if she's able to be incontrol of my budget.
I expressed to her that the majority of my 'budget' goes to her anyways. She feels that I'm missing some income somewhere in my budget deduction that she would be able to find. As you can all see with my break down earlier in this rant, that is my budget. That's all of it.
I explained this to her, but she got defensive and asked me what my problem was with sharing my budget with her. I explained that there was nothing to share.
So there's my dilema.
I'm very frustrated but it's practically at the point now where her attitude is so persistent and vile, that I haven't the energy to even argue it. What can I do?
Everyone from my boyfriend, best friends, and even my father now simply say "Don't do any of it."
But what else am I supposed to do? Sure, not giving my mother my student loan money would solve my financial issues, but the emotional strain on everyone in this household would be tremendous.
I hate that I can't even stand up to my own mother. She's getting old, and she's clearly suffering from some mental issues. In all honesty, I should be the one in charge considering in less than 10 years, she'll easily be coming to me for support and help.
I don't like letting someone control me, and I'm not entirely sure why I let her get away with it.
I feel the need to sit down and shut up because you can't change someone, least of all someone who had no idea that they're doing something wrong or hurtful.
I feel at a loss, and am very angry. Angry, but most of all emotionally exhausted.
As a daughter, a person, and most of all as a parent, I cannot understand how someone could treat their daughter, only daughter and first born at that. Not to mention the mother of their only grandchild, the way my mother treats me. I really can't.
And there are people who probably thing I exaggerate. I really wish I did.
So, that being said, my hands are tied. I'm frustrated and most days, I really wish she'd just disapear.
Hopefully this time next year all will be different.
Forever and a day since I updated anything on here.
Nobody really updates anymore except for Becca and Lauren lol.
So whether this will actually get read or not I suppose it the main issue.
School's not going especially well. My doctor is still adjusting my medication, and by 'adjusting' I mean, just upping it until I seem better.
Since just before the last increase I started having some issues, so he cleared his schedual and made time for me a month from the last time we saw one another instead of 2-3 months. I feel important =3
I don't know what's the cause of any of my junk. Essentially I'm having difficulting falling asleep before 2-3am, I can totally function on very little sleep, but usually as the day wears on a bit, I'm unable to concentrate anymore and often have difficulties reading - which sucks, because that's my only hobby lol.
Other than that, the apathy is nice.
And that's my tale.
It's not all in vain, I finally chatted with my teacher, not in great detail mind you, but either way, she's going help me out, to which is a load of my mind.
Liam's doing well. He extemely chatty now. Can say so much, and almost make coherent sentences, mind you, I can pretty much desipher anything he says at this point. Some call it a gift... He can get a little hyperactive, so I'm cutting out a lot of things like lots of sugar, and too much TV. He's in a new daycare now because our old sitter is having her 2nd baby. I'm really excited for her. I feel close to her because her son David is 6 now, but she had him at a young age much like myself. So it's a comforting feeling. Liam loves being at the new sitters'. When he was at Chrissys', he was with all little girls. Babys, and toddlers, but all younger than him. Now he's with ALL BOYS! And they're all the same age give or take a month or two. So, practically all the toys there are trains and cars lol. And Thomas the Tank Engine GALORE!
I'm happy he's happy.
Right now he's watching the Dora the Explorer movie that his Auntie Karen got him, for the hundreth time. It's only two bloody stories but what's all he's wanted to watch for a few weeks now. I try and put a quiet movie on for him right before bed to chill him out. So things like Thomas, Dora, Wiggles. They're short, which is good.
He's also in his 'big boy' bed now. It's a blue race car. At first it was like, Orange Terror Alert all the time. Now he's much better, even off his bottle!! WOO!!! He doesn't wake up as much anymore, which helps ALOT.
the only issue is that if you're not around to keep an ear out, or your sleeping and he gets up, he can totally demolish his room. He'll pull all of his clothes or of the drawers, throw diapers, baby wips and kleenex all over the room, and the list goes on.
The other day, while my mother was babysitting I might ad (Actually, it was no one's fault lol) Liam wouldn't sleep at nap time, and he pulled all the drawers our of the dresser, and tried to climb it!! Needless to say, the thing fell on him, and he hasn't done it since. He wasn't hurt, just stunned.
I'm going to get some portraits of him done soon. Some spring ones. I haven't had any sears portraits done in ages. Karin (Karen's friend lol) she took some great pictures of Liam as a tutle. They were amazing. But I want the cookie-cutter picture for the spring time. I think I got the idea because I haven't seen my Nanny in a while, and I really want to send her some pictures of us. She's got developing alzheimers, and while she forget's the names of everyone in our family, she's never messed up mine, or Liam's names. It really means alot.
So, I did my funds breakdown and it's clear that I need to get a job to make ends meet.
Which is unfortunate because I'm already slacking in school, by my own devices of course.
Maybe my cousin will give me a little part-time job at Ardene's and I can do a few shifts weekday mornings. Or maybe Second Cup.
I'll look around.
After reviewing my budget I -can- make things work, but they'll be tight, and I can only make them work as far as October/November.
Problem is that I'm pretty sure I'll have to retake a few courses in order to obtain my diploma. Crappy diploma, that I don't -really- need. But if I want my dad to even think about helping me repay my student loans, I have to have that piece of paper.
I guess I can ask for money for my birthday, and just make a bit of a nest egg. Just in case. That plus job might work.
So, this week wasn't terribly fantastic by any means.
I had some medication issues on the weekend, so Monday night was a little off. Tuesday I took a personal day, and Bryn came to visit and took me to Nickles, even though it's still endorsed by Celine Dion, whom Bryn doesn't care much for.
I went back to school on Wednesday and continued through to Thursday.
I was behind on my work because the exam for tort law was supposed to be last Friday, but there was a snow storm, and then I was unprepared for the exam once I found out it was written, not on the computer.
I did manage to do the exam yesterday, and am glad this week's over.
So, my moods haven't been great. I'm a little touchy which doesn't help. My mother is making life hard, yet again.
My brother's birthday is next week. But he's getting dental surgery done on his birthday, so we won't really be able to celebrate on the actual day.
Because I never get to see William, and because my schedual is so hectic right now, I was going to take him out for dinner and a movie where I could give him his presents and just have some time with him. Saturday is honestly the ONLY day I can do this. Friday night mom's gone, so I don't have a vehicle, or a sitter. Sunday is a school night, so I have to be home and in bed early, and the rest of the week I'm at school all day. I informed mom of all this, but she decided that she wanted to take us all out to dinner, and that Will and I could go to a movie AFTER dinner with her and Mike.
I told her that I really wanted to take William out myself for some 'us' time since we never see eachother, and I wanted it to be my idea.
Yeah, no dice. Apparently, every other night of the week isn't good enough for her to celebrate Will's birthday. It HAS to be Saturday. Not Sunday night, all together, or even that afternoon after Church. Monday night, tuesday night, wednesday night. Nope. I'd even consider skipping some school for a lunch date with the two.
And seriously, this isn't about me being angry about mom stealing my idea, it's just that William and I are really close, and we don't ever get to spend time together because he's either in Brockville, or I'm away at Bryn's, and on the weekends I do stay home to see him, he's already made plans far in advance.
So I'm extremely aggitated and saddened by the circumstances.
I have explained how I feel, and what I wanted to do to mom quite to the point. But she just took it away. I don't know how she can think that some of the things she doesn't upset people or hurt their feelings.
Anytime I've ever told her that she's hurt my feelings or that she's been insensitive, she patronizes me about being too sensitive and that the real world isn't going to be sensitive and that I should just grow up. Or as for the feelings being hurt, it goes a little like this:
"Mom, you're hurting my feelings" "Oh, geeze Renee! I'm hurting your feelings... grow up. Nobody's looking out for your feelings."
Anyways, that's beyond the point.
She seriously doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. I have half a mind not to even go tomorrow to her little party (at the restaurant I picked as well). Of course, that wouldn't be fair to William, and this is supposed to be about him.
So I will take my mother's advice and suck it up.
She's just making it easier to leave her behind one day.
Got any ideas...? Okay, so I'm not looking for attention or gloating about an illness or anything by including pictures with this post. I'm pretty sure none of you think that way about me, but I know how I feel when some people go on tangents about how 'sick' they are and it drives me nuts. I don't think I'm sick, I'm just curious as to why my hair is falling out the way it is. Hence the pictures.
If anyone knows anything about hair loss, or they know what to do in a situation like this, please lemme know? People have suggested it's because of my medication, but when I looked into it, it seems to be a very rare side effect. Other people have suggested stress, and while I am constantly on the go, I'm certainly not overwhelmed about anything, and I've never experience hair loss even when I have been overwhelmed.
I'm not terribly worried or anything, I think my worries are purely vanity related.
I've been trying to grow my hair out for some time now, I even stopped dying it! (If you can believe it!) But now I'm losing all of my hair. And not to mention that it's hella nasty looking.
I need everyone who is free on the weekend of March 3/4 to volunteer to bowl for a good cause!
the Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Ottawa are having a Rock n'Bowl (curling or bowling) I'm choosing bowling, and I need team-mates to come with me on either March 3 or 4 (havne't decided what day yet) and bowl for the cause.
This is the website. If you can find some time, just check it out. DON'T SIGN UP FOR ANYTHING BEFORE CONSULTING ME!! (that is, if you want to be on my team) I haven't signed up as a team leader yet because no one has promised to be there as of yet.
So, just check it out, and get back to me if you're interested.
You get a free t-shirt and you'll be helping alot of people whil having a fun time!
Hate me if you must... I know I complain about this every other week, but I'm just so furious, that I feel the need to rant once more.
I fucking HATE my cat.
I don't think any of you could grasp the intensity of my rage towards this animal.
At first it was amusing. My cat's a sex addict - har har.
But no, he's a sly demonic deviant sex FIEND!
All of you know he's arthritic. He's probably cancerous, or has some equally debilitaing illness. He'll be 14 or 15 years old this year and he's shedding like a maniac.
I can deal with all of that. I can deal that he drools, that he mults, that his annoying meow scares me out of sleep at ungodly hours of the night, but messing with my clothes is the last straw.
It's not that it's my clothes. It's not that it's my son's clothes. It's that this mongrol of a feline develops these super-cat powers and is able to literally climb to the highest points in my room or the deepest points of my hamper to grab my clothes.
Okay, so he's an acrocat (heh, acrobat, acrocat... you get it).
No - it doesn't end there.
I recently noticed that it wasn't so much the amount of clothing he was getting, it was -what- he was getting.
He keeps taking the same articles of clothing. That, and it's only when they're freshly washed. Which is shitty, because once he rapes them, I have to watch off their shame, and he's at it again!
Honestly, I don't have time to do laundry every day.
I'd like to wear my nice clothes (did I mention it's only my nice stuff?), and I'd like to be able to fold my clean clothes at my leisure rather than pack them away into some impenetrable hole in my backyard.
I don't know what the hell to do. I have half a mind to just put the thing out of it's misery, and mine as well.
I don't think I could do that in good conscious, but I don't think it would be such a bad thing if the ol'man passed on at some point in the near futre...as long as it's not on any of my clothes.
I'd like to share a little bit of wisdom with all of you, if I may.
Upon noticing that items in your house are moving by themselves, water is turning into blood when you draw a bath, weird things are appearing behind you when you look in a mirror/your face is decomposing when you look into a mirror, your children are having weird flash backs to other lives/talking to imginary friends that could/have attacked them/tell them things about the future/past, or your child is drawing alot of circles/losing sleep/having their blankets ripped of their beds at night/their beds are shaking at night...
...then you probably have a ghost, and/or poltergiest.
Upon realising that you are indeed living with a ghost, and/or poltergiest, you must therefore assume that your house is haunted.
When living in a haunted house, don't call a priest. It does nothing. When living in a haunted house, don't hold a seance. It makes things worse. When living in a haunted house, don't try and figure out -why- your house is haunted. Something terrible happend. Okay? That's all there is to it.
It could be an indian burial ground. It could be rape. It could be murder. It could be mormons. It could me political madness.
It doesn't matter. Point is, you're living in a haunted house.
That being said.
Or, if you're an opportunist, start a tour/webcam/sell the rights to the feds/univeristy/film producers.
Either way, don't make it your problem.
It just fucks things up for you, your children, priests, grandparents.
Chances are, someone's gonna die. Most likely a priest (see the no priest rule).
And whatever you do: Stay out of the attic/basement/under the stairs/big closests.
So, I'm in class. This week we're learning about The Legal Research Process. I'm totally hoping that I can prioritize better than I have for the past two weeks.
I did manage to get both my essays done, and the 2nd test and final exam. The teacher forgave the 1st test, and altered my final and she also gave me an extention on my essay, and I was able to e-mail it in on Sunday.
Still, not much time to relax. But maybe it's better this way, keeps me in check.
Last night, Lauren and Bryn came over and we hung out a little before they left. It was nice, but I was busy regardless, having a shower and getting Liam to bed. Oh, and making my lunch for the next day. I have to be incredibly frugal for the next week. I got my OSAP paper, but I think it takes someting like 6-8 days until it goes through. I'm -really- hoping it's only 6 days.
So, thanks to daycare, I have 10$ until OSAP comes through because Liam's RESP payment went through. I totally forgot about that. Pooh.
So big news: Liam's birthday is tomorrow! 2 years old!!
I can't believe 2 years has gone by. He used to be so tiny. It's totally killing me that he's growing up and isn't my little baby anymore, but I'm really glad he's growing up healthy and happy. I'm happy that I'm able to provide for him to the best of my abilities, and I'm happy that he loves me back.
Tomorrow, we're just having a little party for Liam with Mike, mom, and myself. Nothing fancy.
But Saturday... Oh boy Saturday...
Thanks to Auntie Karen, we've been provided with a wicked party location: her place.
I'm excited that everyone's coming and will be excited to see Liam. I hope he has alot of fun. I'm sure he will; he's an attention whore....only a toddler, and there's nothing whorey about that. Nuh-uh.
So anyways, that's my weekly line-up.
PS: IT'S EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK. JUST A THOUGHT.