May 25th, 2004
|01:12 pm - I wish I could undo that.|
*flashes in to another part of the ship* This--it's my quarters! My...old quarters. I guess I knew where I really wanted to be right now. *sits down at the table in the front room with a sigh*
I suppose it's a good thing that I never had to share a room. It would be hard to explain just popping in like this. *looks around* Packing will be easy. *a little sad* Actually, I don't need to keep any of this. What's the point? Things don't matter anymore when you're a half-Q. When you can recreate anything at will, travel the universe... It all makes mortal life seem so flimsy. *leans on an elbow, looks at the stars for a moment*
I can't believe I walked in on my dad and Dr. Crusher doing that. Oh, I am so... *blushes* No one wants to see their parent doing that. They were practically having um, sex in the turbolift! I feel so bad, and Dad's got to be pretty uncomfort--was that what Q meant? It had to be...right? Q? Q!
Current Mood: embarrassed
April 3rd, 2004
|04:37 am - I am everywhere and no where.|
There is this planet. I don't even care if it's class M or not. I don't suppose it matters anymore. Not much does, really. Everything that I cared about before...changed. Any plans I made have to be viewed from a new perspective now. It's not like I'm not capable of that, but the fact is that I don't even have a choice in the matter...not really. *sitting on a rock, looks up to the dark sky* Can't disappoint them. *draws knees up to her chest, wraps her arms around her legs* What life lies before me now? *whispers* I wonder if Father will even speak to Q again. That will make things more difficult too. And I get to be the person in the middle. *upset* I never imagined--and I thought I had an excellent imagination, too.
*suddenly stands on top of the rock* *shouts* What now? What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to be? I didn't ask to have to live up to your expectations! *quieter again* What if I won't play? What is there for me now? Why does leaving hurt so much? I have so many more questions than answers. *starts to walk down the sloping hillside, climbs up into a twisting tree clinging to the outcropping* This is me. Stubbornly hanging on to the edge of a cliff. *stretchs out mentally* There are people down there, somewhere, in the darkness. I know this. And I don't care.
( lyrics for her state of mindCollapse )
March 1st, 2004
|05:22 am - Oh no this won't help those rumors at all...|
This is so wrong. *shudders*
Current Mood: distressed
January 8th, 2004
|06:35 pm - So, what is *this* supposed to mean?|
Doing some more research into my origins
think I'm obsessed much?, I found this. So, does this mean that I am half human, half mermaid-serpent thing? What the heck does that make my mom? Will the bizarre creature that slept with my father please come forward? And what the heck does this have to do with my hearing people's thoughts?
To bed, I think.
October 19th, 2003
|11:27 am - What now?|
I'm off duty, there is no paperwork laying around for me to catch up on, the place is practically sterile, and I feel incredibly tense from what I just went through. He wants me to be patient. Well, it's hard to be patient! Perhaps a visit to Ten Forward will help me calm my nerves. But first, I think I'll walk a few laps around the ship.
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: nothing
September 25th, 2003
|03:39 pm - It's time to take the plunge.|
I see from g30rd1_laforge's entry that _picard_ and beverlycrusher are back. I have my PADD of evidence that I've collected so far on my parentage (admittedly not as much as I would like), so I think it's time to go to him with what I've found. He should hear it from me first. I'm actually surprised that he hasn't figured it out from this journal system yet. He must not be paying very close attention to all of the entries. Which is a good thing for me.
I'm not looking forward to this at all. To say that I was nervous would be an understatement. I have no idea how he'll react. All of this talk about parents rejecting their kids...it doesn't bode well for me. I want him to like me. I want his approval. The fact that he's also my captain makes it even more complicated.
There is another thing I have to consider. He may already have known about my existence, and decided that he didn't want anything to do with me. He may know who my mother is. He may also not want me to know. *sigh*
I have to get with Dr. Crusher too. There are still more questions to be answered about where I came from. I hope she has better luck than I do. Or maybe she...no. If that was so, why would she give me up? She already has a son. Vash may be lying though, so I will have to check her out more thoroughly.
qjr was right. Q, his dad, is rather...posessive, um, I think, of my father. If he's jealous of my mom, and he has all that power, then he could block me forever from finding anything out. I hope not.
And qjr said I'm hot! Should I ask him if he's interested in a...date? Do I need that on top of everything else?
Current Mood: nervous
September 22nd, 2003
|03:38 pm - That was strange.|
I could have sworn that I had that problem fixed in Engineering yesterday several times. But each time, something odd kept happening to mess things up again. It's like something was purposely thwarting me. That seems funny. Maybe I'm going crazy. It looks like everyone else is. I was getting so...incredibly frustrated by it all, though. I just wanted to...wish it all away. I could almost picture it happening in my mind.
Ok, that's it. I'm definitely going crazy.
September 20th, 2003
|08:48 am - This is how they spend their time?|
Ok, so every day I pull the majority of my shift in Engineering now, working on that odd project. Meaning I'm hanging around the engineers a lot. And, I tell you, they can really gossip. They spend their time speculating about everything and everyone. Naturally the Chief of Engineering comes up a lot. They go on about whether they think his relationship with Commander Data is going well (they got some), or going badly (banished to the outer room).
Yesterday I was trying to ask them something, and a few of them were standing around gossiping about the new Vulcan over in the med labs, and what he was going to do when he hit Pon Farr. Then they moved on to talking, in great detail, about the sex lives of a large section of the crew, not caring that I was standing right there. You'd think they'd be a little more circumspect. I prefer to find out my information first hand, through direct observation. I thought this sort of behavior would be left behind at the academy.
And don't get me started about the way they all walk in on each other, with no thought to privacy. On the holodeck, in their quarters, in their office--everywhere. I guess I never thought about how little privacy you really have in the 24th century, especially on a starship. It just wasn't as big of an issue back home.
And if any of the people around here think I'm going to forget to engage the privacy locks on this ship, they're crazy.
September 18th, 2003
|09:03 am - I love my job.|
And just maybe, if I say that enough, I'll start to believe it. Commander LaForge is really...
pissy diligent. He had us working until late yesterday on that weird project. I don't know if we should really be messing around with this stuff, but I have to admit that it was at least interesting. It would have been nice to get a break, though. I think everyone else in Engineering is avoiding him. And I don't blame them. It must be the mood.
Parent stuff. Hmm. I have been studying the records more closely. Captain Phillipa Louvois is a big possibility. She seems just as uptight as he is. Great. Two captains for parents. Though I'm not positive about anything yet.
Current Mood: blank
September 17th, 2003
|01:11 am - I've never done this before.|
Keep a journal, that is. I felt rather pissed off at my parents and the world in general when it looked like my parentage, and by extension vast parts of my life, were all a lie, but now I'm just numb. I wouldn't believe it if the results weren't there staring up at me. I waited until I felt I could be a little more calm and rational about the whole thing, and then I sent a subspace message off to my "parents" to find out what they had to say about it.
Well, they're ignoring me. I would have expected better of them, but this just really confirms it now, doesn't it? I looked up the captain's public service record to try and see if I could get some clue about what kind of a person he is, but the text doesn't really convey as much...personality as I'd like.
I also thought I might find a clue as to who my mother was, but I should have known that a "public" record wouldn't be much help. There have been certain women listed in his records as having significant interaction with him around the time I would have possibly been conceived, but of course it doesn't say whether or not he had sex with them. I looked them up too, just in case.
As much as I don't want it to, this changes everything. All that my parents told me over the years, the story of my birth, my family history, so many past conversations about things--none of it is true. Why would they do that? Why couldn't they just say that I was adopted? Did they know who my biological parents were? And why won't they talk about it now?
My bio mother. Does she wonder about me at all? Why did she give me up? What circumstances led to my birth? Did she ever tell my father about me? If not, why not? And just who is she? All I have are questions. My father. Does he even know or suspect that I exist? Does he care? Was he part of the whole giving me up thing? What kind of people are these shadowy parents really anyway?
It's all so surreal. What are the odds that I'd end up here on the Federation's flagship, where he is captain, and have him turn out to secretly be my dad? I'll have to tell him when he gets back to the ship, of course. I wonder how he'll react. For some reason, I want to be angry at him too, but I suppose I should give him a chance first. It's not logical. I shouldn't be feeling this way about it all, I guess. But I do. A couple of rounds of killing things on the holodeck just made me feel worse. How annoying.
Current Mood: pessimistic