ballerina

(no subject)

u ppl dont ask y i dont post..i dnt post cuz u ppl dont comment....yes well im posting...and yes well....its hard to rememebr all these blog tings i have...and later ill post more!
ballerina

(no subject)

I WILL NEVER EVER WRITE IN HERE AGAIN IF U PPL DONT COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrr.

  • Current Mood
    FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
ballerina

(no subject)

oHH boy do i ahev some stuff to get out. here it goes...

 

well for the next week or so im living with maya because i cant take it at home. its not that great when ur mom is phscytzofrenic , and ur sister is suicidal, and ur father is out to get the rest of my family, and is girlfriend is friggin frumpy....and i cant take it, no one understands me, and for a few days i just need to be free. maybe i wont even take my medication all week, maybe it will make me feel more free, but i doubt it. ill just have liek an atshma attack or a panic attack or anything in the form of an attack and die. jut great. well, i have too get my mind of things, and get myself away from all my pain, weather its bad, or it hurts me, even if it lasts for just a short while, as long as it take me away , idont care. and i just dunno what im ganna do, oww my arm hurts. shit. and that, love hurts, ya know i Love Johnny, and i alwats have but sometimes i think he doesnt love me the way he used and all he wants to do is use me. but idk, and everytime i kiss him or he holds me, i think of "Oh Ivl used to kiss myt cheek liek that" or something. uggh i cant take it, but the one thing that makes johnny special, is that all he has to is put his arms around me, and im his only, im his girl, and its almost liek his arms and his body against mine takes away all my insecurities and i am untouched, and saved from all the bad in the world. thats what he does for me, and its nice. but i know, he doesnt feel the same way. Last night i had this dream, that at caseys party, when ivL broke up with me, i handled it differently. VERY differently. what i did in my dream is that i asked him if we could just talk alone, without stupi ryan or scott around, and i told ivL i could never lock him in a shed and that i would never do that because, i loved him, ive never fallen so inlove in my life, EVER, almost, that when that day he looked into my eyes i though my heart would sink down to my toes and i would fait, because i couldnt take the pain of knowing i will never get to be in his arms again, and he will never love me the way he did again, and that he will get over me, but i never will get over him.and i talked to him alone, and i told him all of this, he was my very First love, i never thought i would fall inlove with him, or even liek him for that mattter, but out of all the million boyfriends ive ever had, He was my One, and he was my only and then after i told him that he looked me in the eyes and he said "Jaymee, I did, I did love you once", and he walked away and i cried and everyone tried to make me feel better but when my tears were streaming down he looked me in the eyes again, i knew i couldnt take it, and then i woke up.

That dream is not the way i wanted it to go, after i spilled my heart out to him i wanted him to kiss me sweet and soft and tell me that he is inlve with me and he forgives me, for i have accepted my self guilty on all accounts, and we looked at eachother the rest of the night liek we were TRUELY in love, wich we were, hand in hand, together forever, or as long as i could have him. But thats not the way the dream went.

I wish it went that way. the "real thing" shouldve went that way. It was so hard for me because i remember just a few nights before that, Me & Ivl were at hecksure park, it was liek 10:00 pm at nite, and i was being stupid rolling down the hill (it was raing) and he was just sitting there watching me with a smile on his face. I ran up from behind him anddropped down next to him. we were arm in arm & hand in hand and eyes locked on eachother. this moment was perfect, and the day was pure. we layed down cuddling together for a half an hour, just kinda....there...... in the rain. and he kissed me real long, but it was perfect, and i said "i love you" in a really soft, serious voice, and he said "i love you to" even softer, staring at me in the eyes, and i swear every sylable, every sound, ever word, was true, the cold hard truth.   he loved me.and i kissed him again, and we just laid there, wit smiles on our faces, nothing else had  to be said, and nothing else had to be done.

 

   We were Inlove.

 

This may sound not true, but it is, it truely is, and i will neer forget it. but what i dont understand, is how he has, he has forgotten, and he loved me...so i dont understand.

But hes just a boy, and i guess there will be others, but him, especially, was my very first love

 

 

 

 

 

 

I HAVE THE - most - KICK ASS XANGA & XANGA LAYOUT SITE. 

 

if only i could make my LJ that cool....

  • Current Music
    The get Up Kids// campfire Kansas
ballerina

DEAR MOM :

Ive Been Stripped of my Privacy. Ive been Violated, and i dont NOT liek it. at ALL!Yes Mumsie, If you are reading this, in which im Guessing You are, I Just wanted you to know, its not liek i dont wanna tell u things, trust me, i do, im just always so afraid you wont accept it, and ill get in trouble for it. But theres not a thing that goes on in my life i dont tell Brytnee, just to let youi know, and if shes not freeking out over it, theres no reason u should, mom, i know how to take care of myself in a age-appropraite manor, and mom, dont worry, i do less than i should as a 12ish 13 year old kid, if you Knew who iwas, maybe you would know im an amazing person, who could make a room smile, and change a persons perspective on life, and id never do anything to harm myself, or others. EVER. and if i do do something to harm my self, its not that harmful, and i have a reasdon, and mom, id tell you. trust me, im not good at keeping things from u or brytnee for that matter. OK? you said u didnt have my xanga name, but u obviously DO, now this Entry is toyou mom.
ballerina

(no subject)

 OMG TONIGHT IS CASEY'S PARTTY! 

its ganna be awsome! oh man i cant wait. lol. then again, i cant wait untill i leave the party.IvL might break up with me tonight. long story. but all i want is to be with him right now. because, liek, when i first started going out with him i thought to myself "ok this is ganna be one of those things people dared u to do and this barely- relationship is ganna last for a liek a day......" but yea. and as time went on, i feel wierd saying this, but i fell in love with him. when hes not here i want him to be, and when he is i cant be happier...

 

 

im ganna leave it at that...gatta get ready....

  • Current Music
    The fiction we live /&&/ From Autumn to ashes
  • Tags
ballerina

(no subject)

I will hOld you down Fold you in Deep, Deep In the [fiction] we LivEe

 

 

 

                                                         ♥

ballerina

(no subject)

Some Poems Ive written...

 

 

 

 

“The Eyes you see me in”

 

Everything I’ve got

Every word I speak

Every smile I make, from cheek to cheek.

I owe it all to you

As you see me, like you already knew,

That what you where about to do.

To make me feel like quite one of your few.

The beauty that comes between us,

Is your eyes and my soul.

You’re unexplainable

Un exchangeable

Ill take your hand now, and then ill grin,

All because

Of the eyes you see me in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How Many ways You Wish”

 

To take my Gentile Smile,

And to change its expression,

That pretends to take away,

your indiscretion,

How I took a fancy in you,

Just how moons like the night,

And how Day likes the light,

Its not with reason

Its not without doubt.

Its one of those things that you can’t change shit about.

Then to take My gentile smile,

And turn it upside-down

Why precious child,

Its you who does not understand

To fake for someone heart

And to think there are ways,

Ways that do not exist in your eyes

The ways you don’t have,

That make my insides so cold.

So let there be no reasons, just as you wish,

But don’t you cry, precious child,

That your Fake lies,

Begin to crumble and fold.

 

 

You Love Me

 

You Love me

You really really do

Now, Ill say I love you, ok?

Now you say it back.

I Love you, rolls off your lips and falls in the stack,

Of letters, and songs, you’ve written to me,

If Only I could see,

The way you would love me.

The way you loved me, was stabbing a knife in my throat,

And saying my kiss was of a goat

You liar

You cheater

You’re the trick of a joker,

You’re the green of a flower,

You control my thoughts and the words all around me,

You’re the burning sensation of my sugarless tea,

I’m the lock and you are the Key,

Now, open me gently, when you wish,

Remember I have no power over this.

I am Beautiful, in your eyes

Beautifully dealt with,

And

Beautifully thrown away,

So you drove me to insanity,

You MADE ME THIS WAY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Freckles

I remember the time I counted your freckles

I touched your nose.

And you touched mine.

The one in the corner, so light and fine.

The sun shined on our faces

As your eyes looked up, and screamed for mine.

I looked into yours, with every bit of love I had

Your fingers stroked my back, I thought, is this bad?

My hand touched your chest,

No.

This is perfect.

My head curled into your sweet tiny shoulder,

I’m getting colder

You hold my hand and I lay there with you

Yes, I love you,

Yes, you love me too

I leave there with those words on the tip of my lips,

And you believe in it, with a simple kiss.

I fell in love with your soul,

And you fell in love with mine

I can’t wait to count your freckles,

The one in the corner, so light and fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A love conflicted life, handled well

 

I begin to hate you for your face

Not just the things you do

I’ve tried in this case,

To remember you.

Nothing that you pour from your heart is true

To anything or anyone

But you.

I look at this, this piece you’ve created

To realize it wasn’t there,

This is not complicated.

I see it through my clear glass eyes

And look into your screaming ones,

It’s on your face and written in the skies

Lets shoot each other with our love-bullet guns,

Now this is even clearer

Your bitter blood is on just what you hate

On me

Tell me this is something close to fate

You can’t speak exactly

That’s ok, you don’t have to

The streets are blood red

Boom

Crash

Smash

Were DEAD,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An incurable disease,

Is what started all off this

You couldn’t laugh, and I couldn’t breathe.

Your dying of this, its carved in your wrist.

We’ve seen it before all hearts stopped

And all mouths dropped

Tears of brown and hazel, have met each other

But it was Fate, not  the color.

We Are Cured.

We are cured from this disease,

This withdrawal

This time ive spent without you

Before our love grew

And before I found your freckles

Before, they were Brand new

Brand new to me, and my eyes

Brand new to u, and your disguise

Of love for me

Our shells break free and my arms wrap tight around this lock

Before we die of shock,

Because we are cured

We Are Cured.

  • Current Music
    something Corporate && Konstantine <3
ballerina

(no subject)

ugghh this is SIICK no one evr comments on my stuff !!! gosh.... ok well..ahh well my weekend was......wierd. i was at my dads GF house. hes kinda nice i guess. i went to the mall, and was liek, tanning all weekend but i DONT GET TANN i dont even get sunburn!!! grrrr its sSOOO annoying! =( oh well. im tired now. oh well. im not ganna go to sleep cuz i have stupid HW soon, oh shit i have ALOT to do. NOOOOOO!!!!!! >:O now im PISSED OFF! grrrrr, ahh all weekend i missed IvL alot dude.... it seems liek i miss him alot, well, i never missed anyone liek this, cuz he makes me so happy, and i guess thats what counts, beside the fact hes...a certified gangsta? eh . oh well. lol. I will survive. i really do love him tho he makes me soooo happy. i love the way he holds me and kisses me and touces me. i love his presense the way he talkes the way he smells the way he walks (tho...he does walk funny...haha) i do i do i do love him. !! YAY! school sux maadddddd ass. OMG I CANT WAIT TILL SKOOLS OVER OMG!!! its ganna be GRRREAT! were all ganna have partys and hang out FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER <333 this summers ganna be excElLeNt!!! oh man im ganna hang out with you guys, F H S (ly guys forever ohh man..) and my stimpson kids...itl be great. <3 IM TRYING TO FIND LAYOUTS...liek pre-made ones... FOR LIVE JOURNAL ANY IDEAS?????
  • Current Music
    Finch -- 3 simple words <3