I WILL NEVER EVER WRITE IN HERE AGAIN IF U PPL DONT COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oHH boy do i ahev some stuff to get out. here it goes...
well for the next week or so im living with maya because i cant take it at home. its not that great when ur mom is phscytzofrenic , and ur sister is suicidal, and ur father is out to get the rest of my family, and is girlfriend is friggin frumpy....and i cant take it, no one understands me, and for a few days i just need to be free. maybe i wont even take my medication all week, maybe it will make me feel more free, but i doubt it. ill just have liek an atshma attack or a panic attack or anything in the form of an attack and die. jut great. well, i have too get my mind of things, and get myself away from all my pain, weather its bad, or it hurts me, even if it lasts for just a short while, as long as it take me away , idont care. and i just dunno what im ganna do, oww my arm hurts. shit. and that, love hurts, ya know i Love Johnny, and i alwats have but sometimes i think he doesnt love me the way he used and all he wants to do is use me. but idk, and everytime i kiss him or he holds me, i think of "Oh Ivl used to kiss myt cheek liek that" or something. uggh i cant take it, but the one thing that makes johnny special, is that all he has to is put his arms around me, and im his only, im his girl, and its almost liek his arms and his body against mine takes away all my insecurities and i am untouched, and saved from all the bad in the world. thats what he does for me, and its nice. but i know, he doesnt feel the same way. Last night i had this dream, that at caseys party, when ivL broke up with me, i handled it differently. VERY differently. what i did in my dream is that i asked him if we could just talk alone, without stupi ryan or scott around, and i told ivL i could never lock him in a shed and that i would never do that because, i loved him, ive never fallen so inlove in my life, EVER, almost, that when that day he looked into my eyes i though my heart would sink down to my toes and i would fait, because i couldnt take the pain of knowing i will never get to be in his arms again, and he will never love me the way he did again, and that he will get over me, but i never will get over him.and i talked to him alone, and i told him all of this, he was my very First love, i never thought i would fall inlove with him, or even liek him for that mattter, but out of all the million boyfriends ive ever had, He was my One, and he was my only and then after i told him that he looked me in the eyes and he said "Jaymee, I did, I did love you once", and he walked away and i cried and everyone tried to make me feel better but when my tears were streaming down he looked me in the eyes again, i knew i couldnt take it, and then i woke up.
That dream is not the way i wanted it to go, after i spilled my heart out to him i wanted him to kiss me sweet and soft and tell me that he is inlve with me and he forgives me, for i have accepted my self guilty on all accounts, and we looked at eachother the rest of the night liek we were TRUELY in love, wich we were, hand in hand, together forever, or as long as i could have him. But thats not the way the dream went.
I wish it went that way. the "real thing" shouldve went that way. It was so hard for me because i remember just a few nights before that, Me & Ivl were at hecksure park, it was liek 10:00 pm at nite, and i was being stupid rolling down the hill (it was raing) and he was just sitting there watching me with a smile on his face. I ran up from behind him anddropped down next to him. we were arm in arm & hand in hand and eyes locked on eachother. this moment was perfect, and the day was pure. we layed down cuddling together for a half an hour, just kinda....there...... in the rain. and he kissed me real long, but it was perfect, and i said "i love you" in a really soft, serious voice, and he said "i love you to" even softer, staring at me in the eyes, and i swear every sylable, every sound, ever word, was true, the cold hard truth. he loved me.and i kissed him again, and we just laid there, wit smiles on our faces, nothing else had to be said, and nothing else had to be done.
We were Inlove.
This may sound not true, but it is, it truely is, and i will neer forget it. but what i dont understand, is how he has, he has forgotten, and he loved me...so i dont understand.
But hes just a boy, and i guess there will be others, but him, especially, was my very first love
if only i could make my LJ that cool....
&&this is how ive came too be ur darling, misterr prince ♥
OMG TONIGHT IS CASEY'S PARTTY!
its ganna be awsome! oh man i cant wait. lol. then again, i cant wait untill i leave the party.IvL might break up with me tonight. long story. but all i want is to be with him right now. because, liek, when i first started going out with him i thought to myself "ok this is ganna be one of those things people dared u to do and this barely- relationship is ganna last for a liek a day......" but yea. and as time went on, i feel wierd saying this, but i fell in love with him. when hes not here i want him to be, and when he is i cant be happier...
im ganna leave it at that...gatta get ready....
I will hOld you down Fold you in Deep, Deep In the [fiction] we LivEe
Some Poems Ive written...
“The Eyes you see me in”
Everything I’ve got
Every word I speak
Every smile I make, from cheek to cheek.
I owe it all to you
As you see me, like you already knew,
That what you where about to do.
To make me feel like quite one of your few.
The beauty that comes between us,
Is your eyes and my soul.
Of the eyes you see me in.
“How Many ways You Wish”
To take my Gentile Smile,
And to change its expression,
That pretends to take away,
How I took a fancy in you,
Just how moons like the night,
And how Day likes the light,
Its not with reason
Its not without doubt.
Its one of those things that you can’t change shit about.
Then to take My gentile smile,
And turn it upside-down
Why precious child,
Its you who does not understand
To fake for someone heart
And to think there are ways,
Ways that do not exist in your eyes
The ways you don’t have,
That make my insides so cold.
So let there be no reasons, just as you wish,
But don’t you cry, precious child,
That your Fake lies,
Begin to crumble and fold.
You Love Me
You Love me
You really really do
Now you say it back.
I Love you, rolls off your lips and falls in the stack,
Of letters, and songs, you’ve written to me,
If Only I could see,
The way you would love me.
The way you loved me, was stabbing a knife in my throat,
And saying my kiss was of a goat
You’re the trick of a joker,
You’re the green of a flower,
You control my thoughts and the words all around me,
You’re the burning sensation of my sugarless tea,
I’m the lock and you are the Key,
Now, open me gently, when you wish,
Remember I have no power over this.
I am Beautiful, in your eyes
Beautifully dealt with,
Beautifully thrown away,
So you drove me to insanity,
You MADE ME THIS WAY.
I remember the time I counted your freckles
I touched your nose.
And you touched mine.
The one in the corner, so light and fine.
The sun shined on our faces
As your eyes looked up, and screamed for mine.
I looked into yours, with every bit of love I had
Your fingers stroked my back, I thought, is this bad?
My hand touched your chest,
This is perfect.
My head curled into your sweet tiny shoulder,
I’m getting colder
You hold my hand and I lay there with you
Yes, I love you,
Yes, you love me too
I leave there with those words on the tip of my lips,
And you believe in it, with a simple kiss.
I fell in love with your soul,
And you fell in love with mine
I can’t wait to count your freckles,
The one in the corner, so light and fine.
A love conflicted life, handled well
I begin to hate you for your face
Not just the things you do
I’ve tried in this case,
To remember you.
Nothing that you pour from your heart is true
To anything or anyone
I look at this, this piece you’ve created
To realize it wasn’t there,
This is not complicated.
I see it through my clear glass eyes
And look into your screaming ones,
It’s on your face and written in the skies
Lets shoot each other with our love-bullet guns,
Now this is even clearer
Your bitter blood is on just what you hate
Tell me this is something close to fate
You can’t speak exactly
That’s ok, you don’t have to
The streets are blood red
An incurable disease,
Is what started all off this
You couldn’t laugh, and I couldn’t breathe.
Your dying of this, its carved in your wrist.
We’ve seen it before all hearts stopped
And all mouths dropped
Tears of brown and hazel, have met each other
But it was Fate, not the color.
We Are Cured.
We are cured from this disease,
This time ive spent without you
Before our love grew
And before I found your freckles
Before, they were Brand new
Brand new to me, and my eyes
Brand new to u, and your disguise
Of love for me
Our shells break free and my arms wrap tight around this lock
Before we die of shock,
Because we are cured
We Are Cured.
so today was borrriiinnngggg.
nothing special honestly..