The reason I haven't posted is because there hasn't been a lot going on in my life. I stopped going to school before I went to Florida. Then was going to go back, and then was told we might be moving to San Antonio in a few months, so I didn't want to start going and have to uproot and move. And then owe the school money here and have to pay it back if I ever wanted to go back to the college there. Well that came and went and we are still here. Now that added a bit to the depression because I wanted to hurry and finish. I have like 5 classes left. I was going to take 3 on semester and then something like a May Mini where you go everyday but for a longer time and you get those classes done in one month. Yay me or so I thought. Then I decided okay screw it, I will just take a two month course of getting a certificate that is better than nothing. Again we were told "anyday we can have you out there to move." So that added to the depression for the reason I didn't want to be uprooted and spend a $1000.00 and well be out of the money and nothing to show for it. So really who wants to post that "I washed clothes, cooked dinner, and did the dishes today?" Then the next day add to the list of cleaning house and running errands. Hell that would get old so fast and boring, so this is why no posting has been done.
My year so far has been a major shitter. My favorite uncle died in Feb. I met him a few times and he was always so sweet and kind. We always shared holidays cards. He left home when he was 17 and took his young bride away from Ky and moved to Indiana and started a life and I don't think he really ever came back. I met him when I was 12 or 13 but the way we moved all the time, we didn't get to see him a lot, but he always stayed in contact through the years. He was going to come to moms funeral and got sick so he didn't get to. And of course mom's sisters got a bug up their ass because they are just that type. He never had much contact with them. And they wondered why. Hell I don't talk to them, well I did talk to Wow. I haven't posted in a few months. There is a reason for it. And in those few months only two removed me. Which trust me I don't mind. It actually saved me the trouble of having to do it myself and I knew if I d id . I have been reading entries just not posting on a lot of them. I have always been like that. I thank everyone for not removing me.
I am going to Dallas this weekend and I can tell it's not going to be a fun trip. More like finding out things I don't want to know about or well some of it anyway. Jason's dad was at work Monday and was saying he couldn't breathe and his brother took him to the hospital, seems his dad had a heart attack, but they also ran a cat scan and an X Ray on him and found out he had masses on his liver, lungs, lymph nodes, and adrenal glands. Even with no biopsies done yet the doctors are saying its cancer and its spreading. They don't know if it's the fast spreading kind or what yet. Then we are going to see his grandfather. This man is what Texas is to me. The quiet, blunt, and just when he walks in a room you respect him right off the bat type of man. Now he don't know any of us. He can't talk hardly anymore and he can't walk anymore. And he can't use the bathroom anymore on his own. So yep this is going to be a depressing trip.
Jason is a man who is very stubborn when it comes to sharing how he feels. I love him but he won't open up at any time and if he does it is so rare that you have to stop and think wow did he just share. But we were coming home from the store and he said out of the blue "I know now why you get mad when you see an older person with their parents, because I should still have 30 years with my dad." I didn't say nothing. I just let him talk. I don't get mad I just get hurt because I never thought at the age of 27 I would see my mom be buried. Then at the age of 30 I never dreamed that I would lose my father.
I know when I get back I am so paying for my lj time and getting Risa some images our favorite man. Because the layout I am using now sucks ass and I have been meaning to get her to do this forever and a year. But most of her she is mega talented. And I know she won't mind the images I am going to be sending her.
I guess that sums everything up so far. I think. If not I will post more. I know when I get home I will be posting about this trip. Oh and how a little boy named Michael not only stole my heart but Jason's heart as well.
I feel so damaged like I'm not good enoug fo anything good.
That if real love does exis it’s not fo me.
I just feel like I'm not destine fo love and happiness.
That at one time mayb and somehow that momen lef and all that remain is a shell of a human.
That has a broken heart wit lots of bandage covering it.
Yet it still beats just the same and has the same ache that others have.
That maybe one day I shall get that same kind of love that everyone talks about.
Though a part of me feels that it’s not for all of us and maybe I'm one of those that
isn't so lucky or blessed to receive it.
But then out of their like a beacon in the darkness it’s like bam that feeling of where your heart
just says wow this might be it because there is something there and you can't deny it or fight it.
Funny how your mind and heart play tricks on you and allow you to believe such lies and you fall for
it every fucking time.
And then you are left feeling your heart hurt.
And you are so mad because it did it again,
it mislead you, it betrayed you.
You want to rip that mother fucker out and you can't.
There's nothing you can do but put on your happy face so others can't see your pain.
And all you want to do is run scream and beg for someone to take this away from you.
You know deep down they can't because you're in your own hell
and not one person cares.
And you want to claw every feeling you have in you out
you want, that pain that is so deep in you, you want it out.
And you don't care how you get it out as long as it’s out of you.
So back to shell you go protecting everything you hold dear to you.
But this time you go back deeper than you did the last time.
God I am so stressed that I so want to cry. I have never wanted to drop out of school like I do right now! I want to say fuck it and not go back till next semester. I so can't handle it anymore. Pharmacology and medical terminology are kicking my ass. If I don't pass them then I can kiss clinicals goodbye this summer. Coding used to be fun. Now it's down right horrid. I was supposed to go to Clayton's yesterday for help and ended up with a migraine. And then today he was busy and I have a ton of homework to do that I don't know much about. I don't know what happened. I mean there for a while I was doing so well and then all of a sudden it got tithe point that I don't know what I'm doing. I told Jason that I should go back to criminal justice and then go for my bachelors degree. But to be honest I am so fucking tired of going to school. I think if I get lucky to get 5 c's in all my classes then I just might take a semester off. This shit is killing me. Jason knows I want to drop out for a semester but I know he would be disappointed in me and probably even think bad of me. This just sucks major donkey dicks. I feel if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Ugh!! I just want to sit here and fucking cry!
What is the point in making anything work when it's just one person willing to do it all? How can one person be so fucking selfish? I know Jason likes to have his Fridays after work with his friends but, when you have things to do shouldn't that be more important than drinking and bitching over the same shit every time they get together? He needed to pick up my medicine before the pharmacy closed. Help me with the router since the storm last night messed it up and a few other things. Yeah I could do most of it if I had my car!!! Since we are down to one car it makes it hard for me to go here or there till he gets off work. I swear I need to stop having faith in him. This isn't the first time he's done this shit. I don't mind that he stays and drinks or does whatever they do but hell is it to much to ask for sometimes to get your shit together when somethings like say your wife needs you? I ended up hanging up on him cause he was going to stay longer. Now I just declined his call. I don't want to hear his shit about how they were talking about this or that. I don't care what they talk about. I maybe wrong to feel like this but heck I'm always doing this or that for him and yet get nothing in return. I swear I should have not got in a hurry all the times I had to go pick him up from work. In a bit I won't be so mad just had to blow off some steam!!!!!
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ke5egi venting jem_endured_fit raisemeuplord forestgreenivy angeljuggalette