Holic nya

Ewan McGregor rules my life !!!

Another layout already, as you can see. I quite liked the one with Hayden, especially the little Tart Vader, but I knew that I was more a Ewan fan than a Hayden one. Since I saw "Moulin Rouge !" I was completely mesmerized by his play as an actor, but also by his vocal performance that is beyond amazing and not to forget that he's simply gorgeous, with his clear blue eyes and his shining smile...! And then I also saw Brassed Off (Les Virtuoses) in class and it confirmed my thought about Ewan's real talent. I was really really happy to discover his presence in the Star Wars prequels, he really made a good team with Liam Neeson in The Phantom Menace as a young and energetic padawan. But I was eager to see him in a more mature role, a role in which he would be the center of any attention. And I got it the day I saw Big Fish. The story is quite wonderful, with Tim Burton directing it's not very surprising, but Ewan's very presence gives a special atmosphere about this film...I wouldn't be able to explain it in another way that he really gives life to the character he's playing, no matter how surreal this character seems.
Lately, with my Star Wars phase that doesn't seem to come to an end, I wanted to learn more about this actor, and I must admit that the more I learned about him, the more I got attached to him. He simply is a fascinating person by himself. Well the paradox is that he's incredibly simple, in spite of everything he's living. I mean, he is famous, known all around the world. He appeared in a saga that is adored and considered as a legend by millions of people, plays with the most famous actors and actresses of this century...And well, he's a very very attractive man, which helps a lot when you're making the cover of thousands of magazines. And in spite it all he's the total contrary of these "Hollywood Stars" that are making a fuss about anything. He cares very little about his image -sincerely, he's the first actor I see that curses so much while speaking - he just seems to consider all this as a game...! And well that's what makes him be all the more charming to me...He drinks, smokes, talks freely about sex, jokes a lot and easily about himself, well he doesn't seem to take himself seriously and that's what I admire most, I think. In this society of appearances, there are still some people who dare to be "true"...it's something I wish I would have the courage to do too...
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    bouncy bouncy
Holic nya

Somewhere I'm still dreaming

The good thing about homework and exams is that you don't see time passing by. The bad thing about all this stuff is that you have no time for you. I'm wondering when was the last time I was able to spend a moment with Him without thinking about some work to do...seems to be a long time ago.

I'm feeling quite empty, paradoxically. I've got a lot of things to do, no time for me, but I'm feeling like...exhausted...No, just empty. It's like I have no need, no liking for doing anything even if I've got a lot of projects, no energy...I don't feel sad nor happy...Just a little tired...emotionnally tired perharps...tired of being strong in front of my father when he's still angry at me, in front of my mother who's overbooked with her worries at work, tired in front of myself too...tired of trying to persuade myself that I still have a chance to graduate to 2nd year and to tell myself that everything is going to be alright.

Tomorrow is shopping day, and I look forward to it. I've always lost myself in these type of things when I didn't feel good, because it made me think about less complicated and more beautiful things.

I think I'm gonna change this layout, it sucks...but LJ code is so difficult to manage ! ...We'll see.


[Edit] Here we are. Someting different, pretty and cheerful. Hayden Christensen, the actor who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars Trilogy Prequels. And er...a Mister Potatoe with him, dressed like Darth Vader...Isn't it so cuuute ?? *giggle*
  • Current Music
    Maroon 5 - Woman
Holic nya

And through it all...

He still loves me. I can't believe he still can...! After everything I said to him last night, how the hell can he still feel something beside hatred and disgust for me ?!?!?

Everything started by a silly argument about the movie Star Wars Episode III - The Revenge Of The Sith and then it was out of control. I wouldn't even have remembered all the things that I've said if there hasn't been a record of the conversation. (very useful function of MSN, I must say) I was horrified by all these words...And the worst of all is that I can't say whether I wasn't meaning them when I wrote. I mean, they must come from somewhere, anywhere, but I must have thought them in some way. And that's what scares me most.

The other thing being that it's the second time that I've actually wanted to hurt him...Badly. And what if each time that I'm in such a state, I want to hurt him more and more ? Until when will he stand it ?
That's why I wanted it all to end. At this moment, I wasn't even sure of my feelings for him. Truly, how can you still love someone if you hurt him like that and without even spill a single tear on your horrors ? And worse, how can you take pleasure in seeing him suffer ? Imagining it was all because you "like" being "in control", in a way you wanted to be reassured, to know that all this story, these feelings weren't going to take control over you...I think...That's why I wanted to finish all this, once and for all. At the moment I really wanted it, because I didn't care anymore if I loved him or not. I wanted him to hate me, to really have loathe for me, to make the separation less difficult. Perharps or certainly he was going to suffer, but then it would be temporarly. But if we stayed together, I feared that I'd start again my crisis, and make him suffer a dozen times at least more than if we'd broken up. And there's the paradox, I love him enough to want him gone. For his own good...

God how I hate myself...

The day after I was dreading seeing him again, and I was relieved to see that he hadn't come to school...I didn't know if I could apologize yet or not. I'm too proud, and the worst, I'm proud of being too proud so I don't do anything against it. I think that I was completely resigned to be single again or I hadn't completely realised what was going on...The fact is that I was thinking...if I'd really realised what I had lost, I would have broken in tears or I don't know what, but nothing happened. So once again, does it show that I don't love him, or that I'm too thick not to realise quickly enough my mistakes ?!

So many questions...I don't deserve him, his love and everything that he does for me. And even now that he came toward me to apologize (you hear it ?! It's him who made the first step and even apologize !!), I can't help but having doubts. He said to me that this argument made him realise how much I counted for him. But me...it only made me ask myself more questions, for which I can't find any answer. Only one thing, perharps, it's how dearly I consider him in my heart...If not, how come that I can make me suffer like that ?
  • Current Music
    Radiohead - Street Spirit
Holic nya

Mixture of tears and smiles

This week was tough, emotionnally speaking. But I survived, once more...

Sunday I wanted to break everything around me, myself, to start with. I even thought about breaking up with Him. Because I was so scared, and paradoxically because I loved him so much...I didn't want to hurt him and I don't know what I'm capable of in these moments, so I wanted to protect him from me, in a way. But in the other hand...Somewhere I can't help thinking that it was an excuse...that there was something else. I was mean and malicious, I wanted him to be irritated, to yell at me, just because I was telling myself I wanted to know this part of shadow there was in him. But now that I think about it...I think that I wanted to prove myself he wasn't so perfect than I thought...I'm feeling so stupid next to him each time, I wonder what's he's doing with me and he's so loving, caring, funny, tender and I'm such a crap...! So well I guess it was an egoistic way to reassure myself...

Monday we talked and cried, and I never felt so well after that. Everything was clear, I was reassured, I didn't fear anything anymore...The day before I was thinking I could hate him for loving me, because how could you love someone who loves something you hate, and in this case, this thing being yourself ?? But I realised that if he loved me that much, perharps he could teach me how to love myself...that if someone like him could like someone like me, then perharps there was something "loveable" about me...

Wednesday here I was, crying again, breaking down because of my parents. My parents who don't seem to be happy to see that their daughter had finally ceased being depressed. My parents who only see their own problems, about job, about their relationship that doesn't exist anymore even if they don't want to realize it. And so if they're not happy, they don't want me to be happy as well. They call me ungrateful, they say that I'm only thinking about hanging out with my "new friends", that I have a home so stay in and a family to talk with. But can you still call home and family somewhere and something that only inspires hatred, arguments and tears ? They say I shouldn't flee these difficulties, because I'm their only reason to fight their problems. But do they think that I asked for this ? This isn't my problem, why should I be included into it ? I didn't ask them to quarrel nor to ignore each other, why should I make any efforts to speak with them and try to restick what they broke ? I already did my best and it didn't work. Now I'm tired of it and I want to make my own life, so why don't they just let me free, if they love me as much as they say ?!?

Thursday, I fell asleep during class and my teacher told me "when we don't stand parties at night, we do not party" and I thought I was going to murder him. I felt my eyes burning and I thought I was going to cry again, but after the night I had I didn't have any tear left and what was the point in crying in front of all these people that I despised above all ? So I held back and breathed...breathed...

And I spent this night with him and it was the best thing that could have happened to cheer me up. He asked me again if I had thought of what he proposed to me, and I looked to the ceiling, here in this bed, in his arms, I remembered my parents' words, the tears that I shared because of them, and those that I shared with him, and I knew the answer would definitely be "yes"...
  • Current Music
    Keren Ann - Not Going Anywhere
Holic nya

Dear Merlin...

He asked me to come to live with him...seriously...
At first I thought it was a joke, like each time he wants to scare me...but it wasn't...well the first time he said this to me, he said afterwards that it was a joke...but the day after he said that he was serious, he just got a little bit scared and retracted at the last minute. Yesterday he told me this again. And what came next was the most beautiful, touching, moving declaration I've ever heard.

"Come and stay with me...This time it's not a joke. I'm not asking you to come and live with me immediately, tomorrow, but just to think about it. Listen, I know it's a bit early, but I don't know...there will certainly be some arguments for nothing, moments when there will be nothing left to say, when we wouldn't want to speak to each other anymore...I don't promise you heaven...but I promise you that it will be worthy...I know what it represents in matter of engagement...and you know that I'm afraid above all of engagement...But I don't know, with you it's different...I have just the impression that you're "the one" and I don't want to lose the occasion...I know it's a little bit early to talk about it, but sometimes, you just simply "know"..."

Yes it's a little bit early...but in the other hand when I think about it -and trust me for having done it a lot lately- I can perfectly picture us together...I mean it's not a kind of teenager's fantasy, it's serious, even if we're still quite yound, we're not children anymore. I wonder if everything is always as perfect at the beginning of a relationship as it is for our's. Imagine that we're making a mistake ? Imagine that we've been too far in our fantasies, that we're exaggerating our feelings, like a sort of fairytale, a story "à l'eau de rose". What if everything falls apart and makes us realise we were mistaken ? What if...what if we weren't meant to be together ?
I mean, it's easy to see the marvellous part of all this. Wake up by his side, drink our coffees in the morning together, smile, even if we know we're already late for class. Have dinner together in front of a bad american movie and go to bed to finally fall asleep in his arms, not wanting to ever let go this feeling of pure bliss...
But beyond all this...I can't help but being scared. Everything's happening so quickly, so suddenly...It has not even been a month since the beginning of our relationship and today I still have difficulty realising what I'm living. I mean, I think I'm sort of dreaming all awake, all of this just can't be true...! It's so...surreal...!

And yet I ask for nothing beside believing in it...believing in us...

  • Current Music
    Telepopmusik - Breathe
Holic nya

Come What May....

It's been 3 weeks since the beginning of my relationship with him. I don't see how much time pass quickly, it's astounding and completely new to me. Now I can definitively say it, I'm in love with him. I love him. So much in fact, that I have the impression that my heart is going to explode. Yet everyday I find out I love him more than the previous day. And everyday I tell myself, it is impossible to love him more than I already does and yet, the day after, here I am, with this feeling growing inside myself...Sweet pain, painful sweetness...
I'm wondering how I did to live without him by my side...Each time we part, I feel this pang in my chest, and it hurts so much, how the hell did I survive before knowing him ?!?
Everyday, today and tomorrow, I want to give him the best of me, everything of me...Sounds pitiful...but I can't help...
  • Current Music
    Joe Hisaishi - Jinsei no Merry Go Round
Holic nya

...

I was just wondering...I visited some blogs, and they are all the same, talking about their pain, their difficulties in life, the fact that they are bored, the fear that they won't make anything of their life...
It's quite scaring isn't it ? So many young people, they haven't even finished their schooling and yet, they don't have any hope for the future. No dreams, no illusions, no projects...They are all aware that the society is cruel, that life is a gift but also a fight for everyday. And they don't wanna fight. Fight for what ? Fight for an ideal life, with a home, a family and a dog running in the garden ? Fight for success, money, travels, and countless sexual affairs ? But it doesn't exist anymore, you only see that in movies. Today, you have to deal with the family, and the countless sexual affairs during your travels, and it doesn't obviously mean that you'll have the money.

Everything today, is just a matter of power. You don't have power, so you don't have a proper social status, so you don't have money nor respect. You're nothing. You don't matter to the society. We are so many, how on earth could you make a difference ? And supposing you have power, does that mean you're happy ? Of course not. And yet, imagining you're happy, you have succeed in having a nice wife/husband, two children and dog with garden, but that you're a total anonymity to the eye of the world, could you say that you're life had not been meaningless ? Of course, you make the happiness of your family, but everyone, one day, dies, and so your family. And no one will remember you anymore. So my question is, knowing that, these young people, having been nourished with romantic and imposing ideas from movies and medias all along their childhood, how can they see a point in living ? If it's not for beeing recognized, not for becoming famous, what else can they do ?
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    moody moody
Holic nya

And then...

Everything changed. I don't know how the "I-actually-quite-enjoy-going-to-school" stuff developed into "I-love-going-to-school-coz'-I'll-see-my-Bfriend-there." Everything changed so quickly ! One day you'll be working on a very boring assigment about the laws in a company with a classmate, and the other, here you are, going out with him ! It's true that we knew each other since the beginning of the year, but I would have never, never thought of going out with him ! Life's weird sometimes, isn't it ?
Tomorrow will be a week since the beginning of our relationship, but I have the impression that it makes at least a month. Good impression or not ?
It's true that this week has been vacations, so we haven't seen each other except once. Perharps that's why time doesn't seem to pass quickly...I miss him so much.

I wonder how it happened...I was known for not wanting a relationship, I said that it was a freedom-killer, and everyone knew that Bridget Jones was somehow my guru. Even him knew it, and was afraid to be rejected because of that. So why did I yield ? Does it mean that I love him ?

Anyway, how do you know that you love someone ? Is there any precise definition of Love ? Why do you have to engage yourself in a relationship to realise that it will be a failure ? Isn't there a way of knowing it before being hurt ? And if you daren't do it, how do you know that you have done the wrong choice that you'll regret for the rest of your life ?

He said to me not to worry about all this stuff, just to live the present instant without asking myself too many questions. I guess he's right after all, everything that I'll do is to spoil these precious moments with him. But somewhere, I know I just can't prevent myself from having doubts...
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    Whitey - Non Stop
Holic nya

A new beginning

I have decided to convert this LJ into an english journal, after the failure of the RPG it was first destined to be.
I already have a french blog, but I wanted to write in english. I know I still make a lot of mistakes, but well, it's a good way to improve myself !
Moreover, it would be a good way to discover this great tool that is LJ. So many people use it around me, I wanted to try it too.

Anyway...
Nice day today, the sun shines (almost) and everything's alright. First day since the beginning of school term that I actually enjoy going to class. Don't know why, since the beginning, I've always hated these people, they are so hypocrites, laughing when they are altogether and despising everyone after. But well, somehow, I actually enjoyed being with some of them. There are a few who are fun to hang out with, just to spend the time between each class. It makes my everyday less tough, I think.
  • Current Music
    Daft Punk - Human After All