July 15th, 2005

Holic nya

Lonely, lonely

I think I've never felt so lonely. It's not the kind of loneliness like you're seeing no one, talking to no one and all, but this kind where you feel alone even when the place is crowded around you. And it's like you're screaming and screaming your helplessness but no one's hearing you. And that's worse than any average feeling of loneliness.
Some time ago I'd have fallen into depression, enclosing myself into a world of mine, not bearing the real one anymore. But today I've realised that my reaction changed. I keep smiling, singing, living, laughing, and no one notice my despair. But only because I'd have wanted them not to notice, not because I've tried to tell them and they didn't hear a damn thing. Now, I'm in control.

So even if I pretend being part of the 'real' life, I don't know if I'm still anymore. Everyday I have this growing impression that it's less and less myself that's living in this body. It's more as if it was just an act and that's my part was taking more and more control over the real me...I don't know how to express it in a more appropriate way...Still, lately I can't help feeling completely empty despite everything I'm involved in. I have the impression of being an outsider and watching someone who looks like me, talks and walks like me, interacting with my friends, lover and family, but who's not me...

Or perharps its another excuse, a masquarade to hide the fact that I don't want to acknowledge this growing hatred for my father. I don't want to think that it's really me who's hating my father. The real me can't do that, can he ? He can't feel this horrible burning anger each time we meet and part without a single word, can he ? Can he ?
  • Current Music
    Al Green - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart