July 8th, 2005

Holic nya

No es amor, es un obseción

I think I'm on the edge of breaking down. I may seem strong, cheerful, lively and far from being depressed, but I start to think I am. I am the only person left with whom I can be myself. Honestly, take away my momentarly "passion" for Ewan McGregor, my job which takes 14h of my time daily and the few moments I offer myself to the cinema or shopping with my cousin, and you'll have nothing left. I talk no more to my father, easy I don't see him anymore. In the morning I go to work with my mother and he's already gone, in the evening he's already asleep when I come back. And I'm glad it works this way. He told mum and I he was going to leave the house, but I'm under the impression that before, he wants to be assured that my life's a living hell before leaving. And I'm currently hating myself for having such thoughts, for hating my father...

But most of all, I'm feeling very guilty for forsaking my boyfriend. We're both very busy with our lives, but he's making all the efforts he can so that we can see each other, and each time I decline his offer. I may sound completely distant to him and I know it hurts him in some way, but it's my own way for not suffering from his absence. I want him badly by my side especially in such moment, but I can't, so I'm resigned and "the show must go on". I put my feelings on the back of my mind, I have enough to cope with at the moment I think. My reasoning must sound inhuman, even to me, but it's quite a "self-protecting" reflex...

Until recently...well, I reckon I should start the story from the beginning. There's a young man who works at the same place as me (my grand-father's supermarket) and he's also my father's friend's son. So I knew him already, but this work allowed me to actually learn more about him and well, I don't lie by admitting that I quite appreciate him. Moreover, he's quite handsome and well, he's a nice guy, funny and caring... my cousin (5 years younger than me) told me tonight, while we were all dining that he kept looking at me, and I felt myself blushing at this idea...So, it would be very easy to yield, with the one I love far away from me, and this feeling of loneliness that's growing everyday a little more...But no of course, and I've just realised the strongness of this thought : I deeply and sincerely, unconditionally and madly love my boyfriend, and it is absolutely out of question of putting my feelings for him in doubt...But I can't keep myself from wondering why I need theses kind of things to realise that ? And the worst is that it's not the first time that I realise such a thing, it's like I'd constantly need something to remind it to me...!
  • Current Mood
    tired tired