May 20th, 2005

Holic nya

And through it all...

He still loves me. I can't believe he still can...! After everything I said to him last night, how the hell can he still feel something beside hatred and disgust for me ?!?!?

Everything started by a silly argument about the movie Star Wars Episode III - The Revenge Of The Sith and then it was out of control. I wouldn't even have remembered all the things that I've said if there hasn't been a record of the conversation. (very useful function of MSN, I must say) I was horrified by all these words...And the worst of all is that I can't say whether I wasn't meaning them when I wrote. I mean, they must come from somewhere, anywhere, but I must have thought them in some way. And that's what scares me most.

The other thing being that it's the second time that I've actually wanted to hurt him...Badly. And what if each time that I'm in such a state, I want to hurt him more and more ? Until when will he stand it ?
That's why I wanted it all to end. At this moment, I wasn't even sure of my feelings for him. Truly, how can you still love someone if you hurt him like that and without even spill a single tear on your horrors ? And worse, how can you take pleasure in seeing him suffer ? Imagining it was all because you "like" being "in control", in a way you wanted to be reassured, to know that all this story, these feelings weren't going to take control over you...I think...That's why I wanted to finish all this, once and for all. At the moment I really wanted it, because I didn't care anymore if I loved him or not. I wanted him to hate me, to really have loathe for me, to make the separation less difficult. Perharps or certainly he was going to suffer, but then it would be temporarly. But if we stayed together, I feared that I'd start again my crisis, and make him suffer a dozen times at least more than if we'd broken up. And there's the paradox, I love him enough to want him gone. For his own good...

God how I hate myself...

The day after I was dreading seeing him again, and I was relieved to see that he hadn't come to school...I didn't know if I could apologize yet or not. I'm too proud, and the worst, I'm proud of being too proud so I don't do anything against it. I think that I was completely resigned to be single again or I hadn't completely realised what was going on...The fact is that I was thinking...if I'd really realised what I had lost, I would have broken in tears or I don't know what, but nothing happened. So once again, does it show that I don't love him, or that I'm too thick not to realise quickly enough my mistakes ?!

So many questions...I don't deserve him, his love and everything that he does for me. And even now that he came toward me to apologize (you hear it ?! It's him who made the first step and even apologize !!), I can't help but having doubts. He said to me that this argument made him realise how much I counted for him. But only made me ask myself more questions, for which I can't find any answer. Only one thing, perharps, it's how dearly I consider him in my heart...If not, how come that I can make me suffer like that ?
  • Current Music
    Radiohead - Street Spirit