Anya (_lovegood) wrote,
Anya
_lovegood

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Mixture of tears and smiles

This week was tough, emotionnally speaking. But I survived, once more...

Sunday I wanted to break everything around me, myself, to start with. I even thought about breaking up with Him. Because I was so scared, and paradoxically because I loved him so much...I didn't want to hurt him and I don't know what I'm capable of in these moments, so I wanted to protect him from me, in a way. But in the other hand...Somewhere I can't help thinking that it was an excuse...that there was something else. I was mean and malicious, I wanted him to be irritated, to yell at me, just because I was telling myself I wanted to know this part of shadow there was in him. But now that I think about it...I think that I wanted to prove myself he wasn't so perfect than I thought...I'm feeling so stupid next to him each time, I wonder what's he's doing with me and he's so loving, caring, funny, tender and I'm such a crap...! So well I guess it was an egoistic way to reassure myself...

Monday we talked and cried, and I never felt so well after that. Everything was clear, I was reassured, I didn't fear anything anymore...The day before I was thinking I could hate him for loving me, because how could you love someone who loves something you hate, and in this case, this thing being yourself ?? But I realised that if he loved me that much, perharps he could teach me how to love myself...that if someone like him could like someone like me, then perharps there was something "loveable" about me...

Wednesday here I was, crying again, breaking down because of my parents. My parents who don't seem to be happy to see that their daughter had finally ceased being depressed. My parents who only see their own problems, about job, about their relationship that doesn't exist anymore even if they don't want to realize it. And so if they're not happy, they don't want me to be happy as well. They call me ungrateful, they say that I'm only thinking about hanging out with my "new friends", that I have a home so stay in and a family to talk with. But can you still call home and family somewhere and something that only inspires hatred, arguments and tears ? They say I shouldn't flee these difficulties, because I'm their only reason to fight their problems. But do they think that I asked for this ? This isn't my problem, why should I be included into it ? I didn't ask them to quarrel nor to ignore each other, why should I make any efforts to speak with them and try to restick what they broke ? I already did my best and it didn't work. Now I'm tired of it and I want to make my own life, so why don't they just let me free, if they love me as much as they say ?!?

Thursday, I fell asleep during class and my teacher told me "when we don't stand parties at night, we do not party" and I thought I was going to murder him. I felt my eyes burning and I thought I was going to cry again, but after the night I had I didn't have any tear left and what was the point in crying in front of all these people that I despised above all ? So I held back and breathed...breathed...

And I spent this night with him and it was the best thing that could have happened to cheer me up. He asked me again if I had thought of what he proposed to me, and I looked to the ceiling, here in this bed, in his arms, I remembered my parents' words, the tears that I shared because of them, and those that I shared with him, and I knew the answer would definitely be "yes"...
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