A wish is a dream the heart makes

Well as you can notice (for those who still stumble accross this LJ) I made a new layout for this LJ. Nothing revolutionnary, as I suck with LJ coding, but I changed the image nevertheless. Features some of my favourite actors : Pierce Brosnan, worldwide known as James Bond of course, Ewan McGregor of course, Joaquin Phoenix, recently (re)discovered with his awesome role as Johnny Cash in "Walk the Line" and Sean sexy Bean, bad evil scientist in "The Island" and devoted husband in "North Country" (L'affaire Josey Aimes) and "Silent Hill". All with a cigarette, because smoking men are love.


Anyway, nothing new. Life goes on quite smoothly, a little boring but I'm not complaining. The sun is shining and my life is full of projects. For the first time since a long time, I'm very peaceful. I feel whole and complete. I'm happy.

Well I was coming here with the clear intention of writing something, but now that I'm here, I can't remember what I wanted to say XD
It must be this yearning for this something I can't put my finger on. Lately, I've been craving for something, but I can't say what, and it's very frustrating. I want to write, to talk, to express myself, but I have nothing to talk about, I just want to babble about anything and nothing. There were some days where I said nothing because I had no one to talk with, and lately, as it's the holidays, I met my friends on many occasions last week. It was weird, at first, being surrounded by people, laughing with them, being asked how you were, feeling cared. But Force, how I felt warm, loved, fuzzy inside, happy...! It was pure bliss, just being there, seated on this café terrasse in the warm spring sun, with the people I love and care. I had almost forgotten this feeling. I was used to being alone, only counting on myself, shielding myself from the others, because everything I received was hurt. There's nothing better than friends, real and close ones, to rebuild one's self confidence. So I decided to put all my trust in them, trust them for making me love people again. So that I can, one day, be able to love someone again.

It's been quite a time since the last post. I'm not sure anyone's still coming here, but it will be for the best I think. I need a proper place where I can write without censoring myself because of some people.
Well it's not the case here, as I snapped something from Eowynangel's LJ. Here you go. It was supposed to be applied to only a specific fandom, but as I'm bored to no words, I'll make it for 3.

Harry Potter
1. The first character I first fell in love with : duh, Harry of course. Always falling for the hero :p
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now : Snape I think, even after the awfulness of the sixth book. Ginny, too.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don't : Ron perharps ? He gets on my nerves sometimes. Sirius too, sometimes
4. The character I love that everyone else hates : Lucius rules. Evil has never looked so good. Ha, now I should say Snape too !
5. The character I used to love but don't any longer : Dumbledore, partly because I think he's a sadistic and senile old man.
6. The character I would shag : This sexy-sinful man that is Lucius Malfoy.
7. The character I'd want to be like : Ginny, she rocks ! And Luna.
8. The character I'd slap : Malfoy Junior at the beginning, now he kind of moved me in the sixth book. But Umbridge is still the top one. And Harry in the fifth.
9. A pairing that I love : I'm a slash addict so HP/DM or HP/SS for me...but I wouldn't mind some Severus/Lily or Harry/Luna, this kind of things
10. A pairing that I despise : Ron/Hermione. Enough said.

Star Wars
1. The first character I first fell in love with : I never get the chance to watch the original trilogy before the prequel. So obviously I fell for little padawan Obi.
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now : Qui-Gon. I pity him. Perharps Darth too, now that I understand him more.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don't : Eeer...Anakin ? Despite his look that does'nt hurt the eyes.
4. The character I love that everyone else hates : I loooove Maul. Even if he was completely useless and killed Qui-Gon, I think he rocks.
5. The character I used to love but don't any longer : Anakin. Such a pity to spoil such a gorgeous body with this childish and selfish mind !
6. The character I would shag : Obi-Wan Kenobi. Padawan, Knight, Master.
7. The character I'd want to be like : Leia. Always on the move and devoted to her cause.
8. The character I'd slap : Anakin junior, Padawan Anakin, Knight Anakin...it's not to mention Jar-Jar, that I'd be delighted to slaughter.
9. A pairing that I love : Well strangely enough, I love Ani/Obi 'cause Anakin is always better in slashes. But Obi/Padmé is quite good too.
10. A pairing that I despise : Duh, Ani/Padmé....so cliché and ridiculous.

Celebrities
1. The first person I first fell in love with : As far as my memory can recall, I think it's Dean Cain I had my first crush on. The one who played in the TV show "Lois & Clark: the new adventures of Superman"
2. The person I never expected to love as much as I do now : Well, Ewan obviously.
3. The person everyone else loves that I don't : Matt Damon. And Mell Gibson.
4. The person I love that everyone else hates : "Hates" would be a little too hard. I don't know, Jim Carrey ?
5. The person I used to love but don't any longer : I used to like Catherine Zeta-Jones very much. But not anymore, for no specific reason.
6. The person I would shag : Duh Ewan at first. And again and again XD
7. The person I'd want to be like : Sarah Jessica Parker. And Nicole Kidman
8. The person I'd slap : Paris Hilton and co.
9. A couple that I love : I'm in love with the little McGregor family.
10. A couple that I despise : Brad/Angelina

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm" You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone... Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-) You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear. Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing. The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person. Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life. You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face. Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

Here I am again...it's 01h30 A.M. and I can get myself to sleep. Must be the excitation of the Harry Potter Premiere I watched some hours ago. You know, the adrenaline, the pression you have, being a webmaster and wanting to post the very first and exclusive photos of the event. And you stay online, wait for someone to comment the event with you. How was Emma Watson's dress (awful), how come Daniel always manages to be so attractive, even in your less favourite color suit (green...but deep green so I guess that's ok), etc... And you watch this live stream video from AOL, you hear the screams of the fans, the lights that are flashing everywhere, and you tell yourself that you could have been there, too. It was planned to be you, on the other side of the camera, you weren't supposed to be the one sitted at home who can simply watch. You should have been living this, like many other people. But...well *sighs* I still tell myself my parents were right about not letting me go. It didn't keep me from shedding a tear when I saw this huge sign at the top of the Oden Cinema, on the screen of my computer : "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire : The World Premiere".
I know it may sound childish, and I still don't know why I cried at this moment, because I was resigned to the fact that I wasn't allowed to go to London... well I guess I wasn't so resigned than that.

Lately, I've had an irreprescible urge to write. But I didn't know what I could write about, so I didn't do it. Instead I focused on making designs on Photoshop. But the urge is still there, and I guess that's why I'm here tonight instead of sleeping. I've got something on my mind that's been bothering me for some days now. I can place a feeling on it, though I'm not sure why I feel it...Well, not really. In fact I exactly know what it's all about...it's just that I don't want to write it down, in fear to make it real to the eyes of the world. To my eyes, too. For the moment, it's easy to deny it because it's only a thought, and it can't hurt anyone. But once it has been written down...Force knows it can hurt more than it was intended to. For I perfectly know that many of my thoughts haven't the same meaning once they are words. That's why I still keep this one for me...Perharps I can get not to remember it...and no one will be hurt.

Musicalement :

1. Quel instrument aimerais-tu être?
A piano, without hesitation.

2. Et lequel aimerais-tu apprendre?
Piano too. Piano rulz my life :p

3. Quelle est la chanson de ta vie?
Er...Eyes on Me by Faye Wong used to move me soo much ! I love When I Look In Your Eyes by Diana Krall, too. Luv' the lyrics in fact, for me it's the perfect love song. But Come What May definitely reflects many aspects of my personnality. Well anyway my love for Ewan McGregor at least XD

4. Une musique ( = sans paroles) qui te trouble?
"The Sixth Station" ("Le Sixième Arrêt") by Joe Hisaishi, for the movie "Spirited Away". Once I was walking in the street with this track on my MP3 player, and suddenly I broke into tears, I didn't even know why. The same thing with "Weather Storm" by Craig Armstrong, piano version. (yeah Tomoyo, Craig Armstrong rulz !)

5. Une chanson qui te rend triste?
Well I must say that there are more instrumental songs than lyrical songs that can move me. But if I'd pick one, it would be "Crucify My Love" by X Japan.

6. Une chanson qui te colle la pêche?
Huhu, without hesitation, "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" by Right Said Fred !

7. Un groupe du matin?
Iggy Pop & The Stooges...Razorlight...Bloc Party...rock rulz anyway !

8. Un groupe du soir?
First thing that came to my mind, don't even ask why : Massive Attack.

Ça se lit :

1. Un livre qui a changé la vision que tu avais sur certaines choses?
Well it must seems quite er... misplaced but I admit : Hell by Lolita Pille

2. Un auteur philosophique?
Hum perharps Pascal...or Nietzche. No idea.

3. Le personnage de bande dessinée qui te ressemble le plus?
Hum don't read comics either. 'Can't really think of one.

4. Et ton père en BD, c'est qui?
Perharps a mix between "Bidochon" and "Batman". Yes, that must exist :p

5. Et ta mère tant qu'à faire?
Er...I was thinking of Gaston Lagaf's girlfriend, don't remember her name.

Mais encore ?

1. Quel est le sentiment qui te rend dingue?
Intolerance. Yep, definitely.

2. Une description de la personne qui t'attire en ce moment?
I'm too shameful to tell. My boyfriend doesn't attract me, as I'm already and hopelessly in love with him. So he doesn't attract me, he has me already. :p Well, of course, Ewan McGregor doesn't count in this one XD

3. Une description de la dernière personne appréciable que tu aies rencontré?
Aww, it has been such a long time since I last saw a friend of mine ! It was so cool, he's still so damn funny, and gentle, I've missed him so much !

4. Une petite description d'une personne insupportable?
Err...

5. Un métier qui te dit bien?
Interior designer ! Or writer would be perfect. Computer graphics expert perharps (infographiste).

6. Ton mariage (si ca devait se faire), tu l'imagines comment?
Something quite small...a beautiful dress, my best friends and family, a great party, and a dance with my husband on "Come What May"...Naah, skip the "Come What May" bit, you're gonna think I'm definitely nuts XD

7. Et ta maison?
Lot of glass and light, very modern, pop-art everywhere, and photos in B&W of celebrities (guess who ? XD) and movies. Mix of steel and wood...Oh, and a japanese garden !

8. Un animal de compagnie?
A little kitten...white, with a lot of fur u_u

9. Combien de gosses? Comment les imagines-tu? Et quels prénoms leur donnerais tu?
Two. A girl (Anya f'course or perharps Jade, something very sweet to pronounce...or very weird like Nemesis or Gaia) and a boy (well you're gonna beat me if I say something like Daniel, or - no, not Ewan XD... in fact I was thinking of Lucas or Matthieu)

10. Fais toi plaisir toi aussi, et choisis quelques victimes pour ce test absolument pourrave :
Hey, if you read this, Emma, you have to do this, I'm sure it will cheer you up a little ^^ If not well, feel free to do it, it's very relaxing ^^

Quizz stolen to Tomoyo, thanks to her I've filled my boredom at 02.51 AM ! XD

I miss him.

I miss my friends too. Hopefully I'll see them later this week, but it seems to be a long way until saturday ! Well anyway, nothing to complain about, same day, same program...A little - very - boring, but it's better than nothing. Lately, I've been interested in finding all the films with Ewan McGregor I could. Now I have "Trainspotting", "Moulin Rouge !", "Star Wars Ep.I", "Big Fish", "Down With Love", "Emma", "The Pillow Book" and I bought "Young Adam" yesterday. Very strange film by the way, but I quite liked it. There wasn't a very complex story to follow, but the characters were fascinating. They all seemed to be haunted by a sort of ghost, it was very sad and quite frightening at the same time. Ewan was particularly astounding as Joe, the associal pervert murderer. In fact, he hadn't much things to say, but we could read so many things in his eyes, it was very disturbing...Another role for which he fitted perfectly. I think the more films with him I watch, the more I admire this actor. I mean, he's so fascinating ! I love the way he acts, his smile, his Scottish accent, his voice, his presence well, and so many things I could follow on and on forever.



I know it's just some ramblings, and it's the second time I post to say nothing, mainly about Ewan...I guess I just miss someone I could talk freely to...

I like listening to piano music...Craig Armstrong's piano, exactly. Because when I'm sad it helps me putting words on things I have on my mind that can't go out without having me crying. I'd like to have someone by my side at this moment. I need someone I can talk to. I can't take anymore my parents' arguments and I miss my friends so much. I miss laughing for nothing, not caring about anything. I'm...tired of always playing the all-grown mature girl with responsability. I know I'm still a child somewhere and I'd like to enjoy the most beautiful part of my life, even if I know the time of innocence has gone since a long time. But I'd like to keep the illusion just a little more...

I miss being me, simply me. It's tiring being someone else, even if you know this someone else is more loved than yourself.

I miss crying because it shows my weakness and so my real personnality. I'd like to see my best friend, he's totally depressed lately and it's worrying me to no point. I miss...him, to, even if I yelled at him five minutes ago. I guess it's because he's the only person left I can be myself with. And the pression suddenly explodes and then, well...I feel so miserable for getting angry at him.

I think I've never felt so lonely. It's not the kind of loneliness like you're seeing no one, talking to no one and all, but this kind where you feel alone even when the place is crowded around you. And it's like you're screaming and screaming your helplessness but no one's hearing you. And that's worse than any average feeling of loneliness.
Some time ago I'd have fallen into depression, enclosing myself into a world of mine, not bearing the real one anymore. But today I've realised that my reaction changed. I keep smiling, singing, living, laughing, and no one notice my despair. But only because I'd have wanted them not to notice, not because I've tried to tell them and they didn't hear a damn thing. Now, I'm in control.

So even if I pretend being part of the 'real' life, I don't know if I'm still anymore. Everyday I have this growing impression that it's less and less myself that's living in this body. It's more as if it was just an act and that's my part was taking more and more control over the real me...I don't know how to express it in a more appropriate way...Still, lately I can't help feeling completely empty despite everything I'm involved in. I have the impression of being an outsider and watching someone who looks like me, talks and walks like me, interacting with my friends, lover and family, but who's not me...

Or perharps its another excuse, a masquarade to hide the fact that I don't want to acknowledge this growing hatred for my father. I don't want to think that it's really me who's hating my father. The real me can't do that, can he ? He can't feel this horrible burning anger each time we meet and part without a single word, can he ? Can he ?

I think I'm on the edge of breaking down. I may seem strong, cheerful, lively and far from being depressed, but I start to think I am. I am the only person left with whom I can be myself. Honestly, take away my momentarly "passion" for Ewan McGregor, my job which takes 14h of my time daily and the few moments I offer myself to the cinema or shopping with my cousin, and you'll have nothing left. I talk no more to my father, easy I don't see him anymore. In the morning I go to work with my mother and he's already gone, in the evening he's already asleep when I come back. And I'm glad it works this way. He told mum and I he was going to leave the house, but I'm under the impression that before, he wants to be assured that my life's a living hell before leaving. And I'm currently hating myself for having such thoughts, for hating my father...

But most of all, I'm feeling very guilty for forsaking my boyfriend. We're both very busy with our lives, but he's making all the efforts he can so that we can see each other, and each time I decline his offer. I may sound completely distant to him and I know it hurts him in some way, but it's my own way for not suffering from his absence. I want him badly by my side especially in such moment, but I can't, so I'm resigned and "the show must go on". I put my feelings on the back of my mind, I have enough to cope with at the moment I think. My reasoning must sound inhuman, even to me, but it's quite a "self-protecting" reflex...

Until recently...well, I reckon I should start the story from the beginning. There's a young man who works at the same place as me (my grand-father's supermarket) and he's also my father's friend's son. So I knew him already, but this work allowed me to actually learn more about him and well, I don't lie by admitting that I quite appreciate him. Moreover, he's quite handsome and well, he's a nice guy, funny and caring... my cousin (5 years younger than me) told me tonight, while we were all dining that he kept looking at me, and I felt myself blushing at this idea...So, it would be very easy to yield, with the one I love far away from me, and this feeling of loneliness that's growing everyday a little more...But no of course, and I've just realised the strongness of this thought : I deeply and sincerely, unconditionally and madly love my boyfriend, and it is absolutely out of question of putting my feelings for him in doubt...But I can't keep myself from wondering why I need theses kind of things to realise that ? And the worst is that it's not the first time that I realise such a thing, it's like I'd constantly need something to remind it to me...!