_loudnproud_ (_loudnproud_) wrote,
_loudnproud_
_loudnproud_

Pre-College Hell

I think I've developed some kind of mental block about this whole college business. I've been freaking out about my art, and tonight, as I was attempting to explain my art related fears to my parents, I had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: "Okay, I know that I shouldn't really be worrying about this because of college stuff-"
Mom: "You're right. College stuff is much more important. You have a lot of deadlines coming up, and if you don't get a start now (which you haven't gotten yet), you're not going to be able to go anywhere you want to go."

I really shouldn't be surprised anymore, but here's a nugget of advice we can collect from this: Don't stress people out who are obviously already stressed and have serious psycological issues already. I didn't think that really needed to be said, but apparently I overestimated her once again.

This morning, we had planned to do college stuff at 9:00 tonight, but that was before this lovely little incident. It was also before my mom, as ever, did not feel the need to appologize. Because, apparently, she is above such things.

So, she comes in expecting to work with me, and of course we just wind up yelling at each other. Again. And I still haven't made any real progress.

I don't know what her problem is. More to the point, I don't know what MY problem is. It's the sort of thing that I could just sit down ad DO in about half an hour at most, but either my resentment or my lack of confidence (or something else or all of them) are keeping me from getting anything done. This kind of thing tends to happen a lot. I just wish they'd trust me to do things on my own. But the other half of me says "Why should they? You'd just let them and yourself down." I don't know which is right. Maybe I should try to start talking to Morbid again, but I doubt even he would be able to help.

...God, I'm so crazy.

Anyway, I had a thought. It was the same thought I always have, but I decided to actually ask. I went to my mother and asked her if it was possible for her to have as little to do with my pre-college process as possible. She vehemently refused. I wasn't surprised.

So, I guess it's back to the drawing board for now.
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