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Looking Back. [Jan. 28th, 2009|04:28 am]
I just went through this livejournal and made most of my old entries private. When I first got a livejournal, Katy Crawly gave me a valuable piece of advice: "don't post anything you don't want anyone else to know on livejournal." I did not follow her advice, and used this as more of a journal to myself and now I look back and see how young I was and how far I've come. I'll probably be saying the same thing a couple years from now as well. Anyway I made a bunch of entries private because I don't want the whole world to know all my embarrassing internet drama from freshman year on. Its funny how things have changed. I used to fear change more than anything, I used to hate change because to me change meant losing people you loved. I'm not like that at all anymore and I'm glad. Looking back has made me realize a lot of things:

The first thing I noticed were all the people that have touched my life, all the little comments I received from people I may or may not have known very well, but I got a lot of really good advice throughout the years.

Another thing I noticed was how entirely convinced I was I would have certain people in my life forever. If someone had asked me to jump off a bridge for my three best friends sophomore year I would've done it. At one point in my life I believed I might be with my first love forever. I’m not upset I’m not best friends with the people I was best friends with sophomore year or that I’m not still with my first love, but looking back I’ve realized that there is a part of me that will always love them, and although things have changed and sometimes I get impatient or upset with people I have history with, I will always care about them.

Another thing I realized is that I judge people for the same irrational thinking and annoying traits I once had just a few years ago. I should chill out.

The last thing I’ve realized is how far my family has come. Once upon a time I absolutely hated my parents. We both could’ve done things differently back then. Instead of reading books and listening to radio shows about how to parent, reading their daughters journals and threatening to send me to an all girl boarding school, they could have just tried to talk to me. They could have been a bit more open minded instead of jumping to conclusions when I brought home a friend with pink hair or went to a show where the audience is made up of Mohawk-dawning teens. Instead of sneaking around and writing hateful things about my parents and rebelling and telling them lies and things they so did not deserve or playing the role of tortured teenager and assuming they wouldn't understand, I could have tried express myself better.

Now the majority of my friends are ‘alternative’ looking and my little brother has a mohawk. My parents have gotten over the shock of having a perfectly manicured male dripping of glitter in their house. Hard as it was, I think deep down they finally understand that just because you have brightly colored hair and a nose piercing doesn’t mean you’re a delinquent (although as long as I’m living under their roof I’m still not allowed unnatural hair colors or nose piercings). They know because my friends have proved that.

A week ago I went to see my Nana and Papa. Religion is very important to my family, especially my grandparents and for the first time in my life I revealed to them that (to put it gently) I doubted my faith. To my surprise, their reaction was calm, kind, and understanding. Instead of pushing their beliefs on me, they respected my honesty and had some great things to say. They made it clear how much they loved me and respected me, and that’s when it really hit me-I really underestimated them. Once upon a time I used to think I was the black sheep of the family. Now I think that maybe we’re not so different after all. I love them very much.
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Re-hash [Nov. 29th, 2008|02:15 am]
Me: "this band looks just like that band we saw a few weeks ago."
Colin: "I know"
"I swear thats the same guitarist. I think he was wearing the same thing"
"No, all these bands look the same."
"And sound the same"
"This is why we need crash disco"
"Yeah your right. We need a new genre."

Is anyone else really sick of all the two cent indie/garage/surf bands that are popping up all over the place now?
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Not to be corny but... [Nov. 26th, 2008|12:58 pm]
[music |Ronnie Dawson]

Thing I'm thankful for in the year 2008:

1. My amazing friends. What the hell would I do without them. I don't even know.
2. Tom Waits. He's fucking rad.
3. the koffee klatch. Without that place to escape to, I would've gone crazy much earlier in the semester.
4. Laguna Beach. Best spot in OC. The ocean & all the amazing fall sunsets.
5. My little brother. & My dog rascal. & The rest of my familia.
6. Good Health
7. The laguna beach animal shelter
8. Meeting Rachel Chudley. It's amazing how someone can improve your perspective in just three months time. She has to go back to london soon but better three months than never.
9. Good Memories
10. That I was born in a nation that for the most part allows me freedom & equality.
11. Music Music Music! & art! In all forms.
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(no subject) [Nov. 11th, 2008|01:09 pm]
[music |the germs]

I'm a bit frusterated right now.

On the one hand, I'm really greatful for being in laguna. The weather/sunsets have been fucking amazing, I am still able to hang out with my amazing friends, I don't have to worry about money or food, there's a good music scene in OC, I can see my dog & my brother & sleep in my bed. I still meet new people every now & then, there will always be the koffee klatch.

On the other hand, I get bored & restless. Lately especially, I've been thinking about how much I want to go travel & experience life. I really feel like I need to put myself in an unfamiliar situation, challenge myself a bit, learn about myself further. I want to travel, I want to live other places for a bit. I've been thinking about seattle lately especially, or santa cruz. Ive been thinking about somewhere kind of cloudy, rainy, green, but full of life. I've been craving the rain.

Another reason I've been so frusterated lately is because of all the General Education bullshit I have to take before I actually start doing things I want to do. Not that I really have ANY FUCKING CLUE what i want to do with my life, which is also really frusterating, but I'm tempted to just fuck OCC all together & go straight to an art school next year. I feel like I'm waisting time & money taking all these general classes that I hate.

I've been reading twilight again, & although its fluff its kind of nice to escape. I need fluff every now & then, I can't wait for the movie.

I've also been having these really vivid dreams lately, & I hate when I have to wake up because it means im back in reality. Lately ive been looking forward to sleeping & dreaming, just to escape for a little bit.

If anyone is interested in taking a roadtrip to seattle anytime, holler.
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2008|10:42 pm]
Of all the people in the world I could run into at Dennys, I ran into Zach's mom & girlfriend.

I'm not gonna front about how Zach was my BFF & Im totally torn up from the inside out about this, but I do want to talk about, because this shits fucked. & I didnt know max, max, mark, or wes, but I knew zach. I was at his house about two weeks ago actually. & its just fucking wierd to think about how we were all laughing & listening to music at his house a few days ago & now he's not here. So i've never done this before, & i'm a little bit confused on how to think because I was never great friends with him.

For one thing, I've been hanging out with Kameron Pearson a lot lately, & they were really fucking tight. & Lauren & Alex & us would go to the beach with him in the summmertime, so they were fucking tight. Zack was friends with a lot of fucking people, & me & Zack's girlfriend got along really well. Anyway, my first reaction was thinking about all his friends & family & his girlfriend & how I felt REALLY FUCKING TERRIBLE for them. I talked to Kameron on the phone for a bit today, & then I ran into him. & then I went to Dennys & fucking ran into Zach's mom & girlfriend. I didn't realize it was Zach's mom until after I had sat down but I hugged Sabrina & had no idea what to say so I just said if she needed anything call me even though we're not that great of friends.

So since I'm still in Laguna I'm kinda in the middle of all of this & seeing everyone's reactions and people I care about upset, which is upsetting. & his poor fucking mother. goddamnit. I used to think all the time about how the late teen/early twenties was the wierdest/worst time to die, becuase you're not little anymore so nobody's babysitting you or waiting for you to stick your finger into the socket or crawl into a pool or something, & because its not like your parents have only had you for a few years. They've had you for nearly 20 fucking years & then poof you're gone. I can't fucking imagine what that would do to a parent. & its not like you're over fifty & have diabetes or heart attacks or something. this is suppose to be the healthiest time of your life, the beginning of your life & the best part of your life, & to die when you're just beginning is just fucking lame.

Shits fucked up. I'm so fucking sick of drugs. I can't tell you how fucking sick of drugs I am. Drugs are fucking EVIL & it just fucking amazes me how people can watch their friends OD & continue doing them. Its like every year or two years someone will OD & nearly die or die, & then people are all shocked & upset by it & then like six months later they go back to using & then eventually someone fucking else ODs. DONT YOU FUCKING GET IT? STOP IT! I can't stand watching people self-destruct! I'm so sick of drugs fucking up my life, my friends lives, taking lives psychially & mentally shits FUCKED. Stop messing around. I hope some people fucking get it now.

Its like it never ends. Its like I can't be shocked anymore. & the sad reality of it is every one of my friends who uses gnarly shit will either stop, die, or go crazy. Thats just whats going to fucking happen. So I really hope my friends who are smoking herion & doing methadone & mixing pills will STOP. Because its really fucking scary, & it makes no sense, & there's nothing I can do.

It just re-affirms my belief system so much. It gives me strenght to continue to passively fight the good fight against drugs & to stay the fuck away from them.

I guess to me this whole thing has just been shocking. & upsetting. & like I said before I'm not trying to claim that I'm his best friend & that I'm bawling my eyes out because if one of my best friends had died & all these people that didnt know him or her were fronting I would be upset. But like I said, its just shocking, & upsetting. He was a fucking cool kid. RIP Zacky J, we're all thinking about you.
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Single Ladies [Oct. 18th, 2008|11:14 pm]
Ok so I went to Tigerheat with nick & ben & erika & saw this video & ever since then I've been fuckin OBSESSED with it.

a. Beyonce is fucking hot. & a WOMAN. With CURVES.
b. I love the choreography
c. I love the lyrics/concept
d. for some reason this video is just like really captivating


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I'm going to start doing portraits again! [Oct. 12th, 2008|01:18 am]
I need to pick up a camera! I'd like to start doing some portrait shots again. If anyone would like to get their portrait done message/call me. If you have a specefic idea thats great or especially if anyone is interested in doing a pin-up style shot (always classy). I havnt produced anything in a while & Id like to get some practice in.

Appreciate it!
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Just a friendly reminder to ADOPT instead of buying from a breeder or pet store [Oct. 9th, 2008|02:49 am]
As most of you have gathered from this point Ive worked as a volunteer in the Laguna Beach Animal Shelter on and off for the past five years.

Its rare when we have to put down an animal, we're mostly a no-kill shelter but every once in a while we'll get a dog that is really mean or something and we'll have to put it down.

So last week we got this pit bull puppy, she's this gorgeous dog, totally healthy, young & full of life. She plays well with the other dogs & she definately holds her own. She needs a lot of training just like any puppy but, she's super friendly & loveable. She's been in the back for two weeks & I know that means they aren't sure if they're going to keep her or not. I talked to one of the other volunteers about it and sure enough its because she's a pit bull.

This kind of thing is just really upsetting. I know it comes with the job but it just never gets any easier. I feel so helpless. If I didnt live with my folks I would say let me just fucking foster her until I find her a home but there's no way thats going to happen in the situation I'm in.

You know the thing about pitts too is its just like they never asked to be bred. Its almost like a frankenstien scenario, this human creates this 'monster' & everyone rejects it. I mean what are you suppose to do with that, its not like she asked to be born a pitt bull. She's built to be a fighting machine but that wasnt her fault. I think what people forget about pitt bulls & rotties & other dogs with bad reps is that before they're pitts, they're dogs first. & all dogs want is some good old fashioned lovin. I really believe in nurture over nature too. Its especially frusterating to see a young, easily malleable pup get put in a situation like this.

It just seems like such a waste. & this goes for all the dogs that are born & euthanized in shelters. Like If I had known before I was born that I was going to be killed only a few short weeks or months after I had been born, I dont know if I would even want to bother going through the whole process. It just doesnt seem fair. & there are lots of beautiful healthy dogs that get put down per year in shelters. 6 Million in california alone actually.

Anyway my basic point is, please be responsbile with your pets. Spay & neuter them & try to avoid backyard breeders & professional breeders. Definately avoid most pet stores, because most of the puppies & kittens come from puppy mills & once they are too big for the display get put in shelters. The dogs in the shelters & resuces are just as loving as any dog, & with modern technology its not difficult to find purebred dogs up for adoption.

PS please don't go screaming into the Laguna Beach Animal shelter it's not for sure yet & technically she's not even up for adoption. I'll ask for help when I know I need it.
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Christ. [Oct. 8th, 2008|03:13 am]
[music |Misfits]

If you fucking OD on me I'll fucking kill you.
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(no subject) [Oct. 5th, 2008|02:36 am]

i love my life.
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