Savvy?

On friday my mom called me at 8 in the morning. I didn't answer the phone. I was asleep... and I knew it wasn't good news. Sure enough, the sobbing voicemail told me some vague detail about "bad news". I almost didn't call her back. From her sobbing, I knew that it couldn't be leroy's sister because my mom wouldn't have been that emotional. It had to be someone that I was close to.

My mom has like 5 best friends in this entire world.. Dee Dee, Deborah, Deb, Jenny, and possibly Starla. Now she has 4. They found her dead on the bathroom floor at 6:30 in the morning. Deborah's gone. I knew things had gotten rough in the last couple years and I've really been avoiding her because I don't want to remember her the way she was becoming. I want to remember her they way I do. I want to remember the person who had roses delivered on my graduation day. The woman who helped me get a loan for school when I was freaking out. The person who watched me and let me play under her bed until I was to big to fit. The one who got me hooked on Harry Potter books and let me hang out at her house. She took me shopping and kept tabs on me. She always came by to see me at Christmas and she never missed a birthday party. She was so proud of me. This is the second friend my mom has almost/did lose. Starla almost died too. They're not old enough to die. Now I get to go to the funeral. I don't know if I can do this. The amount of people I know that will be there is unbearable. She's like my aunt. Her parents watched me grow up, I grew up with her neices and nephews. We've known each other our entire lives.

I think the worst part is not that my mom is going to sob like a baby but that Ed is going to be a royal mess and he's life has been completely shattered.

I realize that there is a lot of shit going on in my life but when people (not everyone) don't actually communicate with me, then I don't really expect them to get involved with it.  I realize that I ruined a night for reasons both in my control and beyond my control.  I realize that I can't just put on a happy face and deal with things for a multitude of reasons.  For anyone who has been affected by my sub-par coping skills, I'm sorry.  For anyone who is pissed off at my sub-par coping skills, go fuck yourself.

Now you can all go on continuing to ignore me and be pissed off at me like you already are because now I deserve it. 

On that note, I'm gonna go disapear because my presence here is not actually necessary. 

Yeah, I can't cut and crop and html anymore, I'm getting old and entirely out of practice.  This is the N. College area in front of Steak N Shake.
 

So...

I'm watching the finale of Kid Nation and 10 year old just showed his dad how to do a "bonanza" bomp.  Looks just like a jagerbomb and is done, just like a jagerbomb.

He's 10.

Ya know, I would post more but I usually just whine so here goes the non-whining part.

You know your life sucks when you are pregnant, on medicaid, and working at Kroger for less than $8/hr.  You know you're with the wrong person when he's making $8/hr being a mechanic and you bring home more money than he does.


I'm so glad I didn't fuck my life up like that.

It's official, I have no social life.

The more this semester progresses,the happier I am that it's almost OVER.  Since this is the last semester, I guess I'm even more irritable with not having a life.  The ONLY day I have to even see or hang out with anyone is Sunday.  Sunday's suck. I'm tired, I'm grumpy and I'm definitely not in the mood to hang out with people which sucks because I don't see my friends very often.  

On a complete side note, I'm apparently a production trainer now instead of an OS since the great BS has decided a job title and furthermore, can't get his story straight.  Story A: no budget for an OS (fair) Story B: You can't be an OS unless you are not a full-time student (Bullshit)  Yes, no one wants to answer any questions I have to above-store leaders because they don't respond to e-mails or something.  I'm sick of this fucking district and I want out.  The only way to do that though is by moving and I don't want to do that... not yet.  Plus, I don't know where I want to go.  

Overall, I'm just irritated.  between my apartment complex screwing me over and signing up a utility in my name to the bullshit that is work and school.  I need a vacation, I can't wait to take a vacation.  I need to start saving for that because I'm leaving in December/January... even if it's by myself.

Besides debating lately on quitting the good ole' shake for possible better career opportunities, tonight has just more or less capped off the evening and possibly made the choice for me.  If tomorrow and subsequent days turn out as expected, then I'm probably going to leave.  I've never been in the situation where I didn't know exactly what to do.  I like to be well planned and well advised but I'm not there anymore.  Two of our interns got obliterated (as well as at least 3 other boys who can't figure out how to keep their shit together) and were arrested.  The charges are a little unknown and the whole situation is a big giant mess but what do you do when that happens?  I call Meghan... to confirm that I should call HR.  I called HR and sure enough, big giant to-do that involves company VP of Ops showing up at the hotel and all kinds of bullshit.  All of this because 1) I didn't know what to do and 2) Someone needed to know.  These guys are/were idiots.  Every single intern saw them sitting on the corner in cuffs, more specifically, all those that went out and had a good time but still managed to keep themselves together.  Instead, these 2 lost their cool and started yelling at a cop (minus the whole first half of the story).  This just cements that the shake lacks efficient hiring practices.  There were at least four at the conference that shouldn't have been there that didn't take this at least partially seriously.

The best part, someone got mad at me for calling HR after a GREAT majority of the other interns passed them sitting on the sidewalk in cuffs.  Then some of those interns ran into HRM's in a bar on accident where they found out anyway.  But yet, it's my fault for making sure the situation is handled.  Furthermore, this is nuts.  Their dumb asses got ARRESTED during the conference, would it have been better to explain to the HRM's tomorrow, "Oh, I thought they were getting arrested and didn't think it was a big deal" or at least give them the heads up they may need to fix the situation.

Tomorrow is going to be a blast.  I can't wait to go home.

Dear World:

I have cubs bleacher tickets where Zambrano is set to pitch and it's against the CARDINALS.

See you in Wrigleyville.

Sometimes it's weird to have to convey emotions when you're much better at telling stories.  I tell stories because I can hide my emotions, but I can't tell a story when I have to actually get something out.

I'm surrounded by so many secrets, so much indecisiveness, so much mystery.  My normal inquisitive and extremely curious self has more or less given up.  It's so strange, my life is boring.  It has little spikes of fun things or interesting things but overall, it's pretty boring.  The people I'm surrounded by have some of the strangest lives I have ever seen.  If it's not one thing it's another.  There is constantly action, constantly drama.  It's probably the reason I can only be around them for a few hours.  I get burned out on the gossip, the secrets, and the awkward moments when people get quiet, whipser into another's ear, and then stop speaking for the rest of the night.  The sideways glances and the mid sentence drops are equally irritating.  They have so many secrets from one another, or maybe just me, or most likely their own best friend(s) that they can't say things out loud in fear that they will be found out.  I think by the end of the summer things will likely clear themselves up.  The main problems are working themselves out and people are moving on.  This by no means solidifies the fact that this year will be good.  

I can't remember a good year yet... but maybe 2 years ago.  

Cory's family is literally falling apart.  They are going to end up spending so much money on medical bills.  I can't even imaging what they are going through and he is bottled up tight, like normal, looking like everything will be alright.  In 3 years I've found that it's far easier to allow him to stay bottled, than it is to try to drag it out of him.  He's like a vault.  I can never get him to talk on an emotional level, which is probably why I get so angry sometimes.  I'm emotional, I like to know things like why he loves me, and what is going to be so special in the future.  I want to know why's quiet, or if he's depressed.  That's not stuff he'll tell me, let alone anyone else.  It's like looking for gold in a limestone quarry, fruitless.  I still have hope that one day, he'll tell me.

As for the friends, half of them have dropped off the face of the earth, only to contact me when they are bored, one is moving "home" for a month to have surgery and a few are moving out of town.

On a side note, when you move home, you don't generally go back to school.  I'm just going to put that out there.  Furthermore, you're parents (who aren't footing the bill) have absolutely no say in your education anymore.  If they want you to attend, they can pay for it.  Get a spine, it's not like they do anything for you anyway.

I also hate mind games.  From the outside everyone appears normal, happy, etc.  But deep down, they are plagued with all kinds of problems from the most minute to some of the biggest.  It's like watching them from the outside you really don't see anything that's going on but if you get in there real close, it's all a game.  It's a really backwards game. and it's kinda bullshit.  I'm glad I'm not smack dab in the middle of it.  I like being outside, I don't like the catty, coy, and easily mistakable moods.  I wish people would just tell you how they felt instead of covering it up poorly.

Ooo look twice in one day.

ALSO, I dislike being lied to on a level that I cannot even type.  It pisses me off more than you could possibly imagine.  I'm also not a fan of being avoided, thanks for making me feel like that.

And again, I'm sick of your bullshit, and yours, and yours, I'm sick of being lied to because amazingly enough I have a keen ability to find out the truth and usually from the most unlikely source, not that one, the other one.  I'm over this shit, I know I did a post recently about friendship but I think that this kind of thing ends a friendship.  The first time you lied to me, I was okay with it... well not entirely okay but I got over it.  This time it was a blatant lie by multiple people and now I'm fucking pissed.  Congratulations.  Thanks for being my friend, or is that too strict of a term?

By the way, this directed partially to someone else entirely, you are not the most important person in the world and thank you for fucking me over.