Beard!Conan .x. Tainted

Home land.

I never lie / To myself / Tonight.

I thought we had more time, more lives.

Rose, tinted eyes / Color my sorrow / A shade of wine

It could not drown our sorrow.

Bye bye black balloon / See you real soon / Wave bye bye / Bye bye

I waved it, but did not feel it.

Oh, why were you so sad / What have they done? / Forget those mindless baboons / They're off playing God

Playing it, preaching it, being your god.

Copy cats in cheap suits / Are playing it safe / While cannibals of bad news / Consume a parade

They sought to end your joy by calling it demise. Those people in their suits wanted you to believe it. It is easier to believe, right? ...Right?

Is it wonderful?

I hope it is, for your sake.

Kalopsia, kalopsia, kalopsia
Kalopsia, kalopsia

The delusion of things being more beautiful than they are.

Far, far from ashore / The land of nightmares / Gone forever more

I've left Wal-mart. For good. For the rest of my life.

And I love you more / Than I can control / I don't even try / Why would I?
Oh why the long face? / You've got it all wrong / Forget the rat in the race / We'll choke chain them all
Fates favor the ones / Who help themselves / The rest feel the sting of the lash / As they row, as they row / The boat to hell

Nao .x. Days

I came "home"

This morning, coming home after ANOTHER 10-hour day at work (at which I was coached for "not being productive" ... but I don't want to get into that), I came home to a partial non-shocker--No leftovers in the fridge.

Last night, my "family" went to my aunt Yvonne and Uncle Steve's (or it was their daughter and son-in-law's, I can't recall) for Thanksgiving dinner in Winnsboro (near Columbia). They called around 6:45.

"Thank goodness Daddy reminded me to call and wake you up."
"It's only 45 minutes after you asked, and I told you, when I wanted to wake up."
"We're in the middle of dinner. It's very, very good."
"Well, I'm gonna get up and make me a sandwich. Thanks for calling, Mum."

Brady comes over a little late; he had to go to Wal-Mart to get anything hot to eat. Everyone else closed at 6, or weren't open at all. Sad and funny that burger flippers, the most frowned-upon, look-down-noseyish work force in the nation... Gets Thanksgiving off. I digress.

He comes over and we watch episode 5 of Homeland while I make and eat a sandwich. Not a great sandwich, just egg and toast.

We go to work, walking a quarter mile from our cars in the freezing cold, soon to appease the greedy, capitalistic curs our nation lauds, coerced with "deals" in trade for loathesome strife and a breeding ground for breaking nearly all of the ten commandments... I digress again.

Anyway, bullshit bullshit bullshit later, we get our tiny lunch break and management has supplied us with smushed half-sandwiches half-wrapped in cellophane. Another sandwich, but at least it's food and I didn't have to buy it.

All night, I had the displeasing jealousy listening to my coworkers gush about how stuffed they were from their dinners, how they had no room for the sandwiches, they would have so much food at home, etc. and so forth. I sit down and a lady I see and talk to maybe a few times a month comes over and talks the usual business that I normally see her about whenever I do get to talk to her. I'm scrounging things to make a palatable meal: condiments from different drawers and shelves in the fridge, nabbing some cold, leftover potato wedges the deli provided us, looking to see if there were any forgotten things in the freezer, and as I sit down, she walks past again and asked how my Thanksgiving dinner was. I told her ... the sandwiches were my dinner, (In retrospect, I tear up at the sound of that, in regards to how much I actually am blessed with food most of the time.)

"Hold on a minute, before you open that sandwich."

"_________ (I forgot who she said) brought a few extra plates from her house, in case no one got to have thanksgiving dinner. It should have enough on it. Here you go."

Sandy pulled it out of the fridge and sat it and another plate of sweets (a slice of red velvet cake, pumpkin pie, a piece of rum cake, and some oreo balls) and sat it in front of me.

"How come you didn't get any dinner?"
Dear God, what to say?

"My family went to Columbia to be with the rest of my family for Thanksgiving dinner.They called to let me know how good it was."

She just made this funny, sad-looking face, and said "I hope you enjoy it, Holly. Happy Thanksgiving."

A few hours later I saw her again and thanked her again for the food. The ^-^ face I made when I popped the first oreo ball told her enough, she said, lol. I told her I could only hold half the plate, it was so good and I was really full. "I'm glad I get to walk around and help customers all night to work it off just so I can finish it tomorrow!" She laughed at me then, but the good-hearted kind of way.

I'm weeping now as I type this.

I came home to a fridge devoid of even a Ziploc container. Every year they (my extended family) make a lot of deviled eggs because they know they're my favorite... And not even one of those were in the fridge when I came home, dead-tired, 20 minutes ago. I was too let down to go straight to bed so I had to come here...

Sandy has a few little trinkets near her desk, one of a caricature angel made of wood that says "be someone's angel today" and I weep, too, because my family has no concept of charity like that. Not even to their own blood. And sometimes I honestly feel like they will not be spared suffering in Hell for how they are.

It's hard to accept.

Which is why I feel no remorse for not warning Mum I'm leaving.

She is no mother to me.
Beard!Conan .x. Tainted


One of my little besties' birthdays is today and he turned 18.

Since I've got 1/5th of my belongings packed and moved out the house without Mum knowing, I'm thinking about my birthday, too.

With what I'm doing, I know Mum will be sore with me a while.
I'm sure Nanny won't bake me a birthday cake this year.
Neither of them like Brady; my friend Stephanie says it's because he's "taking away their Hollydolly".

I guess.

When Mum says, angrily, "why don't you just move out?" when you want to sit on one cushion of the couch (the only place to sit in the living room to relax after a 10-hour day at work) she's sleeping on, instead of in her own bed with her husband, it says to me they want the Hollydolly gone.

And so I will.

But I don't think I'll have a birthday this year. Much less a Christmas. None apart from what Brady, his family, and the Stahls get me for Christmas.

I think I have decided, once I move out, to ask friends on here and Facebook to give/make me really pretty ornaments from local stores/retailers or by hand or whatever... I want decorations for Christmas. I'll totally foot the shipping bill by sending concealed cash or a Paypal payment or whatever... I just... I want things to remind me people are thinking of me during Christmas. I need to tangibly quantify that people care, when it feels like no one does.

It's gonna be a lonely Chritmas, this year, I anticipate.

I'll be with the person I love beyond any imagining I thought I could, but I'm afraid of how I'll feel if I don't see his sea-blue eyes glittering up at me and his pointy, cutesyperfect teeth showing when I make him smile.


Yeah, got lots of that in stock this year.
Beard!Conan .x. Tainted

I don't lie; I misappropriate my time. (December Recap)

December was weirder. My birthday "show" from Dean was soon to come and I had my birthday off (yes, they were on the same night). I went to the bar and got my Guinness and called my roomie from college, who lived close by, to see if she wanted to come out and have a drink. She came soon enough and turns out, her mom knew the owners, so they got in free and got me a drink for my birthday. A shot of 100 proof peppermint schnapps. Very nice.

And I had consumed a Guinness draft.

And another friend had bought me a birthday drink; yes, a 100 proof peppermint schnapps shot.

Yep. Bad tolerance = wasted in seconds, lol. I was texting with Aaron a little before it but mainly, I was talking to Dean, or trying to, when I had a chance, or his best friend, the drummer. Alissa had even brought her mom to the bar, too, so we all chilled out and talked about the crappy band that was opening for SIXandTWENTY. They left soon after, missing them play, but I was enjoying it. I had to start sobering up for the drive home in two hours, so I started to eat every thing Alissa had put in my birthday goodie bag.

Dean took me outside at one point and wanted to tell me how he was sorry that he didn't have anything but the show to give me on my birthday. He pecked me on the cheek and we went back inside. I didn't get lucky on my birthday, which was good. But now I was 25 years old.



Feeling like a loser.

But more on that later.

A few days before, and I made the "call to prayer" for his grandma. I called him once and got in touch with him a week later for just a couple minutes, but apart from that, subsequent calls and messages, once a week afterward, went unanswered, and he seemed to cut all ties with me. Why, I didn't know, but I was deeply hurt. How could he be so cruel, when I wanted to be his friend if nothing else, when his cousin who told me what he knew/could about him to help me date him? I didn't understand, but Aaron was supportive.

Christmas Eve, I was talking to Aaron about Miyavi and great acoustic guitarists after the oddly-awkward exchange at the Stahl's Christmas Eve get-together. My "aunt" whom I never see, bought me a size 20/24 blouse. "Oh, shoot. I'll exchange it and get you a smaller size" was the excuse she gave me as she took it back. No one, who had asked, believed the clothing sizes I gave them in response to my attire. But there I was, in the flesh, 60lbs lighter than last year. Let's say, I was relieved when none of the awful clothes picked out for me fit.

Christmas Day, Paul and I (The Brayden like uranus_sama had endured) were trying to get back on better terms. Jeanna and I had talked about Aaron, whom she had the fling with a month prior, but even so, I felt the distance I kept with him was better. I didn't want Jeanna's sloppy seconds (even though I was attached to Paul in a Stockholm Syndrome kinda way). That night, before work, Aaron called me, and I stood, standing by my open door, watching the miracle snow fall outside, telling him I was hoping he was having a good Christmas, all the while wishing I was standing there watching it with him. It had been 48 years since the last time it snowed here, on Christmas day.

I went to work that night, stuck texting Paul, but wishing I had Aaron to talk to when I got off in the morning.

I'll write about New Year's Eve later in the week. It was a rough, weird night, and I'd rather not type about it right now. But Aaron was there, supportive in my romantic endeavors, despite how he longed for me to come to him.
Beard!Conan .x. Tainted

I lied. Sorry. (November recap)

I said I'd update before the end of April but I missed that deadline. I had anticipated being able to update during my vacation (April 23-28) however... I was too busy having a vacation, for once.

Anyway, I need to recap on a lot of things that have gone on since, well, November, basically. I nevr updated about LA, so I'll do that now.

I was disappointed about what happened in LA. My friends I met there were intensely flaky about something was deeply passionate about. So passionate I flew and spent a good bit of money in order to experience. To some, spending time with me was fine, but the delay waiting on a bus ride home was not worth it. I may not see them again, but someone who I felt convinced they were a very close friend, and I wasn't worth the sacrifice of sleep. I had sacrificed a lot, but I wasn't worth their time sacrifices in return. It hurt.

A lot.

Maybe a lot more than it should? ... No, I won't even concede to that thinking. It hurt me for months, to the point I didn't want to talk to anyone I had spoken to or bonded with in the previous 6 months, and those people were completely ignorant that they had been too self-absorbed or conceited to realize it, so I left them alone. I can't deal with people with non-existant self-awareness. I was let down and I wasn't going to let myself be let down about it, so I kept if from people who would judge me with my own feelings.

I felt so lonely and abandoned when I got back home, I wept at the sink. I just fell down on the futon and cried until I couldn't stop crying. No one wanted to be around me. I was completely alone. No one cared. I cried like a child, exulting all of my frustration through cries and tears.

Also, Princess was having more and more panic attacks where she was urinating EVERYWHERE inappropriately and we gave up after two years of fighting and surrendered her to the animal shelter. I wept for two days after that, too. I was tired of being an empty failure. The pain was too intense for writing to give me any cathartic release... So I typed/said nothing.

After that, Dean stopped talking to me completely, but in the interim, I started talking to his cousin (we'll use one of his names) Aaron so I could learn more about Dean. Yeah, that's pretty dirty, but most things to do with relationships require some subversion to learn about people who don't want to be learned. Then I realized, long after that, Dean didn't want to date me because I wasn't a whore/was a virgin; Aaron wanted to date me because I wasn't a whore/am a virgin. We started talking in November and we just got along from there. I wasn't interested in him; all he did was wake up and immediately smoke a joint. Who could wake up and, at the realization it's a new day, go "Oh, I can't take this already. I must get stoned." But we got along really well and had a lot in common. But, he was only 20. I didn't want to deal with some loser kid whose life was such a depraved shitfest in any kind of romantic way, but he was good talk. I was glad to make a new friend. It was a nice surprise when he'd pop online and say hey immediately. David was no longer going to church much; we weren't bonding as much as we had been in the spring and summer, so the only person I still had to talk to became Aaron. Everyone else pushed me away or fell away.

Paul and I had a fight and stopped talking. Mainly, I was wigging out because I deperately wanted to be in a relationship and he is non-committal, overly-insecure asshole who picks out everyone else's flaws and tries to hurt them with them so that they are unable to see his flaws. I was tired of being lonely. I was still missing Thomas a lot, because it was around my 1 year anniversary of starting at Walmart and meeting him. Hell, I had even SEEN him, in the flesh, on the first of the month. November was hard.

December was going to be harder... If I let it be hard or didn't, it would be hard. So, updating more tomorrow on December. This update took three hours to write, because everyone was taking my attention away from me having any time to myself.
Beard!Conan .x. Tainted

A Personal Lent — Day 9

“I’m 25; I feel I’m behind on everything. It’s about time I think about these things. My peers are already married with children, building lives, and so forth.”

“You’re so old!” Diana teased my basis for argument before sobering. To think about my future by focusing first on time passed. “But I want you to think about it; how long do you want to look at him and talk to him?”

“I have told him, and I feel it deep in my bones: I never want to not be friends with him. Is that true love?”

“Maybe so, after all.”
Beard!Conan .x. Tainted

A Personal Lent — Day 8

“Yeah. I had to fight tooth and nail, and there were nights I broke down in tears for fear of failure.”

My eyes widened at his admittance. A very sharp, thick object felt like it obstructed my airways. He continued.

“When we were first talking. I would have nervous breakdowns about not getting you in the end. It tore my soul apart. It’s one of the reasons I think you were meant for me.”

Young, blustery, foolish men weren’t this open about their feelings, were they? With him, I felt as if I dealt with an old soul. A romantic soul.
Beard!Conan .x. Tainted

A Personal Lent — Day 6-7

Nights like this, after a fight, we feel we can be brutally open and honest, fully assessing situations with a clear mind. Like after a blustery storm, the grass, the sky, all look more lush from the battery.

“I told him that when I was looking, every girl fit my mold because I was manipulating the situation. It was only when I stopped looking, God sent me someone that it burns in my heart to wed. I told him if he stops looking, keeps his innocence, and drives forward, women will line up for him, and he can take his pick. I did.... Why not him?”

“He'll see the one he will throw down his velvet ropes for and wanna bring exclusively into his club. A woman worth fighting for is one you have to fight her for the right.” Discussing my youth group wunderkind reminded me of my previous years of folly, to avoid dating or interacting with younger men. Now I was looking at the best love of my life whom I had kept at a distance so long before I assented to let him unfurl my heart.

I want to be his rose, not his tear-jerking onion.