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it's been a year since i posted anything on here. do people even still read this? probably not.

everything in my life in the last year has pretty much been about work and i'm not inclined to write anything in regards to that. i think it would just be bad form to write my daily experiences working in the film industry and imagine what would happen if someone i worked with (say a producer or someone like that) got wind of me writing about things that happened on set. not a very good thing to do if i want to have a career in the biz.

maybe someday i'll write all about it. some day i'll get tired of the 15-18 hour days and the lack of security. no one ever owes you anything when you work in film and if i learned anything in the last year this has certainly been it. contracts can be signed and verbal agreements can be made but in the end everyone really looks out for themselves. i sometimes wonder if the film industry is just a microcosm of what it's like to live in north america. life shouldn't be but many times is just a competition. i most assuredly don't want it to be that way but it just keeps being hammered into me again and again that if i don't hustle and make the most out of every situation that i come across then someone else will and i'll be left standing there with big imaginary letters above my head saying 'WTF?'.

another thing that has seriously been bothering me the last year or so is the fact that i'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that i'm aging. i've always felt like a bit of a second class citizen within my own little subculture/world and getting older makes me feel less and less desirable and more and more like an outsider. i've been ok with things like the fact that i've never had the perfect body (never really invested the time or the energy into it), i've never had a lot of money and i've never really ever pursued a career that will garner me a wage that might attract someone looking to be taken care of (not saying i want this, mind you). if you add the fact that now i'm starting to look and feel middle aged to all these things (and more that i don't desire to go into) and... it sometimes feels over-whelmingly depressing (not that i have time to be depressed at the moment as i work too much to even feel anything other than exhausted).

i get lonely and since i feel like a second-class person i wonder if there will ever be a time in my life that i won't feel lonely. the prospect of being one of those old gay men that you see having coffee by themselves and mournfully looking at other people... will that be me? maybe...
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evageline lilly is just as gorgeous in person as she is on tv. that is all.
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i've made a big change to my friends list. since most of you local people don't post very much anymore i've decided to make this a journal for non-local people. in some ways i wish i hadn't met some of you other people (those that don't live in my area) in real life. i suppose this might be considered an odd thing to do but i'm doing it to hopefully light a fire under my ass regarding making real important posts. writing about things that matter to me rather than just my day to day life. unfortunately this would have potentially included some of the people in my day to day life and i've decided to cut them out in order to ensure i do not censor myself.

if you see me and you want to complain that you're no longer on here, go ahead. somehow i don't think many people will notice either way...

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i'm moving today. i won't have internet access for about a week. wish me luck...
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i'm moving this weekend to a bachelor around the joyce skytrain station. it's small but has a washer/dryer/dishwasher, a storage space and a gym membership included. i've rented the moving truck, confirmed one person to help me move (more would be nice) and arranged to take the appropriate days off of work (with coverage). i just hate moving...
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i just got home from a 16 hour work day. i was having a smoke before i went inside and i heard this big commotion from the side of the house, someone knocking over boards, who knows what the fuck...

i peek my head around the corner to see who's trying to break in and i come face to face with a bear. i swear i must have made a noise something along the lines of "meeeeeeeeek!", turned around as quickly as i could and ran into the house.

kinda scary and cool at the same time.

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woo hoo!

i'm listed!

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i need to move. ideally i want a bachelor but since i can't afford that just yet i'll settle for a two bedroom and roommate.

leads and helpful hints would be appreciated.

thanks.

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apparently there is no rest for the wicked.

i'm finishing wrap on smokejumpers today and tomorrow i start the 1st of the two prep days on another show called impulse. i'll be the truck costumer on this new show as well and although it pays even less than the insight show, at least i was able to negotiate them paying me at all (they initially wanted me to do a free show call for four weeks and when i put the brakes on and said no they offered the measly amount that i will be making).

will i ever have time off to actually think and reflect about the work i'm doing?

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it's funny how someone calling you out of the blue, someone you haven't talked to in what seems like a million years but no time at all, can make a day seem so much brighter than it already is. thank you.

no matter how mushy and squishy that sounds i think it just had to be said.

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