As of late... I seem to be burning more bridges than building them. I feel cut off from the people I once knew, the people I claim to know, and am at a loss to know people that aren't in my life yet.
Looking back on good ol' Livejournal, I only see one person that still posts here. Maybe we all feel too vulnerable to put things out there for the public. I know Facebook has taken over life, but... everything there is surface level, inconsequential, fleeting thoughts that most people ignore anyway (even if they've managed to read posts).
There's blogging for purpose, story telling, reviewing this or that, but this was my first real web log. It was about feelings, connecting, and digging deeper into lives. It took time / effort to reach into ourselves and others. I felt more alone, but more connected at the same time.
Where has all that gone? I know it's still out there because I feel it in me. Where has it gone for everyone else? I'm asking. Not a rhetorical question.
New year means new resolutions, right? Post / exercise / reconnect more. Procrastinate / junk food / settle less. Thing is... finding the motivation, determination, dedication, etc. is hard. I'm sure you all know this.
I had a free trial of Sportsplex, Goodlife, and now the free skating on the oval has started. My trials are over, and gym memberships are prohibitively expensive. Though working out was really good for me, the hours I work and the pay I get for it doesn't really add up to a lot of budget flexibility. I'm sure you all know that too.
My work ethic isn't that stellar either. Not sure how many own your own business people are out there, but... unless you're on it constantly / consistently, nothing happens. That's where I'm at right now. If you live in Halifax, you can likely help me out on this one.
On the relationship front, the girl I'm seeing has some pretty big expectations for her first Valentine's day with a boyfriend. I'm pretty anti-valentines, and don't particularly like spending money in general.
What does this mean for you readers?
-How do you not break promises / resolutions to yourself?
-What are some cheap as free things to do that are romantic for your special (or future) someone?
I read my friends page almost daily, but I rarely give back. So, here we go...
I've been seeing a girl for a few months now. We both live with our parents, so it's pretty challenging. She'll be starting back into school shortly, so money and time will be scarce.
Tomorrow my parents are buying a car from some family friends in Truro. They are giving us a pretty big deal, big enough that we`re buying it without looking at it. It just got inspected, so it must be fine. The kicker, it'll be in my name. My car, my insurance, for the first time ever.
Just to reiterate. I'm getting my own car. My first car!
This Friday, I have an interview for a position as "youth worker" at a place in Truro. Good = work in my field. Bad = Truro (living in or commuting to). TBD (to be determined) = working with troubled youth.
In anticipatory celebration of the car / interview, I bought some $5 lobster from superstore. I've spent more on fast food, so totally worth it.
Got a letter back from University of Western. Short story: please try again next year. I'm technically on the waitlist, but upon investigation, there are others ahead of me on the waitlist, and people don't typically not go through with the MSW program after being accepted (ie. being on the waitlist means nothing). I'm a little disappointed at not having the option (I probably would have went), but am secretly relieved to be staying home for the time being.
It's still not a sustainable situation I'm in (at home, with 2 part time jobs), but I'm not sure it will change without moving out of province.
On the horizon, Hal-Con is putting on a speed-dating event. I've signed up. I'm skeptical, but it should be interesting to participate in. Not too many people can say they've done it.
Trying to stay positive, motivated, and not emo. Some days are better than others. :P
So the school year draws to a close, and I'm thinking pretty hard about my future.
Wait... I'm not in school anymore! What does this mean? As much trouble as I've had finding full time work as a social worker in Nova Scotia is only compounded by another year of graduates (over 60) competing for the same jobs. While I have some relevant work during this period, it's casual and transferable skills are a bit of a reach.
Options? Most of them are out of province.
More school. By the end of April I will hear back from University of Western Ontario (in London) whether I have been accepted into the Masters of Social Work program. It would run September to August, would land me in student loans (which I've managed to avoid for two degrees, but it looks like that will be it). Also, an MSW doesn't guaruntee me a job. Also, not having worked the field much, I'll have no idea if I'll like it till I get there.
Job in Alberta. A fellow BSW graduate is living in a small town in Alberta (population <5000). I have trouble even in Halifax with being social. Granted some of that is me not getting out there enough, but... with a town of 4500, everyone will be connected in some way to my clients. This poses conflict of interest problems for everything: drinking, dating, doing my job when not on the clock. To top it all off, starting salary is around $32K. Which is more than I'm making, but not nearly what I expected from being out there.
Potential jobs in Newfoundland / Labrador. Entry level jobs at $45-60K. Isolation yes, ridiculous winter very yes, but lots of health care support. It's a lot closer than Alberta, but I have no connections there.
Always jobs in Nunavut. Supposed starting salary is $80K. Definite jobs, definite pay, definitely isolated, and I anticipate the towns are not much bigger than the one in Alberta. While I might be able to tolerate the severe cold, I don't know how I'd fare with that much light / darkness all at once.
Work in the Motherland redux. There's always piggybacking on my parents connections in Korea. While it would make me some money, it wouldn't likely be related to my education. Also, it wouldn't be very applicable to work here in Canada when I came back. Delaying my career / life to put me in very likely the same position I'm in now. Also, I don't particularly want to teach English again, and I picked up some bad habits there (drinking / gambling) that I probably shouldn't revisit.
Skating: Met me with a guy from her class that she was supposedly studying with. Personally, I think he was just trying to hit on her. She said her hands were cold so I lent her my newly acquired gloves. Skated all of two rotations on the oval before her ankles hurt.
Bought her french fries because she said she was hungry (this should have been my yellow flag). I said she could buy us ice cream after. She agreed. She then didn't feel like ice cream anymore so we got coffee instead (at ice cream place). She spent the next 20 minutes texting and avoiding conversation (red flag). She was going to walk out (forgetting she was going to buy at least the less expensive than ice cream, coffee), so I bought our coffees.
Walked her to the bus, where she promptly ran on while not giving my gloves back.
Laser tag: Very fun first date. Led to a few others. We held hands, and a couple kisses were exchanged. Then, she decided she wasn't interested. I respect that, but... if you weren't that interested, why hold hands, kiss, and do cutesy date things?
Beer: Much less invested this time around. Nice enough girl, but all about kink. I can understand it in the bedroom, but over drinks on a first meeting? It was a little much. Not to mention the fact that there wasn't really any physical chemistry.
Coffee: Went well enough, though some self-esteem issues obviously present. While it seems she likes me, absolutely dislikes kissing. I don't know about any of you, but... if I want to pursue a relationship with someone, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to kiss them.
At least I don't get stood up constantly anymore! Hopefully I haven't just jinxed myself. :P
2011 in review:
-Said goodbye to a few friends, made a few new ones
-Finished my social work degree
-Started / ended relationships
My new year's post then predicted a loss of socialization due to classes ending. That's been fairly accurate.
-Growth. As soon as I find a full time job, I'll finally be able to "start my life". It looks as though I'll have to move out of province to do it though.
-Aging. In June, I'll turn 30. Something I've been dreading since 25. There's so much that I'd wanted to have accomplished by then, and it doesn't seem like I'll get there.
-Love. There's going to be a relationship in there somewhere. Hopefully it will be a good one.
I'm trying to stay positive, but... feeling kind of low tonight. :(
Happy thoughts, anyone?
After two months of searching, I have managed to score an interview and a job. While nothing is in writing yet, I have been verbally offered the job for the end of the month. It's only casual / part time, but the title is "responsible gambling service coordinator". It sounds like it will deal with gambling addiction issues, but my interviewer noted that there is a lot of downtime (which is nice). With any luck (and no doubt a lot more searching), I'll find something full time.
On the relationship front, it's nice to have someone, but naturally there comes with it the drama of all the life history that doesn't quite mesh. An exacerbating communication factor is that neither of us seem good at saying what we actually want in key moments.
In other news, my improv club that I used to run feels like it's on a backslide. For the moment, things are still running at a fairly high level, but the structure that was sustaining it is starting to drift. Since it's no longer mine, I have to learn to let it go and be okay with whatever happens to it. I'd love to run something myself, but I don't want to look like I'm competing for membership (but that's what it would ultimately boil down to).
Family is... family. Everyone's working hard to just maintain status quo. I know that something will come to a breaking point soon, but what or when that is, we shall have to wait and see to find out.
So, this is generally my favourite holiday of the year. Candy, no cheesy love songs or religious music, and everyone dresses up without thinking twice about looking silly. My outfit this year? A mish-mash of things. If you're on facebook, you might see a photo eventually. :P
Other things going on? I finished my degree. I've been unemployed for 2 months (which is better than some of my classmates). That girl I mentioned that while back? Not cool, and I likely won't have anything to do with her again. Inevitably, a new girl is in the picture. She's super sweet. We'll see how that goes.
So LJ land. What are you dressing up as? Do you have a job for me? What's going on in your world?