|||||Katy Perry - Hot N Cold||]|
Looking back at my dating history, I've traditionally dated far below my level. The girls I've dated have been unremarkable women, unambitious, afraid of the world, and needy with their behaviors. I've always been attracted to the brilliant women, the fiercely independent and strong-willed, but I tend to gravitate naturally towards people who need help because while I've got a lot to give, I also like to feel needed that I'm accomplishing something. I'm a goal-oriented person and when I'm around people, the easiest way to feel like I'm doing something meaningful is to help "fix" a person. Oftentimes this has meant sacrificing my own time and well-being to care for them while they're sick, helping them pull their own weight, and doing what I can to help them dream bigger than they're accustomed and pushing them towards their goals.
Naturally this leaves me completely unsatisfied in the dating department, because I spend my time waiting for the person I'm with to be brave enough to step outside their own particular comfort zone and try genuinely new things. The times I'm having the most fun are the times I'm with someone I care about and having crazy adventures. In my past relationships, I got dragged down into a life of monotony of watching movies, eating at the same places, talking about the same things. True adventures happened once in a blue moon, and usually at my insistence; oftentimes otherwise they lacked spontaneity and were cookie-cutter adventures within a "safe" limit. I watched as my hobbies and interests dwindled because I was accommodating the person I was with, to stay within her comfort zone, because it caused a fight too often to try and do anything different.
Even the movies eventually became repetitive, when we had to watch old favorites instead of gambling on something new. Foreign films were out of the question and the movie styles and plots were usually the same in the movies we did watch. Diversity was lacking, excitement was lacking. Ambition was lacking. Even planning for the future was limited and constrained to either planning a future without my own significant other, or limiting its scope severely to encompass only so much newness as the other could tolerate.
Out of my experiences in these kinds of relationships, I've grown to appreciate the common and the ordinary - I learned what it was to love and just...be. Spending all day doing nothing except being in the other's presence was enough, for awhile at least. I stopped feeling as antsy to do and to accomplish. But when it became the norm...my own drive to go out and do new things also waned. I got out of the habit of inventing my own excitement on a day to day basis, and in my last relationship, I watched my significant other start seeking attention anywhere and everywhere she could get it when it became clear to both of us that we were lacking excitement in our lives, and not because of a lack of effort on my behalf. Our opinions differed on what was exciting too - there was a quote on the board in my 4th grade class that read, "Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, small people talk about other people"; her interests followed in the second two, rather than the first. To explore a concept, to experience something *new*, something bigger than the individual - such is what I was made for, and such was what I craved. But there's no changing that difference in preference - she got distracted by the people and the things and for her, it was all she wanted. And when she did begin to pursue her dreams, she made no effort to include me in her plans the way I'd included her in mine. It was disheartening, embittering, and disappointing, and I often picked fights because of our differing levels of ambition. But I learned my lesson.Everyone seeks happiness in their own particular way. How I've sought it in the past has been unworthy of me, and it's a behavior I've been trying to change for the last year. Extraordinary women are hard to find, though honestly I'm not truly sure what I'd do if i ever had one in my life. Barring a raging psychotic bitch though, pretty much anything would be an improvement. I'm crossing my fingers that the next time I date, I'll have the wisdom to pair myself with someone passionate and turned on to life and living it on her own terms and unafraid. To date, I've met a small number of women I'd deem to be extraordinary (you know who you are!), but for one reason or another it wouldn't work out. Here's my resolution for the New Year though - never settle again!