||[Dec. 13th, 2007|06:33 am]
This has been a painful year, excruciatingly painful. I've lost so much this year. Through the entire year, I just kept feeling that these were trials, that they were a crucible for me to endure. More and more of my supports have been stripped away, things I'd come to take for granted as always being there.|
In January, I lost the woman I loved and never got her back. Since then it's just been torture for her, to never trust me, to never have her think of me in the same way.
In February, my best friend from high school died. A peaceful death in his sleep of epileptic seizure, but a 20 year old friend nonetheless. He was one of the reasons I survived high school.
Over the summer, I lost the friendship of my friends Kurt, Kevin, and Tim because they just didn't want to associate with our old group of friends.
In August, I lost the friendship of the people I'd live with for two years, my best friends. I lost the closeness we shared and now we don't even spend time together.
I've tapped all of economic resources. I'm in debt. I'm a semester away from graduating...maybe. I have student debt, credit card debt, business loans, and rent payments to make.
In the last two months, two of my friends have been raped.
I've had to give up systema and seeing my naturopathist. I lost my job at IBM. I don't do anything fun or meaningful with my life. I have no creativity any more. I have no time to see friends. There's considerable distance between me and the people that I do care about and do have the time to see.
I lost a lot of my time to being brain-dead in the World of WarCraft when I should have been doing things that needed doing.
I failed my Organic Chemistry class due to lack of effort and trying.
I lost my economic and social freedom by tying myself down to the shop. It's liberating to have my own store, where I set my own hours, but I am also obligated to be there, lest I lose the business I need for the business to thrive. But in these cold months, I have no business and I work a second job and move further into debt.
My dreams have been put on hold. I don't have a plan any more. I don't have a direction or a real purpose. I have two meaningless jobs and only the vaguest ideas of what I want to do after college.
In my wake, I've left a trail of broken and hurt people. I manipulated and emotionally abused my girlfriend, I've shattered my best friends, I've lost the respect of the people I care about most, myself included. I've sacrificed important things to keep my pride. I keep making mistakes and screwing over the people I love. I refuse to acknowledge the people who give me everything they have. I'm arrogant, hurtful, hateful, spiteful, cruel. I'm selfish. I don't like the person I am. I keep thinking that just around the corner lies the return to being a good person, but given that I've had these traits with me for most of my life (though I pretend to be a nice guy). The more I want to deal with them, the more I lose the things and people I care about.
I continuously get closer to feeling like I'm hitting rock-bottom. Every time I think I've lost almost everything, I lose something else, and I tighten my grip on what's still left to me. I get mean and possessive and cruel. I've stopped being such a goal-oriented person, but I haven't made any sort of transition to being anything different. I still mistreat people and I still treat them like objects. I'm still cold and detached. I still lash out and blame other people for my problems. I'm still too cowardly to face my fears or become a better person. I don't listen to other people, I don't really feel like I care about their problems, but like I'm just waiting for my turn to talk still.
Every time I feel like I'm making any sort of progress, I lose someone or something I love, or I find I'm doing worse than ever.
How do you repent when you think you're already trying your best? How do you atone for being a terrible person?