Canadian Beaver

(no subject)

I don't know how to explain it. I feel emotionally just drained. I'm not even 6 months into this whole tumour process and I feel just done with it all. Honestly I know it's terrible to say and I know I can't say this to any of my support team but fuck if I fell asleep and that was it I would be okay with that. I'm just so tired of everything.
Canadian Beaver

(no subject)

Every night before I go to sleep I really wish to wake up in my old life. My pre tumour life. I miss that life. I miss it very much. I hate that I will never have that life again
Canadian Beaver

(no subject)

I know I'm supposed to have my positive pants on. I am really trying. I know I should be super pleased with what my neuroligist said about me possibly having decades. The thing is, that's decades living with a giant tumour who may decide to get bigger and take more of me away. I am not okay with that. I don't like this watch and wait bullshit. It may be terrible to say but really I would rather have them try to take it out and fail and I pass away then live with this thing in my head for the rest of my damn life.
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Canadian Beaver

(no subject)

I know I'm supposed to be positive but that's not exactly the easiest thing to do. I saw a new Neurologist today and he thinks things are significantly worse then any of my other doctors think. He tried to get me in to see a new Neurosurgeon today but he wouldn't take me on because technically I have a neurosurgeon. I just feel my neurosurgeon doesn't have enough time for me.

Anyway I am a very lucky girl. I have such a supremely strong support system. I don't want to fall apart though. I am already requiring so much from them.
Canadian Beaver

(no subject)

It's been a damn long time since I've updated this. I don't think anyone is actually reads these anymore. I know I haven't in a very long time.

Anyway I feel like this is a safe location to make a confession. I have a brain tumour. It's a glioma and I've named him Pierre. He sits in my left temporal and frontal lobe. That's about all I know about him so far. I feel like thats all anyone knows about him.

Honestly I'm scared about what this means for the future. I have a lot of questions I need to ask at my next appointment. I made sure I wrote them all down so I don't forget. Forgetting is something I do a lot of.

I miss my old life. I miss the knucklehead kids I took care of everyday. I miss the little squabbles I used to have to break up. I miss the cuddles and the kisses I got. I miss the adventures we used to go on. I miss everything. I get it though, can't really have a nanny that has a brain tumour. I'm too much of a damn risk. I knew I couldn't be their nanny forever I just didn't think it would end in the way that it did.

I'll be okay though. Pierre isn't going to break me.