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I don't know how to explain it. I feel emotionally just drained. I'm not even 6 months into this whole tumour process and I feel just done with it all. Honestly I know it's terrible to say and I know I can't say this to any of my support team but fuck if I fell asleep and that was it I would be okay with that. I'm just so tired of everything.

Sep. 12th, 2015

Every night before I go to sleep I really wish to wake up in my old life. My pre tumour life. I miss that life. I miss it very much. I hate that I will never have that life again
I know I'm supposed to have my positive pants on. I am really trying. I know I should be super pleased with what my neuroligist said about me possibly having decades. The thing is, that's decades living with a giant tumour who may decide to get bigger and take more of me away. I am not okay with that. I don't like this watch and wait bullshit. It may be terrible to say but really I would rather have them try to take it out and fail and I pass away then live with this thing in my head for the rest of my damn life.
I know I'm supposed to be positive but that's not exactly the easiest thing to do. I saw a new Neurologist today and he thinks things are significantly worse then any of my other doctors think. He tried to get me in to see a new Neurosurgeon today but he wouldn't take me on because technically I have a neurosurgeon. I just feel my neurosurgeon doesn't have enough time for me.

Anyway I am a very lucky girl. I have such a supremely strong support system. I don't want to fall apart though. I am already requiring so much from them.
It's been a damn long time since I've updated this. I don't think anyone is actually reads these anymore. I know I haven't in a very long time.

Anyway I feel like this is a safe location to make a confession. I have a brain tumour. It's a glioma and I've named him Pierre. He sits in my left temporal and frontal lobe. That's about all I know about him so far. I feel like thats all anyone knows about him.

Honestly I'm scared about what this means for the future. I have a lot of questions I need to ask at my next appointment. I made sure I wrote them all down so I don't forget. Forgetting is something I do a lot of.

I miss my old life. I miss the knucklehead kids I took care of everyday. I miss the little squabbles I used to have to break up. I miss the cuddles and the kisses I got. I miss the adventures we used to go on. I miss everything. I get it though, can't really have a nanny that has a brain tumour. I'm too much of a damn risk. I knew I couldn't be their nanny forever I just didn't think it would end in the way that it did.

I'll be okay though. Pierre isn't going to break me.

Nov. 7th, 2009

My future husband

he may not know me yet and he might just be married but that doesnt matter


hahahahaha i friggin love Scrubs!!

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