M (_ironclad_) wrote,
M
_ironclad_

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My brain doesn't like me. It's totally official. I'm pretty sure my brain is commandeering my body and using it against me. I'm either really laid back, calm, relaxed, pain-free... OR stressed, thinking about everything (and i mean everything. good, bad, horrible, or great), anxious, and in pain/uncomfortable. It sucks... a lot. I have doctors telling me what's wrong and what's going on but then I have others that are saying that is wrong. Can they just get their shit together and maybe I don't know compromise before I give up on them all.

The doctor's aren't my issue. My brain is. It's an evil vengeful monster that must be stopped! I want a new one, a better one. One that will I don't know help me make SMART decisions. Like that whole "move back to Milwaukee thing" was the WORST idea I could have ever made. Yes, I made pretty okay new friends but it was not worth the weight gain, the loss of the best boyfriend I ever had, and amazing group of friends I had, or the mental distress, and drop in GPA.

I want to go back in time and re-write that part of my life. I wish I had never gone back to that place. It was stupid. I'm 21 years old and I have screwed up hard. People say, "don't worry you'll figure it out it will be okay" and I want those people to shut the fuck up for like a minute. Yes, It'll get figured out eventually and things eventually will be "okay"... maybe. But for right now I hate everything. I have no friends, I don't like meeting new people, i'm at "school" that I hate with a horrible passion, I can't stand the way I look, and nothing makes me happier than sleeping. Let's all get out our DSM IV 's and have fun. And what's funny, is I haven't developed a drinking problem or a drug problem.

I'm done... for now. I was told once I had anger problems, yes they are right. I wish I was someone better than me.
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