wandering through the abyss|
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|Saturday, April 25th, 2009|
im back to writing again, as i find myself further down the spiral that i had anticipated. i seem to have such an odd effect on any man that i attempt to dabble with, and finding one is rare enough. not that i dont get hit on; in fact, more than ever. however, when i do attempt to bed one...he seems to run away after the fact. i offer myself willingly, without strings. you'd think that any man would at least want sex. this is not the case. its as if ive been cursed.
im terribly lonley, and still healing my wounded trust. all i want in the world is to kneel at someones feet and be told that im a good girl. and then beaten bloody for my reward. i want to be in so much physical pain that it makes me forget, for just a moment, of my emotional scars. ive been trying this with work but its not quite enough. i still have to come home to an empty bed and a heavy heart.
how did he hurt me so much? why cant i heal my wounds?
i now shake until i can finally have a whiskey. im also overusing my valium. i need cocaine again. i also think my face has aged 10 years in over the last 9 months which is due to the substance abuse.
i need to get a cat.
|Sunday, April 5th, 2009|
yeah...its been more than awhile. life in the fast lane reached lightening speed. a quick recap of that which is my life:
ive been incredibly broke, and my parent left me in %60,000 debt. i liquidated everything i owned in three weeks and paid off my debts and bought myself a nice (albiet low cost) new car.
i have not been competing due to lack of funds and also that i have no horses. i have been riding other peoples horses, but not competing. basically slave labour. because of that, i am in incredible physical shape due to the extreme amounts of exercise i get on a daily basis. think marathon runner. however, my body cant take much more.
i am now officially a drug addict. on top of the meds my doctor has me on, i'll do whatever i can get my hands on. i try to be drunk everynight, and more often than not pop a few valium a day. its a good thing i left florida, because i dont have a cocaine dealer here yet. this is the first time im being honest about it, but its keeping me going. isnt it funny that as little as five months ago i was totally against all drugs? i dont ever want to be sober again. i can feel my heart freaking out all the time. i get cold sweats and have passed out. i have fits of amnesia and disorientation. all of which dont bother me in the least.
on the plus side, even though i have been out of the ring, my career is doing very well. i am about to start the next phase in my life and im excited. i am literally out on my own and kicking ass! no dating, however. i tried to date this one guy but he stopped called for no reason whatsoever. it lasted a month. guess im not datable anymore. ive changed.
|Sunday, October 26th, 2008|
i just worked for 72 hours straight without sleep. i made it, which was surprising. however, im not doing so well. what is the point of busting my ass? i have no one to come home to. no friends around me because i work too much and im flat broke. at least if i had lots of money then it would be something. or like before. i had a boyfriend that i loved. now i have neither of those things and no time for anything enjoyable. my job loves me, but thats about it.
i doubled my dosage of lexapro but im still here crying my eyes out. i dont know what else to do. i live my life as morally correct as i can, and would never miss an opportunity for lack of effort. everyone around me has found success in some form, yet im still here falling further behind.
|Monday, October 20th, 2008|
and..........just to compare....my girlfriend just posted this one of me....
facebook is awesome. someone just posted a photo album from the hamptons which included a photo taken of my ex boyfriend and the whore he was cheating with at the time. we we were still together when this was shot (and happened to be in attendance!). want to see her hotness?
bitch please. not only is she an unambitious and unintelligent tramp, but shes fucking ugly.
anyway, im now taking lexipro. its an antidepressant and im feeling much better. the pain is there...but now its just in the background. i can finally function normally. i think if i hadnt been put on meds that i would have soon been hospitalized. im not kidding.
|Sunday, October 12th, 2008|
its the evenings that hurt the most. the time when i stop working long enough to feel the silence of loniness. you left me here. you left this mess. how could you have lived knowing that you were breaking me? how could you have told me you loved me while returning home from another? in the end, i was disposable. it was too bad for me that i chose you to love forever; you who so easily threw me away. i cant live with this pain anymore. it burns in the center of my chest. i cant breathe. i want so desperately to be loved by someone, anymone, that i am behaving badly. the dialogue in my head isnt pretty, and probably shouldnt be there in the first place. im tired, so tired.
|Saturday, September 27th, 2008|
|Friday, September 26th, 2008|
why am i watching sex and the city? i mean, ive really wanted to see this movie so i figured id risk the tears. yep, dumb idea. its still hurts. all the time. i cant make it stop. ive almost gone to the hospital three times now.
i dont know what to do. i dont know if im going to make it.
|Sunday, September 14th, 2008|
its not getting better, its getting worse. as the anger fades the pain intensifies. im finding it difficult to complete the simplest tasks, and cry sporatically throughout the day. im beginning to think that i need medication to help me get through. i can rationalize why the relationship wasnt going to work.....but it doesnt stop my anguish. i dont want him back but i just dont understand why im having a total breakdown. im so weak. so so weak.
when will it stop hurting so much? it makes living difficult.
|Wednesday, September 10th, 2008|
why is it that people disappoint you? i find that the longer i exist, the more i realize that my father's pessimism has some merit. he always told me to watch my ass, and not to rely on anyone but myself. he has since softened as he is now happily married (with wife number four), and i really do have some great friends. however, im always surprised when someone lets me down. im starting to believe that its a part of the human condition.
so, my heart is officially dead. and i mean dead. i will never love anyone like i loved him. i dont think i could possibily trust anyone again. i do want to have sex, even some kind of relationship......but i wont give myself anymore.
thankfully, my work life is fantastic
|Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008|
hi. im really busy. im never around, and i never go on the internet.
thats about to change, because my boyfriend just dumped me for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that im not beautiful or rich enough.
im a bit lost at the moment because i had no idea this was comming.
|Monday, August 4th, 2008|
wow....its been awhile! life has gotten the better of me, leaving no time for livejournal! a few tidbits;
i won a grand prix
my job loves me and im working like crazy
boyfriend is great
im poor as always
life without amphetamines isnt possible.
i have irreversable spine dammage with progessive degeneration...aka osteo-arthritis in my neck which is pinching my spinal chord.
most people who i knew back at home wouldnt recognize me anymore. im in such great physical shape that i actually have a six pack and chiseled biceps! i ride so much now that i dont have much time for food, but when i do eat i dont have to diet. im also getting quite a bit of press and respect from many in the horse industry. yes, that means im making it. i was being considered for the canadian national team, since they were going to send a nations cup team to europe for the fall (it has since been cancelled).
if i ever have time i may post again, but you never know with my schedual!
|Wednesday, May 21st, 2008|
so.....i was 2nd in a major grand prix on sunday. some tv program from nyc was filming me all day as well. im also being considered to be on a canadian national team touring eastern europe this fall.
i guess its happening.
|Saturday, April 19th, 2008|
|the email ill never send
i hate this life. im always never good enough, always never rich enough, always never respected enough. im surrounded by people i abhor, in conditions that try my patience. all for what? for that 30 seconds in the show ring on my last remaining horse that i cant afford? i never relax because my mind is always working on how i can be better so i get there. there. where is there? to be rich enough? the be good enough? will the money and success justify it all in the end? as strong as i seem, my sanity is fragile. i think of suicide alot. almost every day. id never do it, but im really scared. this is all i know and i feel like im failing. i see myself acting foolishly but i cant stop myself. my pain is too close to the surface to control anymore. which, in the end, will make me hate myself more. i wish i wasnt so weak. i know i need to stop my mind from its downward spiral but i cant. i dont even have my vanity as a crutch. i certainly dont feel beautiful anymore. in fact, i think ive done a convincing job of faking it in the past. now that i dont have the time or energy to spend on myself i am quite ragged.
which brings me to my second thought; i am desparate to run away with you. i feel like i will never stop loving you and could be with you for the duration of my existance. like no matter what happens, i will always support you and be with you. why, then, am i so anxious for validation of our committment? why do i need that reassurance? am i desparately clinging to traditional values from a lack or fullfilled needs or is it a more romantic notion of true love? i should be satisfied that you love me. what more do i need? but i need more. and i know its wrong.
all of this is a direct result of my consuming passion for my horses. or is it? what if this follows me regardless of my chosen path?
|Monday, April 14th, 2008|
soooo....im still around. ive just been working so much that i dont really have the energy for literary inspiration.
im in new york, i have a new job, and its fucking cold here. its also boring. nothing like going to the beach on a day off....i miss having that option. my friends are far, and i miss them all. i havent seen my boyfriend for almost a month and wont see him again until june. thankfully ive been so busy that the time passes quickly.
im feeling lsot again. im unsure of myself in my new job, but thats so typical of my personality. i consume myself with my need to please. its funny, but i truly am submissive in its entirety. i do well with direction and am lost without it. i will break myself apon the request of another and am incapable of saying no. thats something i need to work on, because saying no once and awhile could save me alot of trouble. i also need to work on standing up for myself and my self worth. demanding my current salary has been good for me in my social development. im so behind in this, as i havent had a job until late 2007. im 28 years old. i know how to ask my parents for money, but not an employer. im getting there. slowly.
one of the benefits of my job; i ride 10 million dollars in horses every day. thats right, every day.
|Monday, March 24th, 2008|
i feel rather lost at the moment, for no reason at all. i dont want to socialize and i dont feel like working. i know i have a fuckload of shit to do this week but i cant get off my ass. i wont sleep in my bed, only the couch with a constant stream of CNN. am i going crazy? have i truly fried my brain? my head isnt right and i wonder if its all the meds. im not quite sure which need is not being met to cause this, but i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get productive. like now, not sit here and type away on livejournal.
|Saturday, March 22nd, 2008|
i think my brain is officially fried. i cant move and i have no motivation. i cant even begin to describe how crazy my life is. i did quit my job, and my new one starts on the 1st. i finish the current one on the 30th. except, im here in florida and my new job is in new york. and i have to drive my truck and trailer to new york. i have twelve ponies waiting for me to ride them apon my arrival, and i dont even know where im going to live. oh, dont forget that i wont have $20 to my name! hopefully i figure it out.