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© -inbetween- 7/05

Shi 9 Oct 13, 7:08pm
My only written thoughts about Marvel Avengers Agents of SHIELD was made in reply to someone, but they never replied, so I lost it. I still absolutely loathe the bland het leads and their cliche lines and actions, the typical Whedon-of-older-days girlie even more than the unbearable square soldier (the older two actors/agents don't make up for that) - but look at the guest stars,

Ian Hart (made esp. frumpy but playing down so very excellently, and cruelly treated by your darling Coulson) and David Conrad (who somehow doesn't get any less attractive ever)!
4 emanations | speak to me

Don't know where to post anymore. 3 Oct 13, 9:36pm
But since my recent use of words led to unfollowing, I'll do it here again, where I don't notice the unfriending.

Tonight was our latest vernissage - I presume. The "artistic head" is genuinely just another parasite out for his own, (ab)using the set-up to promote his own instead of our work, and doing less than nothing. The only bad thing is that no matter what I (don't) do, he's got it in for me. I try so hard not to think of him, but couldn't stop thinking of ANY way to better all our situation. Since his boss is just like my boss and both their aides also adapted to the parasitic way - I knew six of the boys in that job so far, and this is the first rude stuck up ass that is no co-incidence nor is how many artists have left that IS the dick heads fault! - they all keep each other safe, siphon off the meagre funds and you can't imagine ...

I did wash my hair especially, during the day, which is hard work for me, and make the gigantic anxious effort to go there tonight, 90 minutes early in case I could help (ha ha ha stupid stupid -i-) but nobody at all was there.

Just the two aides ignoring my greeting and chatting, the whole building deserted and dark. I couldn't even secretly do ceramics, it was so freaky. I called three of the other artists, and they all didn't pick up or call me back. No guests either.

After an hour I left, days and nights and 4 weeks wasted and the dreaded confrontation now pushed further ahead and made worse by me not having been there. I would have loved it if nobody at all came but maybe some did, later? Will they ever let me know? I waited a whole hour and only polished my piece with some leather, not with the shoe polish I had especially brought.


(like my life haha)
5 emanations | speak to me

3 Oct 13, 1:05am
we had an earthquake tonight. since Kendra got up at the same time, I wondered if she managed to so strongly push my chair. I felt dizzy and it shook a bit longer, but Kobold was so calm on my lap that I didn’t believe it really was a quake
#it was #cats #-i-m more sensitive than one

To those who drive cars especially those driving with gears and clutches: if it has ABS, would using the handbrake (together with the normal brake or slightly before) stop the car better/faster than just the foot pedal brake? Or what would happen? In a big car, one of those high ones, but not a landrover suv? things. I have forgotten, but vaguely remember that the seemingly more powerful normal foot pedal brakes felt "softer" than the tight metal pull of a handbrake.

And what if the car was set on automatic speed? Different reaction then?

No, I can't let go, and if it would have helped, I'd like to know for the future, not be placated. THANKS!
7 emanations | speak to me

29 Sep 13, 3:14pm
» mood: lonely

My last plan for survival just failed; for weeks, I'd intended to go to the pre-Nano meeting in my city today. Not as the (former) ML, just someone meeting normal people. Ideal time, since I have nobody at all and see or speak to nobody ever and esp. Sundays are hell.
But reviving my deleted account made me see that that mobbing clique is STILL there and still reigning; even with my other persona, they behaved like the self-adoring pricks they are. And now I'm here on this grey-as-always day, continuing my quiet slip into insanity.

I had thought of somehow getting the police to take away the driving license from my father. But having to take the lessons and exam again would simply be no use. I guess he's technically still capable, but was never able to learn anything new (well maybe from a man he wants to be friends with) and he would not stop the dangerous hog driving nor notice red lights and animals even after another exam, would he?! And the parents could not exist without the car, although it would have been good to have mother's tiny peasant house out of bounds in my childhood. To have that useless little house rob every single weekend, to have it still be a constant double chore without any pay off ... it would be good but it would hurt her like losing me, I guess. And again I think a shock like that might be good, while he used to say it would kill her.

I just don't know what to do. His luck will run out. Could I even get his license revoked? I guess not, plus he is in higher standing (in the home town anyway) than me.

I would like to meet new people :(

2 emanations | speak to me

This may not be a book review: 31 Aug 13, 8:14pm
"Diana Wynne Jones Confirmed That -i-m Cursed"

One of you might remember that my former GP had once said that I (aka my family tree) must have had a curse put on it some generations ago. It's a good anecdote.

Except that today at 6 pm, pausing in my reading of my very last (prev. unread) Diana Wynne Jones books, I realised I was trapped inside a bad spell / fate. I*d never ever considered anything like that before (quite apart from not believing in anything supernatural).

It suddenly made complete sense of my life like nothing else did. Look at see how DWJ uses real interpersonal dynamics and problems people face over their lifespans, and that special feeling of helplessness in a society offering no hope of help, from abused children to neglected octogenarians. It's no special new message, we all know that one needs friends and family to survive, vitamin R gets you jobs, dirty politics and genuine health and well-being all depend upon your fellow (hu)man(s), no matter how many philosophies try to teach us to live independently.

So I can't even describe HOW THIS DIFFERS right now, for me, except that it all makes (narrative) sense, this impregnable bubble of bad karma keeping me entrapped, tainting every relationship, making me look like a scowling monster when afraid and sad and small, worsening my situation with every attempt I make to breach its hull, be it doing nothing, trying to be extremely good or trying to fight.

The weakness of DWJ's book is always the Chrestomanci-ex-machina for me ... and since he doesn't exist, I can never break free ... but for a minute it was like a real epiphany.
speak to me

"medieval" is easily misunderstood 16 Aug 13, 11:22pm
» mood: excrement

police surveillance at work*

rape-culture misinformation on tumblr

my eye has started twitching again, won't stop throbbing

nobody to talk to, nothing -i- could do, but too sore to go to bed

ps: unless it was another one, the colibri moth came back, and it can unfurl its snout fine

* sheboss, whom I haven't actually seen in weeks, first asked if it was free, if the police surely wouldn't charge us for protection, and then made me write to the chairman, possibly because she's proud of it, maybe she can claim more money, no, surely not, she's way safer here than back in C.

speak to me

one more reason why -i- shouldn't have plants 12 Aug 13, 8:43pm
» mood: stupid

My cat just broke a colibri's nose. I think.

None of us expected it to hover in so slow and near, Kendr's swipe was a sluggish pat, but something thin seemed angled sideways as it flew off. I'll google what insect that is again, but it's worse if soft tissue.

I'll never get her inside again now, and she might really jump to her stupid death.

speak to me

the small issue 10 Aug 13, 10:02pm
» mood: Gerhard Richter

That vile albino orc from Abercrombie / Hollister might be the only one to say it, but all the clothing stores now have clamped down on anybody over a very skinny young adult size. I know that even if properly tailored / nice / designed stuff wouldn't fit me, I could always wear LOGG and the likes, even if anything like Zara or Esprit or Mango or whatnotthefucketc. was unattainable boutique to me (when I just learned they are considered cheap high street chain stores, and that some of their cuts might sometimes fit if they graciously decide to have it in XL aka "medium" in the past).

But H+M, which I avoided due to their ugly beige rags for a decade or so, simply won't allow anything human sized. "None of our products go to (eleven)". The current shop "assistants" can't even remember a time when that hadn't been the case. I searched the whole city for that elusive store with "Plus" sizes, and it was just one fucking measly rack in a back corner. No wonder I saw three women wear my blouse in one week, when in my life so far I never met ppl wearing the same clothes.

Never mind all the formerly "Big is Beautiful" clothes were always uglier and always less flattering than if something had just been continued up a few sizes. After all, the few specialised large size shops I know have nothing that isn't ugly and old-fashioned, newly designed every year to add insult to injury.

But they are ALL PURPOSELY EXCLUDING normal sized women, when they hadn't in the past. Scum like me shouldn't even taint their floor space. They would cast me out, if only they had ever expected such an outrage at me asking for normal sizes. (Peek + C. have security men at the doors, is that for this reason??) Better put a paper bag over my head as well, before I try to buy socks.

(image only emotionally related)

4 emanations | speak to me

there went my last hope 4 Aug 13, 9:47pm
Ironically, I lost not only a whole show and fandom, but also friends who liked other British shows and will now start watching DW for all the calculated reasons. Ironically, and in atypical fashion, absolutely everyone is deliriously happy about the new Doctor, except (fuckinghellwhydoesithavetobe) me.

I couldn't believe it. But he's actually been the known contender.
16 emanations | speak to me

Has your cat ever jumped in the air upon taking a bite of food? 31 Jul 13, 10:14pm
» mood: scared

And then spat it out as if venom stung/burned her and inched away?

I wondered if she’s maybe hurt the inside of her mouth or tongue, but I can’t see anything and she does eat grass (and forbidden leaves) and wet food. But she now hits into the bowl when she even smells the dry food, even if everything is fresh, and it’s not (just) an act (this time). It’s like the dry food was alive and stung her, and now I can’t get her to try it again because of the taste and smell. The other eats it. Is there any other explanation than a lesion? I really can’t buy a fourth type of food for her now :(

She drinks enough, as usual, they are both really good about that. They always preferred dry to wet food, she esp. likes to chew and crunch.
She isn’t drooling or having problems yawning and she always had very good teeth and gums :(

#cats #-i- just don't know what to do #on top of it all

speak to me

stop me if you think that I've said this last year as well but 28 Jul 13, 11:03pm
» mood: throbbing + wet

right now
it's hotter here than in most of Africa

it's the hottest in Europe
that makes no sense

the thunderstorms have been postponed
which will only make them angrier
and less effective

how does one "enjoy the summer"!?!?!?*
always wet but never in the splashy fun way
-i- know -i-m problematic (body and mind) but -i- blame america and japan for this literal hell

* enname is naturally disqualified from answering this

13 emanations | speak to me

"DON'T STOP talking." 13 Jul 13, 8:58pm
It's actually way way too late to post this (here), but:

There are lists of advice about how to behave with emotionally/mentally ill friends floating around tumblr. But I’ve been thinking what to tell a nice girl who kept worrying, and this is my single advice. Considering my history, I should have nutshelled this sooner, because every person we lose tips the balance further.

It sounds simple, but to NOT STOP (communicating with a less and less entertaining friend) is actually impossibly hard. Because you get frustrated and (still) feel you’re not helping or making any difference, and at some point you stop. But then the difference is visible, because the abyss around the suffering (ex-)friend widens.

You don’t need to try to be a therapist or a nurse, just talk normally, especially if the sufferer finds it harder and harder to talk normally themselves. You DO make a difference, even if it doesn’t seem so.

#anxiety #depression #fear #life #That might not go for some Borderline cases I know #but in my experience and opinion it's vital otherwise. #See also what Abed said in Community.

I realise the irony of comment locking this, but I do not want to appear to be fishing.

postcard from beyond 8 Jul 13, 7:27pm
» mood: beyond petrified

Having super-humanly managed not to tell you how my abyss is shredding me, I now post a superficial platform meta complaint:


As if the useless new home page weren't bad and unpopular enough, they now send out drones to force us to subscribe to POPular blogs. LJ manages to take on the worst of tumblr, which in turn just goes worse - and can spam as directly on our flist/dashboard, which LJ so far can't (except with ads, which I don't see). It's absolutely frightening how supposedly youth oriented and also created-by-youngsters platforms enforce CONFORMITY.

The establishment wasn't as bad as this. Osmosis-acquired psychology knowledge reminds me that esp. teenagers need identification, but do they forget about seperation at the same time? Is it because it's all American?

No wonder I'm now abused for being unfeminine yet again, but this time because it's unfemiNIST. FTS. If that's not an acronym, it should be.

1 emanation | speak to me

ps: it just got colder than at Christmas here, drop from 40 to 14 degrees Celcius 24 Jun 13, 9:57am
tumblr circulated a few posts about solidarity with Turkey, perhaps not quite understanding that the situation there is very different to Egypt etc. and how powerful a country it is, but at least everyone'll have heard of the brutally disbanded demonstations.
But in my own city, about 10.000 Turks just protested FOR Erdogan. They left Turkey 'for good', but they chant how much they love him and how good he is for their country - "the new generation of the Ottoman empires" (sic)". A ten times smaller counter demonstration featured mostly women.
In case you sometimes notice the bitterness towards the people I have to live with day-in, day-out, please think of this small example.
speak to me

this is just to not tell you that I'm paralysed with fear and crying every waking minute now 18 Jun 13, 11:20pm
There's still no app you hum into which tells you which piece of (instrumental) music you are looking for, right? At least not on a computer? I youtubed all Schubert symphonies and string quartetts in Minor, but nothing was that dramatic "down" piece that I heard again on the street the other day and maybe even at an opera, no, that can't be, but I know I had the aha-effect somewhere, and it should have been Death atm or the Hungarian thing, but it is neither. I can't even write notes well enough, and I can't even hum the complicated bit that I hear clearly in my head.


(slightly higher)

(third repeat variation)

(then the complicated bit where the strings cross all over and tumble down together, after previously the high ones rose while the chelli? grounded further down.
8 emanations | speak to me

Is it me? 15 Jun 13, 10:32pm
Penultimate play was lepage s $pades., and just as boring and flat and insignifcnt and andbadreally as the other 4, incl oz hit 't wild duck'. Audience feels same bt is trickd by (paid?) critics. Slow t clap, they keep going id actor reapear, bt one can feel dif.e ! Shht. Did u see either? Alienated more tan ever, i gt snubd by my seatneibour after 3 hnurs when i wantd to stupidly chat on empty train we also shard-nn cant reply frm phone,ttyl. Tomoro is crimp s 'writen on skin.' Very last chance. For it and me ,re pic 4 studio.
speak to me

how deep have 13 Jun 13, 10:53pm
» mood: undead

Years ago, when I realised I spent my birthday every year at the doctor's, it seemed I had reached the low point of my life-less eternal OAP existence.

Now I just caught myself writing a medium-length detailed email to the local transport authority about a particular train journey taking much longer than suggested (when usually their suggestions are longer than the journeys take).

As long as I still post about it, there's hope?


3 emanations | speak to me

to do 8 Jun 13, 11:20pm
» mood: completely alone

Just in case I don't (bets on I won't): draw a sketch of those real life Daleks I saw the other day. They were Saudi Arabians - the rich one come in droves and stay for at least three months each summer - but nothing looks more like a big black Dalek than a woman in a Burqa filming with a video camera, srsly, hands-in-gloves, crooked arm, you only see the large video camera protroding from the head area, and can you see the head-moves necessitated by the limited field of vision?

I just headducksmiled and was too stupid/shy/non-invasive to shoot a photo (of them filming all of us from the safety of their Dalek armour), didn't even dare look properly to not seem rude but srsly, I wish you could have seen.

Secondly, long slender table legs, with ankles, that end in antiqu-y wheels which are attached at the 45 degree angle, ie. not right in the middle but also not right at the outer rim. The only good thing about tonight's play.

This famous Frenchman only ever hires actors from Germany or France, and I'm so glad he finally leaves after DECADES of heading the theatre festival and immortalising further "the woman", ie. very small and very thin and very painted and very underdressed "ideals" who generally lust after/love a fat old bald man, who is disinterested and the only real person and human and whatnot. I'll never forgive them for the press text of an Osborne(?) play that said "Sevigny doesn't act, she IS woman, the ideal mother whore saint, and the younger son samples her right away" - this SAMPLE was never in quotation marks, it was repeated everywhere as a natural fact, woman is a ware one FUCKING SAMPLES hur hur or not even hur hur, this is art, and she loves becoming the whore for a whole family of men, after all, this is woman.

ETA: tonight it was oh so funny how a woman tried not to get raped in Tartuffe; slapper is his fav look and wasn't slapper a bad word before the fasion.

On tumblr, I'm being told it is none of my business and I shouldn't comment on either of the two things I just did. Possibly LJ wanks would have featured that statement as well, but I think even at its worst, that simplification wasn't all (and I never was a fan).

My stomach aches are back/never stopped, same as hunger. I wish I had taken a photo of that table leg - I took pics of empty stages for the last few years, cp. my band photo mania in my former life, but I was far back and walked out when they started clapping.

speak to me

Fffff, the sequel 5 Jun 13, 9:49pm
» mood: desperate (but not serious? was that Adam Ant?)

Haven't even dared look at your replies to my last. That was the equivalent of drunk posting. Not that I'm feeling any different now. I waited until it was very dark again to half-repot half the damage and leave the rest with half-torn roots pushed back into soil in a tangle now - three hours of work and I still can't stop my stomach ache about S. All I managed is mess and pain and blood and Kendra getting desperate for my lap. Yesterday I saw the most boring (non?)play ever; there were also plants involved. And a big mole. Made me realise I've now reached a level of despair where I would watch ppl dressed as animals ... with more pleasure than just people ... the Zooniverse suddenly looked tempting ... wtf!

speak to me

Fuck 4 Jun 13, 1:24am
Cant sleep. Cant repot broken plant survivor7 in dark btu dead by morning. Maybe if i had torch in teeth. Broke alarm i fear, hands were numb,always in bed. But why did i have to acidntialy think time was off, why have to look out window when storms hadnt damaged tat square pot before, why dig with one bleeding finger, only break only plant left bt why nt repot- instead phönetype. Cats no excuse. Bt
cudnt dècide were to put plant in m6nths of daylite before,how cud i at 2 am?Fuck. Wind ,..no friend.
6 emanations | speak to me

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