κάτι τρέχει στα γύφτικα (_inbetween_) wrote,
κάτι τρέχει στα γύφτικα
_inbetween_

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Happiness is a piece of shit

Has anybody seen the movie "Sex Traffic" with John Simm? The scene where the first sister starts to get raped "in", in some side-room/cupboard off the bar/livingroom is constantly in my head now, not because I compare myself with such a horrific situation, but because her disbelief, shock and disbelief (or the viewer's) nearly outweighed the pain and horror. And that's how I felt ever since Kobold started dying.

Happiness is literally a piece of shit, because liquid = lethal for cats.

Kendra started doing solids though, and went straight into constipation again (I'm sure my own ignored gastro-intestinal disorder, never mind stress, all infected her as well). She is still alive but she brings me neither comfort nor joy. -i- love her but -i- was weeping whenever -i- see the places Kobold used to be but ever since that second/third day, -i- also don't miss Kobold at all, can't remember her - it's like she never existed! I can't even do the stages of grief right! I have constant fear panic anxiety (disorder?) as well now. Kendra is also still afraid, although the violent spasming of her nightmares got a little less. I know of sudden child death, and that parents fear for human children, but I also know of the 10 years of nightmares after losing my first/previous black cat, and while I'm meant to get over my thrice-daily fear of Kendra also having died (at least that fear, at least that one), old traumas suddenly resurfaced and torture me. As do S and s. I have no mental/emotional/psychological help. I'm also still in physical agony every single morning waking up as well, haven't been able to turn in bed since January. We get used to everything. That's why they raped the girls in.

Happiness is a piece of shit. That's a good T-Shirt slogan; right? It's a quadruple-entendre anyway.


Just wanted to let you know - had written this in my head ages ago and wasn't sure if anybody was still waiting. Thank you for reading.
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