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© -inbetween- 7/05

GPOY 11 Jan 15, 8:29pm
It's been 10 months since Kobold died, and since I was last here. I also got fired, and at least one new disorder, bled a lot, and had three little operations, but the one thing that made me write here again is that

I just destroyed the 2-storey cat-house I had made Kendra and Kobold 7 years ago. I desperately need space, but there's other stuff, like 2 t of unread, printed out fanfic to throw out, and the cats (I got a new cat for Kendra, that didn't work either) still loved it, they even ran after it as I dragged it out, climbed into it ... in the garbage room now, I could hardly rip the re-inforced windows (to prevent them from eating it like the first model) or crush the structure to fit into the bins, it was incredibly sturdily built.

It was a very stupid thing to do, that I had calmly considered for weeks now - first took away her roof/carpet, then tore the old tape off that seam - and that I'm now unseemly upset about.

LJ is the only place linked to my past life - back then, I had posted the pictures of my box construction (can't remember what I used a hammer for to work on cardboard but I did) - so dear online diary, unlike during the many traumatic months I didn't bother you about, I have to say ... I'm worried about me.

I often wonder what other LJers are doing that quietly disappeared?

How many are still alive, who hopefully found RL occupations and such? I used to read every single private post of everybody (don't want to type Imissedyou because that's too cheesy). I haven't heard from my flist for 10 months, and I just saw a couple of you are still posting regularly, but it must be more unusual to even return.

Thank you for listening.

(Livejournal, you... look frightening, btw, a tumblr or Facebook clone? You don't want me back, do you).
9 emanations | speak to me

memento mori 10 Apr 14, 6:55pm
Sorry, forgot to add some actual pieces of information:

The autopsy had found nothing (colon completely empty) but neither did the pathology/toxology/histology. They examined tissues, organs, even her little brain. So I'm plagued by imagined images of knives in her soft warm tender fur for nothing. Everything in her world came through me, so even if I did nothing wrong, her death was my fault.

Her little wooly head, that would always bump me genuinely tenderly in the face. Her smiling in the hammocks that Kendra will never use. Her suicidally stupid urge to pull at handles of hot cups of tea resting above our laps.

She was never a good jumper - she wanted so much on that glass shelf of her sister's, but she never even seemed to try. Yet she did jump on the window when I removed the box in the last year, so she could have. And she always jumped over (on top of?) Kendra when they were running for food, which was so funny and cute and esp. because she seemed a stolid wombat otherwise, except in that sheep-jump. And then they would trot side-by-side to the food place. Where Kendra refuses to eat now, as she refuses the 1-year-in-the-works special ceramic station.

Kendra now need parmesan on everything, if she eats it at all. I can't afford the 300 percent fat Recovery vet food, which is the only thing she decided she would eat now (that and venison - just like last time, when she only ate another vet food which she now refuses, just like all the other food I bought). It has to be held in a glass bowl in my hand, so it still looks like it's out of my hand.

I will try hard to shut up now.
6 emanations | speak to me

Happiness is a piece of shit 9 Apr 14, 11:15pm
» mood: how is it possible to get more alone than alone

Has anybody seen the movie "Sex Traffic" with John Simm? The scene where the first sister starts to get raped "in", in some side-room/cupboard off the bar/livingroom is constantly in my head now, not because I compare myself with such a horrific situation, but because her disbelief, shock and disbelief (or the viewer's) nearly outweighed the pain and horror. And that's how I felt ever since Kobold started dying.

Happiness is literally a piece of shit, because liquid = lethal for cats.

Kendra started doing solids though, and went straight into constipation again (I'm sure my own ignored gastro-intestinal disorder, never mind stress, all infected her as well). She is still alive but she brings me neither comfort nor joy. -i- love her but -i- was weeping whenever -i- see the places Kobold used to be but ever since that second/third day, -i- also don't miss Kobold at all, can't remember her - it's like she never existed! I can't even do the stages of grief right! I have constant fear panic anxiety (disorder?) as well now. Kendra is also still afraid, although the violent spasming of her nightmares got a little less. I know of sudden child death, and that parents fear for human children, but I also know of the 10 years of nightmares after losing my first/previous black cat, and while I'm meant to get over my thrice-daily fear of Kendra also having died (at least that fear, at least that one), old traumas suddenly resurfaced and torture me. As do S and s. I have no mental/emotional/psychological help. I'm also still in physical agony every single morning waking up as well, haven't been able to turn in bed since January. We get used to everything. That's why they raped the girls in.

Happiness is a piece of shit. That's a good T-Shirt slogan; right? It's a quadruple-entendre anyway.

Just wanted to let you know - had written this in my head ages ago and wasn't sure if anybody was still waiting. Thank you for reading.

3 emanations | speak to me

23 Mar 14, 11:37pm
Read more...Collapse )

22 Mar 14, 9:39pm
» mood: catatonic

Getting out of touch with LJ and you, my LJ friends, was never intended and I always wanted to change that. I'm sorry that those treasured few of you still here get only sadness. I'm disabling comments on this because I don't want to pressure you ... and I will need your support maybe even more soon.

KendraCollapse )

my sun my moon my east my west 20 Mar 14, 3:58pm
» mood: so alone

that line makes literal sense now

Kobold was my satellite, always around or above or beneath me
-i- already missed her physically just when -i-m at work
even at the zoo

she was the quiet one
the tiny squeaks that already amused as a kitten never turned into meows
(except when later on she really really tried to be heard, then it was very rusty squeaky yowling; even when one inadvertently hurt her she wouldn't make a sound the stupid little bear)

she loved to lie under my only curtain, the lace like a mantilla over her head
she wouldn't run around (other than as described yesterday), but her short arms could shoot out with perfect aim and precision to catch something

Kendra has stopped looking and started crying
she went into the death carrier and she just sits and stares at me, no longer listening or searching, just uncomprehending looks at me, waiting for me to bring back her life mate
she s not even greeting me at the door

-i- can t eat yoghurt or anything anymore
-i- understand now why couples split up after the death of their child, rather than help and find comfort in each other

my hands miss Kobold
my arms miss her
my chest misses her
my legs miss her

The autopsy hasn't found anything that could have caused her dying; my only hope is the oncology (toxology? brain and organ samples) now.

Thank you so much, grey and K, for your understanding and sympathy.

16 emanations | speak to me

my child is no more 19 Mar 14, 11:14pm
The world has just gotten twice as dark and twice as empty.

Kobold wasn't old, and she'd never really been sick.

I'd been to the vet yesterday, because they'd both been hangdog a day, then better, then the runs, once lots of vomit; but there was nothing to be found wrong and she was eating and playing and stretching languorously again all evening.

And this morning, after trying to ignore Kendra yowling for hours before the alarm, as she sometimes does for boredom, the whole flat was covered in vomit and shit again.

I finally found Kobold under a shelf, in her own urin, on her side, eyes wide open and staring, unmoving. When I tried to touch her, or Kendra came close, she yowled and hissed and flailed one paw.

The vet was short-tempered at me calling early and repeatedly, and my parents (whom I should not ever ask for anything ever again etc.) had to drive in from their county yet again, while I walked crying in the rain to the bus with the wailing suffering cat.


It all ended with me five hours later, handing a cardboard box with a small carcass covered in the most beautiful thick long soft silky black fur to a man who looked like a cartoon butcher, behind whom my terrified eyes saw scenes I look away from on crime shows. Heaps of blood and guts on steel tables, a whole room full of them, and the stench ... it was unbelievable that you walked in and that was it, no barrier, not even a wall behind that "receptionist" who had either a vest or an open shirt over his sagging hairy boobs.

I had regretted not stuffing, or hell, even eating, my last black cat. It's sheer horror to imagine her ending up like the other gore now.

When she died, there was no change. She'd been staring like that for hours. I kept stroking her. I asked the vet in disbelief if that poison injection really only took five seconds, and then to give me the same.

I'm so calm. Somehow the tears haven't stopped for hours, but I'm so calm. It can't be real. It took me ten years of nightmares after losing my last black cat. Every backpack, every mount of clothing, EVERY SHADOW looks like her.

We don't know why she died.

Kendra is a dead weight on me, and I wait for her to die as well. I've said often I dreaded that she wouldn't cope with losing her Kobold, but I hadn't expected her disbelief, her WAITING, looking, walking around, listening, looking at me. Waiting in vain.

I got her for "free", but her death cost me 500,- Euros.

The skin on my cheeks really hurts but it won't stop running although I'm so calm. Good riddance. I can get young kittens now. Or I should get rid of the other one as well, make a clean slate, it's not possible to have this loose end. My little bear, who walked like a wombat rather than a cat-walk cat. Who greeted me at the door every single time, waiting for a welcome pat/petting. Who came wobble-belly running at the faintest sound of the tinfoil of yoghurt being opened. Who galloped even faster from the toilet, always always trying to outrun her poo (a surprisingly successful move, apart from the times I had to pay for it). Who loved to sit in the window and on my lap and really really loved to be massaged and head-butted me and once poured hot tea over both of use because she would always reach out and grab whatever her pawsies could. I had just bought her a second radiator-bed (Kendra won't use them but who knows how soon she'll be dead).

I wish I could have shown you photos, but she was hard to take. I boguht that expensiv camera to shoot her and i never could start to use it.

That constant feeling of guilt intensified rather than stopped, and I know this is only the beginning.

She was my Kobold.

HELP 19 Feb 14, 7:21pm
Do you know anybody who will be in Budapest next week?

I ask this every year, and every year the sheer terror of going increases. I hardly ever post here, and even fewer read here :) but please, let me know if you have a single soul for me to survive this ordeal.

I'm not exaggerating, don't romanticise what happened in Budapest ...

*tries to win you over with Avengers but is serious*
4 emanations | speak to me

unedited dump of something -i- meant to ask you before today 19 Jan 14, 11:09pm
» mood: self-loathing

do you remember those 3 european hostages freed from al qu’da a few years ago? they told of the "sound torture" meant to convert them to the qu’ran, which (il)logically was played to them in arabic 24/7, something that stuck in my memory, esp. since it made me realise what had been going on at the office … i thought sherif had given up, but he recorded lots of music from the internet the other night and - no matter how much even another man protests - he plays it at full volume all day now. (eta: while leaving me alone at the stand, unable to even go to the loo, for 3-4 hours, to be jeered at with "oh why do you look tired? heheheh))
an't move coz my hips and back locked upbut mostly -i- wish -i- could get those songs out of my head somehow argheven at home at night they rotate in my headit's always the same few words for five minutes or so you know?to think -i- really loved bhangra which is technically a bit similar?

eta: i will send it to nn, who will never have to experience my circumstances.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/14/everything-is-wrong_n_4589690.html ->

Genuine question: are those wrongs an American or international thing? I can’t believe I’m doing so many things “right” that “everyone” else supposedly does the wrong way? OTOH I keep being told to not overthink so others do prefer doing it their thoughtless way so that must be what most do ...

The less obvious, more life-hacky Things You Do Wrong made me wonder about national habits - how can she screech EW YUCK BODILY FLUIDS BOIL YOUR SHEETS yet only cold rinse her bras and even "panties"? Even if she wears panty liners, there's all the folds and creases in skin the skinniest model has, and although I know shops and fashion dictate not to wash what women wear against their fluid leaking bodies, after all those years it still hurts my brain trying to figure this out. I know most people wash like that, despite other articles explaining only 60 degrees Celcius will kill of the ecolli etc. in your underpants, so tell me your reasoning please.

Women know they leak. So how does this work :/ the bra also covers where one sweats between shoulderblades and so on and so forth. Maybe the perv Japanese selling girls undies to men simply go to the logical conclusion of throw-away underwear ... *babbles by now but feels genuinely outcast

eta: erm wtf, how can I type in under what name and category I want this in my memories?!?!?!

2 emanations | speak to me

Sherlock s03 (the whole thing really but just now) e03 12 Jan 14, 11:09pm
» mood: briefly not anxious or sad

I can't remember ever having been so moved and positively surprised.

This normally doesn’t happen.

If there are two options, okay and bad, I usually don’t get a completely unexpected best!

Pitch-perfect down to every detail, and despite the bone-deep satisfaction each twist manages to give, it even all makes sense.

*won't read any LJ posts, just in case*

2 emanations | speak to me

Daniela??? 28 Dec 13, 6:03pm
Another one! Just now!

She called me name at the train station and I knew her face and we did the heeyyyy and 10-20-years? and half an hour chatting and at the end of it I still had no idea what her name was nor which of my two subjects she had studied with me. I did remember her skinned bleeding beds of nails and the way she spoke and that there was another girl of similar height and also with dark brown hair who also studied one or both with me (in fact there was a third girl with long dark curly hair I was friends with, I had no best friend at uni and hardly any contact with anybody at all).

So I tried the trick of asking after her surname via asking her phone number, but she just said she hadn't married. Still, the surname triggered two possible first names. And also I was sure after a while I had been on holiday with her. To Scotland. Big huge deal. Was that why we had broken contact completely?

More time dragged as I learned more about her current life and her successful job histories and what not. Hearty farewells and alls wells ...

... and now I just remember that she was my friend, okay best friend for lack of more soul partnery people, and we studied both subjects together and even a four semester extra course about cultural management. And the women in that group mobbed me out behind my back. And she had been in the group and had not warned me not even hinted anything and let me walk into one of our weekend meetings to hear they had all decided to throw me out and I could travel back to my hometown again that was all bye.

Have you read Erich Kaestner "Doppeltes Lottchen" or seen one of the films about those twins that swap places once they find each other, Lindsay Lohan in "Charlie + Louise"! - and the introverted twin takes too long to realise she was schmoosing with the bad girl her twin always had had to slap (except I also wondered if I'd been rude to my exfriend until just now).
speak to me

13 Dec 13, 9:36pm
Just got a new follower -> now I daren't post what I just wanted to, ie. that I'd really really really need someone to chatter with right now (surely also later on but right now is when the complete absence of anybody and loss of everyone is unbearable enough to need a little light exaggerated emo posting). Gotta wait till they stopped watching my tumblr closely.

My cats are seriously fighting, with biting. The last gift vouchers my old friends gave me expire this week. The online business demands a fucking fax coz they can't find my payment. S staid home fucking four days this week because he overheard all the docs appointments I ought to have taken, and I fucked up a talk about it and he glows selfrighteously (via sheboss being a heathen thief) at my expense.

The bump on my forehead will stay forever. If I don't want to remain elephant person the rest of my "life", I will actually have to get a cosmetic operation. After decades of me condemning and hating all such stuff, even WHILE saying I will do one as a last resort, I will seriously have to have one. Even though the docs think with my face, it isn't worth just removing that lump.

But none of this can excuse me just having eaten the whole 11 Euros worth of chocolate.
speak to me

fire - I'll take you to **** 28 Nov 13, 11:39pm
» mood: really not doing it on purpose

Last night, the cats saved our lives. I think. It's so unreal and banal, but then so did it feel when the flames really broke out and grew higher and higher, that first time. It feels more unreal because in the last week I've turned on the wrong hot plate so many times and singed and melted boxes and what-not. I know how dangerous it is to even heat one plate on the papergreasegluemountains in my kitchen.

So I'm posting this here for myself. My cats are crap smoke alarms; even during the day when I knew I had something on the stove, they didn't alert me, ever. If the frying hot candle wax hadn't sizzled and if I hadn't happened to watch the cats at that very moment as they twitched their ears, twice in a row, it would have burned through the enamel pan in the end? Years ago I was still cooking and busy on LJ, now it's really just idiocy.

So I feel thrice-as-bad for having succumbed to thirst and gingerly opened my water bottle. Despite knowing it, they both fled off my lap.

(Maybe having dropped a full cup of tea on the floor from our chair here two days in a row made them jitter. They also don't even try out their new most expensive drinking fountain.)

2 emanations | speak to me

THAT S WHAT QUEEN ELIZABETH ACTUALLY SAID herself STOP HATING ON an educated writer 24 Nov 13, 12:46am
This is different to SGA. It seems the same dynamics but it isn't.

Because the DW fandom is currently too stupid to understand even half of any given episode.

There is no discussion or even argument possible (and don't come to me with postpostpostmodern textual interpretation) - they just know too little of anything, life, the universe, history, literature, culture, people, anything - they are incapable of understanding it.

And they used to say DW has to be simple enough for the adults and complicated enough for the kids. *sigh*

It was never fun to be the only one to understand and agree with the teacher. Being right could never be enjoyed,

Maybe history will prove me and the other 2 percent right; but we know history is written by the victors - EVEN IF THEY DON'T KNOW IT becausetheyaresobloodyignorant
11 emanations | speak to me

9 Nov 13, 9:25pm
» mood: why don t you talk ernestine

finished hyperboleandahalf s book. unlike her stories about depression, which should be mandatory reading for psycholonalists it s depressing overall. i miss so many good stories and wonder about who made the selections for the new ones.

just smacked kendra. will never get rid of the guilt. she was biting off the computer cable again when she couldn t chase kobold off my lap for once. she already ruined everything else today, despite food and treats and cuddles and game and outside stint AND

today i bought her a huge glass vase. i could have gotten a wash cloth or a candle for my voucher, but i saw this large flat round wheel of a vase and knew she would immediately pour herself into it. (except i didn t let myself get that one but a thinner taller one, because i might use that for poles and umbrellas and it was completely free. typical wrong headed idiocy, i could have put the low flat one on my brand new brokenbycats record player and the tall one i got will be thrown over by them whether i fill it or not - if i fill it with wool, which was my last brilliant excuse, it ll be even more fatal fun for them).

speak to me

sitting under my black cat 31 Oct 13, 10:27pm
To all those just started/starting: good luck and have lots of fun with your NaNovel.

Gwen from Merlin just sat like that ludicrous comics woman on a living room couch, for a whole scene in The Tunnel. Men-of-tumblr had made such perfect fun of that pose, and then this iconic actress scrounches in it - as an empowered strong mature woman and I go ... and don't know where to post this coz nobody here knows that classic gif thread and nobody there knows the show.
speak to me

DUMMY 24 Oct 13, 8:41pm
» mood: -i- know it means something else but wow

The lab results came in: I'm a dummy.
They literally sent me a letter just to abuse me.
This was the most succinct verdict of any blood test ever.

6 emanations | speak to me

Bones noideawhichseasonorep 22 Oct 13, 10:05pm
» mood: sickened

Got nobody but myself to blame about this weekly upset: Bones had started going bad from those first hints around Hodgins' wedding on, and it has not been good for a second since the ep the greatest intern ever died (to go on to Alphas). I've written about what an important subversive show it used to be (not sure if I posted that though), and it's years of badness so there's really nothing to say except "again" and "still" and "worse and worse" re. the conservative right-wing establishment othercrap things it is. But in this endlessly tedious orgy of pointlessly drawn out sickening whythefuckaretheystillmarryingeachothertheyvebeeondoingthatforyearsnow episode, the psycho intern (the taller one) said that he quite liked the most hated intern (the curlier one who's the only too-small breath of fresh air since the death of my darling, and of course he's "nasty). Anyway:

If I weren't so tired (of everything, but esp. this awful show), I'd ask you for fic. Might not even be slash, they could be bi or gay.

I'm not asking if anybody reading this is still watching, because last time (four years ago) nn said it's still better than all the other worse crap, and I doubt since then Bones got new viewers from my list.

11 emanations | speak to me

what -i- didn't say in the killing-nose post 20 Oct 13, 12:12am
» mood: afraid

I keep getting one side of that studio war/fight/debate/melt-down, and now every mail is just stupid wanky wank, not just the pretentious "head" wanker*s French philosopher quotes. I keep being rubbed out in-between factions that then go on to be best friends, while I fester in the dust. It was much more "fun" when we tried to reply to the oiseach in Irish Gaelic. I can't side with the clinically insane, and the casually insane don't want me. I never learn how to survive between all those ... humans.

*so upset*

And yet I'm still bored. That's quite fascinating. Or not. *bored* *so upset* *bored*

Did I get you an invite for theboxDOTbz? They closed, but I just found out select users were invited to their new site. Did you get anything?


and thus it ends as always:

the guy I tried to help/defend just said (with finality) that I didn’t have to open his mails and he won’t open my emails anymore. because I said I really have NO information and nobody is replying or picking up the phone (again), while he kept saying we can all go and get our info elsewhere and chose what to believe. which I can’t since I never heard who had said he should leave. nobody will speak to me (again). trying to go-between leads to the warring parties to become bffs and kill me goose

#sick to the heart #life #fml

speak to me

19 Oct 13, 9:25pm
» mood: pit

killer nose

6 emanations | speak to me

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