ok, so, scratch every entry about nick i guess.
he broke up with me on sunday because he has feelings for another girl. he said that after our big fight last weekend, after we made up ( and i thought everything was perfect) that the more time he spent away from me, the more he realized he didnt want to be with me. and he also contradicted himself by saying that all these feelings came up on sunday... and that he didnt intend to do this to me... and he didnt think he could feel this way... friday was our anniversary. and true, we haven't been together for a long time, but i'm in love with him. and i was under the impression he felt the same way when he said he loved me. but apparently he loves me as a friend. and he can't be with me anymore. because its "not fair to me" what's not fair is that he lied to me about where he was so he could go on two dates with cecilia. and apparently, he has stronger feelings for her than he does for me. he told me he wanted to be friends, because he loved me... but i can't be friends with him. i'm in love with him. and i know if i spend time with him, im going to want to hold him, and touch him, and kiss him... but i can't. because he's not mine. and that will make my heart break all over again. i feel hollow.
i've slept about 3 hours since i woke up sunday at 9 am. and i haven't eaten since sunday.. minus a piece of pizza that i threw up later anyway. (not on purpose) i paid for a $450 tattoo for him. it was his early birthday gift. and as i said, friday was our anniversary. he called me and said "happy anniversary baby! i love you! i'm on my way home from work, i'll call you, will you come over?" and i did. and we held eachother all night. and i really thought he loved me... but apparently, whatever he felt isnt the same as what he feels for little cici. or "peaches" as she is sometimes referred to.
but now, nick won't talk to me. he said he has nothing left to say to me. and that he'll pay me back for the tattoo.. that he'll put the money in my mailbox. i keep looking at the pictures of us together... and thinking... "how could we have been this happy just a few weeks ago, and no he hates me?". i have every internet convo saved. and i remember every convo we've had on the phone. and i keep listening to elvis's "love me tender" and bawling my eyes out because it makes me think of him. i'd still do anything for him, and he wants nothing to do with me.
and i found cecilia on myspace.. and i sent her a message. not a hate message. i told her about what nick's done to me. and i told her how much i love him, and that i hope she treats him well, because i want nothing but the best for him.
i do hope he's happy. i just wish that he would want to be happy with me. because i love him, and i want him to be mine. but if he can't be happy with me, i really do wish that he have happiness and love with somebody who will treat him the way i do. and love him the way that i do. i just dont see how he's gonna find that. i would literally do anything for him if he would take me back. and i can't see anyone treating him the way i did. and i can't see anyone every loving him as much as i do.... but i really hope he does.
arrrh. anybody have any tips on mending a shattered heart?