gina, dudeman, and trainwreck came by today. they hung out most of the day. we house surfed and broke some shit on accident. haha. then we set up the treadmill outside and launched things into the street, including trainwreck. headed out for stolen surlpees. lit body hair on fire. ate all the pie and shit that d u brought home. and thats about it. they went to chicago, i stayed home. xkillsy is playing tonight.
im glad we are hanging out more since they are all going away to college. i didnt know dudeman was leaving.
I am at a loss for words. I never thought I would reach a point where not even a lie works.
My eyes are darting quickly around the room. Not looking to long at any one thing in particular. I am avoiding you again. Avoiding the awkward moments, like when you put your hand on my leg. After all, we are just friends? I am not sure why I’m here anymore.
I try to tell myself to think of sleep. It’s all I want right now. I’m hoping I can fall asleep before I start thinking too much about my life…about life in general. Nevertheless, it does not work, and I’m stuck lying in bed, wide-awake, my thoughts keeping me company. Every once in awhile, I’m interrupted by your sleeping. Before you went to bed, you laid down with me, confided in me. And you fell asleep in my arms. I didn’t want to wake you up, but I didn’t want you in my arms either. So, I carried you over to your bed, covered you up, kissed you on the forehead and said “goodnight”. You didn’t open your eyes, but you smiled. I’m still not sure why I am here.
I remember the last time this happened. Back in September, you were so sure of everything. You said you would write, I said I would call. We would see each other as often as possible. But plans seldom work, especially mine. By October, you decided I just wasn’t working out. But I remember exactly what you said. “You should still visit. (long pause) You’re an amazing boy. I never want to lose you as a friend”. There was a biting vocal inflection when you spoke. Your sentences were concise, direct. Almost sharp. I guess that’s why I am here.
Eight months later, but I am here.
I thought maybe we could talk after the show. But you did all the talking. I smiled, hoping it didn’t seem too insincere. After you went to sleep, I opened the birthday gift you got me. I thought about the birthday gift I had given you… and how I thought it was a bit impersonal and how you thought I knew you really well.
There are two men arguing outside your apartment window. They are a couple. Fighting about how one was supposed to stay sober, so they could drive home. Now they have to walk home, and leave their car at the club. They’ll probably both have hangovers in the morning. So will you. I never seem to drink enough to be hung over. Not that I’m complaining.
I’ll make us breakfast when you wake up. That is as far as I have planned for tomorrow.
But after typing a summary of tonight's events, I realized, I am here because i wanted to say goodbye. There won't be summer. Or a same time next year. Just the first sincere goodbye in a long time.
"It is not intertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed. It is shyness before any sort of new unforseeable experience for which one does not think ones self able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something live." - Rainer Maria Rilke
oh man. working on that tape today was soo nice. finding that killer theme. finding those perfect tracks. order. working on the timing. doing the math. testing out track flow. perfecting the track list. i think im evening doing lyrics.
i had a good day. everyone was in a good mood. no one was a bummer. i think might survive indiana. new orleans wont wait for me, but ill make up for lost time on my next visit.
it was a nice walk tonite. it was a nice nite. and when all was said and done, i owe it all to everyone who i talked to today. everyone.