Circe (_honeyspider) wrote,

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Silent Hill, not actually all that silent it turns out.

Lewi has come over to visit Lara (and us a little bit, but mostly Lara!) and he's teaching me how to play Silent Hill like the n00b I am. Which involves a lot of swearing at the screen when the monsters show up, insulting their mothers and sexual proclivities. (Turns out, when monster killing, I turn into a raging misogynistic who yells things at the screen like "die, you fucking whore beast from hell! FUCKING EAT MY BAT!" Which is... a little concerning for my inner mental state, I'm sure.)

I have discovered two things about this game so far. First that, oh my god, is there a shit load of walking around. Down streets, in buildings, walking walking walking gimme more monsters! (So I can panic.) And secondly, the protagonist that you play, James? A complete and utter walking Doesn't Deserve To Live. Oh, so stupid! So stupid! Let me count the ways.

1. Gets a letter from his dead wife saying "Hey baby, come to Silent Hill where we used to hang out." ACTUALLY GOES. Not only does he go, but upon getting there to find it is abandoned and creepified he CARRIES ON.

2. Upon meeting his first monster he stares in shock as it gets up to approach him and is all "It's not... human." Then, after the skull-bashing, he gets a little bit away and is all "What was that thing? I don't- oooh! look! a radio!" BRAVA, MONSTER FORGOTTEN. LET'S CARRY ON INTO THE TOWN, SHALL WE, JAMES?

3. His reaction to HUGE POOLS OF BLOOD on the road is to FOLLOW THEM. In the fog. In the dark. Towards where he saw things lurking in the shadows.

4. There is graffiti on the wall which I can't remember the exact wording of but it was along the lines of HOLY SHIT, ALL WHO ENTER HERE ABANDON HOPE AND LIMBS FOR THEE SHALL SURELY GET WELL RIPPED UP, MATEY. You can't make him physically look in it's direction no matter how hard you try. Turn him slightly left and he looks to the left of it, slightly right and he looks to the right of it. JESUS, JAMES, LOOK AT THE FREAKING WARNING SIGNS.

5. Upon finding a dead body of someone his only reaction is to LOOT IT.

6. Upon finding a second dead body his reaction is "Oh my god! What could have possibly done this!?" Oh I don't know, Jamie ol' boy, maybe it was the SAME THINGS YOU'VE BEEN KILLING ALL GAME? Jeeeesus.

7. Finding a hole in the wall where freaky sounds are happening he says "it sounds like there is something in there" AND THEN SHOVES HIS ARM THROUGH SAID HOLE TO INVESTIGATE.

I might understand all this if he were some super cool marine dude before coming to Silent Hill, but he was a regular freaking guy! He has no badassary excuses!

Also, at some angles, he looks like Edward Cullen. No one else seems to see this, but I do. I SEE IT. And it means my desire to help him remain alive is even less. Damn he and I being the same person!
Tags: adult themes, adventures!, berserker raaaage!, bloody mess, broken body parts, circuses of evil, climb inside you like a warm kitten, creepy little fuckers, death, geekary of all forms, gore!, harness the forces of evil to abuse you, how batman was that??, i want to be sarah conner, mango sodomy, not where fingers belong, oh my god (in capslock), other assorted small animals, owned your face, party in my pants, playing with sharp things, raaaaage!, removing body parts slowly, running, silent hill, some people are jerk offs, sticky handed children, stuff that scares me, stump fucking, surgery is what you need, take a day off you weirdo, they're hot zombies okay?
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