October 19th, 2005

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I should drink more...

Here's my tipsy post of the week:

I wish I could be cruel again. I wish it could be like it was back home, with me being on my own and not giving a damn about other people. Cause, sure, sometimes it was lonely, but no one could ever hurt me. And it's been weeks and I realised this morning that I'm not over it. Not even a little bit. I'm still hurt and betrayed and all those lovely things. And I don't want to feel any of it. I just want to shutdown and hate everyone around me. Because, god damn, it's so much easier and safer to hate than it is to love. Love gets you in all sorts of troubles. It makes your guards relax and you find yourself caring and trusting and part of me cannot stand that.

But hate...it eats you out but at least it's easier. It's taking a chance to love people. You just have to pray they won't try to smash you into 1000 little bits. Because how do you put yourselg back together when the one person you thought would never break you does? When two people swear upon everything they hold close that they will never intentionally try to hurt you utterly destroy you. That makes the life and universe more difficult to cope with.

Blah. Sometimes I hate human emotion so much. We should all be emotionless robots and save a lot of trouble.

But i'll get over everything. Eventully nothing of this will hurt anymore. And I feel like going out and being intentionally mean to the both of them but there's no point. They won't feel it the way I feel it. Perhaps it's because the intent is differant. All I intend it revenge. It's a whole 'you hurt me so now I'll show you what it's like!' deal. And I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to start hurting people just because they hurt me.

Some people suck.

I can forget, but I can't forgive.