September 14th, 2005


(no subject)

Behold my bad mood and my lack of caring what anyone thinks of what I say. I'm angry and frustrated at the whole world today.

My room is MY room. I don't know why you all seem to just show up in it. It's like suddenly because Absalom is in here it's not my private sanctuary anymore. You all just wander in and out as you please, even more than you used to. I don't like coming home, wanting to be alone, and finding people in my room, on my bed, and playing with my rat. Sometimes a lot of the time I just want to go to my room and be alone because I need it to stay sane. And yet there are people always there! In my room! On my bed! On my computer! Get your own damn room!

Sometimes you make me angry. You complain that some people ignore you, but then you totally seem to miss it when you do it to other people. Sometimes it feels like your friendships are of convenience, at least with some people. Gravitate toward the most shiny and hurt the rest.

I don’t know what to do with you. I feel like this is my fault, and in part it is. And don’t dare tell me not to worry about you because it’s not going to happen. But things are…different and it makes me angry. Not at you just at…life. And it pisses me off that I can only act certain ways around you when drunk. I can’t treat you like I treat other people around me because I worry if you’ll take it differently. I can’t just kiss you like I’d kiss anyone else. It means something else with us, doesn’t it? Fuck that shit.

You drive me mad and it’s all my own fault with you. I care about you SO much but I keep pushing you away from me. I keep running. Why the fuck do I do that? How long since I saw you last? I hate it. Part of me loves being with you and the other part doesn't know how to deal with it. So which part of me do I choose to listen to? The part that misses you or the part that’s too scared to go to you?

I hate this place. I want to be gone. Maybe my plans are moving along faster than I was ready for them to go. Maybe I need to start thinking more about everything. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. It’s all just fucked up at the moment.

This post is probably bound for deletion. All comments will most certinally be screened in any case...
  • Current Music
    'Sleeping Beauty' APC

(no subject)

New layout.

New userinfo.

Amazing what feeling like crap will drive you to. Also helps to have a pet rat kicking up a racket and keeping you from sleeping. Absalom is a very bad boy.

There is a photo of Frank on my f-list. It feels a little like worlds colliding... Heh. Frank is Dictator of KAOS. I must admit that is utterly cool. It amuses me and makes me laugh. This could partly be because it's 6am and everything makes me laugh right now. If someone mentions the holocaust I may even break into hysterical giggling.

I wonder what rat tastes like in a toastie.
  • Current Music
    'I Wish I Had An Angel' Nightwish