December 22nd, 2004


(no subject)

i have mixed feelings about whether yesterday was a good day or a bad day.
we met up with our friend.
it was nice, catching up with stuff.
we tried to go to the cafeteria area where le david's skateshop is, but the food is way too expensive.. & davids skateshop was closed. so fuck that.
we went back to trocadero.
i started to feel really sick as we sat in the cinema waiting room. like, really weird & faint.
at first i kind of hoped it would pass.
well, anyway, we went into the casino part, & i almost threw up.

so i spent like the next hour or hour & a half or so, desperately trying to keep my feelings under control.
when i finally managed to calm down a tad, me & scai-kun had an argument.
because i get worried about stupid silly things.
i wish i wasn't the way i was.
i wish i wasn't always sick every second of every day.
it bothers me like it bothers nobody else.
i have to live through controlling how i feel every minute & I HATE IT SO MUCH.
i wish my brain didn't think up the worst things possible & then in my mind, create them to be true.
i wish i could relate to just one person out there who would know what it feels like to feel really sick every day.
i hate panic attacks.
as soon as i have one, my body & brain go into overdrive.
i think things that i create to be true, which obv. aren't true. i make bad stuff up in my mind & it annoys people.
i hallucinate that men with knives are coming after me.
FUCK. everything seems so over the top but really it's not that way.
everything i have wrote here is true. REAL.
i don't exagerate anything.
if i ever pissed anyone off with the way i feel, i'm sorry.

i hate the way i am.
lifes little cures don't work on me.
i'm just hoping to god that professional help does.
i don't want to stay this way any more.

i'm gonna go play more ToS now.
my brother & erin are having some kind of dinner party thing with their workfriends with lots of meat, potatoes & stuff like me & scai-kun had at davids. uhhuh.
i think i'd best stay out of their way when it occurs.

me & scai-kun had a nice time when we got home though.
i felt really exhausted [i always do after feeling sick] & fell asleep in his arms & he drew a picture.
then we snuggled up & fell asleep.
i <3 him.

i feel a bit sick.

my mum has an appointment at the doctors today, for her sinuses or something, & they're gonna tell her whats wrong.
good luck mum.

& plz, go & do my six question thing on yesterdays post.
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