faith in chains - mara_sho

Into the shadows

It’s weird. This time last week I couldn’t move in the camp without falling over Xander and now, since Willow arrived, he’s been melting off into the background. I get that he might not particularly want to ‘accidentally’ bump into her but I kinda miss those little meetings we’d have. Guy had a gift, I don’t think he knows it, but he always seemed to know what needed to be said. Now, without him around to give a little moral support, I hate to admit it but I’m floundering. I know Wes would give me a shoulder to cry on if I asked for it, hell I didask for it, I just aint used it yet. But it’s not the same. I never asked Xander for anything, he never wanted anything from me – or at least if he did he kept it real well hidden. He was just there.

Now he’s not, Willow ’s put him into hiding and that would be reason enough to get the two of them together even if I wasn’t in the whole ‘reach out and touch someone’ mood. He and Willow have the same annoying habit though – when I’m looking for them I can’t find ‘em. It’d help I guess if I wasn’t being so damn secretive about it – I should just come out and ask someone where he is, but no, I’ve got to be stubborn, got to do this one all on my own. Knowing I’m being pig-headed doesn’t really help.

I remember where we met in the woods, the night Willow came back, further out from camp than I’ve looked but still close enough to be more or less safe. I bite my bottom lip, it’s getting dark out here. Not the best of times to be heading out too far, but on the other hand, if he is out there then he needs someone to drag him back into camp. I look around, no one’s watching me, I check my belt to make sure my knife’s still there. Yup.

Taking a deep breath and knowing this is just one more in the long list of stupid things I’ve done lately, I push aside the branches and step into the shadows.
faith in chains - mara_sho

Switching

Stupid. That’s what I am. I can see exactly how stupid everything I’ve done is but it’s like I’m watching someone else doing these things. Like I’ve got no control.

I walk away from Xander, half expecting him to follow me but he doesn’t. Probably too keen to get back to the whole Old School vibe thing, funny thing is part of me dreads that. Red and me never got on, I never did trust her, never got why she had this weird influence over people – Buffy, Xander hell even Giles. I know part of it was jealousy, but still, she just rubbed me up the wrong way.

She always seemed manipulative, like she was putting on the shy-girl act to get what she wanted and damn if it didn’t work every time. I laugh a little, hell I wasn’t above a little manipulation back in the day – I was just a little more upfront about it. I glance down at my cleavage – hell, I was a lot more upfront about it.

What really gets to me now though is that we had a system. Okay so our system may have been a little fucked up, but it worked. We got through. We survived. And now the system’s screwed ‘cause the one thing we really don’t need is another mouth to feed.

Whole dynamic’s switching, I can feel it, and it scares me.