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i know that you're tired, know that your sore and sick and sad for some reason [18 Mar 2007|09:01pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Yeah so I'm a master at not writing in this thing. It just doesn't feel like a real journal. And I have a real journal for letting out the things one should let out in the privacy of a real journal. But I should update this thing so I can maintain an account. So I can continue to get a regular dosage of useless facts everyday? haha.

It's weird. Everything I guess. I'm not really miserable in any discernable way, but I'm not happy. I'm lonely in an oppressive sort of way and I just can seem to shake it off the way I've been doing for the past two months. It didn't really bother me before break. But everyone else I know back home seems to be in some sort of relationship, and while the time at home was a welcome relief from work, it just sort of reminded me of how much I need somebody in my life. I'm tired of having the last relationship I can look back to being the massive disappointment that consumed my junior and senior years of high school. It would be nice to just have something casual, something pressure free, something different.

Plus, the pressure I've put on myself with the Scholar's Program is feeling kind of pointless. I have to fill out this application, write an essay -- and they want to know all these things I've done this year. None of which I've done. I wrote a few articles for the paper, but I was sort of disenchanted with that after all the fun I had at The Patriot senior year. I went to a few ACLU meetings, but nothing to really write home about. And I don't know what I want to get involved in. Or if I want to get involved. It's been kind of nice not having pressure to be any place except class. Having the ability to go to the gym everyday. And what community service have I done? Please, lets not even pretend.

Maybe I've just gotten into a funk the past few days. Maybe I'll get out of it soon. I know it would be a lot easier if it wasn't so fucking cold out. We're approaching the end of March. Can I get some consistent spring?

I'm really tired of feeling cold.

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And days of auld lang syne? [01 Jan 2007|12:12pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

So yeah...it's 2007 - a year which will hopefully be just as fun...scratch that...MORE fun...than 2006.  I've decided that next semester at NYU is going to be amazing.  It took some time at home to help me figure out what I like and do not like to do and the frequency with which I like and do not like to do it -- and this time I'm going to bring that knowledge back up to my favorite island and fuck what all those hipster jackasses upstairs are doing.

Christmas was great -- between all the parties we had/attended I got reacquainted with all my old dress shoes I haven't had up at college.  God I love those Steve Madden pumps.  And New Years was truly random.  Kwanza at Jen's Grandmom's was great -- the food was amazing, the dog was cute, and I got to sing This Little Light, which made me really, really happy.  DP partied it up big time with Licious, Shane, Jess Thoden, and a bunch of strangers.  There were old episodes of Real Sex and firecrackers involved -- which always make for the best of seasonal celebrations.  Then I drove the party van home, despite great amounts of distraction provided by Liz, who whined like a spoiled toddler until Rachel let her sit shotgun.

And I still have two more glorious weeks of relaxing, collegeless joy until I have to come face to face with Pat Hoy & the long form essay.  (Why...WHY am I clinically insane?!)  All I know is that I am NOT going back to Manhattan until I've seen Mr. Valerio. No way. No how.

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oh my god barbara she looks just like my mom [11 Dec 2006|08:36pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

When did I become this person? Somehow, somewhere along the line from August 27th to now, I became this person that I haven't really, completely been since I was 15. I thought that college was about growth, not painful psychological regression.

And the more I think about it, the more the question becomes how is this person I've become going to make it through the next week? How will this girl keep it together until she gets home? And once she gets home, will it make any difference at all? Can I find the person I was, the one I was happy with, or will this new, depressive, sobbing Justine simply follow me from one location to another, looming over everything I do until I lose all notion of how I would once have lived my life?

What's even left of what I thought was living at this point?

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you know it sure is hard to leave here, carey, but it's really not my home [02 Dec 2006|01:57am]
[ mood | crappy ]

List of things I hate about NYU:

1. The complete lack of a campus. (Yeah, sometimes its cool, but othertimes I don't really feel like sharing a space with a bunch of homeless crackheads.)
2. The way I have no control over temperature in my room and its always ungodly hot.
3. How almost every guy here is gay.
4. The complete lack of activity on my floor.
5. The complete lack of community in general.
6. Our bathroom doorknob.
7. Our room doorknob.
8. The skanky ass, hot as balls laundry room.
9. Einstein's Universe.
10. The brick wall my window faces.
11. The people upstairs who throw glass bottles out their windows which crash down just outside of our window, shatter, wake us up, and then inevitably make our horrible view even worse.
12. That girl down the hall's boyfriend who is wayy to old and sketchy to be here, who just walks unattended through our hall.
13. Downstein.
14. Mice and cockroaches.
15. Having to walk ridiculously far to get to other NYU buildings.
16. The way the whole hall smells when SOME PEOPLE don't bag their trash.
17. Not having a journalism class until the fall semester of sophmore year.
18. Feeling endless guilt over how much money my parents are spending so that I can be depressed here.
19. Socratic Dialogues.
20. Feeling absolutely invisible.

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[17 Nov 2006|03:02pm]

yeahhhhhhh america.
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interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the collegegirl mentality [15 Nov 2006|12:21am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it--

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?--

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot--
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart--
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash--
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there--

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

Plath -- Lady Lazarus -- 1962

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All in all can only fall with a crashing but meaningless blow [14 Sep 2006|01:48pm]
[ mood | angry ]




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Better that I break the window than forget what I had to say [11 Sep 2006|09:34pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

So I'm beginning to adjust to the surreal collegiate existance. To not having a bell telling me where to go. To having to pay eighteen dollars for a bound packet of photocopied text excerpts. To sitting unnaturally close to some random boy I've never met who repeatedly takes off his glasses and rubs his face with his hands while I attempt to stay concious for a thrilling lecture on the theory of special relativity. To walking up seven flights of stairs to avoid the chaos that is the lobby of Silver. To calling my Writing the Essay professor "Bruce" and trying not to feel awkward when he uses the word "fuck" in class. To a newspaper meeting where I'm recieving assignments, not handing them out. To reading ungodly amounts of Nietzsche. To fighting the frightening, hypnotic urge to jump to my death when looking down at the tile in the lobby of the Bobst Library. To conversing with people who have to sing for homework. To the haunting tune of the NYC Mister Softie trucks. To doing laundry at odd times hoping to beat the crowd. To drunken floormates staggering into my room late at night on Saturday. To surveying the dining hall like a lost fourth grader, desperately searching for a vacant seat (preferably next to someone I know). To recognizing classmates from Facebook, but not saying anything out of fear of looking like a stalker. To not hearing my Mom's voice everyday. To learning to love Starbuck's coffee, even though the smallest size is called a Tall. To passing random C-list comedians on MacDougal St. without thinking twice about it. To twelve year old boys who play guitar in Washington Square and rock harder than I ever could. To anonymous squeals, sqweaks, and screams echoing throughout the hall. To mice and cockroaches that have been given names. To living without television for two weeks (this can't go on). To hanging out with Liz being the most eventful and distinct outing of my week.

I'd say that I'm unhappy, that I miss my home and my family and my friends, but that would be redundant.

Mostly I'm just floating through this day by day.
It still doesn't feel permanent.


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[07 Sep 2006|07:00pm]
Yeah so, classes are no fun at all. And I'm starting to realize how difficult NYU makes being a journalism major. We have to double major, and because of CAS's MAP requirements, we don't have many credits to mess around with in order to figure out what we want that second major to be. I've been leaning towards Cinema Studies for a while, but its a 10 course major, which is a lot considering when I'll be finished my MAP stuff.

The Con West/Writing the Essay course isn't really what I expected it to be either. It's going to be pretty ridiculous.

*rolls eyes*

Oh yeah and the language department...obnoxious. lol

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We're living in a den of thieves and it's contagious [05 Sep 2006|08:05pm]
[ mood | blah ]




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You're so young, you're so goddamn young [05 Sep 2006|12:43pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Poor little rich boy, all the couples have gone
You wish that they hadn’t, you don’t wanna be alone
But they wanna kiss and they got homes of their own
Poor little rich boy all the couples have gone, they’ve gone, they’ve gone

And you don’t love your girlfriend
You don’t love your girlfriend
And you think that you should but she thinks that she’s fat
But she isn’t but you don’t love her anyway
And you don’t love your mother
And you know that you should
And you wish that you would
But you don’t anyway

Poor little rich boy, oh the world is okay
The water runs off your skin and down into the drain
You’re reading Fitzgerald, you’re reading Hemingway
They’re both super smart and drinking in the cafés

And you don’t love your girlfriend
You don’t love your girlfriend
And you think that you should but she thinks that she’s fat
But she isn’t but you don’t love her anyway
And you don’t love your mother
And you know that you should
And you wish that you would
But you don’t anyway

You’re so young, you’re so goddamn young

This is officially my new favorite song.
It makes me really happy.


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[04 Sep 2006|08:51pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Yeah so Laundry is an ordeal in college apparently. I was down in the basement for two hours dealing with it. NO MORE! From now on I do laundry Thursdays at 12 pm. It's settled.

I lost my favorite bracelet (the leather one I bought down the shore with Rere) in the cleaning/laundry process today. I'm realy upset about it. I feel the need to go to Ocean City and purchase a new one. Immediately.

The weekend was a lot of fun. I saw Little Miss Sunshine with Shalin and Amanda, because it was raining. I ended up getting drenched, and now I'm ordering rainboots from Target online so that I never have to get my feet sopping wet again.

The rest of the time was just spent in various parts of the floor, having meaningless conversation and/or playing games of various sorts. There was the Historical Walking Tour of the Village, which was fun...I guess. Lots of random factoids that I'll never remember.

My parents came up Sunday morning and helped me move things around. I miss home sometimes. :-/

Class is tomorrow and I don't want to go. I have no idea of what I should bring. I mean...am I really going to need to take that big ass book? Will I need my laptop? Or should I just show up with the syllabus?

We have a floor meeting now. Huzzah!


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It's like rain on your wedding day [31 Aug 2006|09:16pm]
[ mood | content ]

So yeah...NYU. It's a pretty cool place. BohoReb is probably the most awesome and enviable themed floor ever, so horray for that. Our RA Joanna seems really cool. There's a lot of diversity too. The guy's suite at the end of the hall has prompted our future Tshirt slogan to be "A Southern Baptist, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a gay bar..." It's pretty hilarious.

I've done a lot of the Welcome Week stuff. I got a ticket to Wicked for two weeks from now, went to a Poetry Slam and an Open Mic night, and attended a bunch of workshop things. The Washington Square News seems kind of hard to break into (at their Arts section is...) but I think I can be annoying enough to force them to accept me.

I went to a West African Dance class today. It was so awesome. The lady who ran it is teaching a 10 session class this semester in Coles. It costs about 45 or 50 bucks which isn't too bad for ten lessons. I might sign up for it.

I'm stuck with the same academic advisor though, which really sucks cause the one I had was an incompetent moron. And I have to buy two more books for class, and I haven't seen a syllabus posted online for any of my classes yet.

So lets talk about my room. It's of a decent size. However, our singular window faces a brick wall, and our bathroom is practically nonexistant. You can sit on the toilet, stand up without taking a step and wash your hands, then take exactly one step over and you're in the tub. And all the guys (who of course could go to the bathroom on the side of a building if they wanted to...) have the huge handicapped bathrooms. But the decor in our room is really cute and homey. I'm glad I brought so many posters with me, cause I definately had the wall space for all of them.

I've seen many interesting things since I came to the city, including:

A. Wild rats
B. A movie being shot in the square
C. A man playing an instrument I've never seen, singing in a language I've never heard
D. An ice cream truck whose haunting song can be heard from almost everywhere
E. Girls trying to see the Rocky Horror Picture show in their underpants
F. Rachelle chuck an apple right at a car window after declaring that she could throw it into the bushes across the street

Oh yeah, and the kid from the Sixth Sense lives in Rubin. *randomness*

Tonight is Comedy Night. Hopefully I'll be able to get in to the 11:00. There was a huge line for the 9:00 though. I hope they all got in so the line starts fresh for the next show.

Everybody seems to be going to this stupid VMA party. It's a PRE party where there will be a raffle for tickets to an AFTER party. No where in the entire process does anyone get to go to the VMAs. So I have no idea what the hype is about.

But yeah...I'm having fun but I miss everyone. And I was talking to people and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels weird away from home and feels like a total nerd. I think I'll be okay here. :-)


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And the seasons they go round and round [28 Aug 2006|12:14am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Yeah...so I'm at college.

How bout that?


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"Time flies when there's fire." [22 Aug 2006|12:12am]
[ mood | good ]

I'm going to miss random excursions to South Street with Jen. Even with the creepy Mexican men hitting on us from their cars and stops at Pepperidge Farm for awkward cookies. We got some jewelry at this weird shop and some posters (although mine are all small). I totally wanted to buy this Freudian coffee mug that had Freud laying across a chase lounge saying "I love how when you say one thing you mean your mother." Cause I'm corny. And I like corny things.

We stopped by Mogckalicious' house after our little trip, because he leaves on a plane early tomorrow morning for Austin. :-( Everybody's going away. It's kind of crazy and depressing. We had some really crazy conversation and Jen burned things. I'm gonna miss talking to my Licious.

Oh and my Paul Simon tape is totally stuck in the tapedeck. Cause my car is the Antichrist.


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If I could I would give you my world, how can I when you won't take it from me [14 Aug 2006|06:03pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

So today I took a major step in my life...I said bye bye to Raoul, my musical companion for the last 4 years and hello to Loretta...my favorite new gal. Go to my facebook for a picture.

Oh and today is my Daddy's birthday! :-D I'm giving him the iPod Nano I got with my computer. Now to figure out how to explain the "I don't patronize bunny rabbits..." engraved on the back...


P.S. Is anyone else really into the new Tom Petty song? Cause I am...

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I'm not ready to make nice I'm not ready to back down [07 Aug 2006|07:26pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Yeah so I woke up with a sore throat and a slight fever this morning. My mom called the doctor and they sent me over to get labwork done to check and see if I have mono - which I really hope I don't since I just don't have time to be sick right now. After my bloodtest my mom and I went to the mall where I bought a bunch of back to school clothes at Delias and JCPenny's and this really adorable dress from Gadzooks. We spent so much money that I kind of feel guilty. I can tell my dad wasn't too happy.

I'm hoping I can have my rest and relaxation day with Jen tomorrow, cause I could really use it.

Oh...and I'm getting a distinct feeling I'm being jerked around. But I guess that's two weeks away from being resolved.


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With a quack quack here and a quack quack there [05 Aug 2006|02:59pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So yesterday was really random...my mom woke me up early to play with my little cousins in the pool, the Fed Ex guy did a crappy job delivering my MacBook which led to several hours of aggravation, and once I did get my computer, Erik had to come over to help me set it up since I know nothing about computers.

After Erik left, I got ready and went out to eat at Friday's with Jen. It was a lot of fun...full of spicy foods and Old Bob Dylan Sex (There's Sex with Bob Dylan, and then there's Durex with Bob Dylan). After dinner we went over Rob Davis's house and had a grand old time hanging out for a half hour....what with all the Old McDonald and the Wild Wild West.

Then we left Rob's and headed to United Artist where we met up with Chipawich and his friend Kelly to see The Nightlistener. There were tons of Twp kids there but that was because the new Will Ferrell movie was opening. The movie was kind of scary and REALLY confusing, but I liked it. The whole night was a lot of fun.

Then I came home and iChatted with Jen and Rob. :-D toot.

I've spent all of today trying to file my rebates, which are major pains in the ass. My printer one still isn't working out and I'm gonna have to mail in the form for it :-(.

Oh and I have work tonight from 6-11. :-P


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[03 Aug 2006|01:51pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I <3 Rob Davis.  Even if his dog pees at inappropriate times.


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Rachel: OH MY GOD IT POOPED ON ME! [29 Jul 2006|01:34pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Oh sniggy sniggy...

I love Rachel Daley and our glorious OC time together, complete with:
- crab/rice paste & gak
- "Am I wearing any underwear?"
- 25 foot 3 ton sharks
- Hubert
- Solarcane
- A for effort to the young man with the guitar
- matching Johnny Depp posters
- laughing at surfers
- *random Bob Dylan music coming from Rere's phone*
- POOP : (
- turn around.....
- oh mr. hat!
- strange floating crab
- Rachel getting dive bombed by the seagull
- Ice cream on the last night *tear*

*sigh* I miss Rere. :-(


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