in this moment i feel so alone. surrounded by people who love me and yet.. i feel unloved. sad i know. depressing yes yes i know.. and yet i cant shake this feeling. perhaps it is due to my lack of leaving things to chance.. i have to know things before i attempt them and so on.. idk im just tired of having my heart broken ya know. and yes i do know i will never find it if i do not put my self out there and see where things go.. but that is the problem. when people get close and start to care i push them away why because i do not want to get attached or be the one heart broken.. it is way easier to hurt someone else then to be hurt.. i know i am selfish but eh im 20 and a single parent of a kid whos dad doesnt do shit.. so its easy to keep my wall up.. i don't know what to do anymore... help??

its its kinda funny don'tcha think

life it waits for nothing
it doesn't stop because your not ready
it simply keeps moving on
not to get you down or to make shit harder
its just the way it fucking goes
and when your at wits end
can't go on any longer
when you have no more fight in your heart
remember it all works out
shitty as it seems
things work out in the end

as i convince my self there is nothing to stress over i have to laugh at the situation...
here is the story in a nutt shell
me and lilli got kicked out we have until the end of the weekend to move out :).. thankfuly i did find a place but its all the way in mira mesa.. :( but we do have a new house thank god.. for once I got lucky and found something lagit.. lol.. I really hope it all works out.. until then we shal see i will attempt to keep you updated >.< .. but for now its packing time

  • Current Music
    "Elva" unwritten law

gahh fml

im so fucking over it all.. my mom is kicking me out and acts like its nothing..
we moved out because she left her husband and is now moving back.. she makes me sit at home waiting for her damn craigslist man who is buying the couch while she fixes the old house.. gah fuck that.. i don't get why she makes me do shit for her when she is KICKING ME OUT.. i just dont get it... it really sucks.. don't get me wrong i do have a place to go its just shitty.. like thanks mom for having me spend all the money i had saved on shit for this house when we are only moving again... gaaah.. i don't know what this bothers me as much as it does.. but it does.. it really hurts.. i don't know what to do anymore...

blah de blah

well i am glad that the rain has stopped..
but then again we did need it and we deffinitaly need more!!!
well i dont want to start this off being all sad and shit because all in all i am good.. eventhough after 2 years me and ethan are DONE... no more.. please dont say sorry.. because i am ok.. although it took 2 years i realized he needs to be 24 and i need someone who is going to treat me like i fucking matter.. someone who is willing to change there day to day, to spend time with me!! gah.. but you know what im glad i figured it out.. any who lilli is good i cant believe that in 6 months she is going to be 3 ahh i feel as if time is flying by.. this summer i plan on going back to school and i am excited.. ya i know weird.. but eh people change.. :).. i still live at moms house.. if there was a smiley with a gun to his head i would have entered it here.. lol i love her to death.. but at 20 i didnt really plan on sharing a room with my 15 year old sister.. ya know.. but eh i guess that is enough catching up for now.. how is everybody?

miss me

im back fuckkas!!! and im alive can you believe it. jk... but really i crashed me car yest, like a dumb ass.. enough about that. ramble ramble.. baby luv is about to be two in a month i can't even believe it it doesnt feel like it has really been that long. funny how time flies ain't it? there isnt a whole lot new with me.. i really want to move and get my life on the road. by this i mean i want to go somewhere with my life im tired of sitting still and making nothing of my life. so i am activly trying to move out... again... we will see how soon it happens seems how i crashed my fing car. by the way everyone is ok!! lil lil was in the car but is ok.. occasionaly she will say she freaked out in the car but thats about it oh and momma crashed her car lol didnt think a 2 year old would be giving me shit.. did you ? me either hahah.. how is everyone i miss you all so much! i am a crappy friend and i dont ever call or send e-mails.. i suck and i know it im sorry i will really try to wprk on it i just need to get all my shit in order you know how it goes! life is crazy i still never though that i would be 19 with a 2 year old. well shit here it is i love my kid soo much!! oh ant is still not a part of her life! he acted like he was going to try so we set up a time to meet and guess what fucker never showed! but what ever his loo, lilli is not missing out on anything..hmmn idk what else to ramble on.. oh i noticed that everyone i know (pritty much) has a kid now isnt that weir. so that doesnt give mne an excuse for not hanging out then does it.. but like i said i already know i suck.. yall know the number hit me up and we will hang i know have fri and sat off woo woo..

<3 stixx

holly tolito its been forever

so its been a good long time since ive been on here as the little one gets older it gets harder and harder to find time to do things like this. my life has changed so much its unbelievable i look at how my attitude towards life used to be and im not that person anymore. im so much happier with the way things are. anywho ill tell you about whats been going on.. I finished highschool dispite what many people thought. I did it. I didnt want to walk but i did because its kinda like a little fuck you to all the people who thought that i would never make it with lilli and everything. I live with my bf now. I love it waking up to see his face everymorning is wonderful.. almost as wonderful as seeing my little gorl when i wake up. btw he is great with her. pritty much he is like her dad. its weird i didnt ever think i would have this after anthony left. but i didnt try and i guess things happen when you least expect them too... I got a new job at a pet resort.. I work full time and i love it i get paid to play with dogs. as some of you know im a big animal freek so it works for me. I work with tuns of cool people no high school bs dramma. so its all good.. and i make way more than i did at express soo woo on that one too.. Lilli took 4 steps the other day shes growing up so fast before i know it she will be in high school.. hopefuly it doesnt go by that fast then i would be old. ; ).. man oh man.. im just so happy with my life


life is well life up and down like a roller coaster but hey i guess thats just life. ah thank god for my baby and my bf

theres my luvy