Tags: depression diary

Doksleepless

Well...

I was going to write a nice post about how I'm feeling quite a bit better, getting back into the swing of work, doing my exercise regimen again and so on. Then the washing machine flooded and after trying (and failing) for an hour to reattach the drain hose after fixing the problem I'm about ready to throw myself, on fire, off a cliff - into the mouths of waiting alligators with specially blunted teeth.

So that'll have to wait.

I think that's pretty much me done for the day to be honest.

*Drips a mix of filth, soap, hair clegs, warm water and exasperation*
Global Frequency

Ugh...

For those who haven't already been informed I should let you know that my post about depression a while back turned out to be true. That 'black wave' crashed over me just over a week ago on Sunday night to a degree I've never felt non-situational depression before. A sobbing mess of suicidal tension and self-loathing genuinely wanting to die. If I were any less able to separate my brain from my 'heart' I might have done something stupid.

I am, needless to say, back on the pills and having a hard time with them too, extremely sleepy, finding it very hard to work - though I'm muddling through slowly on my project for LPJ and I hope to be able to continue to freelance as my energy returns, even though the depression drugs tend to make creative work extremely hard to do.

People have said it's been helpful to talk about these things publicly, so I'll continue to do so, even though it feels like whining sometimes. The main thing I want to express to people is that there isn't anything specifically wrong that is upsetting me. This is a brain chemistry thing, there's no rationale for why, there's no direct problem to solve, no single thing bringing me down that can be blamed. Nice words and sympathy do make me feel a little better but they're not going to solve the problem - which can be frustrating for people who care about me.

Anyway... I can still work, I hope, it'll just be slow for a while.

Having a particularly bad day to today, so I thought it was best to 'come out' publicly again.
just me

A Fresh Start?

Usually I start off a new year with a burst of energy, creativity and organisational impetus that carries me forward at breakneck speed for about three months until my get up and go, get's up and goes and I lapse back into a more normal routine again. This does, however, get shit done and usually gives me a solid foundation for the coming year. This year, I don't have that motivation at all, I think it's still the lingering effects of the exhaustion and depression, though I don't feel depressed any more and the morning after a New Year's night probably isn't the best time to try and feel motivated - though we did only stay in and watch Jool's Holland's 'Hot Punani' show and get mildly tipsy, nothing that bacchanalian for once.

This year's mainly going to be about business. The economy slow down has impacted a little though the evening out of the value of the pound back to old levels has countered that quite a lot. I do, however, need to concentrate on more commercial enterprises in order to succeed and move forward and that requires a fairly radical rethink of my plans for the coming year and a lot more publishing via others, commercialisation of existing product and concentration on my core lines.

On a personal basis I want to get out and about more and see people again, that requires money so is another motivation for shifting how the business operates at the moment, plus there are plans afoot that also require additional spondoolicks. It seems almost impossible to get people out to see us due to our location, though we have plenty of room and try to be hospitable hosts, so it seems this Muhammed will have to hire some Sherpas. Lots of people promise vaguely to catch up with us sometime, but it never comes through, often even if they invite us out there's never the follow up, so meh, one can but try.

Well crap, this all seems fairly business-like and on a bit of a downer doesn't it eh? Sorry, but I have no earth-shaking revelations, no real resolutions - other than to keep losing weight as I have been (until now, curse you Christmas, curse you) and to try, amongst everything else, to take some more personal time to do fun things and to try not to be as jaded. I'm also going to try and keep this thing a bit better updated.

I'm looking forward - though with some tredpidation - to what the U.S. will make of itself this coming year and, somewhat cynically perhaps, expect Obama to be assassinated sometime in the next four years, especially if he actually DOES anything.

Right, off over to apresvie  to lay out the business plans for the coming year.