_grimtales_ (_grimtales_) wrote,

30 day challenger Number 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life

Wow, how fucking morbid and given that I suffer from depression it's pretty much a given that I feel like this fairly often, despite the drugs coursing through my system trying to stop me feeling that way.

If I talk about some instances I'm going to upset a former lover who I've forgiven and grown to care about again, albeit at a respectful distance. Dredged up that past enough thanks.
If I talk about other instances I'm going to worry my wife and my family, who are already aware of how I feel.

I have no desire to hurt anyone by my own selfish, fuckbrained actions. The only thing you need to know is that yes, I feel this way, quite often - sometimes nightly - but I recognise it as an irrational result of aberrant brain chemistry rather than a genuine desire to hurt myself or do away with myself and, after a time, it passes.

Aside from fuckbrain issues the only other times I've ever felt like I wanted to die were in times of extreme emotional pain that have coincided with when I haven't felt needed or wanted by those around me.

I have gotten as far as trying to actually top myself three times but have never gone through with it and all the attempts have been half-hearted, amateurish or, frankly, too drunkenly comedic to count.

I thought about skipping this one but, all things considered, I think it's better to have things like this out there and discussed because too few people do it. I'm not mad, not insane and not stupid. There is a chemical imbalance in my brain, suicidal depression is a wound, like a broken leg or a cut. It takes time to rest and heal and you have to wear a cast or a bandage for a while so that can happen.

People always want to know what you can do to make someone who feels this way feel better. It's different to feeling sad, you can't distract me from it and you can't snap me out of it any more than you can tell someone with a broken leg to dance. Desire to feel better, to dance or smile, doesn't heal what's stopping you doing it. About all you can do - because fuckbrain tends to twist anything else into badness - is to let me know that I'm loved, valued, would be missed if I was gone - and not to assume that what's unsaid and obvious is obvious and doesn't need to be said to someone with fuckbrain.

The thing that keeps me around is knowing how my friends who care about me would miss me if I did shuffle off. That might not be true for everyone with depression or suicidal thoughts but it can't hurt.

day 1 - your current relationship; if single discuss how single life is.
day 2 - where you’d like to be in 10 years.
day 3 - your views on drugs and alcohol.
day 4 - your views on religion.

day 5 - a time you thought about ending your own life.
day 6 - write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
day 7 - your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
day 8 - a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
day 9 - how you hope your future will be like.
day 10 - discuss your first love and first kiss.
day 11 - put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
day 12 - bullet your whole day.
day 13 - somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
day 14 - your earliest memory.
day 15 - your favourite tumblrs.
day 16 - your views on mainstream music.
day 17 - your highs and lows of this past year.
day 18 - your beliefs.
day 19 - disrespecting your parents.
day 20 - how important you think education is.
day 21 - one of your favourite shows.
day 22 - how have you changed in the past 2 years?
day 23 - give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
day 24 - your favourite movie and what it’s about.
day 25 - someone who fascinates you and why.
day 26 - what kind of person attracts you.
day 27 - a problem that you have had.
day 28 - something that you miss.
day 29 - goals for the next 30 days.
day 30 - your highs and lows of this month
Tags: cries for attention, depression diary, meme
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