_grimtales_ (_grimtales_) wrote,
_grimtales_
_grimtales_

Ugh...

For those who haven't already been informed I should let you know that my post about depression a while back turned out to be true. That 'black wave' crashed over me just over a week ago on Sunday night to a degree I've never felt non-situational depression before. A sobbing mess of suicidal tension and self-loathing genuinely wanting to die. If I were any less able to separate my brain from my 'heart' I might have done something stupid.

I am, needless to say, back on the pills and having a hard time with them too, extremely sleepy, finding it very hard to work - though I'm muddling through slowly on my project for LPJ and I hope to be able to continue to freelance as my energy returns, even though the depression drugs tend to make creative work extremely hard to do.

People have said it's been helpful to talk about these things publicly, so I'll continue to do so, even though it feels like whining sometimes. The main thing I want to express to people is that there isn't anything specifically wrong that is upsetting me. This is a brain chemistry thing, there's no rationale for why, there's no direct problem to solve, no single thing bringing me down that can be blamed. Nice words and sympathy do make me feel a little better but they're not going to solve the problem - which can be frustrating for people who care about me.

Anyway... I can still work, I hope, it'll just be slow for a while.

Having a particularly bad day to today, so I thought it was best to 'come out' publicly again.
Tags: cries for attention, depression diary, health
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