_grimtales_ (_grimtales_) wrote,
_grimtales_
_grimtales_

*Flop*

Depressions a funny old thing, funny peculiar rather than funny ha-ha. I can sort of 'feel' it coming on, perhaps a month before it really hits, like a storm in the distance. It seems like my 'up' period lasts around three months at a stretch each time before the black cloud descends again, but there's no way to know how long the down period will last, that lasts any amount of time from days to months.

Once that mantle has settled it is very difficult to find motivation or energy to do anything. Worse for me, my writing goes to pot. My spelling and sentence structure goes to pieces - which I'm sure my editors have noticed. Worse still, reading my own material in that same state of mind I don't notice the issues. Sometimes I go back and look over work I've submitted and its embarrassing, the material's not bad but there's weird word substitutions that I normally wouldn't miss. When I'm depressed there just isn't the energy or the attention to detail - apparently - to pick up on this. Apparently the only way I can keep my mind focussed when I'm in this state is to do something interactive, but I'm not particularly sociable when I feel like this and the only way to stay engaged and alert is to enter into argument and discussion.

I don't want to go back on any medication because so far in my experience while that helps smooth out the dip, it also kills my creativity and - possibly TMI - throws my sex drive into overload which is a rather uncommon reaction to depression medication (it's usually the opposite apparently) and that creates a whole new world of tension and problems and lack of concentration.

People want to help when you're depressed, they ask you what's wrong to make you feel that way, they want to try and cheer you up but there really isn't anything anyone can do. You can't cure the depression by being cheered up and there's no actual reason for it. It's brain chemistry. There's no direct cause, there are only factors which can make you feel better or worse and having dealt with all of those that it's possible to deal with, I've got nothing left other than intractable problems that can't be touched and that's annoying yet again. The most anyone can do is distract me or keep out of my way until my brain chemistry sorts itself out again.

There's things I'd like to change and things I'd like to go differently, personally and professionally, but this is something for a different post and I don't trust myself to talk about these things until my brain is straight again. I'll just have to tough it out until I feel right again.
Tags: cries for attention, depression diary, health, writing
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