February 25th, 2011

special bear

30 day challenger Number 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life

Wow, how fucking morbid and given that I suffer from depression it's pretty much a given that I feel like this fairly often, despite the drugs coursing through my system trying to stop me feeling that way.

If I talk about some instances I'm going to upset a former lover who I've forgiven and grown to care about again, albeit at a respectful distance. Dredged up that past enough thanks.
If I talk about other instances I'm going to worry my wife and my family, who are already aware of how I feel.

I have no desire to hurt anyone by my own selfish, fuckbrained actions. The only thing you need to know is that yes, I feel this way, quite often - sometimes nightly - but I recognise it as an irrational result of aberrant brain chemistry rather than a genuine desire to hurt myself or do away with myself and, after a time, it passes.

Aside from fuckbrain issues the only other times I've ever felt like I wanted to die were in times of extreme emotional pain that have coincided with when I haven't felt needed or wanted by those around me.

I have gotten as far as trying to actually top myself three times but have never gone through with it and all the attempts have been half-hearted, amateurish or, frankly, too drunkenly comedic to count.

I thought about skipping this one but, all things considered, I think it's better to have things like this out there and discussed because too few people do it. I'm not mad, not insane and not stupid. There is a chemical imbalance in my brain, suicidal depression is a wound, like a broken leg or a cut. It takes time to rest and heal and you have to wear a cast or a bandage for a while so that can happen.

People always want to know what you can do to make someone who feels this way feel better. It's different to feeling sad, you can't distract me from it and you can't snap me out of it any more than you can tell someone with a broken leg to dance. Desire to feel better, to dance or smile, doesn't heal what's stopping you doing it. About all you can do - because fuckbrain tends to twist anything else into badness - is to let me know that I'm loved, valued, would be missed if I was gone - and not to assume that what's unsaid and obvious is obvious and doesn't need to be said to someone with fuckbrain.

The thing that keeps me around is knowing how my friends who care about me would miss me if I did shuffle off. That might not be true for everyone with depression or suicidal thoughts but it can't hurt.


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