EDIT: Making this a public entry so I can share it with some fellow MJ fans. :)
August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009
Growing up, I was totally THAT kid:
I was the little girl who would imitate Michael the second he came on television. I wanted to dress the same way. I wanted to move the same way. When I found out my relatives had traded in their carpet floors for hardwood I immediately went to their house determined to try doing the moonwalk on it. [Fuck my house and having to ALWAYS grow up with carpet.]
I remember everything. I remember owning an Alvin and the Chipmunks VHS tape that included the music videos for Billie Jean, Smooth Criminal, and Beat it. All of the videos have Alvin dancing alongside Michael and I remember feeling jealous. I remember how much Thriller scared the shit out of me when I was little. It scared me more than most horror movies today, lol. I remember Macaulay Culkin shredding a guitar in the video for Black and White and how the morphing faces still make me roll. I remember the second my mom told me that Ben was from a movie about a rat and how much that made me go WTF? I remember the way she always described Michael: “Look at how he dances! It’s like he has no bones!”
I remember playing that damn Rockin’ Robin handclap game without even knowing it was a Jackson 5 song. I remember finding out that he had married Lisa Marie. [I'm a huge Elvis fan too so I thought it was awesome, lol.] I taped the making of Ghosts and his 30th Anniversary Special on ABC. I was so proud when I heard that *NSync was going to perform with the Jackson 5. I remember imitating him even in high school and singing You Rock My World and dancing like a hunchback for people at lunch.
It’s been almost two weeks and although I’ve done nothing but listen to his music, and watch his videos online and the news reports on TV, in some ridiculous way none of it makes any of this feel more real at all. WHAT?! Michael Jackson? Dead? No way. Michael Jackson can’t die.
Up until last week, my mom and I have been living with nothing but the radio and one channel on the TV for a month. Her friend Gloria came over [my mom helped her get an apartment just up the street from us] and when she opened the door Gloria was joking and said “Did you hear? My best friend died.” My mom laughed and asked her who.
“Michael Jackson,” she said.
I was in the kitchen making dinner and I dropped my things and shouted “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” She said she was and I immediately washed my hands and texted Josh to find out. I can remember my heart thumping really loudly as I waited for him to reply. I can’t remember the last time I wanted a rumor to stay a rumor. Michael Jackson? He’s a myth, a fucking legend. Michael Jackson can’t die.
He said it was true. This must have been what it was like when Elvis, Kurt, and John Lennon died. I’ve always loved all three of them but when I found their music they were already gone. There was no attachment. I didn’t grow up with them. I didn’t grow up wanting to be just like them.
I don’t think any of us really realize the magnitude of all of this. How much we’ve lost and how many artists and musicians we know and love who wouldn’t be here without Michael’s influence. Don’t get me wrong, he was a really weird guy but the only crime I think he committed was being too nice to people and letting people take advantage of him. The accuser who started all of the molestation charges has now admitted that he made the entire story up because his father told him it would get them millions. Martin Bashir finally admitted that he didn’t see anything go on at Neverland. Everyone is coming out and it’s just too little too late. He was weird and eccentric and that made him an easy target. If you ask me, we all spent too much time calling him a freak and pointing fingers. I still shudder a little when I see articles that call him ‘Wacko Jacko.’
Say what you will. Call him a freak; call him a weirdo, but he was someone’s father. He was the father of three beautiful children, the only parent they’ve ever known, and all they have now are an endless amount of days that involve waking up every morning to find that he’s not there to love them anymore. My heart stopped when I saw his casket being wheeled in and I cried and smiled throughout the entire service but I didn’t really start sobbing- those gasping for breath kind of sobs- until his daughter, Paris, went up to the mic. You could see the courage in that little girl’s eyes. Once upon a time, a long time ago, I stood in her shoes too and I wasn’t able to say a word at my dad’s funeral. I will always regret it. I wish I’d had just an ounce of her courage.
I wish I could tell her that it’s going to be okay but it won’t. Nothing can replace the love of a parent and that loss stays with you forever. A little girl needs her daddy to shield her, to protect her and make her feel safe. She needs her daddy to be there to remind her that he will be the one man who will always love her no matter what. A boy needs his father to teach him what it is to be a man, to be both strong and gentle and to lead. Michael was the epitome of this and I can’t believe he won’t be around to teach his children all of these lessons.
It finally hit me on the night before the service. No more music. No more songs. No more dancing. His children will never get to grow up with their father. No more music videos. No more albums. No more tours. He’ll never perform on another stage again. I will never get to see Michael Jackson in concert.
His life just makes me so sad. Sure, he had millions and he was adored and famous but he never really had his own life, did he? The world always wanted more of him. He never had a childhood, never really found the love of his life. In the end, his money and his treasures were going to be auctioned off. All a man has then is his self, his reputation, and no one would leave that alone either. He gave so much to the world, his time, his money, his charity, his talent. Now he is gone.
The pictures and video from his rehearsal make this even more painful because we were so close. We were all so close. He looked amazing.
Some of my favorite things. Let’s start from the beginning:
Baby Michael and the Jackson 5. It’s also difficult to listen to Got to Be There, Never Can Say Goodbye, and I’ll Be There now. =(
Who’s Loving You? He really did have the voice of angel.
This commercial was able to make me tear up. A COMMERCIAL, lol. Young Michael meets and sings “I’ll Be There” with Superstar Michael. The smile they give eachother at the end is just adorable:
Most of all, I love the way he treated his fans:
You Are Not Alone. Out of all of the videos I’ve seen on youtube in the past few weeks this is my favorite by far. Michael invites a hysterical fan onstage who runs up and jumps on him. She throws her arms around him and what does he do? He just hugs her back, cradles her to his chest and holds her face in to his neck. When the guards finally drag her off the stage Michael doesn’t let go of her hand until the very last second. =D I can’t tell you how hard it is to listen to this song now.
Watch around 03:14. His 45th birthday. A bunch of fans threw an event and held a party for him at a theatre. They brought a cake, showed him paintings they had done of him, and performed his songs while he watched. He came to the party! At the end he invites a girl onstage and hugs her. She loses her flip-flops while making the climb and he picks it up for her and gets down on one knee – Prince Charming and Cinderella style- so she can put it back on. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?
You can just really tell that he loved his fans as much as they loved them. I’ve never seen a star of that magnitude still remain so gracious after so many years:
Michael: “What did she say?”
Bodyguard: “Will you marry me?”
Michael: “Ohh…” *puts ring on*
Fan: “Bye Michael!”
Michael: “See you at the wedding!” =)
He loved them back EVEN WHEN THEY WERE FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY AND CLIMBING ONTO HIS FLYING EQUIPMENT. OMG:
He was eccentric, yes, but he wanted to be normal too.
A woman that was a friend of his opened her facebook page and posted pictures of Michael. They are some of my most favorite too. Michael wearing well…lol, Michael:
She also wrote that Michael said he wondered what it would be like to go grocery shopping and “push one of those little cart things.” His staff and family and friends arranged for him to be able to go to a grocery store after hours and shop. Some of them dressed up and roamed the rest of the store disguised as other shoppers so that the experience could feel more real.
The caption said: Me and his cousin turning him into a sundae.. :D
Smooth Criminal. Who else could think up a production like this? I love the shadows on the sheet and how the pyro works as gunshots so that it can come down. And the lean? THE lean. I don’t have to say anything else:
The music video is also one of my favorites. I’ve always loved seeing him in that white pinstripe suit, fedora, and blue shirts. It’s classic.
Beat It will always remain my VERY favorite Michael Jackson video because it’s the first video I can ever remember having memorized. I still do the dance all of the time, lol, and I’m still dying to own a red jacket just like that. His live performances of it were amazing. Look at the huge crane that he’s standing on that passes and hovers over the audience. Wow.
I wish someone had told him that he was beautiful. I wish someone had told him that he didn’t need to change a thing, that he didn’t have rip and tear and cut until he was just a mask of the person he used to be. I hope that he died knowing there were still people out there who loved him and still believed in him and who were still cheering him on. I’m sorry that we had to lose him to remember how much we loved him.
Goodbye Michael. I wish I’d checked my email sooner. I wish I’d been able to do this properly. I still cannot believe you’re gone. It feels like a joke, like the worse kind of dream, and all I want is to just wake up. I know you’re somewhere looking down on us and smiling. I hope that you’ve finally found the peace that you so thoroughly deserved and could never find on earth. You were one in a million, Michael. You were once in a lifetime and if anything, I’m just so very thankful that I got to see you share your life and talent with us.
What are some of your favorite songs and memories? Feel free to share. :)
-I promise the constant posting about Michael on twitter and this journal will stop soon but right now I’m just way too sad. I never dreamed it would be this hard to say goodbye to someone I never got the chance to meet.