On a cold afternoon in the year of our Lord one thousand nine hundred eighty-one, in the land of Orangeburg, SC in the early days of King Reagan, the boy who would one day be known as Gerald was born to an unassuming daughter of a preacher-man of the United Church of Gozer and the son of a two-headed hyena and a used car salesman. His childhood was an idyllic one until the age of three, when his father woke him up early one September morning. He took the young boy in his arms, and gave him a reassuring smile, a smile that only a father can give to his innocent, hope filled son.
Then came the chloroform.
Gerald woke up a few hours later on the middle shelf of the linen closet somewhere in Greenville, SC. For the next ten years he lived off a diet of pancakes slid under the door, which were difficult to eat seeing as how Gerald was stuck on the middle shelf. For ten years he knew no light, he heard no sound. There was only the friends he found in the bed sheets surrounding him. Though, friends they were, Gerald did what he had to do in order to survive. The faces of the blankets he's wronged float up to greet to this day. Finally, in the summer of 1995, Gerald realized the door had been unlocked those long years, and stepped out into the world, a world he never made. His adventures getting to the back door were many, as the Gnomish Liberation Front had been pushed back to his hallway in their epic struggle against the Get-Along Gang.
He traveled the country side for many moons, dancing across the stars like so many lily pads on a frog infested pond. He entered the city of Clemson in the fall of 2000, with nothing but a dream in his eye and a song in his heart.
Then, then came the horrors of the Canadian-Mexican War.
War is hell.
After his dishonorable discharge in the winter of 2004, he spent a year traveling the Eastern Mississippi, acting as a sales rep for Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick-Dissolving Fast-Acting Pleasant-Tasting Green and Purple Pills. In the summer of 2005 the snowman incident occurred, and he returned to Greenville, the only home he had ever known. And he knew it in the Biblical sense. But soon the fast pace world of Sex, Drugs, and Blue Grass took its toll on his young mind and body. Many hours of solitude followed. He spent a brief day in the Betty Ford clinic, then made his way back to Clemson, looking to find a purpose in his life. There on the fourth day of the eighth month of the second year of the Aardvark he enrolled in the mystical Order of the Chapped Lips.
Toward the end of his apprenticeship of He-Who-Sews-Flags-Together-With-Fork-And-Knife he met a kindred spirit in Danihana, the Harley Quinn to his Joker. Together they blazed a trail of sunshine lollipops and death metal from the golf courses of Georgia to the foothills of the Carolinas.
Gerald currently works as a freelance crypto-zoologist. He resides in Greenville, SC with Danihana and a slightly retarded kitty named Kellie.
The location of Jeremiah Peabody is still unknown.