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Sunday, July 29th, 2007
11:12 am
kitty stuff.Collapse )

something is clearly up with me because i'm even kind of missing my family. like, i want to call them up and make them take me to target and fight in the car and make up by buying each other coffee and then fight again by the time we get to the intercom and then make up again by the time i get my straw. pms, probably. that would explain the crying.

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Monday, July 16th, 2007
3:18 pm
i should have tried harder to get into the netherlands program. i don't know what is wrong with me.

granted, as i say that i'm imagining punching all these european high school kids in the lobby because they won't shut up and the sound of ten kids speaking another language is so fucking grating.

it's not normal to direct my anger at all these people when it's MY fault i can't focus on anything without the most minor distraction interrupting me, that i have to wait til loud trucks pass before i can keep reading. or that i wait until the last minute to read ten tons of 19th century literature that i know i'm going to despise.
but i don't know what else to do. i should have taken an adderall in the morning but i just didn't remember. and i would have remembered if i were on adderall sooo. but then when i AM on it i'm just paranoid the whole time that i'm acting different, that i'm not myself, that i'm medicated in a bad way.

i know i probably wouldn't have gotten in to the program anyway. i applied to late. but maybe i applied the next day BECAUSE i didn't really want to go. if i were more into the idea, i'd have known to wait up til the application went up at midnight and submit it then, not wait a day or two. but i didn't really REALLY want to go, i was sabotaging the whole thing, because of course, how could i have gone to europe and sacrificed any time sitting on the phone all night? clearly, next semester will be far more enlightening than a fucking semester abroad.

like i need another reason to despise myself.
last nightbefore i fell asleep i felt this wave of urgency, because out of nowhere i remembered writing that note at the internship. it's mailed, gone, way too late for me to do anything. but it took a couple of weeks for the realization to catch up to me, that it was a retarded thing to do. i was getting involved on this stupid level and encouraging someone who probably should have just gotten a form rejection letter.

i know i should be working on self confidence or whatever, but sometimes i just don't get the point. why? all my reasons are valid. it's not like i'm being exceptionally negative or dramatic, they're all REAL.

i kinda think it was a bad choice to get me reading a book that tells you to take responsibility for yourself. that's all i fucking do. i can't escape it. and at some point it becomes blame, not responsibility.

can't believe how freezing it is in here. even if it were silent i'd be distracted trying to study because it's like 60 degrees. clearly we need to have central air cooling off a massive building where there are maybe 20 people present, all cold. it's fucking 70 outside, let's calm down with the earth murder. it's so hilarious that this building is supposed to be green, no one but me even turns their computers off at the end of the day.

i don't know what to do here. i said i wasn't going to think about it anymore, that worrying doesn't help, but it's not exactly a subject that can be avoided.

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11:36 am
omg i hate working upstairs SO MUCH. there are way too many distractions, the security guard talking gibberish and these faggy "i'm gay and that's my whole personality" doods giving campus tours, so i have to hear the same spiel about this building 4 times an hour, including bad jokes. "haha new car smell," get it, because it's a new building?!

i was going to take an adderall today even though i've only been taking them tues/thursdays, just so i could ignore all the distractions up here and get some reading done, but OF COURSE i forgot. now everything is getting on my nerves. every sound, ever passing truck, the shitty keyboard, the lack of space on the desk, the obnoxious lighting, the low murmuring of people near me. now i'm in a funk of MORE frustration and being mad at myself for forgetting it and mad at everyone else for distracting me and mad at myself for being so easily distracted and on and on and on. for the next 5.5 hours.

i'm reading the road less traveled and i'm about 60 pages in. so far a lot of it, maybe 2/3rds, has applied to me. but i still get really frustrated reading it. he sets most people into two categories, people with neurosis and people with character disorders. one group blames other people for all their problems, and one group blames themselves for everything [too much]. clearly, i am in the second group lolz. but the rest of the book is about discipline and taking responsibility for oneself. UMM so apparently the book is written for ... the other group? not me?

i don't know. i feel like i can't do anything right when i'm not on adderall, but i've been taking it less because i so hate the idea of it changing my personality at all. it's like nothing's changed since march. i'm still in this place where almost all of my day is spent frustrated. angry, irritated, battling a headache. and now i don't even have anyone to talk to about it, to make me feel better at the end of the day.

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Sunday, July 8th, 2007
11:47 pm
nights are the worst for me right now. i can't accept that this is my life and it's this empty and alone. and i keep trying but i dont know what else to do in the meantime or how to convince myself it's not my fault and it's still worth it to not give up looking for someone. i don't know why i only want one person at a time and iknow it's unhealthy, but i also don't want to examine it. because i was just starting to get on this road towards positivity and confidence and i realy thought that if i lost all this weight and kept working at it, i WOULD have confidence, and that would lead directly to having more than one person to talk to. but now i don't know. i don't know if i can open up all that stuff and examine it and still keep my head up. because it's going to bring up all this crap i don't want to acknowledge about myself yet. it's going to damage how i see myself, and i don't know if i can really take another blow to my self esteem.

i've lost something at the gym. i don't care as much about losing the rest of the weight and i'm not sure why. i used to use future trips as motivation, but now that feels wrong, like i'm resting on him too much. but without him i have to face how truly alone i am, and i don't know which is worse.
i guess the first is automatically worse, because i know from experience that all it does is drive people away.

i hate waking up, i never want to commit to the day having really started. and i hate the hours before i fall asleep; it's dark and quiet and it feels like there's nothing in front of me. i keep thinking i wish i could just get tired and fall asleep, let myself relax and let go and dream.

i thought i was entering a challenging but ultimately good, positive upswing in my life and now i feel like i was way, way off with that and i'm actually entering a really dark period. a period where i realize the past few years i didn't appreciate what i had, didn't make enough progress, something. i feel like maybe i can work through this but i know i can't do it alone. there has to be one person in the world i feel like truly understands me and if i lose that, i feel like i lose my place. i lose my sanity or something. it used to be my mom, because no matter what i could return to her and she still understood me, but something changed. i moved out, and... i don't know if it's natural or if i fucked up but we'll never get back whatever we lost. i feel like i cut them out. i had to push them away to some degree just to stay sane, but now i feel like i'm completely on my own.

i guess i'll try to start uncovering the roots of this because i don't feel like i have any other choice. i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. i think i'm afraid that he's right and being this alone is going to be really bad for me. but then i start to panic, because what can i do? i've been trying unsuccessfully to make friends for years; how can i just grab someone up now? every successive failure at meeting someone, and finding anyone who wants to talk to me outside of class or work, just makes me feel that much less capable the next time i try. everyone is supposed to have a home base to come back to, and i'm starting to really fear what is about to happen to me if i don't have one.

so i always thought i wasn't very effected by not having a dad, but it makes sense that i try to fill that absence with men, and i always thought that was just the end of it. i felt fulfilled with just my mom as a parent, but she was also extremely vulnerable and sometimes explosive, so maybe that has something to do with my general feeling of unease and caution about the world, the "dread" feeling i get. those were things i always chalked up to insecurity, but if a lack of self-esteem is just one component to a greater feeling of insecurity, then another is probably that 1. i was brought up by someone who was really vulnerable, and emotionally extreme, and 2. i was brought up by only one parent. i was very aware of the fact that if my mom died we'd be alone, and sometimes i thought about who we would live with and how awful and uncomfortable it would be, especially if she AND my grandmother died. i remember feeling really, really afraid when they both went out together in the car, and checking out the windows for them to come back safely. it was worst when they were out late together. the times my mom was dating paul, i stayed up late and slept on the couch and couldn't wait for her to come back, because the whole time i was terrified. and i wasn't a kid, i was a teenager. i remember sleeping next to my mom and crying because of how horrifying this feeling was, that she would die someday, and that i had no idea when, and here she was smoking and unhappy..

but then why only one person at a time? i have frank and i'm happy with our relationship. i don't have any desire to meet another guy and be with him, i don't feel unfulfilled sexually or in any other way. it would make more sense if i were kind of a slut, or habitually NOT monogamous, attempting to form more than one really special, intimate relationship at a time so i always felt i had a "back up" or something. maybe in a way i always felt i had to have my mom plus one other person, and i'd be fine? but that doesn't make sense now, because i don't feel like i have my mom. so why am i afraid to make friends with someone else? i don't want to be lonely anymore, but when the time comes to actually form the bond, i'm scared that... not even that something will go wrong, just that it will be a mistake. there'll be a general sense of resistance when i think of going to anything social. i guess i just picture myself there, unhappy and uncomfortable, suffering in my own regret. and i want to prevent that situation, and maybe i learned from my mom that withdrawing and just skipping out on that stuff saved me from even having to DEAL. if you're nervous about a party you just don't have to go. if i didn't want to sleep over stephanie's, my mom would be rightthere, trying to make up a lie for me. which was amazing, GOOD parenting sometimes. it's the kind of parenting she didn't get, and frankly i'd be much happier to get the kind of parenting i got over the kind she got. she was just trying to do what she thought her parents should have done. i get that. but maybe, i don't know. maybe she set up this pattern of withdrawal for us. she glorified the idea of closing people out, keeping only an inner circle, and staying home. i'm having trouble even condemning that, because i still have almost all good memories about staying home and spending a night with my mom instead, a feeling of true comfort and acceptance.

but i guess it was wrong to never push us to go out and try. it's supposed to be balanced; you're supposed to feel like you are always safe and accepted at home, but there should also be a healthy curiosity and eagerness to explore everything else. i feel like i have that, but it's ... tainted, with this doom feeling i get. maybe my mom convinced us that ultimately, the dangerous parts outweigh the good parts when you go "out," that there is going to be more bad out there than anything else. and who could blame her, after everything she saw? if she couldn't do it, go out and explore, she figured, she couldn't expect us to do it. and she couldn't be a hypocrite and force us, because then she'd be HER parents. her situation was the exact opposite, her family made her feel insecure, unaccepted, and so she went out looking for it, and ended up doing drugs and getting raped and getting pregnant. of course the general lesson becomes 'it's safer here.' i think i would make the same choice, because of the two, you would rather feel your kids feel accepted at home than driven to externalize, be extroverted and social, take risks - and then get hurt.

i guess it's a form of sheltering. well, okay, it is sheltering. in some ways that feels 'wrong' because my mom was always completely honest with me. she never lied, she was always level with me about everything. she didn't try to shield me from anything actively. and i don't think her intention was to bring up 'sheltered' kids. she probably still doesn't think of us that way, because my brother and i both know a lot about a lot of things, we're smart but not home-schooled nerds, we're observant and mature. but subconsciously, she knew it was right to err on the side of acceptance at home, of too much love rather than "hard," tough-love.

i think my mom was an exceptionally good parent for all that she was going through, and everything she came from. i'm not sure she's even naturally maternal, or maybe it's just that her "aura" isn't overwhelmingly feminine? but i think she was overcome with love for both of us, and through that, she found like, everything. a purpose, god, strength, something. i think of who she was before and then who she was after, and i see a transformation that was probably life-saving, or so she's told me. she became fierce, the kind of mother 'aliens' is about. so i am not trying to dig up all my bullshit and lay it on anyone else, particularly not her.

but despite the transformation and her intentions, she had more baggage than the average person. anyone has baggage and that will fuck up your kids, and my mom had extra. so. maybe the plan here is to acknowledge what she did right, and without blaming anyone, admit that she was ultimately wrong about the world.

herein lies the problem lol.

i've never been "out there" in the sense i'm talking about now. i've never been independent, i've never had my own social life, and i've never really, really taken a risk. i don't know that my mother is wrong. in fact everything in my genes and everything in my past and all my psychological issues point to her being right. but i have to somehow come up with some faith here. based on nothing, i have to just "believe" that the world is ultimately good and so risks are worth it, self improvement is worth it, being extroverted and exploratory and communicative and less shy, all that stuff, is worth it. and that i'll be okay.

the hardest parts of that are 1. as mentioned, going on nothing here. actually, going against everything. 2. there is no actual guarantee that anything WILL be okay. i could go ahead and follow through on everything and still have bad luck or chance or whatever and fall into a bad situation. i could be humiliated or fucked over or really hurt or worse. and through that, i have to maintain a status of no regrets. i can't let that prove her position right. i have to essentially ignore that. 3. the worst part? this is all theory and no action. even if i come to grips with all this psychology, motivation, philosophy, etc, i still don't know what the fuck to do. i don't know where to start, how to make friends, how to be. do the right things, he says, and i keep trying to explain that most people TRY to do the right thing, but when faced with a choice, don't have any fucking idea what the right thing IS.

and it's harder for me because i dont have any experience. i hid. i read books, where everything, the entirety of existence, is hypothetical, a what-if in some stranger's imagination. i have no social intelligence. i don't know when to accept things and when to fight back, i wouldn't know how to fight back if i wanted to, and i generally don't catch on to anything significant for a few days.

oh,and i don't have anywhere to start. most people have ONE friend, even an acquaintance, and they use them to connect with other people, and so on. i'm constructing a skyscraper: starting from scratch and i have no tools and no blueprint for what the thing is supposed to look like at the end. - cause i have no idea what kind of friendship i want, what kind of people i like, anything.

i know part of doing this self-therapy thing here is avoidance. i could, possibly, take a deep breath, go up to someone random, and start talking. but i'm not brave enough for that. and i think a rejection would be too devastating and ultimately the whole attempt would be creating another setback for myself. so yea, i'm writing here to work out my stuff first because i would rather mentally prepare. i HAVE to mentally prepare.

hyun is one of the only people i have ever felt comfortable with right away. in fact hyun's on an even shorter list, because usually i use intimacy in my relationships to speed up the hard part in the beginning. (yes, i know that's not a great thing.) once i get past that, there is usually such an emotional bond remaining that the initial part is over with. hyun is maybe the only person i've ever had besides stephanie who i genuinely feel like i could actually be friends with, no sexual tension or emotional stuff going on.
i guess it's also perfect that hyun and stephanie are POLAR opposites lol.

most people who try to make friends are starting from somewhere - they can draw on their childhood, or they can just be their own fancy selves and someone will be drawn to them, or, like most people, they hook up with one friend or acquaintance and use them to make new connections, and so on and so on.
i have none of those things going for me. 1.) my childhood - well, my whole life - has been operating on this psychology of withdrawal and insularity. 2.) i don't have any self-confidence (like, ANY) and i'm an introvert. 3.) i don't have anyone here i can latch onto like that. as many acquaintances as i make, i can never reach that level with them where i can do that.

i think the answer is to be more truthful when i'm forcing myself to be extroverted. i started being a bit of a social chameleon in junior high, taking on as many personas as i could so anyone/everyone would like me, and in social situations i can get stuck in that behavior. maybe if i'm weirder and more naturally me, the right people will be attracted to me.
easier said than done, but. whatever.
i wish there was some way to do #3 with you or hyun, but the distance is a big shittastic problem there. if george mason is in my future, maybe, but until then i gotta go with that last paragraph.

those are the only practical ideas i have. ugh.

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Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
2:59 pm
emailCollapse )

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Sunday, June 10th, 2007
7:06 pm
i burnt 575 calories and did 55 minutes of cardio plus weight training, but all it takes is one thin, beautiful woman with a fairly tight body walking down the street to make me feel like a total failure, lolz. i don't know how i ever ever ever let myself get any fatter than i am now. idk if i'll ever be satisfied with my body even when i do lose weight. i've already done the damage. i've got sagging tits and stretch marks.

plus it's going to rain tomorrow, fabulous. i don't know how i'm ever going to deal with real fucking problems. i was depressed enough on and off today with plenty of sunlight, so i know tomorrow is going to suck. it's not normal to be THIS affected by whether the sun is out. i'm a person with pretty much NO real, actual problems, and for some reason i can't shake this feeling of dread, like the secret is that everything is bullshit and anyone with a positive attitude is actually in denial. which i know is not true and it's retarded to even think, but i do sometimes. i can't get a new job to save my life, i'm too insecure to just volunteer anywhere and i have no classes or money or anything to distract myself. i'm lonely and sick of myself. i'm sick of being someone who is so lame and pissy and irritable for no reason. nothing truly bad has ever happened to me, i'm not in a bad spot. i just fucking hate myself and i feel guilty for being this miserable when there are people with ACTUAL problems and real suffering in the world. three weeks till classes start. i don't know.

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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
10:05 am
it doesn't matter how many hours of sleep i get, i always feel so tired. eight hours last night, and i'm still sluggish and sleepy and in a fog. i've been here for ten minutes and i'm already fucking bored, depressed, sick of myself, sick of being stuck in my own head with no distraction.

i don't know what happened after that trip. i was feeling so positive before and during it, and as soon as i came back... it's like i fell right back into where i was a few months ago.

i know it'll go away. i'm in a big ugly funk. i need a new job, classes, some money, some exercise, and i'll be okay. i need my period to be over, i need some vitamin D and some extra sleep. right now i just feel so lonely here. i'm sick of myself. i'm sick of all the whining and annoying disinterest that comes with depression. i need to meditate and remember that this is not permanent. i need to listen to some eric the midget calls.

my life is just so much better with him in it, and unless we're together on a trip, it's like he's not, anymore. i love that he's this happy, and it was even rubbing off on me. i don't know. i feel stuck right now.

i wish i had my fucking aspirin.
i need to find a way to get the fuck out of here early. i can't be here til five, ill explode or something.

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Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
5:46 am
sometimes when i feel like this i start thinking 'i want to go home,' and a second later i realize i am home. if my family were normal i could take a few days off and go to nashua, with a convenient car and bad food, and stare at television and sleep on the couch and hang out with my mom. like i fucking need to feel more isolated. i don't talk to anyone all day. my job is absolutely a joke and i only have it because i have no other option for money. classes are over and two years since i came here and i haven't made a single friend. i don't see a reason to be awake right now. i wish i could sleep through the summer and just fucking get it over with. i don't know how to fix my situation or even if my situation needs fixing. maybe i'm incredibly lucky and i should shut the fuck up and get over it faster. i have all these lotions and sprays and makeup and looking at them now makes me laugh. no one ever comes close to me, let alone touches me, so who the fuck am i trying to smell like vanilla for? the dude behind me at cvs?

this is uh, not a good testing situation for adderall. there's fucking no way to tell whether it's helping me or hurting me, so i can't figure out whether i should take it or not, or when to take it, or how much. am i a zombie because of it, or am i a zombie because i stayed up for two days with no sleep, or because i'm depressed, or because of my period? how could this be different from the ones i had before if they're the same brand? or maybe my tolerance level rose just a bit, and now 10mg just doesn't give me the euphoria. that makes sense. now i get why people get addicted to speed. this was like healthy speed, like i was euphoric and happy but also still me, still calm, just more confident.

everything is pissing me off. thank god jill is gone, or i might be having a fucking breakdown. i'm not leaving the apartment at all today. i have nowhere to go anyway, unless i invent something i need to buy, and i can't afford to do that.

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Sunday, June 3rd, 2007
2:49 pm
my roommate fails. she (again) acted like she was totally fine with taking care of Isabella, and i came home to shit on the kitchen floor and empty water dishes. lauren said she had to wake up at 8am and feed her and stuff. i don't get it - where is the disconnect there? "yes i will take care of a living creature," even though she knows she's going to be out of the city for more than a couple of days. there's spaghetti sauce caked on my kitchen floor and everything smells like weird vegan sauces and her unwashed feet.

i really want to visit GMU and start considering grad school. the same good vibes that hit me when i researched Emerson came back when i started checking this school out. grad school doesn't feel like such a cop out because teaching is all i've ever really been able to see myself doing as a career, and you can't teach college unless you have a Master's. plus, Virginia is so green - i don't mean environmentally, i mean... it's GREEN. earth is happening there, rivers and animals and skies you can see at night. i love boston in a way, but it's very overwhelming and i can't see myself living here much longer. i've always wanted to live in as many different places as i can - not travel, but really live there and absorb all the energy before i move on someplace else. i don't know. i'm in love with about eight different majors and i can't decide between any of them. i started an application online ten months before the deadline.

job stuff. this job is so silly over the summer. it's silly all year, really, but during schmool time it serves a purpose. i'm trying to find an internship.

finally got a prescription for adderall, three months later, and i'm playing around with the dosage to see when and how i want to use it. hopefully i won't take it every single day, but it sure is great for shaking me out of dread and depression mode, and helping me get productive. but i'm also aware that i don't want or need to be productive 100% of the time; i'm not a borg drone. i am pretty fond of my ADD brain, it lets me be silly and playful and creative and thoughtful. i like to be as sensitive as i am to stimuli.. so adderall is helpful when i NEED bracketing, but i don't want to bracket so much that i'm like... "normal." i don't need to be normal, that isn't who i am. but we do live in a society that demands constant attention, and i can only rebel against that so much. i'm going to need it sometimes, and i just gotta work on when and how i use it.

by the end of the summer, i will:
1. get healthy
2. get something else published - hopefully the CW revision in a more awesome lit mag.
3. write something new / start working on my creative thesis
4. get back on the Dean's list (fuck that 3.7 right in its butt)
5. Adderall prescription (thanks doods) - well, play with the dosage and figure stuff out, as well as narrow down side effects
6. get on birth control for rad sex + less cramps
7. find a better job or get an internship and use this job to supplement my income
8. read 1 book / month (cormac mccarthy's the road right now. not sure if i like it yet.)

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Wednesday, May 16th, 2007
1:37 pm
i feel pretty shitty. i don't know. i considered that maybe because it's time release, there'd be another "burst" of focus coming, but i don't know. maybe i can counteract the shitty effects with more caffeine than usual, because i do feel a little better after having a coffee. i'm going to try to distract myself by working on my revision but this keyboard blows and it's hard to type. it might also help to skip this trial period and try to take a second pill - but of course i forgot them at home. idk. his math is off anyway with the amount of pills he gave me.

i should have spoken up at the time but i thought he'd give me shit for taking add. without a prescription. and i still have a few adderall left over i can take. i don't know, i want to get this taken care of NOW so that i have a rx i can actually use by the time i leave for va next week.

augh, i forgot to feed the cat today, too. i don't know. i feel ugly. i hate wearing this huge shirt, i hate these sandals, i hate working upstairs andhaving to listen to the fucking security guys.

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Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
9:27 pm
it's like i spent yesterday getting healthy and today fucking it all up. i'm so depressed i'm exhausted. as anxious as school makes me, i know that summer is worse, so fucking much worse. without the structure of classes and deadlines and daily schedules, i'm lost. i'm faced with hours and hours of nothing but my own unoccupied thoughts, magnified by 1. a job that requires nothing of me and 2. less time talking with f. i've essentially spent all day today in front of a computer and that makes me feel like fucking trash.

it's like i had to balance out yesterday with today. i woke up feeling grumpy and unrested, but whatever. i went to work, where i did nothing. i spent the entire time from when i woke up to when i got back here at 6pm thinking about the following: considering how i fucked up my shoulders carrying the bike last night, what should i do about tonight? go to the gym, bike, both, neither? considering my level of activity, what and when should i eat?

by 7pm i still hadn't figured out a goddamn thing. i couldn't put it in order. the gym closes at 9, the sun goes down around 8, get out at 5, gotta eat, where can i eat, how long to go from here to apt. and back, how long to get the bike downstairs, what should i wear, do i have everything i need? finally that line of thinking exhausts me and i lose focus and trail off to something else, wandering around in my subconscious or following some other, equally unproductive train of thought, which leads me right back to the schedule. bike? gym? what? you still haven't figured that out? FUCK. more frustration.

i can't live like this when i'm already fucking depressed, or whatever is wrong with me. i can't get out of my head but i'm too shy to involve myself with anything that might distract me. i'm so fucking SICK of myself, i'm sick of this journal, i'm sick of the eye strain of staring at a computer for hours and hours and hours because it's my only link to my boyfriend / only friend / only human contact, i'm sick of being completely alone, i'm sick of being scared of the future and consumed by my own thoughts and i just feel like i'm drowning. yesterday i was medicated, yes, but i could also think the same thoughts and, while disordered, chaotic, they were not such a mess as to make me consider dropping my bike and flipping my body over the side of a bridge, like they were today.

there is an endless, ENDLESS stream of words happening in my brain. motivations, things to do, ideas, truisms, memories, things i want to say, things i forgot to do, trying to articulate feelings, trying to come up with plans. adderall makes those thoughts either enjoyable or bearable. it doesn't silence those thoughts, i don't think it makes me some wacked out medicated monster like R. or something. it shapes them. it quiets the thoughts that are way out on the sidelines. it widens my tolerance.

SORRY i can't fucking finish my thought because my massively obese childish weird roommate is in the kitchen stuffing her face with more food, unable to figure out how to close the toaster oven, more food, slam door, take a shit, more food, slam, MORE, MORE, MORE noise and more foooooood. shut. the fuck. up.

it's not normal to not be able to handle an "interruption" like that - which is not even really an interruption, it's a fucking SOUND. it's not a particularly irritating one, it's a human being about ten feet away scraping butter onto toast. so why does it send me into a rage? it disrupts ... it disrupts everything.

i don't want to bother other people with my insanity. i know how annoying this is - better than anyone, because i live inside this small glass case where i am constantly just SUFFOCATED by that endless stream of words. i worry that if i even tried to branch out from f. and find friends or a new relationship, i'd be completely rejected. i don't know how to meet people. i don't know how to find friends. i am too aware and too observant and it makes me want to just hide inside myself, or at least reside in some little corner with one or two other people. he's right; i shouldn't do acid until i've fixed this... this, whatever it is. acid is meant to expand boundaries; it's a purposeful fracturing of thoughts. my thinking doesn't need any more fragmentation than there already is. not yet.

while i love this person more than anything and i may never find anyone i'm this close to in my life, i'm aware that i'm stuck in a pattern of dependency. i didn't "break up" with scott until i was securely hooked up with alex. now that i look back at my relationship with alex, i wanted out, i paved the way out, i suggested we end it, i did everything BUT what i really wanted to do - end it. i suggested we have an open relationship, for christ sake - two college kids living an hour apart, having an open relationship. and then i got pissed that he had sex with another girl. but even that, i couldn't do it, i couldn't end it. i had only just begun to feel better about not being with alex when i started going to parties with s. and made out with d. and getting comments from f. it's all one long stream of men, a continuum. because the truth is i'm just too weak to stand up and be alone. i need to wrap myself up in someone else's validation and love, and that both scares and disgusts me.

i'm dependent on this journal. shit, i might as well keep the window open all night, all day. if i had the energy i could keep typing this way for hours, because this is how mythoughts move. it's too much. it's too heavy. i can't... it exhausts me. but seeing the words in front of me makes them concrete, forces me to finish the thought. it's good for me, i think. for catharsis, anyway. too much of it would mean implosion: you can't have your head shoved THAT far up your own ass, can you?

i have been typing pretty much nonstop for half an hour. i need to stop, but i'm addicted. i'm afraid if i walk away from this window, from this expulsion of all these shitty words, that i'll just get filled right back up too fast, and i'll start drowning in it again.

i don't want to look forward to the doctor's appt. so much that i get so disappointed that i crash, but what the fuck else am i supposed to do? i need to remind myself that there is an END to this insanity, that there is SOME CHANCE out there - one that i've already experienced and has worked - for me to be ... not normal, but capable. if i'm drowning, throw me a fucking float; i'm still going to have to kick my way out of the flood.

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Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
8:51 pm
I feel so insane when I post and then immediately go BACK to the update page. I guess part of uhh, healing? coping w/ ADD is this constant need to like, speak/think "out loud" (as in, thinking in full, coherent, concrete sentences, like this) because it takes away from the chaos. For me, anyway. I just have a shitty memory and seeing the words written out helps me remember them.

Thank you cards, mom's day card - do (at work) tomorrow!
after work, if I do work: biiike riding, but I guess I shouldn't go to the gym again. Unless I don't work, then I could do both. idk, it's probably bad to work out this much every single day.

Tonight: shower, eat, clean up a little and switch on over to the desktop.

defrag, etc. laptop. Backup dvd and mail netflix. i've spent like a year? (2?! uhh) on this laptop and i GOTTA switch back.
so send everything - all documents, files, etc. - to hotmail, and dl them on the desktop, and then deleeeeete.

i keep forgetting to ask jill about taking care of the cat while I'm gone. I have to do that... I wanted to do it via email but now it's weird bc she's home haha. like, two feet away.it's so awkward tho, ugh.

i'm also thinking of lots of things to do in va while p's at work. selling on ebay (make list of stuff t sell, ship when i get back? i guess?), uhh, read stuff (okay, read a LOT), go jogging maybe, write, apply to grub street, uhhh meditate, lolz. okay, that is one list I clearly need to work on.

I keep thinking I'm hearing my phone ring :| ughhh annoying.

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8:45 pm
This was originally a post at my real journal, and then an email to F, and then I realized it's pretty much just three paragraphs of obnoxious happiness no one cares about but me. And since I never ever post in here when I feel GOOD, I figgered it should be over here. Especially because the contrast between the post right before this and this one is particularly inspiring/interesting.

10mg and my mood went from a strange place of existential doom to hardcore health loving happiness. This does not get me high, it makes me stable, capable, it makes me... myself, only uninterrupted. I don't zero in on one small thing and explode it into a world of worry, I don't get lost in a chaotic mess of thoughts and ideas I can't connect, I don't feel exhausted by the hectic input/output exchange that usually leaves me frozen, paralyzed, unable to act at all except in EXTREMES.

I sat on my windowsill and listened to optimistic music and soaked up some Vitamin D. I had a nice guy fill my tires with air for free. I put on a silly looking helmet and rode a bike for the first time in something like TEN YEARS. I walked it for the most part on the road, then rode maybe three or four miles in the Esplanade and around the Common. Emailed landlord to see if I can lock it up in the laundry room for easier access, drank 7oz of Bolthouse Farms' Valencia Orange Juice and about 4oz of P♥M Wonderful pomegranate juice<333. Isabella has taken my place on the windowsill and looks sufficiently engaged and mystified by the birds and bugs and sounds of a world outside our apartment.

Now I'm going to walk up to Whole Foods for some groceries and head to the gym because yes, I have MORE energy! (Or maybe the other way around. Whatever.) I need to buy a bike lock tonight, take a shower, and consider covering __'s shift (or at least part of it) for some extra money.

(it is weird that sometimes I say "p" or "f" and sometimes i say "you" and sometimes i say "you" and then i edit it and make it P. or F. lolz.)

I think I am going to email K. and say I can take her shift. I worked out a LOT today, and while I do wanna ride my bike tomorrow, I could use the extra money. I should at least try to make back the amount I just spent on bike stuff :x it was just a lock and a bike seat (which I DESPERATELY need because my ass hurts a LOT) but I really shouldn't be spending money now. Esp. since I'm only working two days this week, and as of right now I only have one day scheduled next week, before the summer schedule starts officially, and then I go to VA for ten days, where I'll make NO money. SIGH.

Isabella seems to really love the windowsill as a seat; she's so friggin entertained lol. It's so cute.

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8:50 am
i have nothing to do and nothing to look forward to today.

i feel incredibly irritated with everything right now, and i've only just woken up. it might be an adderall day. fuck. well, i think i have five pills left, and a week until the doctor's appointment, so.

maybe i need to involve myself with projects. maybe that's how i avoid the feeling of dread and unarticulated frustration and anger, with or without meds. writing, reading, dvds, submitting, working out.

i wanted to ride my bike today but now i feel so frustrated, it's like my "reservoir" for irritation is already filled in the less than 30 minutes i've been awake. maybe if i pop an adderall and take a quick shower i can get rid of that.

whole foods - fruits, breakfast stuff, chicken, tuna, turkey.
pom juice?
school: return library books, pick up paper, pick up exercise book.
gym - do at LEAST an hour. eat a little something before.
soy/protein after.
switch to desktop, clean this one up.
uhh, read? i don't know.

i'm already clenching my teeth at every sound she makes.
ugh, no wonder i don't have any friends. other people probably look at me and see how miserable and bitter and whiny i really am. and ihate being this way.

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Sunday, May 6th, 2007
7:01 pm
i've had a glass of soy and a soy latte, plus tuna since my workout. i feel so good after the gym. my cat is curled up sleeping on my backpack. pee is drunk and on the webcam. i feel pretty happy.

i need to remember to make a short and long term list of shit to get done over summer. i keep thinking of new things to add to it and i want to collect them all in one place, and then post it here.

i want to write more and read more. i don't know. every summer i put that stuff off and suddenly the summer's over. and every time i put things off i remember that whole mortality thing and feel guilty for falling prey to the whole illusion of "later."

when i read this girl's post from my class, i felt really jealous. she wrote about how she went out and celebrated the end of the semester with her bf and another friend, and got drunk. i wish i had that. i told my family my grades and they didn't even respond to me.

missing pee. i want it to be trip-time. i'm going to have a money problem when i'm there, i bet. ugh. only reason i wish it were later is because i want to lose more weight by then. idk. heh, he just said:
there is joy in waiting. there is suicide in having nothing to wait for.

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Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
2:44 pm
for Spring 08!

-LI204 Slipstream Lit
-WP490 Creative Thesis
-WP590 or WP302 Copyediting
-300+ level Lit course.

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Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
11:01 pm
LOL. i can't believe that i've been worried about the tests / q&a i'm going to have to endure to "prove" i have ADD. i mean, i get it, it induces so much anxiety and self-doubt and i hate when anyone doubts anyone and misunderstandings make me feel so uncomfortable and frustrated. but clearly? the answer is to just fucking SHOW the psychiatrist THIS FUCKING JOURNAL. lololol. okay, school pretty much consumed my life for the past few months, but if i edited that out (or just the repetitive stuff) it would be like SUP, here is my EVIDENCE. eat that.

i need adderall to survive two days with my family. but i also need it to avoid the hellish spiral of negativity i sink into without it, even on normal days. idk how i'm going to deal without it. i took it 12 hours ago and i'm sure it's basically out of my system (positive, actually - i tried to read before and i couldn't concentrate at ALL), but i still FEEL it in a way. or rather, i feel the effects of having been pretty much happy all day. it's weird to think that it's really... not supposed to be this rare lol.

okay, i need to set my alarm to take the trash out EARLY or else i'm a dick. then it's a crappy shift from 12-5 upstairs, not looking forward to that, and then a light workout at the gym... i guess i could just do 20 minutes or something on the elliptical. i SHOULD take a day off to even it out but i won't have time to go friday or saturday, and i skipped sunday and monday. idk. tues, wed, thurs, sunday = a crappy gym schedule, but it's better than just not going.

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Monday, April 30th, 2007
11:10 pm
i've had a headache for hours and it won't go away. i hope this isn't some newly discovered side effect from adderall.

presentation tomorrow, return books to the library, and then go to the gym. then that's it, and school's over, junior year complete. i don't want to think about how awful this summer is going to be. voyager just made me cry and all i can think about is how much i want coffee or chocolate or both. which i guess adds up to my period is coming any day now. fuck. i need to make a list of stuff i need to use the summer to get done, and another list of stuff i want to get done in nashua. i should gather books together to drop off for that prison donation thing and i need to go to shaw's tomorrow and get cat food. guess how fast i'm going to forget all of that? amazing. and i'm sure i'll forget my wallet again too.

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Friday, April 27th, 2007
9:51 pm
my workout today (and yesterday) pretty much sucked. maybe doing shitty workouts every day is equal to 3 or 4 normal workouts? lol i don't think it works that way. i don't know what my problem is, but lately i have no energy and i get so overheated in there within minutes that i just want to give up. i drink tons of water but after a few i'm sweating so hard, it drains all my energy right out of me. in the beginning i could go for an hour. where did all that strength go all of a sudden?

even now i've been up maybe 12 hours and i'm already exhausted. maybe f is right and i am depressed all of a sudden after classes are kinda sorta over. i can't imagine my experience all summer being limited to that shitty little desk, the silent halls, my obnoxious boss. i don't know why i can't make any friends, what it is about me that holds back so i never actually hang out with anyone. my life isn't fun. now, without talking to p, it's even less fun than it was, even more pathetic and alone. his life just got better times a thousand, and somewhere in the process we ended.

i'm even (unconsciously) scheduling my work days for the whole summer in accordance with his schedule. it's so retarded. but really, i have nothing else to go on. no other commitments and i'm too fucking lazy to get another job, to spoiled and shy to volunteer my time, too undisciplined to use all this time off to do something constructive, like read or write or get involved or lose weight or make friends or SOMEthing. graduation is approaching too fast and i'm terrified of the real world. i put as much space between me and my family as i could manage, and know i feel totally alone because it's like i've grown apart and now they don't even recognize me. well, shit. if i lose him, that means no one on the planet really knows me.

i hate being alone with my thoughts like this; they inevitably turn to negativity even when there's not much negativity going on. i'm so afraid for this summer. i'm afraid of what my brain does when it's this unoccupied, and i can't occupy it unless i'm forced to... i don't know why. maybe i should waste another couple thousand dollars and take another summer class, just to fill my time. i'm scared of what i'll do if i'm this alone for months.
maybe i'll take up drinking. who knows, maybe alcohol will help me write better.

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Thursday, April 26th, 2007
10:07 pm
new ADD evidence (lolz)
I have a really hard time talking to my family because they all talk about FLUFF. I want to get to the MEAT of conversation: politics, literature, what makes a book or a movie good or bad, behavior, sociology. Ok, that sounds like I'm some uppity intellectual but what I mean is I don't want to talk about fluffy family stuff and fake work stories. I don't care. It's exactly the opposite when I talk to F. Apparently ADDers are very "so what's the bottom line?" about everything.
I realized more today but I'm too tired to type it all out.

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