The title sounds dramatic.
it just ran through my brain.
allow me to explain myself on it.
I love Jesse, and I always have. No denying that.
but while things are different now than they were before, and we're doing really good....I'm still frightened to death that at any second that's going to get ripped away from me again.
I'm about to take the biggest step of my life in moving in with him. And I'm not having second thoughts, not worried that I'm not ready. Just afraid of an end that I know isn't actually looming in front of me. And yet, every time he gets at all distant...even if I know what's on his mind, i still worry endlessly that I don't actually know, and that things could suddenly change on me.
None of that made any sense.
and it's a very strange update, especially after I have not posted anything in over a year. But it's on my mind, and this is really the only place I could think of to get it out.
It seems like decades since I updated this LJ.
I've been too wrapped up with my millions of other things going on in life.
and even though I've so much that's happened with my since my last entry, I've nothing to say about it. I have no witty comments, I have no insightful lessons...I'm happier than I was through most of the time writing in this. And I've had so many new experiences in 2006 alone that I can't even begin to just tell you in one entry.
Maybe someday I'll cave and tell you all.
Most of you on my F list know some of it. I ask you not to spam me with excessive comments about things that you know, as I know it just as well, and in fact better.
New community - GreedxLust ^_^.
I haven't updated this thing in ages.
Honestly, I think it's because I've got this thing now where if I update, I want it to be well thought out and insightful. You know, kind of...something you can appreciate well enough.
I actually think I'm going to retire this LJ...
DON'T get me wrong. I love LJ and I'm not leaving forever, just..changing my LJ.
I am, actually. I'm going to change it. I'll keep you posted. Love to all.
Well lets see. Today marks an event in my life. The last day of high school.
It's been a fun ride. 12 solid years of school has taught me things that the teachers didn't expect (and probably never wanted) it to. It taught me what kind of people to surround myself with, and more importantly, what kind of person to be. School taught me to question authority and be who I am without any arguments. It taught me that life is not like the movies that you see where once you turn sixteen life is this magical thing where you're drop dead gorgeous and you get a red convertible for your birthday.
It's so weird, I can't imagine NOT going to school. Come August, I'm not going to know what to do with myself. It's going to be strange to know it's a school day and not be jammed into one of those so comfortably uncomfortable chairdesks for about six hours of the day. It's going to be tear-jerking not to hear that hideous bell ever 45 minutes and get up and trance my way to the next chairdesk. What's really gonna be heartbreaking though, is come 11:30 or whatever time lunch starts. It's going to be hell to know I'm not going to be there for our crazy lunchtime galas with the ice cream and the personal jokes spread like a virus around the table. I won't miss the 20 minute lines for mediocre food much, but I'll miss the conversations we had while in them or about them. Lunch is what made school school, to tell you the truth. If it weren't for lunch, no kid would make it through the day, not because of hunger, but it's essentially free time. It's when more memories of school itself are actually made.
To my three closest friends for the last year: Thank you for being there. Jared said it all in a few simple words in my memory book. It's been a crazy ass year for the four of us. We've shared and kept secrets to boot. You three have been amazing beyond words. You've been there for me through more in the last year (or two, I've known you for two, all of you.) than is possibly imagineable. What with my drama and insanity, I'm suprised you could put up with me (lol) but you did and I love you for it. Alex: I love you forever, you're a doll, and don't you dare lose contact, because sure as hell I'm going to be there with you every step of the way "In Spirit, anyway.". Angie: I love you forever. You're like the sister I never had in so many ways I can't even explain it. You know exactly what I mean and what I'm going through even if I don't. Jared: You're a tool. But I love you, if it weren't for you this year, then I can honestly say life wouldn't be near as exciting; and I wouldn't have NEAR as many questions.
To All of my friends in general: I love you all, never forget that. No matter what I'm here for you. If you ever should need me you know what to do "It's Just a Jump To The Left." and automatically, you know I'll be there. "In Spirit anyways.". Now. For old times sake, EVERYBODY! Put your Right hand over your hearts...And your left hand over your neighbor's Crotch!!! And repeat after me! I Pledge Alleigance to the lips, of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And To the Decadence for which they stand. One movie, under Richard o'Brien. With Pleasure, and Susan Sarandon for ALL! It's been a blast guys, thank you so much and I hope you never forget me because I KNOW I'll never forget you. I'd wanted to do something, to go out with a bang. Leave my mark on the school. But I've left you guys there, and that's plenty enough. ^_^.
Not long now until I'll be in Colorado. "Living in my shithole apartment" or at least a cute little duplex on capitol hill. But you know what. Fuck that. They tell us to dream, then knock it down. I'm bursting out.
Now. That should say.
"Not Long Until I'm living in Australia. Filthy rich and famous and living in a mansion with Tye. All of you can be permanent temporary residents and it will be a nonstop party. I'll be in all the movies, on the cover of all the magazines and You all fucking know that that's the damn truth."
Before I finish this Advice. Straight from me to all of you. Don't let drama take over your life, especially not in your Senior year, all it does is screw you up and make you miserable. Don't catch Senioritis because it's the worst mistake I ever made, and I know I'll pay for it. Don't be stupid. And don't EVER leave your friends behind for some stupid guy or girl because it's just not worth it. Have as much fun as you can, gather your experiences, and don't be afraid to be yourself always and forever. Every step of the way.
I love you all!
-- Copied from my RvB --
I'm not entirely sure what's up with me. For the past couple of days I've been so entirely fatigued, maybe I'm mentally exhausted. Some imbalance seems to have been tossed off into my life and it's causing me to go through these anger bouts. I blow up at people for the stupidest and most petty things. I was trying to tell someone something, but he was getting advice from someone else and I didn't realize this and I was like "hey.." so he goes "I don't wanna hear you right now I wanna hear her.." and I got so defensive and offended and flipped out. "GO TO HELL. You're a fucking asshole." then he came over to get my advice and I was just like "Sod off dillweed."
I don't know why, ordinarily I'd have been like "oops. My bad. tch." and sat and waited for him to get done talking.
Anything can set me off like this recently. I was searching through my computer, and boom, I found something that I'd thought I'd lost forever. Something I didn't think I saved (and it probably would have been better for my mental health if I HADN'T saved it.) and I read the entire thing and overwhelming sadness and loss settled over me. And yet, I didn't delete this conversation. Nor any of the about 15 others I have with the same person on my computer. It's inflicting me, and I know it, but I refuse to do anything about it, why? because I'm stupid. I'm stupid to think that somehow if I save these, it might shimmer some speck of hope or potential into the whole deal. Even though I know it won't, I keep them, foolishly hoping that they will. Why? And then there's the burn. The fact that even the slightest thought leaves me feverish. This is still a mystery.
I've been reading these books by David Sedaris, the only author so far who has gotten me to willingly read (and enjoy) Nonfiction writing. And while the books are great, they leave me feeling wretched. Not because the stories are wretched, because I read wonderful writing and automatically fear that I could never possibly write anything that amazing. I write and sometimes it's exceptional, but I could never do satire to the extent Sedaris does. I can't do fantasy as intricate as Rowling or Tolkein or Paolini. There are so many proclaimed Idols of mine, yet I fear I could NEVER live up to the legacy they've left for me. I have such big shoes to fill and for once, tiny feet.
I find myself modifying, and re-modifying my dreams. Once upon a time it was a dream that I would automatically graduate and move to Colorado, and in a year, automatically become an published author, actress, and model, living in California with Tye. Then California became Australia. Then I had to find time for college before all that. Then it became hard work to graduate. Then we realized money is a huge issue. Now I find myself saying "I can't wait to move into a little shithole apartment in crackwhore central of Downtown Denver and working at the Hard Rock Cafe or some Coffee Shop or MAYBE Rave's Oh My Goth for only slightly over minimum wage with Tye. Maybe I'll work on a book and maybe I'll find an acting coach after a few years, when I'm too old and worn and broken by every day monotony to live up to the dreams that I have today, but for now that shithole is my main goal. If I have kids I'll send them to Dora Moore and East. That's my dream." Is that really what I've become? That's scary.
All of this piles into my mind and runs about like "Whee!." And I've decided, just now, sitting here at the computer typing this, that THAT is why I'm so tired. I'm worn out from life, and a nap isn't going to help.
So this is a bad thing.
I think my exhaustion is driving me mad. And I don't mean this in a rhetorical "blah this is driving me crazy" way that everyone says every day of their life. I mean, it's actually driving me into clinical insanity.
It started at lunch, and this used to happen to me all the time, still does periodically, but at lunch it was so vivid...Someone screamed my name, like I hadn't been paying attention to them and they'd been talking to me for a long time. you know the tone. "HALEY!" and I jumped and turned around and shouted in the general direction "WHAT!" and basically ended up freaking out the rest of the kids at the lunch table.
Well. whenever I'd hear someone calling me, or talking to me like that before I'd just kinda turn around and look confused, and ask somene near me if they'd said something. Pretty general. But this was the first time that I can remember responding back to the call. If the call had stayed, what would it have said? what would it have told me to do or talked about?
I took sleeping pills last night with the hopes of being able to get more rest. That hope was diminished however when two hours after taking said pills all I'd managed was a lethargic sleep-like state where I was still consious but could only just move. That was not my goal. I did get to sleep, but I doubt that the pills were much of a help. I did have a dream, but now I can't remember it to save my life. Isn't that fun? It could have been terribly important and I forgot it. How clumsy of me.
I daresay I should bring this journal to a close. The last day of school before a three day weekend. A weekend which I shall have little (if any) time on my beloved computer, so I bid you all adieu. Thanks for reading.
Ariel. If you haven't gone shopping already and gotten me my present I found out what you can get me.
A ring. with a Yellow stone. Size eleven. doesn't matter if it's silver or gold in colour but it must have a yellow stone.
If not that's fine ^_^ I just remembered that I wanted that last night after you called lol. <3
So I'm Eighteen.
Legality is upon me. Eep!!!!!
Mommy got me a Camera, DDR for PS2, and loads of Film.
Angie got me a little garden kit thinger.
And I got 11 bucks total from random people.
Thanks for that guys. Lovers on y'all!!
Ari - I shall update the FF. Can we call it "Star Cross'd"???? -puppy eyes-
Sir, EXCUSES ARE TOOLS OF INCOMPETENCE, WHICH BUILD MONUMENTS OF NOTHINGNESS. AND THOSE WHO SPECIALIZE IN USING THEM, SELDOM AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. HOORAH!
Why were we talking about this?
ohyes. In Government class today. Alicia was teasing Jay about the fact that she didn't bring in her book again. And she says "excuses, excuses...what was that thing?" and I turned around and said it. And they all looked at me like crazy. I told them I had to know it for ROTC.
For some reason that surprised my teacher. Mr Unger just looked at me all wide eyed like "YOU WERE IN ROTC?!...what did you get kicked out?" What the shit is that? no I didn't get kicked out. I liked ROTC, that's actually surprising. I did like ROTC....it was quite interesting actually. and they all acted like it was the coming apocalypse.
Meh. Oh well. In other news...
oh yeah the fever.
So this following bit is copy/pasted from my xanga, but I want any and all info and help I can get on this.
Have you ever had a dream, and woken up in the morning burning up? Like....you're not sweating, in fact, you're very dry. But you're burning so bad it feels like you're on fire or have a bad fever? Like...it almost feels like how your face feels when you blush, all hot and bam, but it's still hotter, and this is all over the place.
This has been happening to me as of late. And I realized with a slight scare this morning (though that could have been just...my dream in general) that every time I wake up with this burning thing going on, it's when my dream involves...one person in particular. And NO. Not in the way you all are thinking. in any way. Even if he doesn't talk. Even if he doesn't make an appearance but the whole thing in the dream circles around him. Even if it's wonderful, horrible. If he's in the dream in any way, I wake up burning. and this scares and confuses me.
And it's bad enough that this happens when I have a plain old sleeping dream etc etc. But it's downright infuckingsanely creepy when I'm sitting in Spanish class with nothing to do so I let my mind wander and of course it just so happens to wander to him and all of a sudden from the pit of my stomach and branching out to my arms, and spine, and face and chest and legs and just everywhere, this insufferable heat, burning, fever just kind of...happened. Now. See. It's NEVER done that before.
Help me? Someone?