she sang that song and did it better than me. i still judge myself based on how i think she feels about me. and lately she's acting like i don't exist, which makes me feel the same way about myself. and then i think that if i hadn't fucking rocked the boat, if i'd just stayed miserable and heartbroken, well, maybe it'd be less bad than being even more miserable and heartbroken now. i didn't sob, before. i just whined.
i was sad before, and frustrated. but now i'm uncertain and worried that i'll never be able to judge myself on my own merits.
the last time i sobbed i had just asked her to move out of my home. which she pretty much took as "please leave my life". funny how something so bad for me is the thing that touched me most deeply in this world. fortunate that i've never lost anyone closer to me, and i'm lucky - there are several.
wish i understood human emotion. or maybe it's better that i don't.
i'll probably delete this in the morning.
the morning response: i won't delete it, i'll just explain it from a different emotional place. it's good to recognize and remember, even the embarassing moments.
i was feeling pretty emo last night. true feelings that i've been wrestling with, but it's not a constant thing--i usually feel pretty good about myself. i do still miss the relationship i poured the most energy in my life into--and by that i mean that i miss the good friendship that was actually usually functional under the dysfunctional romantic relationship. and who knows, she might just still be taking healing time, and she'll act like a friend again, someday. i haven't given up, i just start to grow weary of being the only one trying, months down the road.
though i do sometimes judge myself based on my (probably wrong) perception of what she seems to think about me, i usually judge myself based on what's happening in the moment--the people i AM interacting with. the joy i still facilitate, the change in the world i still effect, the adventures i still enjoy.
so don't worry--rejoice that somewhere in that relationship, i got a real gift--i got feelings back which i'd repressed/buried for 18 years, and with them came some sadness, but more capacity for joy, too. and i know that's good, even when i'm crying hard.
thanks for your support. now, it's boardgame and brunch time!