chris (_fool) wrote,

so this is how it ends

...feels more like a whimper than a bang. strangely reminiscent of the last time i disengaged from being in love,, 1999 or 2000 with shaynabelle. trying to apply the lessons i learned there--stuff like:

  • continued sexual fantasies do not help with falling out of love (a shame, since the two ladies i've been deeply in love with were extremely sexually attractive to me and were hard to permanently withdraw from the spank bank)
  • sometimes you really do need more space/time than you want to, to nurture the remaining friendship
  • new interests take it very poorly when you confess that you are honestly not over the old interest yet. which is a fair way to feel, but i think many people aren't honest about it and they get credit for just keeping quiet while i lose points for being an open book.
  • she might be hurting, a little, too.

there were fireworks, the good kind and the bad kind, in the during of our relationship and its end. but as her time in the house wound down, she retreated due to the should-have-been-expected miscommunication, which we managed to convince me tearfully was all my fault. i still think it was, but i *feel* like it wasn't. she's such a great debater. i need to take a remedial debate class. and hire someone to walk around with me taking mental notes back to which i would refer during debate, since my mental notepad is completely fucking unreliable.

or i could start dating people that are active communicators. so, you know, we solve problems before they are big problems. that might not be a bad idea and might be something that could *actually* happen in *this* reality =)

so when she finally left, it was just "goodbye, good luck, and i hope we can still be friends". and i cried a little.

thank goodness kdaisy721 is here just now. she helps, as always, quite a lot really. and all of my friends. you guys are great, too. thanks for your ongoing support! i'm already in better shape than i would have expected, and remembering more about the disengagement with shay and how i repeatedly fucked that up (but thank you so much, shay, for being the wonderfully forgiving person you are and still being such a close friend despite my ridonkulous behavior back then!) and trying to disconnect those mental pathways and behavior patterns. and succeeding some. and failing some. and life will go on.

just now, i am going to pick up a mattress to improve the pillow room. yesterday i worked with a group who are living my dream (doing bike tours for a living), which, hey, i would love to be doing too and yay for a first step down that path (thanks, tinyfroglet, for the brainstorm/encouragement that got me there!). i am finalizing plans to paint my entire house (insides) this summer with a new friend (platonic) who is incredibly much "my kind of person", to turn it into a space i love, rather than a community i love in a space i just kinda like. and, pedalpalooza! 5 days out! omg! my life, she is so great. and i believe i shall return to the unequivocal love of life soon enough. so yay!
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