March 2005
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William the Bloody aka Spike

“ I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. All I ask is that... is that you try to see me”

I do see you — that's the problem! You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me”

I couldn’t believe it, it felt as if my heart was ripped out and stepped on over and over again. All the walls in my world came crashing down with those few words she said. She up and left me sitting there. I could feel the tears start to make their way out. Cecily was my night and day, the air I breathed. She is what inspired my poetry, poetry I thought was beautiful, especially in this harsh world. Even mother thought it was beautiful. She was the only one who cared ‘bout me. The only one who loved me, mother was all I needed anymore. Just me and her. I would continue to take care of her and look after her. I don’t need those damn social parties anyways. None of them understand me.

I stood up grabbing hold of all my papers. I had to get out of this place and now. I had to make it back home to mother. Of course I won’t tell her everything that happened, it will break her heart to hear how they poked fun at my poetry. Mother was so excited ‘bout me going out tonight, ‘bout me talking to Cecily. Of course she would never try to actually see me, maybe I really was beneath her. But if only she would’ve given me the chance, I could’ve proven to her I was better then that. That I wasn’t beneath her. I was a good man a nice man at that. I didn’t believe in violence or wrong ways. I just wanted everyone to be happy and live in peace. What was so wrong with that, wouldn’t a woman of pure beauty rather enjoy a man full of beauty and not such harsh things.

I didn’t care anymore as I walked though the streets. I just pushed my way though everyone. I could feel the tears pouring down my face, nothing seemed to mater anymore. It felt as if there was a knife being stabbed into my stomach, deeper and deeper as every minute went by. I was so excited to see Cecily tonight. So excited to read to her my poetry to confess my love for her. I had high hopes which I suppose I shouldn’t have. But mother even gave me the will to not be ashamed of my feelings, to go for it.

Why me? I loved her why couldn’t she see that, why couldn’t she just give me a chance. I pushed my way though a few people, actually bumped into the one. “Watch it” I mumbled in a soft voice. Of course I wouldn’t have never said a thing like that, I would’ve normally said sorry or something but I didn’t care right now.

I made my way through a back alley and continued to head towards home.

William the Bloody aka Spike

Bloody slayer got herself in a real mess this time. Fell for that whole Dracula trawl thing. Don’t surprise me much, the slayer was asking for it. Yes, the Buffy Summers herself fell for it, and she thought she was invincible. Shows you what happens when you think your on top. Doesn’t excite me much that it was good ‘ol Dracula that got to her first, never cared for the poor bugger much.

Summers went on a lil killing spree even got that boyfriend of hers Riley, never liked the guy much. Thought I was gonna be able to have a little fun with the former slayer but Red decided to do a bit of patching up. Did real good one on Buffy might I say. Shoved a bloody soul up in her, just like Angel now. Don’t ‘uppose the two of them can be soul mates now. She even ran off to him. Can’t say I didn’t see that coming.

I hear that pesky watcher’s council pulled some strings and got that other slayer Faith back out here. Great just what we needed another bloody big bad slayer galloping around, oh right she was doing that whole redemption thing. Seems to be the in thing recently. I of course wasn’t going down that path, no bloody way. Just have that soddin’ chip shoved up my head right now, only reason I’m all soft. But as soon as I get that out say no more mr. nice guy. To think I will be spending eternity with both Angel and now Buffy. Ok well, not with them but don’t ‘uppose I won’t run into them here and there. Always seem to have that happen anyways with Angel. Unless of course I stake the two of them myself, bet they wouldn’t see that comin’. Probably be too high up in their little world of souls.

I grin at the thought of that. Tossing the bud of my fag to the ground as I head though the graveyard. Until Faith got here I got to do that whole fighting the good fight thing. Not that I wanted to but a man’s gotta get his fixin’ somehow now doesn’t he? Can’t bloody beat anything good because of that chip but sure as ‘ell can beat the bloody pulp out of something evil. Might as well give it a go since its all I got.

William the Bloody aka Spike

Ah yes, so mother thought it would be good for me to apply something to my life. Try something new instead of just bumming around. Twenty-one years old and i still didn't have a straight job. Well, I did have one for awhile working some day care center but I quit the damn place. They just wanted me to sit around all day watching some stupid buggers running around bitchin' and moaning. Wasn't gonna put up with that sort of thing now was I. Besides they told me I needed to work harder and not just stand around smoking fags all day. Didn't like that attitude much so told them to piss off and walked off. As soon as mother found out I was jobless again she started to get all worried. Now let me tell ya, I'm right bad down to the bone, but with mother I had a softer side. Only one who ever believe in me. Even when I told her I was moving across the Ocean to give the rock star life out in America a chance.

Yep, went and got my self a band like the Sex Pistols. We rocked up the local scene for a while but the stupid buggers said I cared too much 'bout other stuff, said I wasn't hard enough for them. I'll show them. So now here was mother always worrying 'bout me, it was time for me to do something to make her proud. So I tired out for this show. Of course I knew I would get in, not like they would find anyone else like me. I'll actually give this show the kind of spark it needs. Besides my bad boy image that the girls just love.

Well, headed out on the first plane from New York to Boston. Never been to this state before but have heard some nice things 'bout the East coast. As soon as I got off the plane there was a camera crew and limo waiting for me. Now this was the life might I say. This is how it will be everyday for me once I become a bloody rock star.

The limo drove me to the house and I stepped out eyeing the place down. "Nice digs" I said as I stepped forward. I walked up to the door and opened it up. I wasn't gonna be polite and knock or anything of that sort. If someone was already in here then they would just have to deal with me walking right in. Besides this was my house to now, so no one should give a damn.

This house was a bit huge for my liking. Never was one for splendor and beauty. I carried the few bags that I had packed though the house. I wasn't one who needed many accessories, just needed a few T-shirts and pair of jeans, my leather duster and a good pair of boots. Pretty simple guy I am.

I headed toward the bedrooms, figure I better pick out my place before some stupid sod gets the best rooms. I glanced in each room. Each was different, had a different style and theme to it but still a bit on the fancy side. Compared to my room in the loft I have. Not much of anything really besides a bed. Guess room number 6 will do. Nothing to much, not a lot of those fancy decorations like those other rooms had. This one was a bit simple, nice size bead read sheets. I fancied the color red right after the color black of course. Besides I could probably get away putting up some of my posters in this room.

I set my bags down and took note of the room. Most would start to unpack now, even if I did have much to unpack I wouldn't waste my bleeding time doing it. Life is short, why sit around plopping up all your treasures just for your own comfort. Soon it would be time to meet the other guests. Couldn't wait for that, wouldn't be surprised if their all comfortmist bastards. I have a feeling I won't get along to well with the rest of them, don't really get along too well with anyone besides my mates.

William the Bloody aka Spike

"Well, him suddenly becoming CEO of Hells personal lawfirm, without reason, constitutes as a sudden lapse of sanity. That, or shit load of lies. I came to find out which it is. I'm leaning towards the latter, though. I mean, it doesn't seem Angel like to be here. Not after all the fighting he did against this place."

I managed a small laugh “Angel..evil. Nope. Believe me I would know if it was Angelus. All Angel up in there. Besides he’s still crazy as ever for you. Should see the look on his face every time I mention you.” I gave a light smile and glanced into her eyes. I watched as she seemed to be deep in thought. Almost like she didn’t know what to say. Guess you wouldn’t know what to say when your facing someone you told ‘I love you’ to but didn’t mean it. And now to top things off was here to get with the ex again. Must be hard.

I was starting to think that maybe I should just leave, the her alone finally. Didn’t want to add more stress to her life then I already did. Was always a problem for the slayer. I was bout to open my mouth, make some witty comeback bout her and Angel but then all of a sudden out of no where she came crashing down into my arms. I couldn’t believe what bloody happened. I was in shock. Don’t know if it was happiness, worry or fear. The way she came crashing down was a bit off, especially for Buffy.

Without thinking bout it I wrapped my arms around her tiny body and held her close. She felt so warm within my touch. So right and perfect. How I missed this, never thought I would feel her touch again. She rested her head against my chest. This almost felt too good to be real. How could this be real, never had much luck in the love area. Always wanted it but never got it. At least how I wanted it. Was too must of a fool for love.

Hey face was full of tears as she looked deep inside my eyes. Could feel her burning though my soul, every inch of it. She was all I ever thought bout. All I ever wanted, was right here now with me. Could this really be Buffy Summers, right here right now with me crying. The moment that seemed to last forever was finally broken when soft words came out of those lips of hers.

"I'm sorry."

I titled my head and gave her a somewhat surprised look. Don’t see why she would be telling me she was sorry. Oh right, probably saying she’s sorry for wanting to be with Angel. Wait, then why would she be in my arms right now. Don’t think she would be doing that, especially the chance that Angel could see this. So then if it wasn’t that what was it.

"I'm sorry for giving you that amulet, when I knew and still know, you were...are, a champion. I had no right to put the literal weight of the world on your shoulder."

“Don’t be sorry bout that luv. I had to do what had to be done. Couldn’t let you go killing yourself now could I? And we needed a bleeding champion so that’s where I came into play. Someone had to save the world now didn’t they. Besides I didn’t stay gone forever now did I” I had a slight smile. To my surprise she wasn’t done with why she was sorry. That would’ve made sense if that was the only reason why she was sorry and all crying like a baby. You know the whole its my fault you died thing, feeling guilt. But nope the slayer had more to say.

"I'm sorry for not having had the courage until then to realize that I DO love you."

I couldn’t bloody believe the words I heard coming from her mouth. It felt as if my heart skipped, ok right forgot don’t have a bleeding heart but you get the picture. Everything inside of me came crashing down as I heard that, tears actually started to roll down my cheeks. A bloody vampire crying in front of a slayer. What had this world come to.

I wrapped my arms around her tighter, pulling her into a tight hug. I wasn’t gonna let go of her. Not now not ever. I never expected to here this from her. Not at all. “I love you” I said as I continued to hold her “Your all I bloody think bout. Your always on my mind Summers, can’t get you out. Never could, even when I was bad, I could never get you out. That’s why Dru left me you know. Saw you in my head. That’s all she saw in my head. Of course then it was plots of killing you, but I guess deep down I always loved you.” I placed a soft kiss on her forehead and continued to hold her. My eyes closed as I took in this moment, as I took in her scent and the feeling of her in my arms. Beat everyone around us was enjoying the show, could only imagine.

William the Bloody aka Spike

Well then, now that Angel had his Cordy back, maybe he would back off of Buffy. Not like it mattered if he backed off of her. We were both stuck here anyways and the bloody slayer didn’t even know I was around. Probably forgot all about me. Yea yea yea, I got that “I love you” right before I went out, but she only said that to pity me. Girl didn’t mean it, doubt it took her that long to realize. But there I was saving the world for her, made her feel obligated to say something. Wish it was true though. That’s why I can’t face up to her yet. Go out fighting the good fight in the grand finely, can’t just show up a few months later. Besides she had this picture of me being a champion, her champion. Now what was I. Just another vampire with a soul working at evil incorporated. To think of it I was just like Angel. Well, on second thought I was nothing like Angel, never will be. Also I don’t actually work here, just like to bug the ’ell out of Angel.

I spent a few days away from them after that welcome home party for Cordy. Figure I would get my use out of that xbox system. Still can’t believe how I trusted that Doyle fella. Made me think I was part of a calling, to help the helpless. Always thought something was off about him anyways. So after a few days spent with my xbox I figure its time to show up again. Not like I had anything better to do, besides I enjoyed bugging Angel. Bloody amusing.

I walk down the hallways of Wolfram and Hart. All the different sheep here nod at me as they pass by. Even now she was on my mind again. She was all I thought ‘bout of late. Don’t see the bloody good in it, but I loved the girl. I know she never believed me but I did. All the countless things I did for her, how many times I tired to prove my love to her. But it was never good enough. Still surprised she choose me at the end to be her champion instead of Angel. That was something I could hold over him. Taunt him with the fact that she choose me, that she wanted to be in my arms those final nights. Always loved the look on his face when I mentioned her.

William the Bloody aka Spike

Couldn’t admit how much fun it was watching them. Could tell that bloody red haired fledging thought she was all big and bad. She knows nothing. I laughed to myself as Dru asked if we could go in and play with them now. “Of course my luv” I said as I pulled Dru in for a kiss “Time to make them wish they never messed with good ’ol Spike”

The two of us snuck in though a back entrance, they were too busy to realize what was going on. We waited a minute before I emerged. “Well now, what do we have here” I said slowly stepping out towards them. Had to love the look on their faces “Bet you weren’t expecting me anytime soon” I has a slight smirk printed across my lips. This always was the best part, sneaking up on someone and that look on their face.

“Been watching you guys for quit awhile now. Tisk tisk” I shook my head “Should’ve listened to me pet” I said looking at Willow. “Guess you’ll just have to learn your lesson the hard way. What’s this” I said looking down at Joyce “Seems you got the slayer’s mom all bond up.” I ran my slender digits though her golden locks of hair before yanking her head back. I exposed her neck “Seems you took a taste, bet its not as sweet as the slayer’s. Oh right then, I forgot you’ve never tasted a slayer’s blood before” I said with a slight laugh.

I released Joyce’s head and walked up towards Willow “Now then, what shall we do with you. This whole bloody mess you caused. Don’t expect you to fight the slayer yet, would end up dust. Oh wait that’s why Spike is here.” I rolled my eyes “You’ll learn your place”

William the Bloody aka Spike

She told me she loved me that was all I needed to hear. I could feel my soul, working with the amulet. My body was being torn . I could feel it fall apart. This was the end. Never pictured it this way but here it was. I close my eyes and I feel whole again? Everything is black. I open my eyes to see……as office building.

I look around puzzled. Something did add up right. I was just going out as a hero fighting the good fight and now here I was in a office?

I continue to glance around trying to make out this place until I come upon figure. I squint my eyes a couple times and it is ANGEL. What the bloody ‘ell is he doing here. How? Now I knew I had to be in hell. Or else. He’s the one that gave Buffy the bloody necklace. He set this up didn’t he. To get me away from Buffy. That had to be it didn’t it? I shook my head at him.

I just couldn't believe he would do something like this. Actually I could. Always thinking about himself and what he can take from me. Never let Spike get the girl gotta mess up his plans. Its not like he needed Buffy anymore. He had his own life now away from her. I was the one there for her. I was the one going out as the hero in the good fight. I'm the one she choice to by her champion. Not him. Probably too much for him to handle. That’s why he did this.

Oh wait he seems to be as shocked as I was about showing up here. I got it now. He died also and we are both in hell. This is are hell. Having to live with each other for the rest of eternity in a….I glance around once again…in a office building? The office building didn’t make much sense. Why would we be in a office building?

I just stared him down. I couldn’t believe that I would be stuck with him. Hell I bet he was thinking the same thing. I wonder if we have to work here if that’s also part of hell. Never know about those hell dominations. Hear some messed up stuff can go down in them.

William the Bloody aka Spike
_hold_me post

Crazy the way life can change. One minute I’m saving the world making a grand entrance. And the next well I’m in front of Angel in a office. Once again I fought the good fright right down to the grand finally. Yet this time I lived. Didn’t go out like before. I was beaten up. In blood stained cloths but I was still around. And now I was standing in front of the place Buffy was. I got a tip from a slayer back in LA about the whereabouts of Buffy. Figured I’d check it out. I wondered what happened to Angel. The last I saw he was fighting off a demon. Ugly sucker he was.

I take a deep breath as I begin to walk forward. Even if the slayer was in there she wouldn’t talk to me. She didn’t even know I was around. Unless Angel her and told her.

I glanced down at what I was wearing. I couldn’t show up looking like this. Especially since the last she was of me was me going out a hero. Quickly I turn around and start to walk away. What was I doing. Why did I come here? Was I looking for some sort of comfort. I guess this was the only place I knew to go. Never liked Angel much. Plus didn’t know where the bloody ‘ell he was. If he wasn’t dusted.

Once again I stop and face the place. Maybe I should just hide out a couple of nights. Watch the slayer and her friends. See what she’s up to. See if she has anyone. I knew it would be hard to see Buffy again. Especially after she said “I love you” to me. She only said it cause she knew I was about to be dusted, if only she wouldn’t have, then this wouldn’t be so bloody hard. At least right now I still had that, I had that “I love you” from her. If I saw her now she would take it away. Tell me that she didn’t mean it.

Could bare the thought of that. She was all I bloody thought about while in LA, I just couldn’t, couldn’t go to her. Not yet. Still can’t. Can’t face her, can’t let her turn me away again. Just can’t bloody do it. What I have now is good, the memory of her choosing me to be her champion. The memory of her telling me that she loved me. That’s the way it should stay. I turned around and started to walk away.

William the Bloody aka Spike

She got mad about not telling her I was back. I don’t blame her but if only see knew why. I just couldn’t show up after what happened. “Its just” I struggle to find my words. I want to make sure this comes out right so she doesn’t get more mad. “You know I went out with a grand exit fighting the good fight. Went out as a hero saving the world. Can’t just show up on your doorsteps after that. Besides….” I look down at the ground as I say the last part “didn’t think you meant what you said, so if I just showed up after that you would take it back. At least with not seeing you I still had that.”

Great, just great Spike. Probably made a fool out of yourself. I can’t look up at her just yet. Then I hear her mention the part about Angel and Cordy. “Angel? And Cordellia? I thought she died in that coma. I remember when her spirit came and fought Lindsey with us. I guess I’m not the only cool one anymore. Coming back from the dead and all.” I was a bit surprised about the Angel part. Wait no I wasn’t surprised at all. I somehow knew he made it though and someone knew he would come here. Wouldn’t be surprised if he made any moves on her. “So how is Angel anyways? Did you two have a nice talk” That’s probably why he didn’t tell her about me. I would’ve thought he would’ve told her. But no he wanted to get his hands on her first.

"cleaned up, seeing as we have plenty of room you can.. stay here. Willow could even do a healing spell for you.. to help."

“Are you sure about that?” Probably just doing that cause she feels bad. But as of right now I have no place to stay so I could mange seeing her there with Angel. Of course I wouldn't make it easy for him one bit.

William the Bloody aka Spike
Spike as a human

So much for getting food. Yea I know I had these incredible urges for food. Actual real food, to satisfy my hunger. Never thought that one would happen again. So I had these urges for food but was just too bloody tired to move. Plus the pain. You know its not the best feeling in the world changing from vampire to human. Especially when your body has been dead as long as mine. So of course I figured it best if I get some shut eye. So did Buffy. So to sleep we went. Only thing is she must’ve woken up and left.

I sit up and look around the room. Buffy was no where to be in sight. I bring my hand up to my chest and I can feel my heart beat. This would take some getting use to. It still felt like none of this could be real. Here I was now in Buffy bed as a human. Wonder what Dru would’ve thought of this.

I get out of the bed and throw on my shirt that I had on earlier. Probably not the best choice but with nothing else this would have to do. The shirt was still ripped in places and had blood stains on it. I just sigh as I look at myself in the mirror. And that’s what I look like. Strange to think one can go so long without seeing their refection. Never thought that day would come again. I walk up to the mirror and run my hand over my face. I then glance up at the hair and wow I did good with the hair. Another thing, had to get use to seeing myself in the mirror and this breathing thing again. I look over myself a few more times. Still couldn’t believe I was looking at myself. Finally I mange to get myself away from the mirror and head out of the room.

Now where to go. There was a lot of rooms and hallways. Well, she’s probably not in someone’s room, at least I sure hope not. She’s probably in an area where everyone goes. I start to head towards the kitchen . On my way there I hear some sounds. Almost sounds like someone talking to themselves I walk over towards the door in front of me and begin to open it. It was the library and none other then Buffy sitting there with her head on the table. I begin to walk in and watch as she looks like she’s about to fight something. Sweat even begins to pour from her skin.

“Buffy, wake’re dreaming”

Shes darts up and grabs hold of her neck. She then glances at me with a relieved look upon her face. “Yea, would hate to see you get like that in real life. Tell me what was this dream about” I walk over towards her and place my hand on her hers.

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