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personal.

have I ever mentioned that I choke around people, when it comes down to them getting to know ME the REAL Christina? There are VERY few people in real life that have seen the real me. I don't get it, and I hate it. I've had numerous people want to hang out, old friends from high school and what not, and I want to.. I do, but I'm so terrified, and i'm terrified of people judging me. I feel like i'm going to say something, or do something stupid. That, I dont have anything to talk about.. sure I can talk about Kiel for HOURS.. but that's all. Then, I'd look like some obsessed freak. I don't know why this has all started, or when. I'm thinking it happened in High School, when I hardly had any friends.. my senior year, I'd ditch my fifth hour.. I hated math, and lets face it.. with in school lunch and no one to sit with, I was scared. Casie & I weren't friends at that time, and I dont know if it was that no one wanted to be my friend, or that I didn't want to be theirs. Most people only wanted to party, and I just hated that. Half way through my senior year, I decided on independent studies.. somewhat like homeschool. I'm glad I did, I would have felt like a fool walking with my class and not actually graduating, considering I hadn't passed the Math Proficiency test, and after nearly 15 tries, I finally passed it. WHY do I get to be the stupid anti-social one? Why can't I have friends to go out with & have a good time. Sure, when Casie's here.. I feel invincible.. I can hang out with whomever, and be whomever.. but when it's just me... I can't. My anti-socialness, turned into.. anti-telephone.. that if there were to be an awkward moment, I'd freak out.. so I avoid it all together. I know Sher has been pissed at me a few times because I never returned her call. & I want to, and I contemplate it, and I just CANT. I don't know what to do about it. People get impatient, and dont want to take the time to get to know who I am.. and I know i'm a darn good person, but I can't be who I am with Kiel nor Casie with anyone else. WHY am I getting personal? I have no fucking idea. I guess these past few days took me by surprise, and I felt like a failure. I can't keep a job.. why? Because I always find the smallest things wrong.. and the fact that I can't become close to people, so I constantly feel awkward.. and truthfully it's the worst feeling ever. I felt great at Costco.. but unfortunately thats not the kind of job I want.. I still talk to some of the people there also. One of them got kind of weird, and he told me he was in love with me, and that he always thought I was beautiful.. and well... it freaked me out a little.. considering he knows i'm dating Kiel.. so I stopped talking to him. Seriously, i'm so lucky to have Kiel.. to put up with my weirdness, and to just support me in everything.. because he really does.

As far as my internet friends.. you can't really trust many people.. they flip on the switch of a dime for no reason.. because hell, its the internet and they can.. and then the other 90% of people who visit my website, or here.. never take the time to talk to me.. some think i'm stuck up, or who knows what. IDK, personally I think i'm a pretty damn nice girl. lol. I would help anyone in a heart beat. Which leads me to often being taken advantage of.

blah blah blah, i'm yammering very badly. I can't wait for monday to come to start this new job. :) I'm going to try and start fresh, unless something weird happens, ya know? lol anyway, I think I may head to bed soon.. i'm pretty pooped. night, thanks for listening. More to come i'm sure.
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relief?

after spilling my guts to Kiel last night, and crying my eyes out...and him telling me never to worry that he would ALWAYS help me, no matter how much money I needed... and feeling a little relieved. I recieved a call from a place called "SouthWest Truck Driver Training" and I went down, it's super close to my house.. Kiel dropped me off and waited in the car.. the interview went GREAT! 8-5, $10/hr... opportunity to advance, benefits.. ETC! Plus the guy was awesomely nice! we come home, watch Saw II.. I didn't get excited... and then he called .. I didnt pick up, he left a v/m.. and I called him back and he offered me the job.. I start Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My gosh, finally right?!?!!?! So much relief! :) Weekends with my baby, everything is amazing now.. i'm ready to cry. thank you guys so much for the luck and the support.. if I could meet every single one of you, I would. I swear.

oh yeah Kiel & I have a myspace now! :) add it bishes<3
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so.

i'm lying in bed with my laptop on it's little lap desk.. Kiel's next to me watching Scarface I just couldn't get into it and fell asleep.. I usually love mob movies but I dunno, the oldness I guess. I went to the BMX competition today with Eric... and I just felt really out of place, so I left before most of the people got there.. and there were a lot of fucking people there.. I didnt know a lot of them and Eric was going to go ride so I would have been alone.. not stoked. I did get to meet Natalie though, and she seems like a total sweetie :) So, I got to come home and spend the rest of the night with Kiel.. and I know this sounds really mean, but when I hang out with Eric (even though it's not a lot) it really really makes me appreciate what i have with Kiel.. I guess it just makes me remember all of the shit I went through with him (not abusive obviously..just well you know heartache I suppose) and.. I'm just really glad he's doing what he wants, and I'm with someone who super truely cares about me. ♥ I love Kiel so much. I know it's overplayed, but it's REAL.

Sorry I havent LJ'd in awhile.. I have all this time, and sometimes I just dont feel like it. Hey, it happens. My amazing best friend will be here in about... hmm, I dunno a day and a morning! lol. I'm so excited, I miss her so much.<3

I didn't mean to flip out on those of you who tried to give advice, I guess I dont mind advice, it's just the way it's put. It makes me feel like some of you think I'm just some little girl on the web, when in reality i'm not. at all. But that doesn't need to be explained. Alright i'm going to post this before my laptop battery dies. <3 night.
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(no subject)

These past few days have been amazing.. seriously. ♥ I've gotten to spend complete time with Kiel.. it feels like when we both didnt have jobs and we spent 24/7 with each other and I absolutely love it. For New Years we went to our spot "the flame" that over looks vegas.. it's so pretty and it's away from everything.. or so we thought.. we though it was an unknown spot.. and on the way up.. it was.. and on the way back down after the fireworks there were TONS of people. But we sat in the truck and somewhat remenisced(sp?) about when we first started dating.. I asked what he thought of me when he first saw me.. he said he thought I was gorgeous and never ever thought he could "score" a girl like me. That made me smile, a lot. <3 I'm happy I found him.. seriously. <3 Casie will be here next monday.. and the BMX competition is Saturday.. def. excited !!! Katie Rose you better go.. seriously!!!! maybe i'll even bring my camera... highly doubtful. Oh, and if you haven't already.. you should go to my website @ ohromance.org and leave me a little love. I know i'm super out of the loop.. i'm not very good at this web stuff anymore.. but still. I made an AWESOME layout in PSP, im debating whether I should replace the one thats up or not.. i'll post it later. toodles kids<3
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(no subject)


"I will breathe you in
until I cant breathe at all-
i'll gasp for air,
and my lungs will collapse-
i'll still fight for more.
And with my last,
unconcious, deadened breath for life..
I will think of you,
and of us..
and know that we were-
something worth living for"
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the worst.

have you ever been in a relationship, where you love the person so much.. and things just seem to start fading? Maybe I shouldn't post this stuff, maybe it's too personal, but I need to vent.. i need to express my emotions to someone who will listen.. & maybe he will read this, and maybe he will stop blaming me, and realize what's going on. Since I started working at Costco, I feel like .. we've lost a lot. Like we hardly exist anymore, and when we do.. we don't know the other is around. & I'm sure part of it is me. But everytime I tell him something wrong, it starts a fight.. and he denies it. I just want to be able to tell him how I feel.. and I wish he would listen, and make me feel better.. and like everythings going to be okay like he use to. I want the cards for no reason, the lyrics in my e-mail, the little notes saying "Thank you for letting me stay the night", the excitement, the laughter, the happiness. WHERE DID IT GO? :( I feel like just breaking down in a thousand tears, and just hopefully i'll fall asleep and wake up and everything will be right again. I dont know where i'm going, and I don't know where I've been. I just want Kiel back. I try so hard for him to notice me... I try so hard to go out of my way to do things to make him happy.. things that would have made him so happy before.. and it seems as if they don't. & Maybe i'm wrong, but he has a weird way of showing it if so. Every day, I still hold that excitement of being able to see my boyfriend.. that excitement of talking to him on the phone, even if it's only for a second. That every boy that passes will never be as good as mine. The talks that we use to have about getting married.. & how it made him happy to make me happy. That getting to sleep next to each other every night for the rest of our entire lives was amazing in itself, something so small.. & I wish we'd hold each other all night long. Why don't we? I've looked foward to my future every day of my life. & is it killing us to live here? Is it tearing us apart? we wont even know. & if it isn't what is? I MISS him!! :( Why do I keep this to myself.. because it's no ones business but ours.. but when I have no one to turn to, my livejournal seems to lend me it's shoulder.. and writing calms me. And if he's mad.. then so be it.. because you are people that we will never meet, and you are people who arent going to judge him, because honestly.. who cares?

I miss our songs, I miss singing our songs at the top of our lungs in the car.. while we're driving.. somewhere.. anywhere.. but it didn't matter where, as long as we we're together. & Kiel, I still feel that way.. but, I feel like you aren't that person anymore. I've always wanted to pack everything I own into a small box, and just run as far as we could go.. and live a life of unknown accomplishments, in a town we've never been.. and live together, and support each other.. and that nothing around us would matter but purely that..us. But where are we? Where have we gone to? WHY CAN'T I BREATHE US ANYMORE? All of these questions that I wont know.. and that I don't care to know, I just want it to be like it was again.. but it's not.. & will it be? He's not bad to me.. I promise.. it's just, we've lost a sense of who we are when we're together.. and i'd give anything ANYTHING to get it back. All the complaints i've ever said, all the fights we've ever had about something silly, all the talks we shouldn't have, I wish I could take them all back. The time that you said you loved me at the beach, and I didn't say it back.. I want to say it now! Because I mean it, and I would have meant it then.. that I knew that we'd be together forever, and in a sense it scared me, and I didn't know how to react. I knew you were right for me, and why do we run when we're scared? I'll never know.. but i'm not running now! let's make this right.

So put your hand in mine,
NEVER let go..


I love you more and more each time I See your face.. and each time I kiss you, it's not just a kiss. Every hug that i'm lucky enough to get, I enjoy it. Every little thing that you do, brings a smile to my face STILL. And I have your post it note, from the night you bought me a chocolate crossaint right above my computer because every time I look at it, it makes me happy.

"Christina, you my dear are amazing
and I love you and miss you today.
Thank you for being so good to me.
I love you!!
"


These are the things that I cherish, because they don't happen as much anymore. You can't give someone the world, and slowly take it away as if they wont ever notice. I'm missing a huge chunk, and i'd really like it back if I could. I don't know what to say anymore. I just want everything to be okay. that's all.

(No we didn't break up.)
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Kiels Birthday pictures.

We didn't do much, mostly because we both worked today, and I dont have a lick of money. so, when he got home I gave him his card, and we showered, and then I gave him his cake and sang to him. :) After that we met his parents at Joe's Crab Shack for dinner.. & that's about it. :) but I took a few pictures;

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I am so attracted to him, he's got the best looks around ♥ .

EDITI transfered them to a new photobucket account until I get a subdomain put up <3
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(no subject)

Kiel and I ate at a German restaraunt tonight, Heidelberg Cafe.. it wasn't that great, but the atmosphere was neat, all the german trinkets, and the german man playing his accordian.. very neat. I was wondering, is anyone on here from Germany that would like to do a penpal type thing, and trade things with me, i'd like to start collecting German things, and it's a little hard haha, I would trade things from US that you want. :) Let me know! (and yes, I am german, in case you were wondering)
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To: My 2 Best Friends

Casie Lynn ♥

Remember when..
. Water fights during sumer
. Your brother and Matt pushing you out of the pool on accident, and your mom yelling at Matt and I to go home!
. "I thought you were throwing rocks at me" yeah, that one time you hit me in the head with a rock.. thanks casie! lol
. Making cars out of dollies and boxes and racing down the street
. chasing ghosts with forks
. You holding my boyfriends hand at the movie theatre! omfg. lol I love you!
. Wet & Wild! Those funny as photo booth pictures we took, I wonder if I still ahve those
. walking around town
. walking to 7-11 to get slurpees
. bringing potatoe flakes to your house to eat in the middle of the night since your parents wouldn't let us snack
. Playing polly pocket & Barbies (Don't tell anyone!! haha)
. Walking on the opposite side of the street when we'd get in fights
. begging for change by the vending machine at lunch in JH
. Mr Campbells class and those little guys we use to draw
. BOYS!!! haha
. 6th,7th, and 8th grade dances! We'd get SO excited!
. Mike Pacini being DJ, and us thinking we were awesome because we knew him.
. Playing Sega Mortal Kombat with Erin, Jacob, & Chris
. That kid Adam that lived nextdoor to me and you had a super humongus crush on him! lol
. Thinking Jaime was sooo cool.. and how she'd tell us those bogus stories about ghosts and all that.
. Matt Dayton.... ew ahahah
. First Kisses, and keeping it a secret.
. You meeting me in fully's class when you were an aide.. fully was the best.
. walking home together
. football games! playing football with the boys in the field when we were young
. Playing softball, and getting pissed at our coach..
. My Dad kicking you out of our house, and then you calling.. and coming over again anyway
. *ringring* "hello?" - "hey! open your window" - "ok" -"*scream* can you hear that?!?" -" hahahahahaha"
. Fouth of July get together
. Stealing the white tigers
. Moving in together, and going to college together.. what dogs did we say we'd have?
. Catsitting..................
. I love you Casie & I miss you to the max, I can't wait to see you again<3



Kiel William♥
.Where do I start?
. "How big do you think that flag is?"
. "pull your pants up... you know.. the thing these days is guys wearing girls pants, want to trade?"
. THE FLAME!!!!!! <3
. Del Taco Chicken soft tacos with ketchup
. Your O.C.D's <3
. Uh-Good
. Buh-Buh-Buh-Bbbbbbbbbbabe
. being totally silly at night and not caring
. lyrics
. singing like goofs in the car and making up songs
. Disneyland!!!! & the stupid train ride, I hope I didn't cut your circulation off<3 haha
. Disneyland.. indiana jones.. "Pretend like it's a desert truck babe!"
. Schmoogs<3<3<3
. Chinese accents! hahaha
. Going to ca to get your truck and stupid tolls!
. The Zoo<3 the Beach<3
. I love you baby more then you know! I know yours isnt as long as Casie's but I have to get back to work.. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. thank you.

I love these 2 people more than anything!!! ♥