||[November 16th, 2005]
have you ever been in a relationship, where you love the person so much.. and things just seem to start fading? Maybe I shouldn't post this stuff, maybe it's too personal, but I need to vent.. i need to express my emotions to someone who will listen.. & maybe he will read this, and maybe he will stop blaming me, and realize what's going on. Since I started working at Costco, I feel like .. we've lost a lot. Like we hardly exist anymore, and when we do.. we don't know the other is around. & I'm sure part of it is me. But everytime I tell him something wrong, it starts a fight.. and he denies it. I just want to be able to tell him how I feel.. and I wish he would listen, and make me feel better.. and like everythings going to be okay like he use to. I want the cards for no reason, the lyrics in my e-mail, the little notes saying "Thank you for letting me stay the night", the excitement, the laughter, the happiness. WHERE DID IT GO? :( I feel like just breaking down in a thousand tears, and just hopefully i'll fall asleep and wake up and everything will be right again. I dont know where i'm going, and I don't know where I've been. I just want Kiel back. I try so hard for him to notice me... I try so hard to go out of my way to do things to make him happy.. things that would have made him so happy before.. and it seems as if they don't. & Maybe i'm wrong, but he has a weird way of showing it if so. Every day, I still hold that excitement of being able to see my boyfriend.. that excitement of talking to him on the phone, even if it's only for a second. That every boy that passes will never be as good as mine. The talks that we use to have about getting married.. & how it made him happy to make me happy. That getting to sleep next to each other every night for the rest of our entire lives was amazing in itself, something so small.. & I wish we'd hold each other all night long. Why don't we? I've looked foward to my future every day of my life. & is it killing us to live here? Is it tearing us apart? we wont even know. & if it isn't what is? I MISS him!! :( Why do I keep this to myself.. because it's no ones business but ours.. but when I have no one to turn to, my livejournal seems to lend me it's shoulder.. and writing calms me. And if he's mad.. then so be it.. because you are people that we will never meet, and you are people who arent going to judge him, because honestly.. who cares?
I miss our songs, I miss singing our songs at the top of our lungs in the car.. while we're driving.. somewhere.. anywhere.. but it didn't matter where, as long as we we're together. & Kiel, I still feel that way.. but, I feel like you aren't that person anymore. I've always wanted to pack everything I own into a small box, and just run as far as we could go.. and live a life of unknown accomplishments, in a town we've never been.. and live together, and support each other.. and that nothing around us would matter but purely that..us. But where are we? Where have we gone to? WHY CAN'T I BREATHE US ANYMORE? All of these questions that I wont know.. and that I don't care to know, I just want it to be like it was again.. but it's not.. & will it be? He's not bad to me.. I promise.. it's just, we've lost a sense of who we are when we're together.. and i'd give anything ANYTHING to get it back. All the complaints i've ever said, all the fights we've ever had about something silly, all the talks we shouldn't have, I wish I could take them all back. The time that you said you loved me at the beach, and I didn't say it back.. I want to say it now! Because I mean it, and I would have meant it then.. that I knew that we'd be together forever, and in a sense it scared me, and I didn't know how to react. I knew you were right for me, and why do we run when we're scared? I'll never know.. but i'm not running now! let's make this right.
So put your hand in mine,
NEVER let go..
I love you more and more each time I See your face.. and each time I kiss you, it's not just a kiss. Every hug that i'm lucky enough to get, I enjoy it. Every little thing that you do, brings a smile to my face STILL. And I have your post it note, from the night you bought me a chocolate crossaint right above my computer because every time I look at it, it makes me happy.
"Christina, you my dear are amazing
and I love you and miss you today.
Thank you for being so good to me.
I love you!!"
These are the things that I cherish, because they don't happen as much anymore. You can't give someone the world, and slowly take it away as if they wont ever notice. I'm missing a huge chunk, and i'd really like it back if I could. I don't know what to say anymore. I just want everything to be okay. that's all.
(No we didn't break up.)