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Gone.

GONE♥


i'm deleting everyone from my friends list, comment if you want to be added to the new journal, comment with how I know you, and preferrably a picture of yourself.. mk? :] ♥
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wow.

geez I haven't posted in so long. Our trip was so good, I couldn't even really sum it up in a journal entry. When we first got there.. parking was SUCH a bitch.. it was a small space, and the parking spot itself was so small.. and we drove in Kiels truck.. so Kiel was stressing about getting into the spot. We got there at around.. 4ish? The hotel was so so cute! I loved it. (pic 1, pic 2, pic 3) Outside of our room was a cute little patio, and as soon as you walk out.. you turn to the left and look over the balcony and there's the ocean. (the view here) there was a long stairwell that took us right out onto the ocean.. and it was pretty much a private beach mostly for the hotel (which was fairly small) and the few houses in which their backyards faced the ocean. Down the shore was a huge rock that you could walk through (here & here) and as you walked through you could look into the crevases(sp?) and there were crabs inside of them.. at the other side were a bunch of tidepools.. & in case you dont know what those are.. they are holes in the rocks where the tide rises and falls, and leaves pools of water in the holes where anenomies, crabs, hermits, & fish reside. It was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! seriously. (here & here). Unfortunately, we didnt find those until the almost the last day, which sucked. But oh well.

The second day, we went to the San Diego wild animal park.. it was alright.. not really all that great.. but it was okay... we took a train around, which was an hour long without stops.. and ten minutes into it the little kid next to us started SCREAMING his head off, and didn't stop until the end.. I was ready to stick my fingers down his throat to shut him up. my god! he ruined the entire ride..and i'm sure everyone else was pissed too.. and the mom gets off and says "sorry" while laughing.. wtf, bitch. >:O Pictures from the W.A.P (here, here, here& here. After that is when we went back to the hotel, and found the tidepools as we waited for my Heather to call<3 We met up with her and her fiance, (they picked us up) and we headed to Balboa island.. Ron took us on the fairy in the car across to the island.. which was neat.. and when we got across it was ghetto as fuck.. we walked all the way up the pier to this restaraunt Heather wanted to eat at, and it closed at 9.. and what time was it? 9.. yeah gay. So, we drove around.. and Ron used his nifty navigation system to find a place to eat.. we found a cocoas, and sat down to eat.. we chatted & laughed a bunch... Heather and I escorted each other to the restroom where we took myspace pics (here) & we giggled as we did so, and returned to the table to go picture crazy <3 (here) she's so cute! heh. Then we went outside to take some more pictures (here & here)..

The next day we drove to long beach to find the aquarium of the pacific.. and walked a lot until we found it.. it sucked. there were a bunch of people there.. so it was hard to see anything. We stopped at Chilis for lunch, and there were some dumb highschool kids eating across from us, one of them said "I bet I can get our food for free.. and get people fired" and started a ruckus, about how his fries were "perposterous" or something of that nature.. I tattled on him on the way out ;) it's what i'm good at. heh.

As we headed home, we stopped at this mall on the way out of CA.. it was AWESOME.. TONS of shops!!!! I picked up a bunch of cute clothes, including a hollister skirt that actually fits me really good!! :P excitement.

♥ some more pictures if you want to see themCollapse )

& yeah.. that's it.. that I can think of! haha. Alright, i'm gonna do my exercises, and get in bed. G'night!
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woohoo.

CALIFORNIA IS ALMOST HERE! so so so soon!!!! :) tomorrow! :P Kiel gave me $60 to go get some lingere for our trip (it is for our anniversary afterall) and i found the cutest corset at Victorias Secret! It fits me so good! its hard to find corsets that make us small breasted women look not so small rofl. :) I really think he'll love it.. although, he would love it no matter what rofl.I love to dress up, makes things so much hotter. ♥

Tomorrow we will check into the hotel and probably head down to newport beach, and maybe meet up with Heather.. depending on when she works. It'd be nice to see her again :) I AM in her wedding afterall, yet I never get to see her prettyface! :P Then we'll probably hang out at the hotel/on the beach that night, then the next morning we'll head to the wild animal park, and after that possibly the long beach aquarium and maybe home? we dont know yet. Anyway, i'm going to hop in the shower. night guys!
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:)

so everything is in tip top shape again. :) The such small things that we took for granted, we really realized.. and as much as I thought that we REALLY needed a week.. we probably only needed a few hours apart, thinking we weren't going to be together again. We went out yesterday and bought a new fan, and a new desk .. 2 things to our collection of bedroom stuff we need to get. :) It was so nice just being with him. he's really amazing. I love him so much. I'm so glad that we fixed things, and that it really helped.

I have to make this one a quick one.. but - i'm already starting to dread going to work... I hate sitting there all day doing NOTHING, seroiusly... they are paying me to go on the internet and answer the phone about 3 times a day. I'm ready to pull my fucking hair out. I doubt it will pick up either. I think I'm going to get my bills for the majority paid for, stay there for at least 3 more months and find another job. I've been there one month. It sucks. When he hired me he said it'd be "crazy" yeah, crazy NOTHING. anyway, time to head to my death. haha :) hope everyone has a good day.
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amazing.

Its amazing how strong you feel, until you actually leave. The entire problem was solved within hours of me leaving the house. Kiel apologized, and said some things that really made me happy that we do have what we have. & I'm well aware that people fight, and that no one is perfect, but I dont want what we have to suffer.. so the moment I see it suffering, I want to do whatever it takes to make it better. We've been together for quite some time, and have lived together for most of it. But, it's never been a problem.. he's my best friend and vise versa, we have no one else. I'm not going to get into the petty thing that started our fight, or what about him makes me mad. I dont want anyone to think badly about Kiel because we all do poor thought things at one time or another, I for one am guilty of it aswell.

I went to my parents house, and tried to act like I was fine.. I went to the store with my Mom, and it's usually Kiel and I at this store.. and I feel so utterly lost, and so incomplete it's not even funny. My hands were lonely.. he's always holding my hand, and I guess in a way thats a comfort to me, he really takes care of me. He was texting me while I was walking through the store, with things that honestly made me feel so happy.. yet so lonely at the same time. I went back to the apartment, I was doing okay... it started to get closer to bedtime & I knew that would be the hardest.. I called him and asked him to meet me somewhere so that he could give me two towels since my parents didnt really have any. So he did, and as soon as I saw him I nearly burst into tears.. like things weren't the same.. and we hugged and I cried.. he said "Don't cry babe" It was so hard leaving. Before bed he texted me with things like "I miss you so so much already, and I love you" - I couldn't sleep all night, and it didn't help that the apartment across the sidewalk was blaring rap music all night.. it was so fucking loud, I was ready to throw a rock through their window. >:o I cried a lot regardless, and it still didn't let me sleep.. we always sleep right next to each other back to back so we can feel each other. I woke up on at most 2 hours of sleep.. and called in, I was sick to my stomach and theres no way I could possibly drive 20 minutes away half asleep. I texted him and asked him to call in, but he couldn't.. I just want to see him, although it probably hasnt even been 24 hours, I miss him so much. I texted him and told him I was coming home, he said "you're more than welcome babe" . I think that within the short time we were away, it has already effected us.. it really has effected me. Plus, there's no way I will be able to sleep at my parents, I dont want to miss anymore work in fear of getting fired. It's not worth it. I hope things are better from here on out ♥ I know i've thought a lot, and feel different in a lot of ways. He means the world to me. & I guess i'm rather cautious because of what happened with Eric. I fear that Kiel will in some way get sick of me, or just plain out not want to be with me anymore. I dont know, but I do know that i love him more than anything in this entire world. seriously.

He'll be home probably around 2:30, he's getting off early, I can't wait to just hug him and kiss him. I feel like we've been away from each other for MONTHS! For any of you who are in a relationship, please dont take the other for granted.. even if they dont say anything i'm sure they notice, and it really hurts like hell. :(

thanks to everyone who repsonded, I appreciate it so much.
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in the eyes of perfection.

so, I drove around the apartment complex trying to find a connection. [its probably illegal, oh well] desperate times call for desperate measures.

I left today to stay with my parents for awhile. & i'm not going to bad mouth Kiel, i love him.. but things need to change. I need to feel what we felt a year ago.. I am desperately searching for that, & maybe with time it will come. I don't feel appreciated, I feel like i'm an annoyance.. and regardless of reasurance that i'm not, I still feel as though I am. I'm good at not sharing personal things online, and i'm pretty sure it should stay that way, but when i'm in need of reassurance you are who I come to. I love him with all my heart, and I don't want him to slip away from me. Hopefully i'm not wishing for something that's gone. I dont know. & i doubt he'll read this. Tonight is going to be rough, sleeping alone especially. I'm sure i'll be fine, it just sucks... it sucks that we even have to do this.

i'll miss our cuddles,
and my morning kiss.

but if doing this will resolve the things that AREN'T good, i'm willing to have at anything. -maybe this will end with tears. bye.
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What I love about Kiel..

so after missing Kiel like crazy, he got home super late.. well 9 ish, that's bedtime, so that's late lol. He gets in bed with me, since i've been cuddling there for about an hour watching Dr. 90210 (I love that show!) and he kisses me and says "Baby, sometimes I take you for granted, and I just want you to know that i'm sorry and I love you" for no reason, I mean he didnt do anything that he would need to say that for lol. <3 Then he gushed on about his night at explorers :) yep, i'm pretty sure he's awesome.

Now, i'm at work.. listening to my yahoo radio station that I made. :P bah, i'm bored. <3<3<3
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i need love.

I miss Kiel so much right now, why is it that we are ten times more needy when we're feeling poopy? I just had dinner with Kiels parents which is a rareity considering Kiel isn't home. lol. But at least I got to eat something.. I didn't feel like leaving. I'm so utterly bored it sucks. :( I tried to lie down and watch disney, but nothing good is on.. that I haven't already seen. I went on AIM for a bit but no one was on. I really hope that my work isn't mad at me... I'd probably be mad at me, considering i've only been there... 3 weeks? guh.. But I can't help it if I'm sick. I would totally tough it out if I was needed but i'm not at all.

Bleh. There's so many things on my list of "wants" right now.. here's a list if I can think of them:

x I need a fill on my nails
x Hair done (eventually) & Cut
x teeth whitener stuff.. (whats the best?)
x I need contacts & glasses
x more clothes
x pierced ears..
x the rest of our furniture
x a necklace
x Jake needs to be fixed + rabies shot
x Credit Cards paid off
x MOVE OUT!!!!

shitty list. lol. I have $900 in the bank.. my c/c is just close to $4000... I've only gotten one check from my job, and I just recieved my tax return of 600 some odd dollars. I figure instead of paying large sums, i'll save save save.. and that way instead of being like "oh I only have 200$ to spend.." i'll see the big amount of money .. and realize that's my small start to paying off my c/c's.. I think it'll help me save quicker. I only owe $5000 on my car too.. so that should get paid off within the year, which will be great.

Kiel & I are taking a trip to california for our anniversary in exactly a month. I cannot WAIT. we seriously need this. 4 days of us. I am DYING to go to the beach with him.. we haven't been since the first few weeks we started dating, and that wasn't so well.. as cheesy as it sounds, the beach makes me smile ... its the next best thing to rain for me. I just want to stick my toes in the sand, and kiss him. ♥

I know I talk about Kiel, Kiel, Kiel but some of you may not understand... he's all I have. Like, at one point my life was so utterly shitty.. and I felt like I could never be genuinely happy.. and out of no where he was there.. and he took every ounce of saddness away from me and locked it up. He makes me smile when I don't want to. He's my bestest friend. That may sound pathetic..that i'm nearly obsessed with our relationship, but in all honesty I don't care. I have nothing else to talk about, I dont have 349305840 friends to hang out with, I have Kiel.. and he makes up for all of that. Sure, i'd love to have girl friends to gossip with, but I wouldn't give Kiel up for that. Not for anything. I can't imagine my life without him in it. really, I can't. He treats me like his little princess, and thats how I like it :) hehe.

Sometimes I wish I could just pick some of you off the computer screen and make you live nextdoor.. unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Mostly, I wish Katie lived closer.. she's like, a twin of me. ♥ I adore her guts a bunch. :) Her and I shall definitely plan a girl road trip to california ♥ right Miss Katie???

anyway, I shall go hop in bed again... but I just may fall asleep this time. (why do I have this sudden urge, to just POST? silly eh) I hope everyone from my website will be able to read this.. if not i'll be sad if I lose touch with those I recently made friends with :(